Need some input

[Unregistered]

We have been married for one and a half years. I thought I was marrying the man of my dreams, but now I am wondering about that. I guess I have to admit that he really hasn't changed since we got married, but I no longer want to put up with how he treats me. We have a 6 month old baby and I feel a responsibility to protect her. The things he does that bother me are; his contolling behavior where he treats me like a child and wants me to subscribe to his way of thinking and agree with how he feels about all subjects. If I do not agree he states that I am telling him he is wrong. He does not want me to have my own opinion. He has always had a couple of drinks a day, but now he has several and seems to start a little bit earlier all the time...is he an alcoholic? or am I over reacting. My family does not behave the way he expects them to so he has tried to alienate me from them. I haven't allowed this and now he says I always choose them over him. That he should be my first priority and he says that he is not. He began looking at porn sites occassionally while i was pregnant and since then it has increased to everyday. Is this a big deal or am I again over reacting?

I want to give my marriage an honest effort, but don't know how far to go or how long to try. I have suggested counseling several times.....he is not interested. Should I give him an ultimatum?

[Dee]

HI,

I read your post and just wanted to say that I am so sorry that you are having so many problems. If you read my post below "found husbands net affair at 9 mth preg" then you'll know that I also share some of your problems. We are slowly working through them.
I'm not the best one to give advice, having problems of my own but, a few ideas came to me when I read your post.

1. If he won't go to counseling, go yourself! Don't wait for him, he may never go.
2. In my opinion he does have a drinking problem. I know AA has support groups for spouses. I would call them.
3. I don't believe that anyone can be controlled unless they allow themselves to be. Try to work on that within yourself. I think if you are stronger and stand you ground (consistantly) he will learn to have more respect for you. And if he doesn't, then at least you will have more for yourself.


Good Luck,
Dee

[Kate]

It's sad that the joy of starting a new family should be overshadowed by the problems that you are facing, and that at present your husband is not responding to them very constructively.

The first few years of married life can be quite challenging adjusting to each other and the arrival of a baby can put strains on your relationship too. Do you think it's possible that some of your husband's behaviour may come from his struggle to adjust to these changes?

Dee is right that you can seek help yourself with counselling (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/), but it would be better if you and your husband could work together on it. She is also right that there is support available (http://www.hexnet.co.uk/alanon/) for spouses of those with alcohol problems.

There are some good tips on identifying what may be going wrong in your relationship in the Marriage Frist Aid (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/marfirstaid/index.html) article on this site. It might shed light on the way your husband seems to be controlling things.

Porn can also cause problems because it too can become an addiction. Many men look at it out of curiosity at first and then get hooked. When it's discovered it tends to blight a couiple's physical relationship and so it becomes a vicious circle. There are some articles and links here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/cyberaffair/).

I hope you find some of this information helpful and some rays of hope for the future.

With best wishes

Kate

[Unregistered]

Thank you for you words. I have already been to counseling and will continue. It seems to cause more problems when he knows I am going, but I will continue. I have considered attending an al-anon meeting and will keep that on my agenda.

Thanks Again