He cheated, but we want to work it out

[Suzi2000]

Hi there, I'm new. Last week I would not have believed that I would be on this forum. But I'm sure that's the same for a lot of people.

A week ago I found out I was pregnant with our second child. Two days later I found out about the affair. I had what I thought was a great marriage, over the last 15 years we have fallen deeper in love. The sex, although stale at times had some amazing times. I know at times things were a bit hard - but I always put it down to having a son and being tired trying to work, keep house etc etc. I would never have believed he would have looked else where.

While away with work, on the second night he invited her up to his room, they were intimate but he stopped it before it got too far. When he came home he says this is when the connection happened, they emailed, text and talked on the phone. He nearly went to meet her(she does not live in this country) but at the last minute he couldn't go and cancelled. But they still kept talking.

When I found out - he was honest with me. He has answered all my questions and said it was because he felt I pushed him away at times. Along with problems in work and with other parts of life. He just needed to escape. He says he loves me and he is sorry, he wants to work it out. I believe him but it hurts so much. We have been intimate since I found out - partly because I want to show him we still have it and also because I need to be loved. It has been amazing but at times I think about her. I know it is love we are making but then I get so angry with him. Why didn't he tell me before it went this far, how could he think we were in that much trouble. Then I think about him being with her and the pain is indescribable.

How do we get past this? will we? I need to know we will eventually be ok. I need to know how to get through.

Please help me,

[Kate]

Dear Suzi

What a lot to face - a new pregnancy and your husband's revelations. No wonder you are churned up at the moment.

I think that most people who have been through infidelity will tell you that it takes time to take on board what has happened and for the hurts to heal and trust to be re-built. Although your husband has been tempted, he seems to have held back. That sounds as if he really does care about you and your marriage, and that is something to build on.

There is a section on the site about infidelity (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/) which contains some articles which you may find helpful. I hope you can keep talking to him and sharing what you are struggling with so he can help you.

There will also be lots to talk about with the prospect of another child. See if you can both be honest about the impact that is going to have on your lives and how you can support each other and enjoy the family responsibilities together.

All the best

Kate

[Suzi2000]

Thanks Kate, I have had a look at those articles and they have helped some what. It's just hard to accept what has happened, I keep asking if it was so bad, why didn't he let me know before this happened. Also, the thoughts and images of them together are horrible. I do take hope from the fact he didn't let it go too far in that sense, but some times I question his honesty. I do believe he has been honest because when I ask him questions some of the responses do hurt - but he says you did ask me to be honest!

We have talked about the baby, he is excited. Also, I shared my concerns about how tired I will be after the birth and I don't want to be worrying about him.

One day at a time I suppose.

[Suzi2000]

Oh Hell, I'm having a bad day today. Last night we had a good night together. We all sat together over dinner and once our baby was in bed we talked and did some stuff together. We lay on the sofa talking and watching TV and then of course his hands started wandering. I was tired so I didn't want to do anything, but also I want to know we can have times like that without it always leading to sex. It has been bothering me all morning and now I realise why. He said the connection only happened with her when he came home, when they talked. How come it is about sex with me and not a connection in the way they had. I might be being irrational - but hey, I'm hurt and angry so I don't expect I will be rational for a while.

He also has suggested romantic gestures, but they haven't actually happened. I feel bad for feeling this way, I don't understand

[mimi]

Your story sounds so close to mind, and I need help. I feel your pain. I'm new here too. My husband and I have been married 16 yrs, and lived together and dated an additional two. He cheated on me for several months this year. All I wanted to do is die. I really thought my life was over. I couldn't believe he did this to me. I love this man more than anything else in the world, and he hurt me so bad. He was in my face with it to. Talking on the phone every minute my back was turned, or not turned. He destroyed many things in me. The other woman was older (even looked 10 more yrs than actual), and very unattractive. Of course, this has hurt my self esteem too.
I cry everyday still. It still hurts so much. He wants to stay together, and so do I. We do not talk about it anymore. He said he wants to forget it completely. he said it was a HUGH mistake, and he wishes more than anything he could take it back. Of course he can't, and I'm left with all the pain. He said he loves me, but fell out of love with me. Than few days go by, and he said it was the wrong choice of words. A few more days go by, again he says he fell out of love with me. This is killing me. I don't understand what he means. My question is: can people fall iback in love, once they fall out? I've always thought, once you fell out, it was impossible to get it back. No matter how much you may want to. Please help me.

[Suzi2000]

Mimi, I'm so sorry for your pain. I agree that we are now the ones left with the pain. My husband said when I found out a huge wait was lifted off his shoulders. But it is now onto mine. He has been good and let me ask questions and talk about it, but I feel now after a week if I ask he is thinking will she ever give up.

It is good that he said he wants to work it out, it will take time. I find it hard that he thought things were wrong enough for him to take those steps. It is something I feel will only heal with time.

I agree about the self esteem, we have been intimate together since and I question if I am good enough. I also think about him not finding me attractive but I think if they want to work it out they will let us know how they do.

Mimi, I don't know if I have the answers but do talk to me, maybe we can help eachother. I have only told one friend and she has been brilliant. It is good to talk to someone who is not involved.

Good luck

[Raymond]

Mimi love is a commitment as well as a feeling. In marriage there should always be the commitment. Right feelings always follow it. It will work if you both really commit to it. These things are very possible indeed and can be worked out, so please do not make the feeling the very top of the list as important as it is. It can be worked out with faithfulness and commitment, both a part of love. It's the same as your commitment to your children. You don't think I don't feel I love them anymore. It's much deeper than that.

Raymond

[mimi]

Thanks for the replies to my letter.
Raymond, I'm going to try, and not put that at the top of my list. It's just part of the pain I'm dealing with, and had to get it out. My husband and I were very close. We had a marriage that all our friends looked up to. Everyone is in shock right now. I've had so many friends tell me, they were inspired by us, and can't believe this has happened. I know I should not be ashamed, but somehow I am the one who walks with their head hung. I am ashamed, and I am embarassed.

Suzi, my husband told me that he was hoping to get caught. He said he didn't know how to stop it., and it got out of control. I'm like you, and just had to know everything. He answered everything honestly, no matter how much it hurt. Believe me, it did HURT! I felt like if I got all my answers, the questions in my head would stop. I quit asking now, because he wants to forget it. I wish he would talk to me alittle more. We don't have to talk about her, just let me know how he's feeling, and why? I think he got to the point, he was afraid of hurting me more. I'm just taking it one day at a time right now. Some days I wish I could wake up, and end the nightmare. Other days I wish I could go to sleep, and never wake up.

All I know is I've loved this man with all my heart for the last 18 years, and I'm going to do whatever I can to get US through this. I know in my heart, we belong together.
Thanks,
Mimi

[Raymond]

I hope it works out Mimi. Your husband sounds sorry and hopefully he has learned that he cannot do that.

Your trust has been broken and will take time to come back and for you to be healed. It does take quite a long time but you don't have to be rock bottom while it's coming back. You have been hurt, but together you can overcome.

Raymond

[Suzi2000]

Mimi, our situation sounds so similar! My OH answered all the questions and I now have stopped asking as I feel I know enough. However, he doesn't tell me how he feels. Last night I couldn't sleep all I could think was why did he invite her up to his room? Why couldn't he realise that we would be ok.

I think mine wanted to be found out too to make it stop and I truly believe it has but I still don't trust him. I want to, but I did before and look where that got me. Do not think about not waking up - you have so much to live for. For what its worth, my parents went through the same thing and they are now together and one of the most in love couples I know. SO people can make it work. We need to believe that and remember time will heal.

we'll get there.

Suzi

[mimi]

Thanks for the advise. I am feeling better everyday. At least the awful revenge thoughts have stopped. I know the hurt will take time, and I am willing to wait. It doesn't make it any eaiser. I just wake up every day, and try to get through it as best as I can. I can honestly say, there's not a single minute of any day the thoughts are not on my mind. I had a beautiful marriage. I thought we were the PERFECT couple. Everything I believed in has been destroyed, and I know it will not be an easy fix. But it does help to talk here, and read books. I appreciate all who listen. Even if I tend to repeat some things. I have always been one of the most organized people I know, and that has even been destroyed. My work has suffered. My home has suffered. My son has been the blunt of my anger. None of this is the real me....and I hate what this has done to me.

Suzi,
Like you, I too look at my husband everyday, and wander why? How can he say he loves me, never stopped loving me, and hurt me so bad? There was nothing about our marriage that was so bad to make him stray. He didn't talk to me, didn't give me a chance, just went to someone else. That part really hurts. I thought we could talk about anything. Now I know different. The very hard part is getting the images out of my head. Every time I close my eyes, and even in my dreams, I see them together. Maybe you can understand that part. It's hurts very much to see the man I have loved for so long kiss, touch, and be with another woman, the way he should be with me, and me only!
I asked him why he kept going back to her, even after we were together?
He said it was like "having your cake, and eating it to". I know in my heart, it would still be going on, if I hadn't stopped him. He said he went crazy for awhile, and didn't think about anything. Well I can understand that part, because if he truly loved me, there is no way he could do the things he did to me. I don't know all of your story, but my husband worked out of town, and would go with her. Then he would come home to me. He was living a double life. Then it got out of control with her, and he came home less, and called me less. When I begged him to come home, (Memorial weekend) I wanted him so much, he made the excuse he had to work. He did not have to. He could have come home. He chose to stay with the other woman. He chose her over me, and that really hurts. There are things he did through out the relationship that I am having trouble dealing with. For me, it was not just the sex. Do you understand that?
Anyway, thanks for listening, keep posting, and I'll pray for you, while you pray for me.
Thanks,
Mimi

[Suzi2000]

Mimi, we should really meet- we have so much in common. I am sitting here today feeling so bad because I have done nothing but snap at my son. He is being difficult but I think it is because I do not have the energy to deal with him the way I used to. My work would be suffering but I'm off on sick leave - I found out I was pregnant two days before the awful news and have the worst morning sickness. It could be worse because of the awful situation.

I have actually felt worse than I did at the start. I haven't let him near me because I feel so foolish. I believe in my heart that he is sorry and has cut all contact with her but I keep trying to catch him out. Mimi, my husband was only with her once and didn't go the whole way - he said he stopped her as he couldn't go on. So I should be grateful for that, but he talked to her a lot. I saw some of the emails and it hurts the way he spoke to her - sometimes I feel he doesn't speak to me like that.

He tells me he is sorry and only wants me, but it hurts so much that he was this way with someone else. I couldn't think about being with anyone else, even now. I like you, hate what he has done and what he has made me become. I'm not a nice person at the moment and everything is suffering. I wish I could make it all go away.

Like yourself, I think it helps to talk here even though I don't think anyone really wants to listen. But it helps me as I really cannot talk to anyone else.

Thanks

[Raymond]

Don't mind us. It's good that you talk together as you have a lot in common. You have both been betrayed although there is hope in both your situations. I hope both your men have fully learned their lesson. Your trust has been broken and you are both struggling, which is understandable. It took a long time for that trust to be built up, but it was broken in one go. It will take time to build and it cannot be rushed. If your husbands are truly sorry and you want to receive them back then your forgiveness must happen at some stage for wholeness to come back into your marriages.

There is so much going on in films, media, T.V. etc. It's as if a story is not interesting without adultery two timing etc. and some of this can rub off and get into men's minds, but we musn't let it. The reality is that faithfulness is a wonderful uplifting quality, not only for our partners but for our children as well.

Raymond

[Suzi2000]

Thanks Raymond! I'm up during the night because I cannot sleep, but to be honest I think it more the morning sickness than the other. I think after posting here yesterday I managed to put it at the back of my mind for the first time and had a lovely evening as a family and then as a couple. I suppose over time, as these add up it will get easier.

We were going to go away for our anniversary next month, but part of me thought it was too soon. Now we are talking about revisiting somewhere we went before it all happened in November. I feel happier with this as I think we will be healed more and I think we would enjoy it more and hopefully it will not be brought up. It is also something to look forward to.

I hope these positive feelings last.

[Raymond]

You are wise Suzi in picking and choosing what you can handle. You seem to be going forward however tentatively. You are doing the best you can do in the situation. Hopefully over time things can gradually heal and trust can gradually be restored. It's the only way forward as far as I can see.

Raymond

[Suzi2000]

Raymond, thank you so so so much for all your words. I have read over some of your posts and you seem to give good advice. Thank you for spending a moment considering mine and Mimi's situation. I don't know about Mimi but it helps to hear words from someone who is not mixed up in this situation and can be a bit more objective.

Last night he talked about things which are making him fall in love with me again - which is hard as I never fell out of love with him. But I have to work through this. I know we have shared a lot and I cannot give up on this relationship.

Thanks again

[Lauz]

Hello ladies,

I just wanted to let you know that my situation too is very similar to yours. Earlier this year, my h told me that "he loved me, but was not in love with me" and that he was attracted to his boss at work and had been talking to her about his feelings. My h got involved in a emotional affair with her, and then (unfortunately) slept with her at a business trip in February this year (one drunken night) which complicated matters.

He realises the mistakes he has made - not talking to me when his feelings first changed (over a year ago, but he continued to behave "normal" and try with our marriage in hope his feelings would come back) and of course the affair. We went to couple counseling for some months, but now he is going to individual counseling, because we feel there are some personal issues he needs to resolve for himself as a person - self esteem, unresolved childhood issues etc. What I have learnt is that having this affair (emotional or physical or both) is a result of obviously something he sees as not right in our relationship, but at the moment he does not know what it is and why his feelings have changed for me and the marriage. He has recognised that he has to be more open with me in telling me his feelings (ggod and bad) and being honest and talking to me about what he wants / expects from the relationship. He has always kept things inside him.

You can see my full post at this link (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=4090) - it is long and I have had lots of feedback and advice, including from Raymond which has been useful to me. There are plenty of people here that can help in providing similar situations and what worked / did not work for them.

We are now moving on as my h has agreed to work on the marriage. This is a decision only that person can make. No amount of begging or pleading will get you there. He says he does love me and knows we have a good marriage, and knows he has to resolve these personnal issues, before he can work on getting his feelings back for me and the marriage. We are OK day to day with each other, we do not fight / argue as such, there are kisses/hugs and even sex sometimes, but we have a lot more work to do to get back to the marriage we both want. Small baby steps and patience!

If I can help at all now - the pain and hurt does subside. I still have the thoughts / visions, but I have working on recognising when this happens and instantly putting my mind to something else more positive - last sunny holiday on a beach, flowers, something I am looking forward to in the future etc. I try to think positive thoughts each day and be grateful for where we are at now and for the positive qualities in my h.

I have done a lot of reading and recommend:


I Love You But I'm Not in Love with You: Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Love-You-But-Not-Relationship/dp/0747585520/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/202-3323770-4103845?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1186501151&sr=8-1) by Andrew G. Marshall
Emotional Unavailability: Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Emotional-Unavailability-Recognizing-Understanding-Avoiding/dp/0809229145/ref=pd_bowtega_1/202-3323770-4103845?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1186501228&sr=1-1)by Bryn C. Collins
The Divorce Remedy (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Divorce-Remedy-WEINER-DAVIS/dp/0684873257/ref=pd_bowtega_1/202-3323770-4103845?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1186501745&sr=1-1) by Michele Weiner Davis
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (Relationships) (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Five-Love-Languages-Commitment-Relationships/dp/1881273156/ref=pd_bowtega_1/202-3323770-4103845?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1186501772&sr=1-1) by Gary Chapman
The Secret (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Secret-Rhonda-Byrne/dp/1847370292/ref=sr_1_1/202-3323770-4103845?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1186501575&sr=1-1)by Rhonda Byrne
Stumbling on Happiness (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Stumbling-Happiness-Daniel-Gilbert/dp/0007183135/ref=pd_bowtega_1/202-3323770-4103845?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1186501612&sr=1-1)by Daniel GilbertI have also read most of the informaiton and various links to websites that DavidH has posted (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=4552).

Take care of yourselves and keep posting.

L.

[mimi]

Suzi,
I'm like you taking it one day at a time. I know in my heart I love this man. I know when the hurt stops, or even slows down, we will make our lives strong again.
You are very lucky your husband did not go through with it, and all you have is emails. I wish I could say the same. My husband had five months with her, emails, text messages, and thousands of minutes on that phone. What also hurts alot, is that he used me for so long. That phone he has is a company phone. He had the nerve to call me at the office, and have me approve him an upgrade. We both work for the same company, and I'm in charge of these things. There were several things he did throughout the months. When I remember them, it just makes me so angry. I'll never understand how he could hurt me in so many many many ways....
I'm still praying, and you do the same. In the meantime, let's keep talking.
Thanks,
Mimi

[Suzi2000]

Lauz, thank you so much for sharing your experience. It is great to see someone who is in the same situation but further down the line. Sorry, that doesn't sound right. It is so sad that our husbands have done this to us but having someone to talk to and hear what they have been through helps. I looked at your post - you are so strong! I think if I had the same comments you had I would not be able to go on. I think this is why I have only told a friend who is close to both of us as I know some of my friends who don't know oh would say those things and tell me to leave him. I don't think anyone can comment on individual situations. I have put off buying books and oh said if I wanted counselling we could do it. We are lucky in that we could do it through his work as they have a support service. I still cannot make up my mind.

I have been feeling confused the last few days. I have let him back into bed and as before we are great together and we know how to satisfy each other. But I worry when I am further into the pregnancy and may not want to he will go back to feeling how he did before and start looking again. He has always had a high sex drive and I always thought I could satisfy him, until recently. So it is worrying me so much. I also feel a bit of a fool for being so close to him so soon but I need to feel love and I cannot turn my feelings for this man off. We met when I was 16 and he has always been my true love.

Mimi, If I could understand why he could hurt me like this - then maybe I could move on. It is just so hard when he said he loved me. AAAAAAAAGGGhhhhhhhhhh, Why does life have to be so complicated.

speak soon

[Raymond]

Obviously you will be struggling with the trust thing for a while Suzi and being pregnant will be a big test, but it will have to be done. If you can't trust him while you are pregnant, and it's not your fault that you can't yet, then the trust hasn't been fully tested. If you are aiming to trust him this will be a big test. I know inside you are afraid he will fail, but if he can never be trusted where does that leave your marriage? You have to try and you will have a clear answer at the end. With regard to the sex thing there are still things that can be done if you use your imagination. Sorry to be so blunt. He should also express patience if he loves you. The proof of the pudding is in the eating as they say and if he cannot pass the test without you locking him up (figuratively speaking) then where is the trust?

I sincerely hope it works out. Trust is absolutely essential in a marriage as is commitment and faithfulness as you will know. Mimi's advice about praying is good advice.

Mimi I hope it works out for you also. Your situation seems to have been much worse than Suzi's but if he is ready to work it out together with you it can be done. People do learn lessons (some of them). I won't be around for a week as I'm going walking with my wife in north Devon, but will make a point in praying for you. Nothing is impossible with Him.

Raymond

[Suzi2000]

Well, again we are having our ups and downs. H is trying really hard - he made me a cd and sent me a card. I do believe he wants to work it out but it is still so raw I think it will take time. The problem is I still have these images in my head and just cannot believe how he can be intimate with someone else. I do feel he is being patient with me but it is just so hard.

Mimi, how are you doing? I'm hoping that you are doing fine and this is why you haven't posted.