Does it ever get better?

[cybergirl777]

Hi all,
This is my first post on this board - here is my story (briefly!).
I had been with my husband for 13 years and married for 9 months. Since November last year he had been very stressed with work and various family dramas - so life had not been full of laughs. Anyway at Easter he was being very argumentative and then the bomb-shell - "I have been seeing my old assistant manager for a couple of weeks". This was followed my a massive apology and him wanting to sort things out with me. To be honest I was in shock but tried to work things out. We went to marriage counselling etc (my choice) and things looked up. However he secretly started seeing her again, and the lies just got worse and worse. It got to the point that during May he was even going away with her, but still kept coming home insisting we could work things out. I guess I stuck it out as I believed he was mad or having some kind of crisis, and also he always gave me hope. Anyway, the situation ended with him getting a flat with his girlfriend of 12 weeks! (2 days after our 1st wedding ann).
The problem for me is that I can not move forward. He is very happy with his new life. He has literally left everything behind - house, car, belongings etc. I spend every waking moment analysing what went wrong and how he can move on so fast. I hardly ever sleep and my life is a mess. I know everyone says time heals, but how do you ever get past the hurt and betrayal of the one person you trusted most in life? Whilst I hate him for what he has done, I can not cope with the thought of our lives not being together. Did/does anyone else feel this? I just don't see how I can move forward?

Any advise?
:(

[what-happened]

I hardly ever sleep and my life is a mess. I know everyone says time heals, but how do you ever get past the hurt and betrayal of the one person you trusted most in life? Whilst I hate him for what he has done, I can not cope with the thought of our lives not being together. Did/does anyone else feel this? I just don't see how I can move forward?

Any advise?
:(

cybergril777
I wish I had the answers for you and me, it is only when these things happen that you realise how entwined your lives and feelings really were and hence how much what is happening effects your every waking moment. So what you are feeling, whilst disturbing, is normal and small steps are the only way to go.

I have found that an element of substitution helps, (I do not mean find someone else) try and have good times with friends and family that understand and the more good times you have that do not involve him the more highs you will have. The trouble I found was that I did not want to mix much and so perpetuated the gloom for myself. Now I force myself to try and can enjoy certain events before the gloom descends again. Ohh for a fastforward button!

Thining of you J.

[Topsy47]

Hi! So sorry to hear what you are going through, it must be awful.

My husband walked out 4wks ago and, although there is nobody else involved, I am trying to cope also. What I find is that if I think about him and what he is doing and try to analyse it too much then it does me no good at all.

The only way I can cope is by making plans of what I am going to do. Much as I would love to work things out with him, I work on the assumption that that is not going to happen. So I am making plans of where I would like to live when we sell the house, what I am going to do financially and practical things like that. I am also keeping in touch with all my friends and taking up as many invites as I can to keep busy amongst people I can trust.

I am seeing a counsellor - fortunately its something that I can get free through work for the moment - but it definitely helps me focus more on me and what my strengths are and what I can do.

Its not easy but the realisation is that I have no control over what my husband is doing at the moment. What I do have control over is where I take my life to from here if he is not around. Taking back a bit of control and working on any positives you can find does help you feel a bit more empowered.

I dont know if any of this helps but good luck and I'll be thinking of you.

topsy

[AnnieP]

My husband left me last Friday. I am constantly wondering where he is, what he is doing, will he text me etc. It is awful. I agree with the above. Make yourself accept invitations, go out, even though you do not want to. Make lists of things you can do throughout the day to keep you busy. My house has never been so tidy, adn he's only been gone 3 days!
I am hoping it will get better, and of course, that he will come back, but I am also getting counselling, and quietly making plans for what to do if he doesn't.
Good luck!
xxx

[cybergirl777]

Hi,

Thank you for your replies.
It does mean a lot that people understand. I guess it is just hard, my husband take great delight in telling me how happy he is in his new life. This totally knocks my confidence as it makes me wonder how it can be so easy for him, yet I am struggling so much.

xx

[AnnieP]

That's really hard cybergirl. I do empathise with you. Its horrid when they seem to have moved on, and what he is saying to you is very heartless under the circumstances.
Do you have to keep up contact of this sort? It just seems to be hurting you.

[Ginger God]

Yes it does get better although I am now 18 months down the line.
I left her which was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. She is now living with the guy who she was seeing and it doesnt bother me anymore. Its simply time..you wont think it but it is. My kids are with me this week, I have already had them for 2 weeks of the summer holidays.
My time now with them is great, my time on my own is great and my time with my new girl is great.
I put my wife on a pedestal and thought the sun shone out of her...sorry...arse...but it didnt..she was a cheat and a liar.
For everyone who splits becuase their partner leaves and who thinks there is no one else involved..beware..there is always someone else involved..its all about sex...nothing else.

Graham

[cybergirl777]

It's difficult at the moment as he literally walked out and left everything for me to sort out. I have had to pack up all his belongings - which he has finally collected. But it is all the financial things and the house that I am currently working through. So unfortuantely I do need to see him occasionally.
The other issue is that he lives about a mile away from me, so I sometimes pass him in the street - which is strange, but I am trying to go different ways now!
Hopefully now that things are getting sorted I won't need to see him, as you are right it does me no good. Whilst he looks the same he is not the same guy I married which is hard to accept

Claire xx

[Ginger God]

Why did you pack his things for him Claire?
Other options include taking a bunsen burner to them...or and probably a bit safer...just simply cut them up.
Do nothing for him..make him sit down with you just the once to sort out the finances, try and be strong, try and show him you are coping and when you see him make sure you look bloody good..he may see that the grass isnt greener.

Graham

[cybergirl777]

Graham,
I know what you mean. To be honest I packed his things (threw in bin liners) as I knew he wouldn't. I was finding it so difficult with his belongings everywhere, that I thought it would help me to be rid.
As far as finances go, every conversation had him regressing to childhood, with his only desire to be rid of me and our house as quick as possible - yet not actually doing anything about it. I have taken control of things as I would still be sat here in 6 months wondering if he was going to cough up for his share of the mortgage. This way (although not ideal) I am trying to get on with things for myself.
xx

[Ginger God]

Claire..you can get hold of me at grahamburnett@yahoo.co.uk if you need any more help to get through this....

Graham