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View Full Version : Found husbands internet affair at 9 months pregnant


Dee
9th November 2001, 07:26 PM
I had a baby 8 weeks ago. 9 weeks ago I could not sleep due to contractions so I decided to get up. I surfed the net for a while and then decided to write an e-mail to a friend. It was then that I discovered that I was logged onto my husbands password. He had forgotten to log off before going to bed. When I opened the mail I found several e-mails to a woman he had been having a net affair with. I was numb to say the least. I desided my discovery gave me the right to dig and so I did. I found several files that he had saved that inclueded letters back and forth from each other. SOme were short but dirty such as " mmmm your good" and some were very sweet and romantic such as " I want to hold you in my arms and kiss you soflty" you get the idea. I was and still am furious and devastated by this. My husband was doing this right under my nose. Here I am about to give birth to our first and only child (which by the way is a son, a son he always wanted) and he puts me to bed early everynight with a back rub "to help me feel better" and runs off to the computor. I let him know of my discovery and his ansewer was " it's just a game, it's not even real". What a bunch of %^&*!!
I told him that I highly doubt that this unsuspecting woman felt it was a game as she had professed her love to him. He of course in in denial and says it was not an affair. I let him know that I am no idiot and and that this was in everyway shape and form an affair. The only thing missing was the skin. He shared himself secretivly, both physically and emotionally with another woman.
THAT IS AN AFFAIR!

We had been having issues with porn for the past few years. Everytime I catch him he promises to stop but it's only a short matter of time before it starts again. And now it has progressed to the affair thing. And he wonders why I am so cold and distant from him. I am so tired of all of these other women in his life. And I'm losing my love for him because of it.

I have told him how hurtful and damaging this is. He agrees that it is ( or maybe just says that to shut me up). He goes on his daily routine like nothing has happened. And get's mad at ME when I am in a mood about this still and says that I am wollowing in it. It's only been 9 weeks! I know that he'd like nothing better than for me to just let it go, that would make his life easier. He cut off all ties with her and has changed his e-mail add. He had promised to stop his behavior BUT...........

My husband doesn't know that I know his password. Today I looked at his e-mail. And what do you know!!!! He has a trip planned to Las Vegas on business. I found a letter that he had written to some sort of referal service for hotels etc...(a nice and ligite service by the way) He asked them and these are his exact words...." Can you direct me to what casinos are geared toward ADULT FLAVOR, you know.....excitement....girls"? Looks like he's planning a little fun on the trip.

I don't know what to do with this now. The net stuff was hard enough but knowing that he is actually planning something face to face is now more than I can handle. THe constant lies and deciet are more than I can cope with. If I could leave his sorry
&$% I would. But I have no job skills to make any sort of money on and have a new born baby and a handicapped 10 year old.

What can I do? How can I cope? I want him to know I know about the Vegas letter but I don't want him to know I know password! I deserve to know what's going on even if it means spying on him.

I'm so deprressed and these post partum blues aren't helping matters. Words of hope would be real good right about now.

Thanks for listening
Dee

Kate
10th November 2001, 11:43 AM
Dear Dee

You certainly face some tough challenges with a new baby, a handicapped child, and an errant husband.

First of all I would have a look at the Marital First Aid (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/marfirstaid/index1.html) section and our topic on Infidelity and Affairs (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/) - you should find a number of resources and articles there that speak to your situation. You are quite right that his behaviour, whether it has involved physical intimacy or not, has the effect on you of him being in an affair.

What you are facing is not unusual - sadly many men struggle to deal with their own desires, especially at a time when their wife is possibly depressed, is absorbed with a new baby, and indeed may have been less sexually active than previously. This is NOT to excuse him - only to say that it is all too common.

The foundations of every successful marriage are trust, and by his actions he has eroded your trust in him. I believe you should confront him with the what you know of his planned trip before he goes - you will not build trust by hiding this from him. As for the password - if he is serious about re-building trust then why does he need a password??

I would suggest that you both talk seriously about some counselling (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/) - having a neutral third-party to reflect back to both of you how your personalities and behaviours interact will help you find new strategies to build the future you both want.

In your darkest moments just let your mind go back to the early days of your love together, and how special he seemed to you - he still can be, but it will take love, forgiveness and hard work by both of you to rebuild the trust.

Unregistered
10th November 2001, 03:02 PM
First off I'd like to thank you so much for lenghty reply. I know it must be time consuming reading and responding to these posts.

Your advise has been very helpful. I agree about the counseling. I have already been checking into it at our local church. I'm not so sure if they are fully capable, as I think I should seek someone who not only specializes in marraige but sexual addictions.

About your last paragraph, " the darkest moments". That is exactly what I have been doing for the past three years. It is the only way that I have been able to keep going. And it does help me, UNTIL I catch him at it again. And each time it get's harder to remember those good times. They seem farther and farther away now. And there we so many. I don't know how many more times I will be able to live in the past to try to repair the future. I get slapped in the face harder each time he breakes his promise. Everyone used to tell us how lucky we were. We used to get told ( even by strangers) that they could outwordly see the love we shared. That is very rare and we both felt so blessed. But that is long gone now, only a dim memory for me. We went for pre-marital counseling through our church before we got marraied. We wanted to be SURE it wasn't just hormones, lust and elevated levels of seratonin pushing us towards marraige. In retrospect there was no clue that this would even ever be an issue for us, or even anything like it. I tried to do all the right things to insure a good marraige, but you were right when you said it takes two.

Thank you for your suggestions. I will read the areas you pointed out and more. This is a wonderful site, a wealth of information and unfortunately a very badly needed one.

Dee

Dave
10th November 2001, 06:41 PM
Dear Dee

Thanks for the kind words - they are what makes this work worthwhile!

Two thoughts to add to what Kate said:

You are wise to turn to your local church - in doing so I guess you have a Christian faith - prayer is the surest way to carry you through these difficult times - hang in there!!

I guess from one or two things you say that you are in the US - you might take a look at "Pure Intimacy" (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/php-bin/jump.php?linkid=69) - a site run by Focus on the Family which may have some resources to help too.

God Bless
Dave

Unregistered
11th November 2001, 06:22 PM
For the added information and advice. Yes we are in the US. I have great admiration for Dr. Dobson. I'm assuming that you are not here in the states? James Dobson has a radio program here that I listen to when I can, its' always enlitening. I have also recently read his book Love Must Be Tough. I need to re-read it though because I was very distraught and not absorbing it as well as I could have. Having a very fussy high needs baby leaves me little time lately but I am doing as much reading and research that I am able to.

Thanks so much again,

And have a wonderful day :)

Dee

no-one to talk to
29th November 2001, 06:07 PM
I recently also found out my new husband was having an internet affair. It devasted me even though i spected something was going on. He only logged on when i wasn't home, or unplugged the computer if i came in unexpectedly. He also says it was not an affair that it was fantasy. He also blocked all contacts and stopped communicating with this woman. He refuses to admit the truth about the whole thing and doesn't see it as big as it is, because it wasn't physical. I want to work things out but it has to be on honest ground. I can't seem to get over the words he wrote to her, saying he was just trying to make her feel better about herself and just being really friendly. They hurt and i am very angry, please if there is any advice , help me make things right again.





ps i know i am not blameless in all this:(