Commitment

[Daniel]

I've been married a long time. A few years back I went through a midlife crisis and change. During that process I wanted to clear all the cobwebs, resentments etc. out of our relationship so we could go forward with a clean slate. I wanted to go to some exotic island for a few weeks and for us to retake our vows as a start in like a second chapter in our relationship. Unfortuneatley my wife would not play ball. It felt she prefered to hold onto the resentments she had.

Time moved on and we are still together. We finally made a move to a new country six months ago, have bought a lovely house and we both really enjoy it here.

Now though, the old relationship ways of doing things have returned. I am a bit crestfallen about this. It is different this time round though in that my wife does want to make changes. In essence, she wants to be more proactive in the relationship. She also wants to go back and look in the cupboard of time at old resentments etc. and work towards clearing them up. She said we should have cleared them up before coming here ... without any acknowledgement at all re the great lengths I went to a few years back.

I obviously love my wife, in many ways she is a real treasure. So I want this to work but I have a problem.

Crazy as this may sound, I've never felt my wife is truly commited to me. I just haven't felt that commitment ... that marriage partner, husband/wife type commitment. I know well that the process my wife wants to through is fall of pitholes, obstacles, that it will be exceedingly emotionally upsetting and wearying. So I asked her about her commitment to me ... for example, is it enough to now go and see a priest and retake our marriage vows.

Her response was that we must first go through the process of clearing out the cupboards and seeing if she can indeed become more proactive. That she will not as yet retake our vows. I never even got a thank you or anything for retaking our vows and feel totally devastated by that. Its as though I've been left at the altar. Its hard to describe how I feel .... it is deeply sad, like I'm a reject or something.

I fundamentally believe that unless my wife is truly commited to me, the process she now wants to go through will simply fail ... and fail in a horrible way. I also find that I am now shutting myself off from my wife. Day by day I am literally withdrawing my commitment to her.

Am I crazy? Am I wrong to fundamentally think and feel that what she wants to go through now will fail misserably if she is not totally commited to me?

[Raymond]

Daniel be positive. Your wife said she wants to clear old resentments up. That is something good. For the time being you should honour the marriage vows that you have made already. If you both come to an agreement to renew them fair enough, but don't force it. It's like when I read a marriage book and think my wife should be doing this and this. It is wrong for me to do that. I should take the good I see and do that. I cannot manipulate my wife I can only hope and pray that she will do the right thing as well. It is not my responsibility to make her do anything, she is a fee agent.

I would counsel that you lay off of her and accept the good she is trying to do, maybe not in your way. You should do the good you can do. Give her that commitment, with no strings attached. You are much more likeley to get good responses when you sow good seeds, rather than trying to control another. Be careful that you are not the blockage and please don't be jugemental. Have a lovely marriage.

Raymond

[Daniel]

Thanks Raymond for you response. The problem is that I am the blockage. I can see this and I know it. I just do not want to go through the process unless my wife tells me she is fully committed to me. It is a condition that I have and I feel exceptionally strongly about it.

I think the reason for this is that emotionally it will be very tough for me to go through it all. There is a lot that needs to come out … we’ve been together nearly 40 years. Last time I tried I got quite suicidal. I never want to be in that place again and will do all I can to avoid it.

I just don't think it will work unless I know my wife is fully committed to me.

[Raymond]

You should know if your wife is committed to you Daniel without retaking marriage vows. I've got a feeling she is committed to you but you are insecure and have to have this service to prove it. Human beings have limitations that we have to accept. She appears to love you and wants to work on your marriage. Thet is a very good sign that I would be glad about. Don't try and control her. She gives her love freely. Don't smother her with this control thing.

I think you are looking for spiritual answers in the marriage plain which can only really come from God.

Raymond

[Lauz]

How can you expect her to be 100% committed if you are not yourself? I sense doubt in you and maybe she does too...

[Daniel]

Hi Luaz,
I've always been 100% committed. Ever since when, way back. It came as a total shock that my wife did not feel the same way.

[Raymond]

Yes Daniel but youre letting things affect your commitment. Commitment is no matter what. The covenant of marriage. That is the nature of it. You love her and are committed to her reciprical or not. It's not if you do this I'll do this. If you can love her for herself for what she is that would be a wonderful thing to do, whether she re-does the vows or not. She will feel this and respond, but you are not doing it to get. It's not dependent on getting but there will surely be a reward in your marriage and a response by her.

Raymond

[kaye09]

I think its admirable that you so want to make a fresh start. She may not have outwardly acknowledged your previous effort to clear everything up before moving, but whatever you said to her during that time has obviously filtered through somewhere along the line for her to feel ready to do that now.

Its only my opinion but, I think I would feel the same way as your wife. Retaking marriage vows would mean a lot more to me were it at the end of a troubled period where the two of us had become stronger, rather than taking them as some sort of promise to try harder in the future.

Think about what kind of day you would want it to be. Stood there with uncertain hopes that somehow this will kickstart a change in the relationship, or stood there with a renewed affection and strength in one another, reaffirming your feelings.

I know which I would choose. She is lucky to have you, but don't let your frustrations mess it up.

[Daniel]

I think I may well be blind here, can’t see what others’ can see. I do feel insecure in my relationship with my wife, very insecure. I don’t know if the insecurity is within my character or in the signals my wife sends me, or even the perhaps crazy way I interpret those signals.

I hear what is being said in the responses to my post, I even think I understand it. That we should love our partner for who they are. But I ask myself, if we should do that, why do so many marriages break down? Surely they break down because one or both of the partners aren’t getting what they need out of the relationship.

I don’t actually ask a lot of my wife. I shop, cook, clean, plan, manage the money etc. etc. The one thing I really do need … some statement of commitment in a nice, unresentful way … my wife simply wont give me.

Kaye and everyone else, thank you for your kind words and advice.

[Raymond]

Daniel if you love your wife for who she is including in practical ways your marriage is far less likeley to break down. I can't think that your wife wants your marriage to break down, so please relax a bit. This insecurity thing will put a strain on your marriage though and cause a wrong pressure on your wife. The roots of it could be in your childhood and be nothing to do with your marriage. You cannot change her, but you can change yourself. The more you sow good things into her the more she will repond. If you can make her feel loved and special you will have done well. Have you discovered her primary love language yet? The way she perceives love? (read the book The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman) Theres a lot you can do to make things better. As Kaye says you can then renew your vows out of strength not as a last ditch hope to kick start something.

Raymond