Growing apart

[lady]

I have been married for 23 years with 3 grown up children. While the kids were young my husband and I seemed to get along fine, all my time was taken up with the kids and he could go out with his mates, have weekends away with them etc. However, now the kids are older, things have changed, I now work full time, so obviously want a bit of a social life. The trouble is my husband already had his life with his mates, so didn't want to do anything with me, this has caused a lot of friction over the last few years. Last year I had a man friend who was paying me more attention than my husband and it made me realise what I was missing. Having said that I still love my husband. Although the relationship with the other man never came to anything, my husband found out that we had been for a drink together on Xmas eve. He left me and was gone for a week and a half before I persuaded him I still love him and to come back. Things were great for a while. We booked a holiday abroad, all the family together. My husband made it clear from the start of the holiday that he didn't really want to be there and ruined it for all of us. Things from there just went from bad to worse. His mates started taking priority again, and everything just slipped back as it was.
It all came to a head 3 weeks ago over an argument over something totally irrelevant, he's been drinking and he hit me several times and walked out.
He's now living in a bedsit and he has told me he's a loner and always has been, and he's unreliable and as I'm a very loving person and he can't show his feelings, he says I need a man that worships me, who will spend all his time with me, hold my hand, buy me flowers, open doors for me, all the things that he doesn't do.
Although I still love him and want him back home I feel fed up with fighting to hold everything together, and really don't know what to do next. Everybodys telling me I would be mad to take him back as once a mans hit out he will do it again and again and that I'd be better off without him. I know in my heart that they are right but I miss him so much and really don't want another man, but I hate being on my own. What is the way forward?

[Kate]

Dear Lady,

How easy it is for one or both of you to give so much time and attention to their children as they grow up that they neglect to keep their own relationship healthy and strong. Then the children go and it feels as if you are relative strangers.

Violence is always ugly and frightening, but we do sometimes do things in the heat of the moment that we regret. Your husband may deeply regret what he has done. If that is the only time he has hit out, you cannot be sure he will do it again, but it's certainly something you need to talk about when you start to rebuild. If it turns out to be a recurrent problem, then there is advice at The Marriage Clinic, in the Women at Risk (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/womenrisk/) area.

It sounds as if your husband struggles with acknowledging and expressing emotion. You could have a look at the Diagnostics page (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/marfirstaid/index3.html) of the Marital First Aid Kit for advice on how to approach your situation. Perhaps you can find a way to show you love and care for him, a way that he will understand and appreciate.

Have you considered or tried counselling. It's best if you go together, but if your husband won't at first, you could still go yourself. You can find a local counsellor by visiting the Counselling area (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/) of the site.

If you do try to start again together and want some help building up your understanding and communication, some marriage enrichment weekends like Marriage Encounter (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/marenhres/meang) are very good at addressing this.

There is always hope - you married because you loved each other and saw something special in each other. You've spent 23 years together and brought up three children. If your husband is willing, it is possible to get in touch with what you mean to each other again and to begin to build communication and understanding and hope for the future. Sometimes it's hard to "stand in someone else's shoes" and see life as they see it, but perhaps you can find a way to show you love and care for him, a way that he will understand and appreciate.

[lady]

Dear Kate
Thank you so much for your reply, it has helped me no end.

I have now been in contact with my husband and as you suggested he deeply regrets what happened, but still doesn't feel that the answer is for him just to come back, as he's left before he could do it again unless we get to the root of the problems we have been having. I am prepared to do anything to save my marriage as I now realise, I love this man very, very much and really want to be with him. I have suggested councilling, but he doesn't seem to think it will help, although he is prepared to try if I want to. Do you think there is a chance it will help us? Do you know what it actually involves? He has actually told me that he realised now that he obviously does love me but just can't live with me!

We have a lot of other pressures, ie all the children are still living at home although the youngest is now 16 and the eldest 22, this in itself causes a lot of friction between me and hubby. My working full time doesn't help either as I don't have the time to devote to the relationship that I would like to have and obviously things like housework etc do tend to suffer a little which is another bone of contention! They are all such silly little things but added together form a mountain!! My husband has actually sugested to me having a fresh start, just the 2 of us, (although leaving our present house for the kids to live in for the time being) in Cornwall about 6 hours drive away. I don't feel very settled in my job at the moment and this idea appeals and excites me, but the only thing holding me back is leaving the kids! Crazy I know, as they'll be leaving home in a few years anyway and probably won't give us a second thought, even so, do you think it would be the right thing to do.

I hope you don't mind my coming to you again but your first reply was so full of wise suggestions that I would really value your opinion

Thanks for your help
Lady
Originally posted by Kate:
Dear Lady,

How easy it is for one or both of you to give so much time and attention to their children as they grow up that they neglect to keep their own relationship healthy and strong. Then the children go and it feels as if you are relative strangers.

Violence is always ugly and frightening, but we do sometimes do things in the heat of the moment that we regret. Your husband may deeply regret what he has done. If that is the only time he has hit out, you cannot be sure he will do it again, but it's certainly something you need to talk about when you start to rebuild. If it turns out to be a recurrent problem, then there is advice at The Marriage Clinic, in the Women at Risk (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/womenrisk/) area.

It sounds as if your husband struggles with acknowledging and expressing emotion. You could have a look at the Diagnostics page (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/marfirstaid/index3.html) of the Marital First Aid Kit for advice on how to approach your situation. Perhaps you can find a way to show you love and care for him, a way that he will understand and appreciate.

Have you considered or tried counselling. It's best if you go together, but if your husband won't at first, you could still go yourself. You can find a local counsellor by visiting the Counselling area (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/) of the site.

If you do try to start again together and want some help building up your understanding and communication, some marriage enrichment weekends like Marriage Encounter (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/marenhres/meang) are very good at addressing this.

There is always hope - you married because you loved each other and saw something special in each other. You've spent 23 years together and brought up three children. If your husband is willing, it is possible to get in touch with what you mean to each other again and to begin to build communication and understanding and hope for the future. Sometimes it's hard to "stand in someone else's shoes" and see life as they see it, but perhaps you can find a way to show you love and care for him, a way that he will understand and appreciate.

[Kate]

Dear Lady,

I'm so glad what I wrote was helpful and that you have begun to find a way forward with your husband.

Only you and he can tell if counselling is best for your marriage. If you are both really committed to making your marriage work and want to make a fresh start and work on your communication then you might try a Rapport "Closeness in Marriage" workshop or an enrichment weekend like Marriage Encounter or Association of Marriage Enrichment. You can find a list of venues and dates (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/datelist.html) on the site.

If you think there are deep seated problems, then counselling may be the answer. Usually a counselling service starts off with an exploratory interview, where you explore the broad issues and then decide with the counsellor the best way to proceed. Check out the quality of the counselling service and make sure that they are as determined as you to rebuild the marriage.

It is a difficult time when the children have grown up. Sometimes it hurts and disturbs life when they leave, but sometimes it can be just as disruptive having independent adults sharing your marital home. There is a brand new book that has had good reviews in the States, and looks at this stage in life - Fighting for your Empty Nest Marriage (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/emptynest/).

You seem very anxious about leaving the children, but it is healthy to let go and encourage them to be independent. The main concern would be if they are doing exams or have any specific problems of their own that they need support with, especially the 16 year old. You'll need to involve them in any decision you make, and ensure they know you can be reached by phone and that you want to hear from them. Some wise friends, neighbours or relatives, available sensitively for the children to turn to, would be helpful too.

From what I've seen and experienced with my own, the sort of support children need as they get older changes as they start to take responsibility for themselves and they usually want to initiate the request for it.

I wonder why Cornwall? Has your husband got a job down there? Will you mind being so far from your present network of friends or are you good at making new ones? It certainly seems wise to keep the present house on for the moment.

It sounds as though you are beginning to find something to build on for the future. Do let us know how things go for you both.

My very best wishes.

Kate

[lady]

Hi again Kate,
Unfortunately, things for me have changed again. My husband has now decided he doesn't want to be with me and has told me to find somebody else. He now refuses to go for councilling or any of the other options I have offered him. He has now gone back to the man I saw last Xmas, and is obviously still very, very hurt over this. I have tried everything Kate and just don't know which way to turn now. I so desperately want him back I don't know what to do for the best. Maybe its best just to leave him on his own for a while, and hope and pray that he realises before he gets involved with anyone else. Any advise/help you can give would be much appreciated.

Thanks Kate
A devastated Lady

[Kate]

Dear Lady,

I'm sorry things are not going so well. Your husband seems to be struggling to come to terms with what happened, not just in the sense of forgiving you but also somehow in forgiving himself that it happened.

At this stage maybe all you can do is to give him the space he has asked for, but not lose touch altogether. You can't push him to come back - he needs to want to come back.

Sometimes you have to be patient, though I can understand your fears that you might lose him. I have seen other women wait and find things improve, but there are no guarantees.

If you meant your words "hope and pray", then for those who believe in it prayer can be very helpful. Sometimes it's when we get to the end of ourselves, that we allow God to act.

Perhaps you need to be strong for both you and your husband while he tries to sort himself out. Sometimes fighting for a marriage can mean just standing firm on your wedding vows, not doing anything active,just hoping and believing in the value of your marriage.

With best wishes,

Kate


[This message has been edited by Kate (edited 19 October 2000).]

[lady]

Hi again Kate,
Thanks once again for your invaluable advice. My husband actually told me the other day that things are far from over between us and to wait and see what happens. Sometimes I feel sure he is coming around and then the next time I speak to him he is cold and impersonal, as if he panics that his feelings are getting the better of him. he told me once when I saw him that the previous time it felt as if I was winning, so it seems as if he wants to give in but is fighting against it all the time!

I am giving him the space he has asked for, and we do meet up once or twice a week, but I try not to contact him, but to wait until he feels ready and let him do the running. I am finding it all really hard to cope with but when I am with him try to be strong and let him think I am coping, whether this is the right way or not I just don't know. Some days I just feel so devastated I don't know how to go on, and I just long for him to call me. I find the waiting the worst thing but if thats what it takes I am prepared to endure it. The thing that is really worrying me Kate is the fact that every time we meet up we end up in bed together! Every time I tell myself its not going to happen, but it just happens, it feels so right at the time! Friends have told me that I shouldn't let this happen as he will never realise what he's missing, he is effectively "having his cake and eating it". I would much appreciate your views on this Kate.

Thanks for your help once again
Lady

[Kate]

Dear Lady,

It's good to hear from you again and to know that your husband is still keeping in contact with you.

There is probably an element of truth in what your friends are saying. It sounds as if you are both feeling insecure at the moment and clutching at things that make you feel better. Are you finding your self worth and security always in how your husband reacts to you?

Do you feel good about your self at the moment? What would make you feel good about yourself right now - a new hairdo, an evening class …? Don't go out just to look for company (eg male), but do something that reminds you of your intrinsic value as a person. That will help you view the situation with your man in a more healthy way and help you to be firm about whether you want to end up in bed every time you see him. It sounds as if you might be doing that because at least it helps you to believe he cares for you.

It sounds very much as if he is reliving his young adulthood, the romance , the chase, but surely that's because he's feeling insecure and he longs to be reassured that he's attractive. If you are at a place where you value yourself properly then you'll be able to show him how you value him in all sorts of ways not just in bed.

So at a deeper level some counselling might help you get in touch with your own needs and values, even if your husband won't go with you. There are also a couple of books that you might find helpful, His Needs, Her Needs (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/needs/), and The Marriage Builder (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/marriagebuild/). They are both very good. The first is written by a counsellor and explores the differences between men and women's needs. The second one has more Christian content, but really gets down to the heart of our motives.

We make the best relationships when we're not looking to others to satisfy our emotional needs for love, worth, autonomy, and significance. When we take responsibility for those needs ourselves, we may still ask others for help, we will still need relationships with others, but we don't manipulate them and circumstances just to make us feel better. You are a special unique person and when you are sure of that you will be able to affirm your husband and help him to see his own value. That is the best basis for a healthy relationship and leads to interdependence.

Hang on in there,

Kate