Should I just end it???

[mikela]

Hi, I'm new here, I've been married for over 11 years. We were very happy in the begging, our child was born 1,5 after we got married. I really loved and adore my husband. My husband did not have a happy life, luck just happens to omit him. He lost his parents early, he himself had a handfull of problems with his health, his only sister is sick, he's a student, he's suppose to graduate soon ( that's a stressfull situation), he doeas not bring a lot of money home from the job he does now, he basicaly thinks that he failed a s a man. I never wanted anything from him, we have a small house, he got his health back, I think we're doing good considering the situation , we could be happy if he only could stop drinking and being angry all the time. He started drinking heavily long time ago, at first I did not think anthing of it, he would get drunk and then promise me he would never do it again. After a while i started to smell alcohol from him on daily basis, he would deny everything of course. Then I started finding empty bottles in the basement, hidden somewhere. To make long story short - he's still doing it. We had so many conversations about it, he promised me hundred times he would change but that never happened. Recently it got even worse, I can't talk to him about anything, he gets angry when I ask about his job, school, sister, his recent weight gain. I have no idea what to do. I don't know if this is going to change once he graduates and finds a new, good paying job. Our friends and cousins see him as this funny guy, always there to make everybody laugh. They don't really see the problem, they see me as this witchy b.... who always checks how much her husband drinks. What am I suppose to do????

[Raymond]

I feel there are issues from his childhood which he is carrying around Mikela. A lot of our problems stem from upsbringing. Deep furrows are made in childhood especially the younger part of it that can negatively affect the rest of ones life. These can be overcome if one gives attention to it. I would recommend christian counseling for him. there are probably all sorts of issues that need sorting out. The drinking is a sympton of it. He needs help. There is probably rejection there as well which needs to be dealt with.

Raymond

[poppy]

Mikela - sorry to read about your pain and sadness. From what you say I think our H is an alcoholic. Had this occurred to you? Yes he has had a lot of sadness and difficulties in his life and drinking may well be a way of coping with his unhappiness, insecurities and just life! The problem with alcoholics is that they always have a reason (excuse) to give themselves for drinking, getting drunk. When they are happy, unhappy, a bad day, a good day, it's rainin the sun's shining, row with the wife, with the boss. Get the drift.

You cannot help your H with this. Only he can make the choice to get some help, and this he needs to do. But he has to do it for himself. Believe me, you are the last person in the world he will do it for. You are his enabler, the person who always tolerates what he's doing, his bad behaviour, his anger.

What you need to do is think very carefully about the future you face with this man. Also the welfare of your child. You deserve to be happy. Perhaps the time has come for you to give him an ultimatum. Give him a timeframe, but you have to mean it. Do not waste your life. Years fly by in a blink of an eye, and then it's too late. Think of yourself and your child first. I hope this helps. Keep posting. Others will probably have different views from my own. But I come to you with a lot of experience of this situation. I wish you well.

Only you can decide whether you should end it. I would strongly suggest you contact Al-Anon and get some support and get to talk to people is a similar position to your own. It will help you to make decisions and to move forward with your life.