Separated For 4 Weeks... Need Advice

[simon k]

hello. ive been reading this forum for the last month with great interest. ive decided i need to post now. to summarise: ive been separated for nearly 4 weeks now after 3 years of marriage. no children. wife says she has love me, cares for me but not in love with me. shes now renting a room on her own. we've met a few times since the separation, primarily to give her things etc. everytime we've met she compliments me on how good i look, how ill easily find another woman, get remarried.

i remember she told a mutual mate few weeks before the separation that she felt responsible for my unhappiness, didnt feel we were compatible and didnt want the marriage to work.


when we last spoke on the phone she indirectly told me she still has strong feelings and finds it hard seeing me. she also wants to move abroad in a few months time to get away as far as possible (ie. from me and her family). she also mentioned sometime like meeting up again after a long time

our marriage was mostly fun although sexless (ie. no penetration).. due to psychological issues with her and sex. she also suffered terrible low self-esteem.

anyway peeps. enuff of the depressing stuff. has anyone ever identified with/ or knows of someone like my wife

my approach, after initially becoming emotionally unstable (crying, pleading, begging etc) is to unconditionally support her with her actions; accept her decisions and show her how strong i am now. she hates weak men. at the same time i am giving her subtle hints that i want our marriage to work and i still deeply care for me.

any/ all advice appreciated

simon

[pmoon]

Hi Simon, im sorry to hear that you find yourself in this situation. My wife has also been gone for almost a month, and it hurts very badly. I believe that my wife felt the same (she was to blame for my unhappiness, felt we have grown apart, didnt want to make it work). She too had suffered from self-esteem issues in the past, but may possibily feel that she has moved past these. However, mutual friends that have known her for a long time feel that she is just repeating her same behaviour, its hard to take.

All i know is that you can only offer people options, it is their choice to take them or leave them. Unfortunately i think i have spent alot of my time doing things for her (and she has spent alot of time letting me!). I think i need to find out how to do things for myself again, that is what will make me stronger and my old self. Maybe the 'old self' she wanted, maybe not, who knows.

What do you want?, what would you have wanted fom the relationship that you never had? Its ok to ask these questions, tell people what you think, keep posting.

Paul

[markus]

Simon a relationship would never work with her .... you have no children so its a lot less complicated then most seperations
Keep moving on !

[simon k]

another thing to add.. we both lived with my parents and she always wanted her own space. in the past i always made false promises about buying our own place and she saw through this. after our 'recent' issues i told her wholeheartedly lets move out but now she says thats not the issue. our marriage still wouldnt work. since our separation i told her i am buying an apartment because i need my own space too (which i do, away from my parents). she was very surprised and seemed almost interested.

in some ways ive become a stronger person since our separation.. confident and assertive. but that doesnt mean i have moved on

some other points. when we were together we were very attached to eachother. everything we did was as a unit.. going out with mates, socialising, shopping etc.

she mentioned something about meeting again after 10 years. reminded me of something from a jane austin novel (ie. rekindling lost love).

in regards to her self esteem. it is quite serious. she's admitted it during our turbulent few weeks. had no love/ respect for herself.

markus. maybe your right. but i dont want to give up so easily. its almost like a battle in a war. she needs to conquer her mind and see the truth. i can probably find someone else one day who'll i'll begin to 'love' and care for. but i dont want to. if my wife can look me in the eyes, with contentment and sincerety and tell me she want to move on ill beleive it. but shes very confused in the way she looks/ acts and talks. i want to try and move forward with her.

[simon k]

hi pmoon. i read about your situation. i can relate to a lot too. its good to talk. your right about doing things for yourself. become stronger from this.

you dont have to give up hope but always prepare for the worst. life is too short.

remember its not easy for her too.

sometimes when my wife speaks to me i can sense this 'fake' confidence/ assetiveness. i called her out of the blue to arrange some details and she sounded like an emotional wreck. thats when i realised she not 100% happy with what shes doing. theres lots of signs.

[deadletteroffice]

Hi, A few thoughts - She can't have a successful relationship until she deals with herself. Everything she has done / said is about running away. She needs you to be strong because she isn't. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) might be worth looking into for her - if she'll consider trying it. I think you're damn cool for not wanting 6to give up. Don't let her run away - try and be the friend who helps her deal with her problems. Will be very hard and will take time, but if you love her and she'll let you help, then it would probably feel like the one thing you are currently up to managing.

[simon k]

hi

dlo.. i will look into this :)

an update - my car brokedown last week ( - about midnight on the hard shoulder).. as i waited for the AA i txted her a philosophical quote from a book i had been reading. she phoned me back almost straightaway asking if i was okay, do i need her to pick me up. i said im ok. plus i was too far from her anyway... she sounded very worried. anyway i spoke about what i had been upto (work etc) but i could feel she didnt really want to engage in a long convo...so i ended it quickly telling her the AA were trying to phone me.

next day she txt'd me if i was okay plus she needed the breakdown details. i gave them to her.
later that night... (i sometimes cant help myself) i asked her if we can meet at the church on the following wednesday (it was our anniversary). to this she replied she couldnt as she found it too hard... "i still have a place for you in my heart, but i cant be part of your life anymore" :( ouch

out of anxiety... i txted her a lot of meaningful quotes about life and being happy and said it would make me more relaxed if we could meet (wrong move!). she just didnt want to know.

i told my self relax :) a day before she really wanted to meet me on the motorway.. now she's telling me she cant meet me because its too 'hard'

anyway moving on... a few days pass and low and behold my bloody car jacks in again except this time its almost fatal. i narrowly avoid an oncoming lorry. im in a&e.. few stiches... im very emotional and totally disorientated... i felt i had to txt her what happenned eventhough in my heart i knew it was the wrong thing to do.. again she phones back straightaway... i couldnt speak though (i was too emotional and told her y is GOD punishing me, how i try so hard to please him.... told her i dont want to speak to her and i put the phone down)

i really couldnt speak to her. she txted me an hour later... miscalled me twice next morning/ evening and txted me again. in her txts she ask me if im okay. i never responded.

i just didnt want to respond. its been a week since that incident. im still trying to recover... i dont know why i ignored her txt's/ calls. maybe i should have responded.

anyway.. im still trying to contemplate my next move. i have a few things i want to try, but at the moment i feel the time isnt right

(live each day as it comes)

[markus]

You need to get her out your head .... thats all there is to it
Move on