Why can't I just get over it?

[aqua]

Hi folks
8 months since finding out about OW, 6 months separation. Getting on with my life - good job, going out with friends, change of appearance, relate counselling, internet dating experiences (all bombed), children coping well.

Yet why do I still feel so bad?

I've tried so hard to move on, but nothing is working. I feel so alone right now. If H is so in love with OW why doesn't he end our marriage formally and have closure. I know I'm not emotionally ready to initiate proceedings.

Sorry, not what people need to hear on a Friday, but I needed someone to talk to.

aqua

[nik1h]

Hey you.

Why doesnt he end it. I dont know hun? I feel the same, but we are too scared of ending it cos we feel there is a chance of it sorting itself out

We should do it ourselves but I cant either.

I been for councelling tonight again and its just not helping. She tells me what to do but I just cant. Every weekend is a nightmare for me.

Just try get through each hour and hope something good happens somewhere.

Hugs n stuff

[Coffeebean]

your being too hard on yourself. Its only been a short time really and you are going to have up and down days. Its amazing how you have already managed to pick yourself up and start again but go gently on yourself. I personally don't think that he is finishing it so that he can turn around and say its not his fault because you "ended it".

I hope the rest of your evening is better for you. Do you have any nice plans for the weekend? Remember to be nice to yourself.

[jools]

Hi Aqua
Just my take on this. You're still feeling so bad cos it's only been 8 months. I know i've been so impatient to feel ok on a consistent basis. Even when i've had two good weeks i've then been disappointed to fine myself crying again. I would say that it's only since the 1 year anniversary of our parting that i've felt consistently fine. I now feel absolutely 100% convinced that I would NEVER want him back - or even what I was going through 3 years leading up to the separation. I tried the whole match.com bit - but it was more of a survival instinct rather than being ready for a relationship. I wasn't ready and doubt whether you are yet. i'm feeling much more comfortable in my own skin and in my own space these days. I'm guessing you're a bit like me - "impatient". It's a feature of my personality. If there's a problem I want it solved RIGHT NOW!

Of course you're not ready - for anything! You just gotta accept that your brain is going thro a very difficult reprogramming. Every bad dream and bad day is serving a purpose. You need to feel these things and churn them over in your head again and again until they become acceptable and less painful. You're doing all the right things - going out with friends etc. For a while you won't enjoy doing these things as you should. You'll find yourself thinking "I'm only here and doing these things cos i'm alone" and you actually miss the enjoyment of the moment. Just after the 12 mths I suddenly realised that I was out with all my friends and I was really enjoying it and didn't think about my "situation". It'll come in time. I'm not saying it'll be 12 months - that was just me - you might take longer - or shorter - but it WILL happen. Be patient. You'll get there.

As for divorce? I haven't gone there yet cos i'm not ready. But what's the rush? All in good time --- and YOUR time.
Jools XXXXXXX:)
________
LovelyWendie (http://www.lovelywendie99.com/)

[Raymond]

A break up of marriage is a terrible thing. It's like when you glue two pieces of wood together. If you pull them apart after they dry some of the wood will be stuck on the other one and vice versa. Part of you went over to your husband Aqua and part of him to you, not only the time spent but the knowing of each other intimately. In the sexual union your spirits mingled whether you realise it or not. This is why you find it difficult. Unfaithfulness is a terrible thing, when one has given themselves in trust to another. Jesus said that what God has joined together let no man pull asunder, also that the two will be one flesh. This is what makes it so difficult as it is not God's best for us.

I can understand in part why you still feel as you do as what has happened was never the best plan for your life, but a result of temptation and unfaithfulness. Marriage is such an important and holy thing that one cannot play around with it without getting seriously hurt as many of the threads on here show. I'm old fashioned enough to believe the vows mean forever or until death till us part.

Nevertheless as an innocent party you have done nothing wrong and second chances do come along, so I do pray that it works out for you and goes one way or the other whatever is best for you.

Raymond

[aqua]

Hi folks

nik1h - thanks for your support. Luckily weekends aren't too bad as I have my children. I know what I need to do (the big D) but haven't the strength.

coffeebean - "I personally don't think that he is finishing it so that he can turn around and say its not his fault because you "ended it".
I think you've hit the nail on the head there. It was me that actually threw him out in the first place. He didn't want to go, he wanted to be a cakeman and not be seen as causing the family to break up. Maybe it's to try and ease his guilt.

jools - Thanks for your honesty. You're absolutely right I am impatient. Trouble is I've been consistantly fine for months. I can't understand why I'm feeling bad now. Maybe because I'm not working now - summer holidays, I'm a teacher. As for divorce I've been advised to think about it and act quickly and go for a clean break settlement. But I just can't.

Raymond - thank you for your thoughts. I don't think my husband retains any part of me at all to be honest. I don't understand how someone could change so much. He was always the one saying we'd be together for ever. I always felt something bad was waiting for me round the corner.

Maybe I have not been so innocent. Perhaps it was all my fault that he strayed. I should have been a better wife.

Thank you folks for your input and insights. Much appreciated.

aqua

[jools]

Hi Aqua
jools - Thanks for your honesty. You're absolutely right I am impatient. Trouble is I've been consistantly fine for months. I can't understand why I'm feeling bad now. Maybe because I'm not working now - summer holidays, I'm a teacher. As for divorce I've been advised to think about it and act quickly and go for a clean break settlement. But I just can't. It's definitely the summer hols. I teach and this is the first holiday where i've enjoyed it without getting down. School is such a brilliant distraction - but maybe too much of a distraction. Maybe sometimes we need time to face things, dwell on them and yes, even get upset. Think of it as part of the healing process.

Is the advice regarding the quick divorce settlement because it would be financially advantageous to you? That's the only reason I can think of why you should act quickly.

Maybe I have not been so innocent. Perhaps it was all my fault that he strayed. I should have been a better wife. Cr*p! Don't even go there! Don't make excuses for him. There is no perfect couple where everyone's doing everything just right. But not all partners cheat. Just tell yourself the stupid sod didn't know when he was well off.
Love Jools
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[nik1h]

Maybe I have not been so innocent. Perhaps it was all my fault that he strayed. I should have been a better wife.


No way. None of us are innocent and we can look back and say I could have done things different or better, but it sure as hell aint your fault.

Not understanding is what causes us to do this. Why did they stray or leave, I must have done something wrong but in reality we did no more wrong than them yet they choose to act in a selfish irresponsible way, hurting us without caring. Well I hope all our partners who have wronged us go rot in hell for eternity!

Sorry about the rant Im just in that place.

[aqua]

Jools - thanks for that. You have a way with words that's for sure ;). I like that. I just don't understand why after 20 years H decided we weren't right for each other!
Re: divorce - for financial reasons yes. But I just can't face dealing with it all just yet, even though I know there's no hope salvaging this marriage. I'm obviously not as strong as I thought.

nik1h - no need to apologise for the rant. I think I must have done something wrong why else would he have looked else where. I think part of the reason was because I'd become more independent. Maybe he felt unwanted and not needed. That is my fault. He needs to feel like the protector. The OW has issues..alcoholism, heart problems, insomnia and he's deeply in love with her.

The worst thing is I still love him, but if he came running back I don't think I would have him back. Actually I know I wouldn't. I wish I could fall out of love, but it's not happening. I'm probably clinging to the past and really need to let go, but that's difficult when there are children involved.

Take care
aqua