Got married then wife leaves me! Help!

[pmoon]

Hi, i dont know where to start. All i know is that i am in pain and i dont know how to make it through the hours, let alone the days at the moment.

Im 35 and got married just under two years ago. We had lived together for 6 years previously and had been a couple for 12 years in all. She is 5 years younger than me and has been a primary school teacher for 8 years now, her work has always caused problems for her and often makes her ill. I have been a self employed disc jockey since i meet her. She felt uneasy with my job for many years, and up untill three years ago would still show signs of jealousy and act like she did not trust me.

We got married in August 05, although i would have prefrered to wait untill the following year when i had finished my degree. We agreed that as long as she could take care of a lion share of the arrangements it would be sensible so as to let me concentrate on my studies. She was happy with this and wanted very much to make it happen. Very soon after the wedding (October 05) i felt that she had become distant and seemed unhappy. In December 05, after seeing if the mood would pass, i asked her directly what was wrong. She told me that she was not sure how she felt about me anymore and thought that she did not feel "as she should". We discussed this and tried to address a few issues such as work/life balances, making time to enjoy things etc.

This rocked me, more than i realised at the time, but i tried to keep all the plates spinning (so to speak). I treid to invest more in the relationship, work at my degree, dealt with an inland revenue investigation, and just about hold down enough work to pay the bills. It was a tricky balancing act, but i thought i was coping. After a two month illness she then told me in March 06 that she was still feeling unhappy. I was rocked again but tried to take positive steps, although i started to feel stressed and unable to cope. I nearly blew my degree because i couldnt focus for a while. We tried Relate, and this helped open a few topics up. She felt more positive for a while after that, but then became ill again and we just about managed to have a holiday.

However, in October 06, after i graduated and had nearly been killed in an accident, all within a week of each other, i felt that she had become depressed and asked what was wrong. She confessed to having feelings of attraction to someone at work. She felt that although nothing had happened or hinted at by her or the guy, it was wrong for her to feel attracted to someone else and meant that she did'nt love me. She left for two days then came back. She said that she had become so depressed about her life, her friends, her job, her parents, and us, that she had not been sure how she felt. She told me she now knew that she loved me and that i was "the one".I was happy to have her back and it made me realise just how much i loved her. She saw a therapist for a few weeks and seemed to be getting a handle on the things that affected her.

We continued making good progress, we had sex more, we went out more, we decorated a couple of rooms, we relaxed in each others company more. We even started to plan having a family. Her father was then diagnosed with a serious illness and her brother with depression. I tried to support her through these things, but it all started to take a toll on me. I still had not got a job, and was feeling exhausted and had start to become jealous and fearful of loosing her. My father then had to have a triple heart by-pass, which he had kept me from knowing about. I became depressed for a short period and thought she would understand. I resented that her work still dominated her life, but she would still find time to go out pretty much every Friday night and seek advice from her new (female) friend at work. I felt that i was being side lined and found it hard to be sympathetic to the pressures she would speak of.

3 weeks ago i questioned her commitment to me because of the amount of time she would find to do things that did'nt involve me, or would take time away from us. She then went to a couple of family functions at the weekend (she prefered me not to go). She returned to announce that she did not think that she loved me anymore and needed to go and stay at her friends (the new one). We agreed to meet two days later. She seemed composed, but i had been a wreck for the two days between. I could see my life falling apart and felt ashamed of the my jelousy and resentment. I wrote her a letter explaining how fearfull i had been, and how i believed that i had sabotaged all the positive things in our relationship. We agreed to meet 4 days later to talk about things.

I rung her in the morning, but she said that she still "did not feel good", this terrified me and i passed out during the day from nerves and exhaustion (and not being able to eat). I couldnt see her, but she said she had written me a letter. Her new friend delivered the letter. In it she told me that doubts had "surfaced before" and this time it "felt right to leave" and that she had "fallen out of love with me" and that she "needed to continue to find things out about herself on her own". She suggested we seperate. I was distraught and have since fallen to pieces. Its not even been two weeks and she is already looking for somewhere else to live and given me a list of furniture that she may need.

I am having therapy now and have been given anti-depressants, but its been two weeks, i still cant face work, i cry everyday and dont have any friends at hand because i have neglected other relationships because of putting so much effort into everything else. Im in desprate shape and dont know who i am any more. Im sorry to ramble but there seems to be people out there that might understand me! Is there?

Paul

[AnnieP]

Hi Paul. I am so sorry to read your post. We are all here for various takes on the same subject. We are all trying to salvage something out of a difficult marital situation.
Yours sounds like it has lurched from one disaster to the next. No wonder you feel completely done in.
I cannot even begin to give you advice. My husband is moving out today. We are all wrecks at various times, stronger at others, full of despair sometimes, slightly hoping the next. It is a rollercoaster ride, and lets face it, if our spouses are driving the rollercoaster, none of us can possibly know whether its a dip or climb that's coming up next.
The common theme on all of these threads is the uncertainty, doubt and u turns our partners take. They too are also in crisis, and need help too. Lets not forget that.
It sounds like you have tried to be so supportive and flexible with your wife, but you are just done in, as nothing still seems to have worked. For her part, she has put herself through counselling, turning to friends, talking to you, etc, none of which have seemed to resolve her unhappiness. She must be feeling wretched too.
Paul, I hate to say it, but it seems the actual problem is her, not anything you are doing or have done. This makes it almost impossible for you to do anything to help. You can only stand back and watch this awful thing unfold. This is what I have come to realise. I am not in control of what is happening, I can only stand back, support when asked and go with the flow in a positive way. Tell them how you feel, tell them you are there for them, then be a positive background presence. I am sending my husband off today with his suitcases with all his laundry up to date and ironed and a cake. I am feeling wretched on the inside, but he will only see the woman he is leaving behind being loving and strong. It might just bring him back. It might not.
Paul, you are having therapy, that is good. It will help! It might be a long haul though. You can only let her go and hope she realises her problems and does something about them.
This is a great place to be Paul, everybody will support you when you feel low. Do keep posting. We Do know how you feel.
Big hugs.
xx

[pmoon]

Hi Annie, Thank you so much for your message. It has brought tears to my eyes. I fear that you are right about her, but have still tried to follow your advice about presenting a postive, strong front (yesterday). Even though somtimes i feel hatefull towards her (and then myself), i am concerned that she is not able to reflect upon herself and may be doomed to continue making the same mistakes! Its so hard to let go of what could have been so good! I am sorry to hear about your own situation and will keep you in my thoughts and hope the universe repays you for your kindness.
Thanks

[chinadoll]

Hi Paul,

I too am very sorry to hear about what is going on. I agree with AnnieP that the problems your wife is experiencing are hers and not yours and it sounds like you have been as supportive as was humanly possible. I hope you can eventually take comfort in that.

[Stevet]

Hi Paul,

I really feel for you mate and can sypathise completely. There are a lot of similarities in your situation and in mine.

At this moment in time, despite the severity of my sitatuion I do feel ok, however like you I do have a lot of down days too.

All I can suggest is that you post in here regularly, there are some amazing people posting in these forums, all of whom have been through or are in the midst of their own personal crisis. I have relied quite heavily on the feedback I recieve to keep me strong and owe a hell of a lot to the people in here for the fact that I am not a quivering wreck 24/7.

Work can be a horrible place, I too have experienced the negative effects on a relationship that a new job can have. My wife has found someone at her job that she is attracted to, this does really hurt me and makes me angry, not only with her but with the fact that someone could have so little morals that they persue a woman firstly who was 2 months away from getting married, then continued to persue after she was married! There really are some scum bags out there!

The new friend thing is also similar, although I know that my Wifes is not telling her to end our marriage, I know she has been a very bad influence. She is 21 and single and a party girl....everything my wife appears to want to be at the moment!

Stay strong mate and as I said, please do continue to post as it really helps. I would advise that perhaps you obtain some literature to help you too. One book I would definitely recommend (through many recommendations from this forum) that has helped me to a certain extent is http://www.amazon.com/Divorce-Remedy-Proven-Program-Marriage/dp/0684873540

Take care mate.

Steve

[pmoon]

Hi everyone. Thankyou for your posts of support (Chinadoll, Steve), i appreciate your comments, although i find it difficult to be to respond in detail at the moment. I just need to let things out at the moment.

Its another day and i have woken early (again). I sleep downstairs at the moment, i have not been able to face the bed we both used to share. But then again obviously neither has she! I sit here and watch the sun rise and the sky change colour. Its peacefull for a time, then the traffic invades and the world demonstrates that it will continue to turn. Sometimes i wish it wouldnt, and would slow down and share my grief. I know this is selfish and egocentric, but i cant help it at the moment.

I have been having dreams about my W, and about my parents. The dreams usually involve loss, although the dreams about my parents are slightly happier. At least my father hugs me now, he has not done that for over 20 years. He has never been cold, just slightly removed, like a concerned councillor. My W was right about that, there has been a limit to the closeness that me & my parents have shared.

I saw my therapist again last night, i felt angry at the time, and knew the strategies that he would employ. The leading questions, the expectant pauses, the offering of alternative perspectives. I know the tricks of the trade and feel that i am two steps ahead of him. I often now this about all people, its my gift and my curse! It has its uses when people, that have problems they want help with, seek me out. It also means that i never turn off, always looking for patterns in the chaos, its hard to still my mind.Thats a huge a problem now for me in this situation, as the most likley answer for my W behaviour is that she has indeed fallen out of love.

Although its hard to make it fit with recent experience, so many pieces that really dont fit! These ideas were echoed by a couple i spoke to last night. They are the people that have seen us together the most recently, and just felt that there is something still to come to light! I wonder what this is? A plain and simple desire to live the single party girl life, enjoying the single girl feelings when out and about with her new friend, maybe some recent flriting that went too far and i have yet to find out about! Maybe just the fact that she thought that marraige and me were what she wanted and has since felt a terrible burden. If she has been living a lie it must have been awful. Never underestimate the power of denial!

She is still wearing her wedding rings (other people have also noticed this, its not just in my company) and seems to show courtesy to me when we have made contact. She hopes i "have fun" when my oldest friend comes to see me today whilst asking about what furniture she can take!!!!!! These things do not make sense to me (yet)! All i know is if it was me doing the leaving i would take my things and go, quietly, resepctfully, and with no expectation of what the other person can do to make my transition less painfull and more comfortable.

Maybe this is just an extension of the mildly selfish and 'her-centric' view of the world. The ultimate act of 'Its all about me'! It often feels to me that she has just devised another plan that will make her life 'right', without questioning the choices that have led her to this point. Of course, if she feels that this time she has nailed it there is'nt a problem for her, although i did'nt think life worked like that, somedays are good, some days are bad, sometimes it can be good for a while and bad for a while!

I know i need to make plans for myself, for the future, but i dont see one at the moment. As one of you has said about your own situation, i did not just marry her for looks or sex, or companionship, but for a shared investment in the future, in dreams and hopes. If she had lost these, it must have been uncomfortable for her, but now i am left without a way of anchoring myself! I dont think that there is anyway back now, as she has paid a deposit on a 6 month rental on the other side of town. I sometimes wish she would do this cleanly and take all of her things, take off her rings and commit to her new exploration of "finding out things about herself". Then again just the slightest possibility of seeing her, holding her, smelling her, makes me smile and then cry!

She was my love and now i am empty, thats all i know! Im sorry i have become carried away with this post, I should go and finish waking up! Thankyou again for listening.

Paul

[chinadoll]

Its peacefull for a time, then the traffic invades and the world demonstrates that it will continue to turn. Sometimes i wish it wouldnt, and would slow down and share my grief.

Have you considered escaping to somewhere peaceful for a couple of weeks by yourself? Some kind of retreat, maybe somewhere you have never been before, for you to get away from the empty house and the memories for a while, and let yourself mourn and regroup

[pmoon]

i dont know, i have already had time off of work, and dont know if i can afford it, or if i will lose my jobs (i have two, both part time). i have been worried that i will just take my problems with me. i am finding it hard to make any sort of decision at the moment. An old friend took me out for food last night, but it exhausted me. Just feel like i need my hand to be constantly held at the moment.

[Tilly]

Oh Paul, your situation has really moved me. I feel so helpless and yet feel your pain; it's tangible. What came to mind when I read through all of this tonight is that sometimes when people (in this case your wife) do something they are not 100% sure is the right thing, and which is sure to hurt someone they care about (let's face it, she can't have married you and then have absolutely no emotion for you anymore) they can become very cold and hard, almost convincing themselves they have no feelings for you, simply because it helps them become numb and eases their guilt and pain.

You sound so aware of your emotions and you obviously think a lot, (maybe 'too much' like a lot of us!)... please don't beat yourself up as this is not your doing from what you have posted.

My advice would be to give her her reins, she may well be suddenly thinking 'the grass is greener...'. Be gracious and don't show her that you are falling apart; if that made a difference to her she would be back already. Do whatever you can to build yourself up. She may well soon see what an amazing person she has left for a flight of fancy.

Tilly

[pmoon]

Tilly thank you for your post. I have not felt up to writing for the past few days and have had a rough week. The days have crept passed me and the inevitable removal and rearrangement of what is left of my life has begun. Her pursuit of what she requires has been mildly polite but lacking in sensitivity. I appreciate that breaking up/walking out on someone is never easy, but her inability to appreciate that i was not expecting this has shocked me and those around me. She does seem to have just given up overnight and 'smashed' what relationship i thought we had, and 'grabbed' whatever she needs to live alone. It has been terrifying to find how organised and efficient she has been about this.

Obviously, there are those that will think that she must have her reasons. But to go from writting me cards (4 months ago) telling me how much she loves me and feels 'so glad to have me' and 'thank you for loving me', to deciding in the space of 3 days (apparently during the first week she left to get some space) that she doesnt love me, is hard to take. Those around me (all intelligent, well rounded people, in my opinion) are only left with the conclusion that her own issues have somehow caught up with her and have created such discomfort that she has had to go. However, she still has not elaborated on her feelings (maybe she is unable to, or unwilling to yet) and all i am left with is an incredible sense of loss, confusion, and pain. When i have spoken to her she seems detached from the situation, she just seems to have drawn a line under that part of her life.

I have been breaking down when i have spoken to her or received text messages. The reality that i am never going to be close to her, spend time with her, and share our lives just seems such a contrast to where i thought we were just under two months ago. I have asked why she married me, she said that it 'felt right at the time', i asked why she said she loved and was sure that i was 'the one' back in October 06, she said she felt that there was 'love there at the time'. I asked why she wanted to start a family no less than 2 months ago, she said that would have been wrong, and had gone back on the pill 2 weeks before leaving. I was hurt that she never told me. So many conflicting events that my head is now spinning.

I know that i need to look after myself and try and find myself again, but its very hard when your life has been pulled out from under you. I have been told to avoid stress by my doctor, but that is almost impossible given the current situation. Tomorrow she will come for the rest of her things and i am expecting to find the ring left behind when i get back. She does not want me around when ever she comes to the house, which is probably no surprise with the state im in. She does not seem to be making much sense with her statements at the moment, and just seems hell bent on removing herself from the home and the relationship. When i saw her this week she looked like a rabbit in the head lights, she told me she did not want to cry, but was shaking.

I cant fathom it any more, and have no choice but to let her go, and make either the biggest positive change in her life, or the biggest mistake in her life. Im all out of options now and just need to find out what i feel. Will just have to wait and see!

Paul

[AnnieP]

Paul, I am so sorry for your pain. I know how you feel to have had the rug pulled from under your feet thinking everything was fine, only to find that apparently, nothing is fine. It makes you question everything you have ever believed in and trust none of your instincts any more. It is a vile feeling. Watching somebody who you love do this to you is so painful, yet you try to fathom out why and there simply doesn't seem to be an answer which accounts for it.

All the emotions you are going through are absolutely normal, and actually essential, so do not feel bad about having them.

My husband has now been gone a week, and I find contact with him, (MSN, emails) SO difficult to deal with, they hurt so much as they seem so clinical and cold. I think it is the only way they can cope with what they are doing to themselves.

Try to be strong. I keep telling myself things will get better. It doesn't seem like it right now, but they surely cannot get any worse....
Big hugs.

[pmoon]

Annie, i know that i am supposed to think things will get better, but i can only retain those thoughts for a fraction of the day, if at all. She may have been, and still is, dealing with her feelings in the best way she knows how, but it has not helped me. I am starting to feel that i have become a burden to those around me.This is something that my wife admitted on Monday when i saw her. I am ashamed to admit that i have 'terrified' my parents a couple of times this week with my fits of crying and shaking, and the things i have said. I have had a couple of occasions when i just dont want to exist, i just dont want to be me anymore. Having said this i just want to let you know that i am not thinking of doing anything drastic to myself. I have not fixated on what i could do to myself. Please dont be alarmed by this. I am wary of admiting this things for fear of distancing people, there is something inside of me that says i should not be like this and should deal with the situation, its just that i have run out of energy.

Some of my friends think that i am exhausted and have probably been so for a while, running on empty for a long time. My doctor and therapist say that i have been depressed for a long time, maybe two years, this was when my wife first admitted feeling differently towards me. They also say that i am now severly depressed. Its no surprise that my wife may have felt intense pressure. Although i did voice concerns to her back in April about my state of mind, but she said "why do you think you have to run off to a councillor everytime you feel a bit down" ( i have been three times in 11 years, twice whilst married, always for a relatively short time). She has since first denied saying it, then said that she didnt mean it 'like that', whatever the hell that means. I worry that i am hiding in my depression to shield myself from the truth and more pain. This sounds odd but i am unsure of my thoughts and seem able to entertain anything at the moment.

I can ask myself all the questions about her behaviour but to no avail. For every negative there is a positive. I just still dont get it, and probably never will. I know i am not supposed to do this questioning but i cannot get away from it, she is in my dreams every night, how do i stop that? It just brings it all back every morning, its been like it since she left, with no respite. Maybe i have just been incapable of showing love because i think and get too intense, not relax enough. There i go again blaming myself, i thought that we had a chance, regardless of our failings, regardless of our problems. She has said that she doesnt regret anything, that i am not to blame, and please dont hate her. It just seems very melodramtic and a bit selfish to be leaving me without any discussion, shuting the door on any other communication that goes too deep, and then making another request of me in not hating her.

I know these posts are too long but once i start i cant stop. I know people have advised me to show a positive front, but i appear to be incapable of doing this, ijust cant manage it. Therefore her last memories of our time together will be of me falling to pieces, i am unable to control it though. It just seems such a sad, sad , shame that it has ended like this. She said on Monday that she "has been idealistic and that she wont do that anymore". Does that mean the entire realtionship has just been creation of her desire to live life to an ideal that she has had, and now after 12 years she has realised that? Can people really do that, shut the door on a decade of actions as being the result of a delusion? I have never underestimated the power of denial, but this would suggest an illusion of vast proportions.

Some people have said that this sort of thing happens alot, that after being together for so long then getting married, one of the partners just wants to get out! Again where does this fit? She was the one keen to have the wedding sooner as opposed to later, it was me that was a lot more relaxed about the affair! Is this all just part of her search for the perfect life, a new plan to make it work, a way to get what she wants for herself? Again i knew that she was quite self absorbed, in fact her brother and me would poke fun about it! I just feel that the more comprimises that i made, the more she would request, and ofetn not quite realise the sacrifices that had been made in order to synchronise my life around hers! That ofetn hurt and made me feel unappreciated, as all she ever seem to do was keep doing the things that she wanted with a lot more ease than the things that would be for us! No doubt she did do things to accomodate me, but it never felt equal, is my perception skewed?

The more i look at this, the more i think that i have been overcompensating and doing the worrying for both of us. Trying to ensure that everything runs smoothly, maybe that why she feels that she "needs to find out things on her own" and all i have become is the resident councillor, not someone to have relaxed fun with? Keeping something alive for years that should have been left to pass! I did try with her but there always seemed to be so many rules and conditions (something her parents are very good at), so many ways in which to avoid dissapointing others around her. The only time she would stop doing this would be when she would go too far the other way and make a bit of a fool of herself, that was hard to watch, as i knew other people would shoot her slightly odd looks as a her behaviour became a bit OTT. Nothing lewd or indescent, just immature and a bit desperate for attention.

I thought that i would be helpfull this week and pre pack some her things! She was not happy! She said it was something that she 'needed' to do herself and became agitated and mildly agressive. I could not bear to hear anymore about what she needed to do, and became upset, seeing as i am the one with a house full of memories and she is the one who has done the leaving, She then sent me a text appologising for upsetting me but still requesting that she needed to do it herself, and was trying to avoid making a difficult situation worse, WORSE FOR WHO? She then sent me a text saying she did not want to have me or my dad in the house when she came here, because she did want to face him. I can undedrstand that, but at the same time she wanted the house for hersefl for two days, so she could house the two people who are helping her move!!!!!!

All of her requests are making me confused and angry. She even wants to borrow my tools so that she can put her new furniture together!!! Many feel that she seems to have almost a complete lack of understanding of my situation, my illness, and my feelings. I never realised how focused on her own objectives she could be, if this is her way of dealing with it, it would suggest to me that she is hiding something about her feelings or her actions! Again i may never know, all i am sure is that i am begining to feel hatred, maybe it has been repressed, but i did not want to engage in hate inspired thinking. I use to have a lot of aggression as a teenager and i know it made me take some bad decisions. Thats why i work with teenagers now, so i can try and give them options that avoid 'the dark side'.

Im sorry, i have done it again and rambled on, so much information and so much feeling. I must go. Need to be out again today, so she can come round. Suspect i will probably receive the ring back today, maybe not, who knows, what does it mean if anything!

[huskypup]

pmoon

I really feel for you, it is now a little under 3 weeks since the same happened to me, I found this forum and it has been a great help, just knowing that i am not alone, despite what I thought. My HB and took most of his things whilst I was at work, and watching him take the rest on Thursday, I can understand why he wanted to do it on his own, as it broke my heart - which I did think couldn't be broke anymore - watching him load his car and drive away.

I like you have been left with a house full of now worthless memories. Im thinking of you and sending you happy thoughts (if there are any at the minute) as I, as many on here DO understand what you are feeling - whereas alot of our friends and familes say they do but they don't.

Be brave and hold your head high, you have not done anything.

My HB said something on Thursday as he left and it may seem very strange "one day you will wake up and realise you don't love me anymore and you will see me for what I really am" Im now praying for that day.

Take care. Healing thoughts are on there way.

[pmoon]

huskypup, thank you. All of her stuff is gone, including things that i are asked her specificly not to take. She just cant stop doing what she wants! I tried to be civil about this and give her the chance to do be on her own because she said she "needed to do it that way, please,please, let me have that chance!". Yet again i have been taken advantage of. I feel used and violated as we had had sex and cuddled only a week before she left. I can still see her on the couch asking for me to keep her warm and hold her feet. i just cant believe the person she has become. It would appear, according to her, that she had no intention of doing this in the first place, then spends a week with a friend who had done the same thing 8 months previously, and now has removed herself from the situation completely within just three weeks! The change is unbelievable. Whatever i have agreed or not agreed to she just does what she wants and then justifies it afterwards regardless. I did not even agree to a seperation, she just wrote thats what she thinks we should do and left. She left me!

I cried myself to sleep again last night, begging an imagined image of her in front of me to 'please, please, dont leave me, over and over again. I dont feel pathetic, just sad for what could have been and the 12 years it has taken to amount to nothing apart form whats mine and whats hers. She says that with her stuff gone it might be easier for me, and that it has been difficult for her. She writes that she feels truly terrible that i am unwell. She writes that i might now start to come terms with this and start to feel happy, she is sorry that she is not the one who can do this anymore. I now have my wifes address, live on my own, am 35 and am unable to work. I cant face the thought of working. I want her to suffer, i feel terible for feeling that, but to get married and then within months start to have doubts and distance herself shows such a selfish trait. The little girl had a her party and now she is bored and feels that life could be better for her.

Im sure that she does not even see this side of it. She thinks that she tried, and tried to make it work, but has realised that it couldnt, and now needs to find things out about herself. Her friend slept with someone for the first time recently, i thought she was doing it to bury the past and convince herself that her actions in leaving had been ok. I fear my wife will do the same, to burn any last chance, to prove she is seperate. I feel dirty for having given myself to someone who has been capable of this and maybe alot worse. i did not realise that i had become that bad, such a burden, such a drain on her rescources, a person that she could no longer love.

I must go and face another day, i wonder if her parents will ever contact me, i am sure that they do not condone her actions and feel deeply ashamed of what she has done, then again maybe not, what does it matter.

[huskypup]

I know this will probably sound like a broken record, but you need to keep yourself active, it will give you just a few moments of think about something else time. It is hard but you do need to face people, I took some solice in telling people what HB had done, not because I wanted to be seen as a victim, but to show people that I am stronger than he is, he has run away, but I am here and I will live to tell another tale.

Regarding your wives parents - I can't answer that one, none of HB's family have contacted me - and for that I am upset about, we will see next Sat if I get any birthday cards from them.
Families are very loyal, they probably disaprove, but she is there daughter, and there loyalty will always be to her.

[pmoon]

I have been seeing a few people and doing a few things, played a few games of cricket, gone out and tried to replace a few of the essentials, but it is hard. My emotional swings are very severe at the moment. They have leveled out a bit still cant loose the nightmares. I have started to see how much of a strain my behaviours and thoughts would have been, i just wish she would have actually sat down and asked me. On reflection she always seemed scared of pulling at that thread. I never had any problems with it my self and have always been eager to explore my own and everyones thoughts and ideas on a range of topics. I just feel that she has run away from a question, without confronting what could be the answer, she just decided to run to a supossedly easier life. I still feel that there was increasingly less time in her life for me and her job, she had chosen her job!

Im going to Brighton today to see and old friend, haircut first to bolster self esteeem, then a slow drive down there. It will wiered as i spent alot of time there with her, but then again i never think she was as into it as me. I will continue writting my retrospective diary of what has happend in our relationship and see what comes of it!

[deadletteroffice]

Seriously, do as Steve said - look at www.divorcebusting.com and read the books - Divorce Remedy etc - they help and if there is a chance to get your wife back, this is the best way to approach it. Your situation is sooooo similar to mine it's ridiculous, but wife and I are now talking and there is hope. You need to learn to accept and respect her desicion for what it is, decide how you fell in the light of that, then act accordingly. It helps you get yourself straight and it helps you see the best way forward.

[pmoon]

Hi deadletteroffice, i have looked at the site and others that are similar. I appreciate some of the logic that is there. I realise that my depression and anxiety (that has only just been diagnosed) will have a played a part in turning me into someone who is whinging and needy. No one wants to be around this kind of pressure, although i just did not realise what i had become, thats the sneaky trick that depression pulls on you. I never got over her initial feelings of discontnet and became more insecure. I am remembering that at the same time it takes two, and still beleive that there are issuse that she needs to address about herself. However trying to make myself a more agreable and less pressuring person whilst suffering from an illness like depression is tough. I have to find how i feel about this, free of stress, which is hard when everyday there is another incident that shows how commited she is to being seperate. Many have said that this is just another example of her single mindedness, but if it is i dont see how i can get back in the game at the moment. I will be truthful, our relationship seemed to sap the energy from both of us, lots of talking but no real communication, lots of expectation, but lots of pressure (on both sides, work, depression, etc), very few easy and good times. It has been like that for a while, and when we did have them it took so much work, but i just thought thats what life was about. Paul

[star777]

hi paul, i hope u r startin 2 feel a bit better. When all is said and done a marriage is give and take and from what u write a lot of it was take take take on her behalf. It seems 2 me she just simply did not have the guts to tell u the truth, it was much easier 2 drag it out. It dont seem like it now but u will meet someone who truly care's dont waste ur tears on someone that's not prepared to waste their's on you. I know it's easy 2 say but try and focus on the future look forward to meeting someone new don't let her waste ne more of ur time.

[deadletteroffice]

Your situation sounds very like mine - depression, anxiety etc. I think you find that the dynamic between you was energy sapping. I've found a lot of guidance which explains this and how to stop it in a book called 'We Can Work It Out' - you'll find it on Amazon easily enough. Well worth a look as you'll gain a lot of insight which will help you whatever happens.

[pmoon]

Hi star777 & DLO, thanks for the post. I appreciate what you are saying and it would make life easier if i could assume that perspective. Unfortunately there are always two sides to a story, and what i have written may be exactly what i feel has happened, but it may not be exactly what she feels has happened! Yes, it would appear that many people have the view of her that she can be blinkered and self absorbed, in a manic way, but at the same time, my parents and best friend both thought that i was aware of my depression (i wasnt), and appreciate what a strain it can be to be exposed me when i am like that for prolonged periods. All people that are familiar with us as a couple have expressed their utter amazment at what she has done, and what on earth motivated her to do it!

This is the whole problem for me, the not knowing, whilst at the same time trying to get myself straight enough to find out who i am and what i want. Come what may i cant just switch off the feelings of love & compassion i have had her, i wish i could, i now truly understand why people turn to drink or drugs, or worse, to blot out the pain, it sees like a an attractive option when the hurt is so much! There must be something stopping me from becoming self destructive, i suppose there must be some strength there, its getting in touch with that, is the thing i need to do and not turn my back on precious, valuable, fond memories and experiences. If i did i think i would be throwing out the baby with the bath water!!!

I will check out the book and see what it has to say, i am often wary of self help books but will give it a go. I have to make an admission though! I have just recently got my degree in clinical psychology, so you would have thought that i would have been able to diagnose myself and get to the bottom of this!! Hopefully this will not put people off of posting responses. The reason i say that is that people are often wary of talking to people with my background, and i often seen people clam up when i tell them. Remember i am just like alot of people, and cant see the wood for the trees!

Paul

[star777]

honestly u don't want 2 be so hard on ur self. Ur wife must have been very special 2 u and ur right she probs had her reasons but nothing can excuse her not being honest with you. It's funny but when a mere mortal has their heart ripped in 2 by the person they love, they only tend 2 think of the "good times." Not the months of heart ache they endured b4 hand.
It may sound daft but i went through the same with my partner 12 months ago. Someone sugested i get a puppy it sounds silly but that animal depends on you for everything. house training him walking him and lovin him gave me something 2 base my attention on, no matter how i was feeling he still needed walking ect. it kept my mind busy and at loney times he was always pleased 2 see me. Mayb if u dont have a pet it would b worth thinking about getting one, although it will never replace your wife it's company 4 u!
Any way keep ur chin up there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[pmoon]

Yes i do need to take it easy on myself, but again thats part of the thinking style, its a hard habit to break. Cant get a dog, although i would love one, live in a flat, so would not be fair on the animal.

Went out last night to a flat warmiing party. Felt anxious at first becasue it meant going into town, was scared i might see her, not really up to that yet, too much resentment and nerves on my part for it to be constructive. Being at the party was strange but, and i feel uncomfortable saying it, fun! People spoke to me, we chated, made a few jokes, had a few drinks. I even think someone chated me up! Just to be in an environment where i wasnt worried about what i might be doing wrong was very different.

Its a double edged sword though, because i suspect this is how my W had been feeling, life was easier without me, more relaxed, less work needed. Although i became jealous and needy in the last 8 months, i would never stop her from doing anything and always be the one to tell her not to worry when we were out together, just go with the flow!

Wish i could do that sort of thing more often, but when/if i go back to work i wont get the chance anymore, and yet again will be out of the loop. Thats something that has made it hard for me, as i have fallen out of practice with having fun and making friends. Ironically i do the work, to pay the bills, to have the house, which is in the town that she wanted to be in. Its all interrelated! And when she then wanted me to be around more, it would mean that i would have to loose the work that pays the bills etc. This is one of the things that would make me anxious and then resentfull. Everything had just become pressure, with no communication. What a waste!!! We have been living under this pressure for so long and then we have both just blown!!

[star777]

Don't feel bad for havin fun that's excactly what u need well done u! it is hard but that's a few hurdels down so 2 speak.
Your wife may probally have been feeling like that but if a relationship seems that much effort then really it's not working. I know myself when i go out sometimes i think god it was so much easier b4 i got married do what i want when i want, but again i think i wouldn't change the fact i'm married now 4 any of it.
As for working and a social life i know where ur coming from it is very hard 2 juggle the 2, but i find once a month saying come hell or high water i will go out. It's not often but somthing 2 look forward 2. Maybe a holiday would be good for u go wiv the lad's or something it's something els 2 look forward 2.


just one last thing again stop bein so hard on yourself if someone is that unhappy it don't matter what u do.
u had good reason 2 need her support but when push came 2 shove she could not be bothered. you seem to me like a carin person she could have sat down with and been totally honest with u. The way she treated you was wrong even though she had her reasons.

[pmoon]

"I know myself when i go out sometimes i think god it was so much easier b4 i got married do what i want when i want, but again i think i wouldn't change the fact i'm married now 4 any of it."

You see thats what i thought, i just thought that marraige is about comprimise, as is life! I thought that what i was doing was the right way to deal with it! I suppose this is where the problems started for me, i did not feel that there was enough comprimise on her end! This is something that has been echoed by many of those that have been closest to the situation. She had become unable to see the level of comprimise that i was making.

With regards to the relationship being too much effort therefore its not working, maybe your right, but why on earth force the marraige if she had concerns? Why on earth say you love someone and want to be with them for the rst of your life only 8 months ago?I agree, if someone is that unhappy, confused, depressed, whatever it is, it is not my job to fix them unless they ask for the help! But she did ask for the help, constantly! I also agree that when i needed support i started to feel that i had become a burden instead of a partner that needed honesty and help. There did not seem to be anough energy in the tank to deal with the realtionship and her job! I never believed that someone could live with so much denial, if indeed she has not loved me for a long time!

Her deciept, whether by design or default, has hurt alot of people and caused alot of pain. And the way she has dealt with her own feelings, by just cutting and running, shows a level of irrationallity, and or immaturity. Again i know there are no easy ways to leave someone, but to not talk about it and just write a letter, seems to be a cowards way out! I understand she may well have been suffering from her thoughts and fears, and for that i still feel her pain, it is not easy to realise a loss of love and express that to the person. However the way the shutters have come down on our marraige still leaves me spinning!

[pmoon]

Does anyone else suffer from nightmares? I keep having them, last night being the worst, they really affect me, so vivid, so nasty. They just knock me back down. I am trying to do things for myself, follow the advice given, but i cant control what happens when i am asleep. I will not go into the details but they seem to be the worse things that my mind can imagine. They are keeping her alive in my head! I have never felt as exhausted after a nights sleep. Any ideas?

[jools]

Hi Pmoon
I know the nightmares are awful and can colour your whole day. I used to have them too. The emotions that you feel during these dreams seem so real - far more real than if you just think about something while awake. Don't despair. These dreams are a necessary part of your brain trying to sift through this situation, make sense of things and deal with issues. It is a painful process but as you adjust to the situation the dreams will lessen in frequency and nastiness. I still get the odd one that starts my day off wrong - but no where near as bad or often as I used to. Just an extra idea - melatonin supplements are supposed to give you good dreams. Melatonin is the sleep hormone, naturally produced by the body. The supplements are harmless. They help you to get to sleep (i used to get them for my H) and supposedly give you pleasant dreams. Might be worth a try. If you're in America you can buy them over the counter. In UK you can buy them online. Hope this helps.
Jools X
________
Dodge Warlock Specifications (http://www.dodge-wiki.com/wiki/Dodge_Warlock)

[pmoon]

Thanks Jools, have looked into it, someone is popping out for me now to look into whats available over the counter, i have found the melatonin on line, will see what works! I hope the dreams do drop in frequency and intensity as at the moment they are getting worse again!:(

[aqua]

pmoon

I also have bad dreams. Makes me feel strange for quite a while aftewards. Don't know why I have them - maybe it's because I'm finding it difficult to come to terms with the end of my marriage. Who knows?

Luckily, I can manage to get on with life and haven't felt the need to take supplements. It would be interesting to hear if melatonin works for you, it may make you life more manageable.

Take care
aqua

[pmoon]

Hi Aqua, i will let you know, although i feel that i am becoming desperate. Today is not a good day, and have hit a real low. Feel like a fraud, dont think it was the marriage that was the problem but my state of mind.

[pmoon]

I need some advice. I started to feel stonger last week, but have now started to feeel that i am falling down again. Although i have not had as severe episodes as i had two weeks ago, i am feeling unable to do much for myself, and have started blaming myself for things. I know that there will be up and down days, but my moods can be quite extreme and intense. It makes me realise how negative i have been about things, and for that i feel guilty. Not only am i having to come to terms with my wife leaving, but i also am having to come to terms with the fact that i am and have been clinicaly depressed. This is alot to take in one go! I am accepting as much help as people are willing to give me, but find that hard as i feel helpless at times. I have ordered a book to read (thanks for that), and have tried to do very small jobs around the house or what my wife has requested/forced me to do (disssolving bank accounts, sending her bank details so she can pay her side of the mortgage), but find it very hard to keep moving forward. I have tried to find a bit if hate towards her, to remember the little and big things that made it hard for me to express myself, and what was wrong with the relationship. The trick is not bringing it back to being my fault all the time, and also not being too hateful. This is one bit of coping that i am finding very hard at the moment. Any stories, advice, words of wisdom?

[huskypup]

Can't offer any words of advice, except we are here for you, I also have good days and bad days, I have tried my hardest to hate my HB and I can't, I expect some resentment will come naturally in time.

I don't like to pry but do you work, as I have found that going back to work made me feel alot better, just occupying the mind with mindless rubbish :).

We haven't gone as far as dissolving bank accounts yet (or I hope we haven't), but I suppose that will come. As you know my HB has sort of done a runner and disapeered to the Falklands for 4 months, I have had no contact with him for nearly 2 weeks, his children haven't heard from him either, but I am now determinded not too feel guilty for something I haven't done.

Keep smiling, we are here for you.

Nancy

[pmoon]

Hi Nancy, thanks for the post. Yes i do usually work, but because of the nature of the two part-time jobs that i have the doctor has actually told me not to work for a month! He has said that it is the last thing that i need right now! To be honest, i agree, i had started becoming avoidant and anxious about work before this happened, and had started feeling that i was unable to cope. I have been trying to do other things, but its still very hit and miss.

I have my moments when i want to hate her and shout all the things going round my head at her, regardless of if she loved me or not, or when she loved me, or how deeply she felt. I am annoyed at her more for not giving me a chance to respond to her, to steal my chance of a say away from me. Its easier for her just to up and leave and then make requests from a safe distance or by text.

Im sorry, i think my comments are pointless, she left for a reason, and that is all there is to it. Cant change it, cant control it, cant work it out! Just wish she would have had the decency to make her mind up before she married me, is all!

[pmoon]

Hi, Just to keep people in the loop, and of course to verbalise what i think, have woken up feeling better again today. Dont know how long it will last, just seem to feel less guilty about things. Had a dream that wasnt as nasty and allowed me to see a side of her that i had been trying to forget. I suppose it demonstrates to me that she is human, with positives and negatives, as am i. Although i did have more disturbed sleep, i dont feel that i have slept as heavy, strange! Have taken some 'Sleep Well - with valerian & hops'. They are a traditional herbal remedy fromm Boots (Aqua thought you might like to know). Have not gone for the mealatonin yet, as it was a bit pricey, but will bear it in mind. Not sure if its the suppliments, anti depressants, or just the natural course of things to be honest. Never realised how easy it is to be completly dominated by emotions. In fact i am completely astounded by the change in mood, will just have to make the most of it. Have remembered that she had become a bit possesive about money and had never been very good at sharing things and time. I suppose if you dont commit to sharing it either shows you were not ready to, or that ultimately you will not feel love if it always has to be about you. Again its slightly black or white thinking, but it least i am being mildly objective and not taking the entire responsibility. Still feel that i need a long, long holiday from everything though, maybe thats what i do actually need?

[pmoon]

Hi, am in need of advice again! I am still finding it hard to accept what has happened. I have not been able to keep on an even keel this week. Cant stop thinking about the apparent snap decision that my W made. I cant move forward, even after she took all of her things two weeks ago. There has been no contact since, i have no plans to attempt contact, for two reasons: Firstly i am a mess, secondly i dont think it will help matters. I realise how low i have been for some time, i realise that she did not like talking things through.

I have read some of the book "we can work it out" and can see that we had become a couple who could not manage conflict constructivley. I would pursue her, and she would withdraw from me, things never got sorted, just buried. Good things did happen, but we would both seem to undermine the positive effects of the smaller things by sticking to this useless behaviour. However, i think when the roles recently reversed and i tried not to pursue her, but would withdraw instead, it got worse. I realise that my depression and anxiety would not have helped matters.

I just cannot get my head around how decisive she became in leaving. No discussion, no reasoning, just a relative flip within two months from being loving and compassionate, to walking out the door (she said she cared for me but did not love me and had fallen out of love with me). I know i need to work on myself but am finding this near impossible. I still want to have a future with her, she has her problems, but so do i, i could always see a future, but couldnt see or stop the destructive behaviour of how we would/wouldnt deal with things.

The only way i would want to communicate with her would be to send her a copy of the book (we can work it out). I recently read the books she always wanted me to read (Dan Brown stuff mostly). She had been on at me for over a year to read them but i had always said i did not want to. I just feel like saying, ive read yours, can you read this one for me. Although when i asked if she would read one of mine previously she always declined, thats why i got frustrated. Sounds like a silly thing, but i thought it would be nice if she gave my books a go.

I wonder if i should just get the wheels in motion for a divorce and move on, draw a line under it, put any chance of being with her beyond reach, so i stop thinking about any possibility of a future with her. Its not what i want, but my state of mind does not seem to be improving, dont know if i am expecting to much from myself at the moment.

I would be especially interested to hear from women reading this to get your perspective, as i am completley stumped by the apparent about face, how my behaviour could have affected our relationship, and if i should finalise the situation by getting a divorce?

Paul

[johnj]

Hey Paul
You are making such good progress. I lost alot of friends where you are now because they told me to just "get some, move on" I had to understand that they cared for me and am now just starting reconnecting with them. You are in a bad spot in your self. However you will see that you have learned more than ever, about who you are and what you need. You might not be able to get it as quick as you want but you can work for it.

The NC thing is a game that I do not want in my relationship with anyone(however it has been effective). I need an open an honest relationship so I have to be who I am. I have reached a point that I want nothing more than to be with W, however I she dosen't want to be with me,,, just don't care.

It is about you!

[pmoon]

Hi John, thanks for the post, it all makes sense to me, the support is appreciated.:)

Yep, learning about me is the thing i need to do! I always new that i put her first, but am now realising how that has affected nearly every aspect of my life and become a constraint not just what on what i do but how i express myself. However i do remember that it was choice to let this happen, i have to learn to avoid that with who ever i end up with! Even if it was her again!!

The no contact thing just seems to have evolved from her desire to avoid being uncomfortable and me not being able to deal with seeing her! I do think its for the best, and is what i should do anyway!

Interesting development though! The last two nights she has driven past the house. Its just been coincidence that i am leaning out the window at the time. God knows why she has done that as there is no reason what so ever for her to be driving up that road! Believe me, i know the area, there are ways to get to where ever she was going without doing that!!!:confused:

It seems odd, maybe she is just making sure, from a distance, that i am still alive!
I have not felt the need to go anywhere near her place, and similarly would have no need to drive down that road without that particular reason!

I wish she would stop doing it, it does upset me a bit, although not as much as i thought!:confused:

[johnj]

Hey Paul,

My whole situation has forced me down a path that I never wanted to go. I finally felt that I had gone full circle with it and am now realizing that I am all over the place as much as ever. I don't think I have dealt with the core issues yet. If I had I could move on strong and confident.

It is tough her diving by, however on the flip she is thinking of you. When my wife told me she didn't love me anymore I was destroyed. Then I realized that even though she said that it wasn't true. She could not just loose her feelings like that the time investment is to strong, no matter how much she wanted to avoid us.

I hear what you are saying about the NC thing had the same situation. However as time passed I became more confident and clear to her about me. Even to to point that I had to ask for space for me. Of course she didn't like that and has made her really think. Now she is asking to spend time together.

[pmoon]

Cheers john,

Its all a bit a strange at the moment, trying to sort my own feelings as well as try to reconcile that with what has happened!!!:confused:

I really appreciate your post's, it helps me to communicate with people that are going through, possibly, similar experiences. I never thought i would be here at this point in my life, but also understand the need to work on my own core issues before being able to move forward with any kind of relationship, with anyone!

Thanks once again, i really appreciate you taking the time to respond!
I hope that things are ok with you!

Paul

[johnj]

Hey Paul,

It is very similar the back and forth I do with myself ,I hope understandible. My S said to me the other day, just don't understant why it has to be this way. I said even though this has been the hardest and most trying time in my life I have learnded and grown the most. S agreed. If I had to change this I would but I can not. I am really trying to figure out what I need and still do not know yet, think I am close.

Just can't understand why she is still the same way.

[pmoon]

Hi John,

Thats the million dollar question isnt it!

I still have no real insight into my W behaviour, all i have left is letters that swing from emotion (about her) to detachment. There was no discussion, no room for reasoning, just her decision and that was that. Apart from my own observations of her, it has always been hard to really find out what motivates her sometimes, she does not like getting to deep, and will avoid confrontation and even her own pain at all costs. She just wants things to be easy!

I have had no contact from any of her family, she has not contacted mine, even though it was my parents birthdays. These are two people that had done alot for my W, and i just thought that she would offer some kind of parting gesture of kindness to them, but no, not a sausage! She just seems to want to completely detach herself.
Again all i have is an observation and my own interpretation, and no real facts that explain what has happened.

Its hard to know what to fix about yourself if you dont know what was wrong! Even if you are fixing yuorself for your own benifit, it still hard, because it seems that alll the previous frames of referenece were seemingly wrong! Does this ring any bells???

Regards your W, again i wouldnt know! Like yourself, i am starting to feel that i am unsure what i would actually want from a realtionship. All i know is that i changed myself alot over the last 8yrs, and invevitably turned some bits of myself off! This is probably why i have become unhappy and insecure in the relationship, depressed and isolated! Again what about you???

I am taking it that you would still want to be with your wife, is that the case?

Paul