Don't know how to handle this

[Topsy47]

hi! My husband walked out about 4wks ago. I have posted before but for those that didn't see it - it was basically a bolt out the blue as far as our relationship was concerned. My husband had been very down for some time which stems from his mum dying in difficult circumstances. I knew he wasn't happy but didn't realise that he wasn't happy with me. He feels the spark has gone from our marriage and sees me only as a friend.

Thankfully he has finally started some counselling and we have been keeping things on a friendly basis. I saw him on Saturday when he came round for some stuff and he said he was feeling more positive in himself and the atmosphere between us was more relaxed. I was starting to feel that he might be on the turn and possibly going to give things another chance between us.

We have a practical problem with our house in that the drains need some repairs and we've just found out how much it will cost. This morning he has emailed me and said it depends on what we are going to do with the house as to whether we get the work done. I know its only a small thing but the reality of what is happening has really hit home - basically he's saying that if we are going to sell the house then its not worth forking out a lot of money on repairs. So it makes me feel as though he is now thinking forward and still planning to go ahead with a complete split - just as I thought he might be changing his mind.

I have tried to be positive throughout this and have made plans for what I want to do if we don't reconcile but the thought of putting those plans into action is scary and not really what I want.

So far he has been adamant that he doesnt want to try and work things out. He is living at his dads at the moment and I dont believe there are any third parties involved. I would really like for him and me to just TRY to see if we can be happy again but I have no control over what he decides to do.

I'm just feeling in a real mess this morning and would be grateful for any advice/help that anyone can suggest.

Thanks
P

[what-happened]

Topsy47

Just thought I would respond as I know what it is like to feel left out in the cold when you are feeling low, lonely and unsure and my heart goes out to you.

In terms of advice I do not know what to say despite going through the same sort of things. My wife left for no estbalished reason and was adament about leaving and yet still bought joint presents for the house and then asked for help in finding somewhere new for her to live, a very mixed message.

All I would advise is that you decide what you want and whilst you cannot force that on your partner it helps to know that you are prepared. Also I guess the harder part is to prepare for the 'other option' and believe it or not it can be empowering knowing that you have some sort of plan or options even if they are not desirable options. Remember that you are not alone in this and support from other people with understanding these events will aid to some degree. Maybe you could suggest that some marriage counselling for you both would help you both understand each other feelings better and make better choices for the future.

I wish you well with your progress through this. Sorry I cannot be of more help. J

[Topsy47]

Thanks for that! Funnily enough, my counsellor has given me very similar advice. Basically, I can't control what he is doing but that doesnt stop me taking some control of my own life and getting on with things.

thanks again
topsy