Separated - Want to work it out

[WelshGuy]

Hi, i've been thinking a while if I should make this post or not, but I feel that I need some advice on how to move forward.

Basically, my wife and I have separated after just over 2 years of marriage. My wife told me that even though she does love me to bits, she doesn't love me as a husband anymore. She said we have no common interests, and that my drinking and smoking are a problem for her. I have to admit that I have been drinking quite heavyly for the last 12 months, and given my heath situation (I am overweight) and the fact that I smoke, I have not been doing myself any favours. I have also stated in the past that I would do something about it, but after starting, I stopped again :-(

It is true that we don't seem to have any common interests, but this is something that I am keen to explore and find some new ones. She has recently taken up hill climbing / walking and does this a lot at the moment. Due to my current fitness level, I don't feel that I can accompany her in this. Also, when she used ask me if I'd like to go out, I usually refused (preferring to stay at home with a few tins of beer), or when she has asked, I haven't really even noticed that she has asked. I guess she's gotten to the end of her teather.

Since the separation (just a week now), I have given up drinking to prove to myself that I am not dependant, and this is going well. I feel so much better about myself and I now am able to concerntrate and have a clarity of thought that I didn't have before. So I am going to continue along this line regardless of the outcome of my marriage. I am liking myself more at the moment.

I haven't contacted her since monday when I went to the house to pick up some more clothes. I want to give her the space that she needs at the moment, but this begs the question, when would it be right to get in contact again?

Many thanks for reading this post...

[nik1h]

Hi

I would say you are making tracks in the right direction. Sometimes outlining your partners faults or needing space is the sign of an affair but I would guess not in this case (might be wrong).

Keep doing what you are doing, quit the cigs 2 and as she may well notice the effort your making.

Could be a long road that leads nowhere but if you love her it's worth the effort and there will be a better person at the end come what may.

[Raymond]

It's a good thing to do regardless of the outcome. Your health will be better for it. I wouldn't do it to get her back. Do it for yourself. That way when she notices it will mean much more. I think part of the problem was the apathy partly produced by the drink. If you were willing to work on the marriage and take an interest in things (doesn't have to be hillwalking) things could turn right round. I'd let your meeting happen naturally, unless the gap is going on forever.

Raymond

[Topsy47]

Hello there! I am in a sort of similar situation in that my husband has left me and, at present, only sees me as a friend.

I certainly agree with some of the other posts that its great that you are making positive steps but that you must be doing them for you and not just as a way to get her back.

I am taking positive steps myself and whilst some of these might make me appear more attractive to my husband, I am also doing things to start building a future for myself if it turns out that we cannot resolve things.

Its very hard as, having spent 10 years talking freely to someone, you suddenly find yourself analysing everything you do and say that involves them. I am seeing a counsellor at the moment who has said that I cannot control his actions and therefore I should basically concentrate on me at the moment - I think that is also what you should do.

good luck

[WelshGuy]

Thank you all for your responses. I have actually started going to the AA in order to address my drinking issues. I am doing this for me, as I am no longer happy with the person I am and I need help to get myself back on track. It's quite a steep road to climb, but with the relevent help, I can get there.

With regard to your question BillyBoy, I am not sure how i feel about it to be honest. The part of me who is loosing my companion and best friend is devastated, but the other part of me who knows I've got problem completely understands. I think I need to work on myself first in getting myself right before I can share myself with anyone.... hope that makes sense!

Thanks again all...

[Lauz]

Makes perfect sense and the logical way forward. Good luck and let us know how your doing...

[kjpollard]

Partner walked out 21/05/07 wife my son age 21 who as ADHD Iknow she is renting a house £580 PLUS COUNCIL TAX & BILLS my son as just lost is job over this in june she only takes £875 per month i said to her you cannot live on that come back she replied i rather live in cardboard box and come home she as signed up for a year with my son
i know things as not been right for over a year but i am stuburn so is my partner we bottle it up i wish i have said something ? I know & i hope she will come back thing will be diffrent i will lisen to her she goes through bad period pains very grumpy plus she is going through Menopause i love her so much dont know what to do she will not speak to me or txt me i have no other family she as her 2 sisters and mum i still drink heavy just found out i have type 1 Diabetes please help:confused:

[WelshGuy]

Well, since my last post I have managed to stay off the drink and I am feeling so much better for it. I know it's early stages yet, but I really believe that I am well on the way to winning this drinking fight.

I have now started looking for a new place to live closer to work should the worst thing happen... It's nice to know that there are places around here I can actually afford on my own!

I have left my wife alone with no contact all this week, and she doesn't seem to be contacting me at all. I guess that I have to face the music and realise that there's pretty much no chance of us getting back together :-( Not that that's what I want, but when you love someone, you let them go. It would be nice if she could see the changes I am making for the better, but hey, I guess I can't have everything!

Still feeling down at the moment but want to move forward in which ever way I can.

Will keep posting - and thanks for all your advice.