Coming back after a separation

[scratch9]

My wife and I had been married for 12 years. We have 3 kids (11, 9, 3). About 18 months ago, we got separated. I had fallen in love with another woman. I moved out to my mother's house and continued seeing this other woman. Things went well with us and we got an apartment last September together. We were madly in love. Things were mostly good except that my wife wouldn't let the kids meet her, so that made things a little hard.

In about March of this year, my wife informed me that she was going to move back to CA where her family is. We live in VA right now. I took this hard, but tried telling myself that it would actually be ok. As the school year started finishing up, and the move got closer, I started panicking and thinking that I couldn't lose my kids. So I really panicked and made the rash decision to break-up with my girlfriend and convince my wife to take me back. I told her all the things she needed to hear, that I could still love her and we would work on it.

It has been about a month now, and I am realizing that I really don't love my wife and I am still madly in love with my girlfriend. I can NOT get over her. I have never in my life loved someone like I love her and I can't stand myself for being such and idiot and giving that up.

Anyway, now I'm in this position of not knowing what to do. I don't want to be with my wife. I'm not happy with her and I don't love her. But now that I've come back, and the kids have me back, can I really leave again? Am I stuck now? I really need some good advice. thanks.

[Stevet]

I don't think you are going to get too much sympathy in here....

[Coffeebean]

you only have two choices and it basically depends on what you really want - your kids or this other woman. I know of many parents who have stayed in unhappy marriages till their kids have reached 18 to ensure that they are stable and happy and then moved one. I don't know how old your children are but you going and coming is going to be very confusing for them. How do you know that your girlfriend will take you back. Did you tell her you were doing it for your children? Has your wife believed you when you said all was fine. I always feel that most people have a gut instinct about these things maybe she already knows that you are struggling.

Your call i'm afraid your kids or your girlfriend. My dad picked his girlfriends (yes plural) and he is not feeling the hit of it until just recently 18 years later, when he is struggling with missing out in knowing his grandchild. He is really trying to be part of things but honestly there is no role for him in our lives for him to be part of it.

I hope you find the answers to the questions you are looking for. Do remember your wife's feelings though.

[Raymond]

Scratch when you come to the end of your life what memories do you want? That you deserted your wife and possibly your kids for some feelings which I guarantee will not last? This girl will also be guilty of breaking up the family which you had. You may not have the strength to do the right thing, but it doesn't make it the wrong thing. The right thing is obvious to you and you know it. If you do the right thing you will need your wife's forgiveness and you will need to learn to love and be faithful to her. Are you up to it or are you a man controlled only by feelings. I'm not sure whether you are up to it, but one cannot possibly advise you to go to this girl and desert your wife and kids. You must know that deep down surely. Right decisions produce right feelings.

Raymond