Thank You

[johnj]

I am sitting here writing to you guys next to a sign that I posted next to my cpu that says "nothing worth having comes easy"
For the last six months I have been reading your storys and found the strengh to deal with my situation from you guys without talking with anyone and I have to change that. I feel as if I have been as selfish as my W.
My story simillar to stevet no children, together for 14yrs, W's mom pasted, W came with news week later in 1st week of febuary "I love you but not in love with you" I'm 34 and she is 35. Went with the 180 witch got from you guys and works but still she ends with I need space she wants the cake and eat it to.
She has been so bad to me in the way that she has treated me that I am not sure if I can stay with her. I don't know if I can keep it up anymore. I was not happy with our marriage the last few years because of my own unhappiness with myself and her but I now can see my faults, but she can't. Not sure what to do. I know I can't change her just want to help her, but not sure if I can and am mad at myself that I might let her go. It is a commin thread I know, but if I want to get inducted into the "curry club" guess I better write.

[AnnieP]

Hey John, welcome aboard!
Sorry to hear of your troubles. I am afraid that when our partners are acting this way, whatever we do it will make no difference to how they feel. We have to give them the space, listen to all their irrational, exaggerated and often, completely misguided views of our relationships and not argue.
The question is what it is doing to you whilst all this is going on. You may decide, like me, to weather teh storm, give the space, and hope against hope that your old partner, the one whose head has been abducted by space aliens, returns to you, or you may realise along the way that, hey, you don't feel the same way about them now, and even if they did return, you wouldn't want them. Its the risk they take.
Bottom line is, you connot help them, they have to do it and make their decisions. You just stand back and take care of yourself mate. Keep posting!

[Stevet]

John,

Glad you posted and welcome aboard!

Annie is spot on, you cannot help them, they can only help themselves. All we can do is support them and if we are prepared to and have patience we give them space then evaluate the situation when/if they return.

Thing we do need to do is save ourselves, I am trying to start this process as I know that I have got to change things about me in order to A. have a hope of saving my marriage and B. have a chance at having a life after this is all done.

Regards,

Steve

P.S. Welcome to the curry club...just need the founder member Morty to return...

[Stevet]

Hi Morty,

Welcome back mate. So sorry to hear that, it is horrible that they just cannot break out of it. I think I read that her OM is the other end of the country to you isn't he?

Read the post from the day before yesterday on "the fog" goes some way to explaining what my wife is going through, could be similar for you.

So much has happened in my life since you were gone too, been a nightmare if i am honest, but hey ho there are plenty of other people in as difficult situations.

Good to have you back.

Steve

[johnj]

Hey all thanks for responding.

I have been all over the place the last week or so with my situation because as I look back and realize how she has treated me I am not sure that I want her back. Someone asked me the other day why am I trying to save my marriage and for the first time that was my only answer because we are married.

She has it very comfy right now and has since she moved out. I have supported her in all of her decisions and thru this been threre when ever she needed it.

I sat her down mon. night and told her that she had to give me a yes or no on making us work by noon the next day. Thinking I would be strong enough not to take it any other way. She called at 10:30am to tell me that we should spend more time together and see what can happen. Also that I have not been truely sincire in my efforts to save the marriage because I should move from our house so she can be more comfy.

I feel so bad for her because she is in a "fog" but I don't understand how she can be so callus to me.

She was mad at the short time I gave her to decide and wanted more time so I gave her 1 week with nc. I know what she is going to do because I see the same actions on here more cycling. How can you break it.

[Stevet]

John,

We are in very similar circumstances...

I dont know which way to turn or what to think right now. My wife has already told me our marriage is over on 2 separate occasions only to then u-turn and say she is confused and needs more time.

I am at my witts end at the moment, I want to call her and make sure she is ok but know I need to be strong and give her space.

I can sincerley sympathise with you mate.

hold in there....

[johnj]

Hey Steve

It is amazing the similarity. I have been reading your thread for a while. I get the I want a D then just to turn around and say I don't I am so confused. I told her very clearly that I want to work it out that I belive in her and our marriage that she needs to just let me help her thru this as we are here to help each other. She likes to have her cake and eat it too. This time I am the one who asked for space, like you said still hard not to call her. I told her that I wish I could understand her toughts and feelings and she said that she wishes she could understand them too. If I could just understand what she was going thru I don't think I would have to force her into making her mind up.

[AnnieP]

Guys, I hate to say it, but ultimatims don't work. How can you put a timescale on getting your head sorted? My H has gone away fro 3 months to try to work out what he wants, and I still wonder if that's truly enough time....... The trouble with saying "I want you to tell me by Friday etc, is the danger that they will end up making a snap decision, and it coud well be the wrong one. Patience.

[johnj]

yeah I am worried about that but it just seems that the more time apart the easier it will be for her to just end with out any pain or feelings. It as if I have supported her so much that I have allowed her to avoid herself and in the end she will not have grown.

[Stevet]

Annie is very right, ultimatums don't work as such....

However they do move things forward and at least can bring a particular situation to a head.

[Topsy47]

Hi! I agree that ultimatums don't work in general. I know if I issued my H with one at the moment he would just say that our marriage is over and he doesn't want to work on it. By giving him time, I hope that he may change his mind.
I guess the main thing is that you make a choice on what you are prepared to do i.e. wait and live in hope or give the ultimatum to force their hand.

[Coffeebean]

can I ask what you guys think as I have been quite baffled by it for 8 months. In November we found out about the baby. In december my H was all I don't love you like I did wants to be in separate rooms. New Year was willing to try again. January found he was texting ow who was declaring love and he was still nothing has changed between us was upset that I had checked his phone and said he was just waiting for the baby to be born or his gran to die, as he didn't think she'd cope with another divorce in the family!!! - now here's the odd thing whilst I has having a total melt down - put myself in bed, sleeping tablets, refusing to eat etc I pulled myself together in February to protect my baby to find my mum had been working in the background and put in place a very expensive divorce lawyer all the males in my family and arranged the house for me to leave h and go to her. H found out through an email I sent - he found out at 11pm came to bed at 12pm questioned me about - I told him the truth that the gun was loaded we were just waiting for him to say the word, that he wanted out, and it would all be arranged I would leave (taking the dog with me) and he would have no contact with me ever again all matters would be dealt with by the family and laywer - by 2am he woke me up did a total u-turn lots of kisses etc and here i am 8 months later about to give birth and he has be a darling.

I know mum hit him hard - she's always been a tough nut and a gambler but surley nobody does a u-turn that quickly that fast????

I don't trust him now wonder how he writes to when his phone goes or what he does when he walks the dog and am waiting to see if he does leave me once the baby is born.

Any thoughts any one. I agree that Ultimatums don't work in general but not sure if this lack of trust is down to hormons or general comon sence.

[AnnieP]

Coffeebean... Can I borrow your mum??? :O)
Is he a coward? Do you really think that would have frightened him into staying? If so, then I guess the underlying problems have not been addressed have they?
If however, he realised you are strong, have support and could manage quite nicely without him, thank you very much, then maybe it has changed the way he thinks of you and it is a genuine U turn?
It is all rather puzzling! If its any consolation, I don't know what is going through my h's head either! You simply cannot second guess them, and as awful as it seems, because it makes you feel so powerless, I guess we will all have to just sit it out and wait and see eh?
Good luck! I'm thinking of you
xx