Do I Have a Problem?

[Bonzoward]

Wow I'm new at this - bit scary.

Been married about 9 years and a few ups and downs but pretty ok. My wife is a bookkeeper and one of her clients is local mechanic. Several weeks ago he took her out for meal which did make me feel a bit odd but I let it go. They then arranged to play pool together but this didnt happen so they had another meal and rearranged a pool evening. Last Friday he asked her along to take a car down to the coast and she went.

Also surrounding this there have been a vast number of text message backwards and forward. She seemed to be secretive doing them and when I checked her phone (and I'm ashamed I did) they had been deleted. But the bill shows them all and its his number.

She also talks about him quite a lot.

I finally aired the reasons why I've been going round a miserable so and so this morning. She tells me there is nothing going on and really cannot see why I would be upset. She texts lots of her girlfriends.

I just cannot understand why she can't see that, regardless of anything else, I should be upset. I agreed that maybe it was just me and I would ask other people what they thought. So here I am.

Am I just mad and should pull myself together? Or do I reason to be upset. If the latter can anyone help with what we should be saying or talking about. My wife asked me what she should do and I confess I didn't have a clue!

Sorry if a bit rambling.

Rob

[AnnieP]

I would certainly be suspicious Rob.

My husband was doing the same thing, behind my back, and surprise surprise, this "friendship" has turned into a full blown affair.
If its not a problem, suggest she invites him round for a meal with you both.... see what she thinks of that idea!

[Bonzoward]

Thanks Annie - don't know about dinner though.

Its not so much about suspicion, its more about whether I reason to be upset about what I know has happened, if you get what I mean.

Not making much sense - perhaps I am just bonkers.

[AnnieP]

Bonzoward. I am sure you are not bonkers! Look, my husband has left me for 3 months to sort out his head, as he feels he no longer loves me following his affair. He states the biggest problem with our marriage as me giving him "no space".
Now, I had no idea our marriage was in trouble prior to finding out about his affair, BUT: I HAVE to admit now that I am examining everything that has happened in my whole life, it seems, that I AM terribly posessive: we did everything together. He NEVER went out without me/with mates/to clubs etc. Had NO hobbies which I wasn't actively involved in also, we literally spent EVERY second of our spare time together. If he was ever apart from me, I WOULD constantly be wondering what he was up to, who he was with, when he would be coming home, if he would text me etc.
Now he never complained about this at the time, but looking back, its not very healthy is it? Stifling in fact! No wonder he feels he wants some space..... I got given plenty, as whenever I wanted to pop out with friends etc, he never worried.....
I am going to get help with this, as I think it truly IS a problem I have.
You have to ask yourself, is it just \this particular instance you don't like, because it is with a man and you suspect her of maybe being unfaithful, or are you like it all the time?

[Bonzoward]

Had to think about that Annie, but no I dont think I have ever been overprotective, quite the opposite in fact. I have always thought she should get out more but its only recently that she has made friends with our daughters friend's parents that she has been.

[Bonzoward]

Cheers Billy. It's her "I don't understand what your problem is " attitiude that is doing my nut in at the moment - its good to her that I m not just totally unreasonable - or insane.

[callow]

Your wife is behaving inapproriately.

She has now put on rose coloured glasses and each time she has contact she moving closer and closer to him.

I think it was OK that they went out for 1 business meeting, but after that she is just getting involved. I am sure she got a "high" from going out to dinner and she wants to keep this going which is why she carries on seeing him.

You have voiced your concerns and a reasonable person would heed them and stop contact. I am sorry to say that your wife must be falling in love with him as she is not being reasonable.

If you want to do something, then only drastic action will work. You will need to act fast. Do as billyboy suggested. Ask for his wife's phone number so you can spend a day at the seaside with her.

Sally

[Raymond]

I think Callow is right. It may be that things are okay but she should avoid even the appearance of something going on for your sake. After all you are her husband and have special rights over her as she has over you. If it happens to me in business I always share it with my wife. There are some jobs where you have to entertain the opposite sex sometimes for business reasons, but there are some situations where we could and should avoid for our partners sake.

Raymond

[Bonzoward]

Thank you all who replied. I have now read my latest phone bill and I shaking. Don't know where this is going.

[IcingOnTheMoon]

Hi Rob!
I'm new to the forum but just read your posts...I obviously can't say what is going on between your wife and this man, but I don't think you're crazy. I would be very suspicious also.
What's going on with the latest cell bill? Keep posting. I admit I've been a lurker here, but I've noticed the people here are very caring and honest. Hope it helps!

[Bonzoward]

Update. The bill shows an incredible amount of text messages - eg 6/7 15 messages between 16:32 and 19:10 (think this was one of the evenings she went out with him), 12/7 5 messages between 21:36 and 21:54, 23/7 7 messages between 18:00 and 18:48, 24/7 16 messages between 19:02 and 21:40, and on and on.

I confronted her about this last night (up till 2 so I'm a bit frazzled). She keeps insisting there is nothing going on and its just how she behaves with mates. I did point out there were no other mates with this number of messages.

I lied and said I would get copies of the messages (not being in MI5 I assume I can't actually do this) but before I did was there anything I should know about their contents. She said that she didnt think so, maybe some mild flirting.

She kept telling me she was sorry and that she would not have done it if she had known it would upset me and she will of course stop. But I just can't get through to her that surely there should be some consideration of how I would feel when she was doing it and I would not dream of carrying on like that with a woman. I also pointed out that being unfaithful didn't have to mean sex, what she had done and what was in black and white constituted infidelity - but this didnt seem to go in.

I don't want to lose her. The general vibe I get from here is to follow one's gut and I'm afraid my gut is telling me there is more. Whilst she says that there is not I don't really know what to do.

Incidently he has been separated from his wife for quite a while.

Thanks, all.

[AnnieP]

You have choices here: Be firm with her. Tell her you are not prepared for her to carry on like this. Believe me, if you don't let her know it, she will carry on. She may anyway....

Take the tack above that Billyboy suggests and watch for guilt.

Have you ever met this guy? Do you have any idea what his intentions are?
Secret friends are not acceptable in my opinion. I have learnt that to my cost...

[aqua]

Hi there Bonzoward

I'm sorry to hear about the situation you're in. It's the pit's isn't it? The worst feeling in the world not knowing one way or the other.

That gut feeling is a very uncomfortable one but does, more often than not, prove to be a correct one. I hope you are totally wrong, my friend! But I agree with you, being unfaithful isn't just a physical thing.

Personally, I would ask her to stop all contact now as it is very upsetting. If she is committed to you she will.

My take on the situation as I've read it is your wife is back pedalling fast and is saying things just to try and soothe your suspicions.

I've been there myself. Found loving text messages, husband denied it, then after much petestering admitted it and said it had finished. When confronted by my parents and then his parents denied it, then said it was finished and that it was nothing important. Yet 6 months on he is still with this person, yet he still doesn't acknowledge her part in his life to his family, my family or even his close friends.

Wishing you the best. Keep posting.

aqua

[IcingOnTheMoon]

Incidently he has been separated from his wife for quite a while.

Thanks, all.

I made the mistake of befriending a guy who was recently separated early in my marriage thinking I could be of some support and as it turned out, yes, he was recently separated, but he was NOT just looking for a friend. He wanted to boost his ego by playing the victim and getting some poor sap of a girl (me) to "make him feel better". As soon as I figured that out, I cut ALL contact. Stupid me for thinking he needed a platonic female ear...he has buddies for that! Sometimes a guy honestly needs a female opinion, but if she's married, couldn't they befriend the couple? Then they'd have a new drinking buddy and the female perspective all in one place! Naive, I know, but wouldn't it be nice if people were more respectful of marriage?
I think Billy's suggestion is a good one. If he's recently separated, he's probably looking for another woman to be the "rebound". I'm not trying to be cynical, but just be careful with this one.

Good luck!

[Lauz]

I agree, I would definately address this with her ASAP and tell her you dont feel comfortable with whats going on and you need to know the truth from her. This sounds like an emotional affair to me, or the beginning of one. She should respect your wishes and realise her friendship is inappropiate. She sounds like she is trying to justify its all above board. Would she be comfortable if you were a fly on the wall at one of their dinners / outings etc.? Some people dont know where the boundaries of a real friendship and inappropiate one begin and end.

[Stevet]

Bonzoward,

I have to agree with the others, the texting is not a good thing. My wife is in the midst of an emotional affair with OM and the majority of her communication with him is through text messaging. She has an infatuation with him from what i can gather and the communcation has become an addiction.

I am in no place to advise you what to do, I am starting to learn more about something called "the fog" have a look at my page "the end" and there is a link there from David to it, see if it rings any bells for you, it certainly does with me. Your wife is telling you it is innocent and there is nothing wrong, however this is exactly what i was told by my w too....

Keep strong.

Steve

[Bonzoward]

Thank you all for your replies.

My problem now is that she is carrying on as if nothing happened. I was so angry on Monday evening but now it is as if nothing was said. This concerns me - she has always been moody and if I have said anything out of turn in the past she would sulk for days. There are therefore two options: 1 she really does feel that she did nothing wrong and that we have cleared the air and her promise not to do it again in the future is enough or: 2. there is much more I don't know and she wants to get things back to normal (i.e. get me back to normal) so I don't dig and find it out.

I'm really concerned that the latter is the case and it is gnawing me so much I have to continue digging. I think, techincally, it can be possible to retrieve deleted messages from a mobile phone (just as deleting things on a PC doesn't remove them just allows the area to be overwritten). I feel a right git looking into this and someone said about the dangers of being overprotective but its my gut instinct again and the bulk of the messages her imply my guts are in working order.

I dont really want to confront her with details from messages but at the moment I am feeling like a nutjob who has taken exception to a perfectly normal carrying on between friends. For my own sanity (going back to where I started this thread) I feel I need to find out.

I did ask her to google words like text and affair and read the numerous article that come up to try to put herself in my position and understand why I was so upset by the mobile bill. That was Monday evening and I dont think she has. She isn't stupid and her apparant ignorance is therefore my concern.

Its nice writing on here because I really don't want to (at this stage anyway) talk to anyone I know. So thank you all who have replied and thank you those who have just read my ramblings. By letting me pour some out you my well have stopped my brain going pop.

[Stevet]

You have to trust your Gut, it is seldom wrong.....

Maybe someone else on here can advise a different approach, i know you have to dig but if it is a phase she is going through and just needs to get out of it then too much snooping could damage things beyond repair.

Keep posting, stay strong (need to use my own advise sometimes....)

[gtrplayer]

Your wife is behaving inapproriately.

She has now put on rose coloured glasses and each time she has contact she moving closer and closer to him.

I think it was OK that they went out for 1 business meeting, but after that she is just getting involved. I am sure she got a "high" from going out to dinner and she wants to keep this going which is why she carries on seeing him.

You have voiced your concerns and a reasonable person would heed them and stop contact. I am sorry to say that your wife must be falling in love with him as she is not being reasonable.

If you want to do something, then only drastic action will work. You will need to act fast. Do as billyboy suggested. Ask for his wife's phone number so you can spend a day at the seaside with her.

Sally

Wow! Wholeheartedly argree! I am ashamed and hate to admit it here, but I HAVE admitted my issue and problem, so I'm ok with it.

I know exactly what she is doing and it's not good! First of she is not respecting your marriage at all. She is not respecting you as a husband and as a human by doing this. She is most certainly doing things she should not be doing while married to you.

This is coming from a guy who DID this, so I very well know the game. Don't brush your questions aside... bright them to the forefront and confront her with them, and if need be...seek some more investigation into the issue. You need to ensure that you take care of you though.

Wow... don't be blind to this. She is not!

[RON]

Do you have a problem? Hell yes, your wife is having an affair with this guy and keeping you in the dark. No woman keeps going to lunch with a guy and exchanged text messages constantly unless there is something going on. If you love her, call him out and let him know he can't have her.

[SilentBob]

Bonzo, gotta agree with Ron. Definitely not normal activity, if it was nothing, why go through any motions to cover the activity up. That in and of itself is as good as an admission of guilt. Someone stated that maybe you should ask her about having the guy over for dinner. Her answer to that should be rather telling.

Best of luck to you.

[deadletteroffice]

A close confident of the opposite sex not leading to an emotional affair is quite rare. She has to cut ties and then you'll go through a period where she is down because of withdrawal friom the good feelings attached to this man. However, if she doesn't, the emotional affair will become a physical one. - Just my guess.