All in my head?

[kaye09]

Ok, this is probably going to sound petty, but it illustrates some of the communication difficulties Im having with my husband / my husband is having with me!

I posted before about the lack of affection, among other things, in our relationship. Husb. believes that the only problem we have is in my head. Apparently I am "really starting to annoy him now" and am just bringing it up to make him feel bad. I really have not brought it up very much. We have had three conversations (if you can call them that) about it in as many weeks.

He has a point in that, if I just emerse myself in our routine we have no arguments and get on fine. I am miserable and feel unloved - so maybe it is just my problem. My insecurities.

The thing is, I just do not know how to talk to him any more. I have bought a book by recommendation of someone on here.(thanks by the way,Im hoping its going to help) Haven't got very far through it yet but have started to conciously try and impliment positive language. 80% of the time though I am completely baffled as to how to put things positively.

If I give you and example perhaps some clever person on here will have an idea, 'cause theres one in particular from yesterday thats got me stumped.

I was busy having a good spring/ish clean and husb. offered to go to the shop later. I told him I really appreciated that as I had lots to do. Five minutes later he sat down watching telly and I thought it would be nice to sit with him for a bit...makes a change from him being on the computer.

He asked me if I wanted to change the channel as he wasn't really interested in what was on. I said no, but he said it another two times, so I suggested something else and he agreed. I turned it over....apparently that was a mistake.

2 hours later I had run out of bin liners so reminded him, " Are you still going to the shop?" Its his answer that confused me, "I was going to the shop. Then I saw something I wanted to watch on tv. Then THAT GOT TURNED OVER. So now Im not going to the shop."

What? Aside from the fact he damn well told me to, how does that prevent someone from going to the shop?

I left the room, came back in and said, 'I thought you were happy for me to change the channel otherwise I wouldn't have done it. I need to go to the shop, is there anything you want?'
He just repeated the line about the tv, very calmly, and then started reading something.

When I got back in everything was completely normal.
Nothing resolved, me confused, and angry that Id ended up doing everything...again, but too bemused to know how to approach it again.

What is the positive and grown up language for "stop behaving like a teenager and start acting like a partner?" OK, Im being facaecious (and have probably spelt it wrong) but thats why Im here. Im trying to get a handle on this and cant do it on my own.

We have moments like that every day, but as long as I don't make an issue of it we are happy. We ARE...honest!

[sennen]

You deserve an answer at least from one of us out here, yes you do have a problem there, and i can tell you its not you thats going crazy ,there is a form of control going on from your other half hes trying to make out you,ve done something wrong when you havent, this could be for many resons maybe to hide his insicuratys over something i,m not too sure,but it sounds like control issues to me, you sound like a good person follow your gut feelings they tell the truth.

Sennen

[jools]

Hi Kaye
Firstly, Sennen's right ...always trust your gut instinct. Secondly, you have two coices here. 1) Don't make any issues and live in harmony (Though you won't feel very harmonious on the inside!) or 2) Stop pussyfooting round him and lay it on the line. But don't try to have discussions - that's just seen as nagging. Make your point firmly and stick to it. That whole TV thing - sounds to me like he resented you joining in with him. Like he felt you were just doing it to please him rather than you really wanted to watch what he was (which is why he kept asking you if you wanted to turn over - and when you said yes you just proved his point - which irritated him). Do you find yourself doing stuff to pacify or please him? The book that you got is a form of just that by the sound of it. What is the positive and grown up language for "stop behaving like a teenager and start acting like a partner?" OK, Im being facaecious (and have probably spelt it wrong) but thats why Im here. Im trying to get a handle on this and cant do it on my own.What's wrong with saying, "Stop behaving like a teenager and start behaving like a partner"? I'm trying to fathom this one out. Are you half afraid of him and/or his reactions?
Jools
________
Mercedes-Benz Conceptfascination History (http://www.mercedes-wiki.com/wiki/Mercedes-Benz_ConceptFASCINATION)

[outoftheblue]

I agree that you might have a problem. If like me you try very hard to create a harmonious household, this sort of controlling behaviour can creep up on you. Has he always been like this or has the balance of power shifted gradually over to him?
Some men just seem to like a quiet life, nothing that interrupts them or questions their status quo. So as long as you don't rock the boat or heaven forbid indicate that you are not happy with their behaviour life is ok. But if you rightly raise an objection to something, they feel threatened because however right you might be they don't want their cosy life to be interrupted by having to put in some extra effort to be nice. In fact they don't see it as their problem, because of course they are happy in their own world and because their life is ok (usually because you are doing everything in your power to make it so). So they think you are the one with the problem, it must be in your head etc. Push all the blame away and if necessary create tensions like the tv channel thing to prove it is you, not them with the problem.

It's a difficult one to resolve, because if they won't realise their behaviour makes you unhappy and it is right for you to raise it then they will not be prepared to address it. you will then become resentful and either keep quiet or continually address it and be accused, unfairly, of nagging. I also think he is defensive and therefore agressive because deep down he knows he is being unreasonable and is trying to deflect the guilt back to you rather than address why he has let himself get this way.

Regards
Cxx

[kaye09]

Thank you guys. I know my post was a bit long and awkward. Cheers for sticking with it.

I have finally managed to make him understand that things aren't right for me. I sent him an email, believe it or not, so he had to read it. Then, when we came to talk about it I got "your email didn't make sense" and a few chopping comments (because basically he didn't want the conversation) but I stuck with it and finally got somewhere.

I feel like I've got the ball rolling now and hes promised to listen (although, I always feel dubious when people make promises) but I feel like I have a bit more control of whats happening and like I am entitled to say how I feel about whats going on.

I don't know whats going to happen for us, but Im more confident about being happy long term.

You were right about me letting things go and leaving him in, well, a world of his own really.

Thanks again. Its wierd how you can feel supported by a couple of entries on a forum isnt it :o)
xxx

[deadletteroffice]

Hi Kaye. If it's any help there's a brilliant book on communication called 'We Can Work It Out'. You can find it here

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Can-Work-Out-Conflicts-Strengthen/dp/0399521372/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/203-8433654-1575137?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1187165351&sr=8-1

[Waterbearer]

Ok, this is probably going to sound petty, but it illustrates some of the communication difficulties Im having with my husband / my husband is having with me!

I posted before about the lack of affection, among other things, in our relationship. Husb. believes that the only problem we have is in my head. Apparently I am "really starting to annoy him now" and am just bringing it up to make him feel bad. I really have not brought it up very much. We have had three conversations (if you can call them that) about it in as many weeks.

He has a point in that, if I just emerse myself in our routine we have no arguments and get on fine. I am miserable and feel unloved - so maybe it is just my problem. My insecurities.

The thing is, I just do not know how to talk to him any more. I have bought a book by recommendation of someone on here.(thanks by the way,Im hoping its going to help) Haven't got very far through it yet but have started to conciously try and impliment positive language. 80% of the time though I am completely baffled as to how to put things positively.

If I give you and example perhaps some clever person on here will have an idea, 'cause theres one in particular from yesterday thats got me stumped.

I was busy having a good spring/ish clean and husb. offered to go to the shop later. I told him I really appreciated that as I had lots to do. Five minutes later he sat down watching telly and I thought it would be nice to sit with him for a bit...makes a change from him being on the computer.

He asked me if I wanted to change the channel as he wasn't really interested in what was on. I said no, but he said it another two times, so I suggested something else and he agreed. I turned it over....apparently that was a mistake.

2 hours later I had run out of bin liners so reminded him, " Are you still going to the shop?" Its his answer that confused me, "I was going to the shop. Then I saw something I wanted to watch on tv. Then THAT GOT TURNED OVER. So now Im not going to the shop."

What? Aside from the fact he damn well told me to, how does that prevent someone from going to the shop?

I left the room, came back in and said, 'I thought you were happy for me to change the channel otherwise I wouldn't have done it. I need to go to the shop, is there anything you want?'
He just repeated the line about the tv, very calmly, and then started reading something.

When I got back in everything was completely normal.
Nothing resolved, me confused, and angry that Id ended up doing everything...again, but too bemused to know how to approach it again.

What is the positive and grown up language for "stop behaving like a teenager and start acting like a partner?" OK, Im being facaecious (and have probably spelt it wrong) but thats why Im here. Im trying to get a handle on this and cant do it on my own.

We have moments like that every day, but as long as I don't make an issue of it we are happy. We ARE...honest!
Due to further reading bout your "situation" I gotta say..Does anyone else smell it ? First I've upgraded my "puter to a faster one with a gigantic secondary harddrive but I wasn't told by the dude I got it from that it had a scenterator 2000 inside !!
I S M E L L POO !!!
Not from you , from him ! Sounds to me like he's playing you better than the one handed drummer from Def Leppard ! Geez get your head outta the sand before its too late .You are already lying to yourself but you can't see that because you're "inside the box" ! Get some REAL distance in case you forgot that means CUT TIES COMPLETELY for awhile , a month for statrers(considering humans make a habit in approximately 30 days & can break it also in the same time) seeing how its really looking like you're nothing but an emotional "playtoy"(again feel free to contact for further explanation) to him , that is if what you're saying in your posts are true. Once you get yourself "outside the box" then the poo will start to slowly drip out of your eyes , revealing a dynamically sparkling clarity to life as you THOUGHT it should be in relation to how it actually is. I can't help but see a definite pattern here , problem is you can "post complaints" here all you want but as I txt you in the other post of yours , "you can lead a heart to love , but you can't make it fall' no more than any of us can make the choice to change your life ! YOU DECIDE , IT'S YOUR LIFE
My GOD , with all the rights advocates & stuff going on today , but you and ALOT of others won't use the GOD GIVEN right of FREE WILL & CHOICE for yourself!
Don't get me wrong I am VERY EMPATHETIC to your situation but I sure as hell aint SYMPATHETIC ! You are doing what my Mama used to tell me . "Boy you keep playing with fire and ya gonna get burned , and one day you might get burned so bad it kills you ,or someone else"

As I said before , maybe I'm too honest but I'll never apologize for that because once I click "post quick reply " I'll be able to respect & live with the fact that I was honest and someday what I txt just might sink into you, or someone else's head to the degree that it changes their life for the better forever .
Still in the prayers & hope all works out.

[kaye09]

I don't mind you being opinionated. Thats what Im on here for. Im going to continue on my other post 'planning to leave' because thats where I am at the moment. Im not worried anymore about what may or may not be in my head. At the end of the day I am not stupid so need to stop acting like I am.

This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life, but Ive been through worse things...the death of my mother for one. Ive learnt what it is to be depressed and how your desisions shape your life, that you can choose to be happy. I discovered that lesson a long time ago so why shouldn't I use it...because it makes other people uncomfortable...

Thats my biggest problem. I care far to much what other people think. But I will get there