chinadoll
2nd August 2007, 08:27 AM
My husband and I have been married for just over a year and a half. We have two growing problems and I have no idea how to try to fix them.
The first problem actually started very shortly after we started dating. He stopped wanting to have sex with any kind of frequency. Before he started distancing himself we had enjoyed a very open, fun, and frequent sexlife (at least two or three times a week. Today, we have averaged once a month for almost two years. I have always had a very strong sex drive and it is a very important means of emotional expression and reassurance for me. I think it started around June of 2005 where suddenly he stopped responding to me sexually. When we started dating he had just recently ended a three year relationship, which was a big concern for me at the time. We also came from very different backgrounds- I grew up mormon, converted to Christianity, and then chose not to practice any religion about two years before I met him. He had always been Christian and still attended church. After a couple of months, I think this started to really bother him and he started distancing himself from me emotionally and physically. I tried to explain to him one night about my needs for physical intimacy. He told me at the time he was worried our relationship was becoming too much about sex and was trying to work on our friendship. He told me how his last girlfriend had treated him like a human dildo and only stayed with him for guilt-free sex (she was also Christian). It certainly did not feel like he was trying to work on our friendship. He had become cold and distracted almost overnight.
I left town for a week the next day. While I was gone he cheated on me with a mutual acquaintance. I know that he had been planning on ending things with me completely after that night, and had been contemplating it for atleast a week. The girl he slept with was also Christian. She was at a party with mutual friends, he was drunk, they had an intimate conversation, and the rest is history. He told me over the phone a couple days later that he had kissed her. I did not get the full truth until after I returned and we had already slept together again. He had been faithful to his previous girlfriend all the time they were together, and this was definitely a very out of character thing for him. He was very remorseful, and I couldn't bring myself not to forgive him. Since I had already forgiven him for the kiss, and slept with him, I almost felt like I had no choice (I guess that is the human desire to be consistent). Later he discovered that the girl he had slept with was pregnant. He felt it was his responsibility to try to make a relationship with her for the baby. He was torn apart when this happen. He said he wished it was me instead. Our separation was tearful and terrible. We both struggled for weeks. It soon became very apparent to him that a relationship would never work with the other girl. She resented him for leaving her after their first encounter, he never had any real feelings for her, neither of them wanted to be together. He was prepared to sign over all legal rights (at her request) and live as if it had never happened. I was prepared to support him in whatever decision he finally made as best I could. She ended up miscarrying and moving far away. We were very happy to be back together for a long time, but he was still weird about sex. I didn't push him, I knew he was worried about causing another unplanned pregnancy.
Our sex life has never since been anything close to what I can feel satisfied with. We usually only have sex if he innitiates it. It can be very difficult to know if he is really innitating it or not, or if he is just being playful. He usually ignores any attempts on my part to innitiate sex. He either tenses up like I dumped cold water on him, or makes a comment about being tired, or takes some tums to indicate he has heartburn (he has an advanced case of acid reflux, but sometimes I suspect he is faking it). On rare occasions I have gone to greater lengths to try to inspire a romantic evening- cooking a nice dinner, sometimes with candlelight, giving him full body massages, putting on lingerie. A couple times this has worked. Other times he uses one of the aforementioned methods and nothing has happened. These times are both heartbreaking and humiliating. I feel completely unwanted, desparate, unloved, undesirable, rejected- you name it. Once or twice he has noticed this and tried feebly to comfort me by telling me he does love me. I know he feels bad, but it is almost as if he just can't bring himself to do anything about it.
We have tried to talk about this maybe five or six times ever. Every time he gets defensive, he gives me different, often contradictory excuses ("I'm just not a sexual person", "I just don't feel like it", "I'm stressed out at work and always tired"). This is where our second problem comes in, and unfortunately they go very much hand in hand. We suck at communicating. We don't understand eachother's feelings, we frequently misunderstand eachother, we both feel the other is trying to place blame, we are both defensive. On a positive side, neither of us are ever violent and we do not yell or try to intentionally hurt or put eachother down. I will usually try to start the conversation rationally and calmly. He will first become defensive and angry, he resents that "it is always about sex", he offers some excuse like the one above. I am a very analytical person. "I am just not a sexual person" does not work for me, especially when I have seen very clear evidence that he can be a very sexual person and he can enjoy it. I tell him that I am not trying to attack him, I am not trying to make him feel guilty, I want to know why he is feeling these things so we can figure out a way to fix things. He does not believe we have a problem. I try to tell him that if I am feeling we have a problem, isn't that a problem in and of itself? I cry because he is angry and I hate it when he is upset with me. He tells me that he feels like he is always the bad guy. I have so many things I need to say-- I need to tell him how much his behavior hurts me, how worthless I feel, how I feel like our marriage isn't a real marriage at all, how I don't believe he really loves me, how much I want him to love me, how much I want to have a real marriage, how I don't know what to do to make him happy but I wish I did. I can never say any of these things. It is so hard. I cry and say nothing, and spend long minutes trying to straighten my thoughts so I can explain things without doing more damage. I try to reestablish physical contact. He usually accepts. He says nothing more. I am still trying to form the words. He does not want anything more to be said. His breathing becomes heavy. I do not know if he is really asleep or if he is faking it to end the conversation.
I spend the next several hours laying there in the dark, crying silently, wishing I was not such a coward, hating myself, feeling hopeless and helpless. Feeling there must be something wrong with me for this to keep happening. Blaming myself for everything-- it's because I've put on weight, it's because I don't inspire him to want me, it's because I am too afraid to try, it's because I am not good enough at sex anymore, it's because he doesn't love me anymore- and who can blame him? etc etc The next day, we do not bring it up again. We were even further away from a solution than we were before. I should have kept my mouth shut, I am never going to be able to change anything.
..I don't even know where to start? Any suggestions?
The first problem actually started very shortly after we started dating. He stopped wanting to have sex with any kind of frequency. Before he started distancing himself we had enjoyed a very open, fun, and frequent sexlife (at least two or three times a week. Today, we have averaged once a month for almost two years. I have always had a very strong sex drive and it is a very important means of emotional expression and reassurance for me. I think it started around June of 2005 where suddenly he stopped responding to me sexually. When we started dating he had just recently ended a three year relationship, which was a big concern for me at the time. We also came from very different backgrounds- I grew up mormon, converted to Christianity, and then chose not to practice any religion about two years before I met him. He had always been Christian and still attended church. After a couple of months, I think this started to really bother him and he started distancing himself from me emotionally and physically. I tried to explain to him one night about my needs for physical intimacy. He told me at the time he was worried our relationship was becoming too much about sex and was trying to work on our friendship. He told me how his last girlfriend had treated him like a human dildo and only stayed with him for guilt-free sex (she was also Christian). It certainly did not feel like he was trying to work on our friendship. He had become cold and distracted almost overnight.
I left town for a week the next day. While I was gone he cheated on me with a mutual acquaintance. I know that he had been planning on ending things with me completely after that night, and had been contemplating it for atleast a week. The girl he slept with was also Christian. She was at a party with mutual friends, he was drunk, they had an intimate conversation, and the rest is history. He told me over the phone a couple days later that he had kissed her. I did not get the full truth until after I returned and we had already slept together again. He had been faithful to his previous girlfriend all the time they were together, and this was definitely a very out of character thing for him. He was very remorseful, and I couldn't bring myself not to forgive him. Since I had already forgiven him for the kiss, and slept with him, I almost felt like I had no choice (I guess that is the human desire to be consistent). Later he discovered that the girl he had slept with was pregnant. He felt it was his responsibility to try to make a relationship with her for the baby. He was torn apart when this happen. He said he wished it was me instead. Our separation was tearful and terrible. We both struggled for weeks. It soon became very apparent to him that a relationship would never work with the other girl. She resented him for leaving her after their first encounter, he never had any real feelings for her, neither of them wanted to be together. He was prepared to sign over all legal rights (at her request) and live as if it had never happened. I was prepared to support him in whatever decision he finally made as best I could. She ended up miscarrying and moving far away. We were very happy to be back together for a long time, but he was still weird about sex. I didn't push him, I knew he was worried about causing another unplanned pregnancy.
Our sex life has never since been anything close to what I can feel satisfied with. We usually only have sex if he innitiates it. It can be very difficult to know if he is really innitating it or not, or if he is just being playful. He usually ignores any attempts on my part to innitiate sex. He either tenses up like I dumped cold water on him, or makes a comment about being tired, or takes some tums to indicate he has heartburn (he has an advanced case of acid reflux, but sometimes I suspect he is faking it). On rare occasions I have gone to greater lengths to try to inspire a romantic evening- cooking a nice dinner, sometimes with candlelight, giving him full body massages, putting on lingerie. A couple times this has worked. Other times he uses one of the aforementioned methods and nothing has happened. These times are both heartbreaking and humiliating. I feel completely unwanted, desparate, unloved, undesirable, rejected- you name it. Once or twice he has noticed this and tried feebly to comfort me by telling me he does love me. I know he feels bad, but it is almost as if he just can't bring himself to do anything about it.
We have tried to talk about this maybe five or six times ever. Every time he gets defensive, he gives me different, often contradictory excuses ("I'm just not a sexual person", "I just don't feel like it", "I'm stressed out at work and always tired"). This is where our second problem comes in, and unfortunately they go very much hand in hand. We suck at communicating. We don't understand eachother's feelings, we frequently misunderstand eachother, we both feel the other is trying to place blame, we are both defensive. On a positive side, neither of us are ever violent and we do not yell or try to intentionally hurt or put eachother down. I will usually try to start the conversation rationally and calmly. He will first become defensive and angry, he resents that "it is always about sex", he offers some excuse like the one above. I am a very analytical person. "I am just not a sexual person" does not work for me, especially when I have seen very clear evidence that he can be a very sexual person and he can enjoy it. I tell him that I am not trying to attack him, I am not trying to make him feel guilty, I want to know why he is feeling these things so we can figure out a way to fix things. He does not believe we have a problem. I try to tell him that if I am feeling we have a problem, isn't that a problem in and of itself? I cry because he is angry and I hate it when he is upset with me. He tells me that he feels like he is always the bad guy. I have so many things I need to say-- I need to tell him how much his behavior hurts me, how worthless I feel, how I feel like our marriage isn't a real marriage at all, how I don't believe he really loves me, how much I want him to love me, how much I want to have a real marriage, how I don't know what to do to make him happy but I wish I did. I can never say any of these things. It is so hard. I cry and say nothing, and spend long minutes trying to straighten my thoughts so I can explain things without doing more damage. I try to reestablish physical contact. He usually accepts. He says nothing more. I am still trying to form the words. He does not want anything more to be said. His breathing becomes heavy. I do not know if he is really asleep or if he is faking it to end the conversation.
I spend the next several hours laying there in the dark, crying silently, wishing I was not such a coward, hating myself, feeling hopeless and helpless. Feeling there must be something wrong with me for this to keep happening. Blaming myself for everything-- it's because I've put on weight, it's because I don't inspire him to want me, it's because I am too afraid to try, it's because I am not good enough at sex anymore, it's because he doesn't love me anymore- and who can blame him? etc etc The next day, we do not bring it up again. We were even further away from a solution than we were before. I should have kept my mouth shut, I am never going to be able to change anything.
..I don't even know where to start? Any suggestions?