Please Help

[heart broke]

my wife whom I love with all my heart tells me she's not happy here anymore and wants to seperate for a while . we have two kids 4&6 I am worried for them they dont understand more so worried for my marrage I am afraid she may not come back .she likes going out with here freinds more than me an is being distant when I want to work things out or talk ,she doesnt want to get counciling . I dont even know how a seperation works please help

[Kate]

It's very difficult when your loved one holds you at arms length like this. You're faced with the choice of trying to give her the space she is asking for (and risking her not coming back) or trying to push her to get some help through counselling or similar. Have you thought of suggesting that she takes a little break off on her own without the children, for a few days, just to give her space to think things through.

Have you any idea what is bothering her? It would help if you could get her to share what she is feeling (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/feelings/) and what she is concerned about. If she doesn't want to talk perhaps you could ask her to write things down and thens how you what she's written. She may feel daunted to say anything because she would have to cope with your reaction in words and non-verbals while she was struggling to put things into words.

Do you have any friends in common who you could trust to sit down with you and listen while you talk, perhaps an older married couple who udnerstand the pressures? It is common for one or both marriage partners to go through a stage of disappointment and disillusionment (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/), when they face up to the fact that married life and their partner may not live up to their starry eyed romantic courtship expectations. it's important then to consider what love really (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/loveis/) is when the loving feelings are not so frequent, and what the commitment is that they made in marriage. This stage is actually a good one to go through, because beyond it you can build a happy strong marriage based on loving each other warts and all.

If you want to know more abour separation, you can visit your local Citizens Advice Bureau (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/citizen/cabadviceew/). Usually at this stage it's an informal arrangement, but your wife will need to realise that you need to talk about where she is going to go, when she is going to see you, what to say to the children, how you are going to see them, how long it is going to go on for, how you are going to sort out the finances as running two homes is going to put a lot of pressure on financially.

Hope this gives you some ideas to find a way forward.

[heart broke]

thanks for your help I was wrong on post we will see a counciler after we seperate she wants to do it seperatly but she wants to go whats bothering here seems to be my actions in the past what I thought was joking wasnt it was mentaly hurting her and I never knew or saw the signs now im the one hurting too because every thing in my life is leaving me .