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Kris
7th November 2001, 08:59 AM
hi, Kate... I really need some insight, I feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown.... My husband and I have been married for 8 months, and I've already just about had it! My husband has become somewhat of a control freak, and he treats me very unfairly. He's been doing things that he knows would upset me, and when I confront him about it, he makes up pathetic excuses like "I didn't mean it" or, "I didn't know it would upset you", and beleive me- he knows better. It's as if he's using these excuses as an easy way out- he's using the "play dumb" tactic. And it is impossible to communicate with him, because anything I say, he twists and turns it around so that nothing even makes sense anymore. To get into a discussion about a problem (or to try to) has become so exhausting... i always end up giving up and pretend like everything is forgotten- because it's just flat out impossible to get anywhere with him. So I'm left with all this frustration and anxiety built up inside which always ends up as more than when the problem occured, because of all the trying to get him to understand why I am upset and his twisting and turning it around and around. He does and says things that if I ever say or do, I never hear the end of it. Like, when it comes to spending money... It's a big debate with him if we can really afford that cute outfit I saw for our son (we have a six month old)- he'll say something like, the baby doesn't really NEED it, so it can wait. Then, he'll go out with his buddies the next day and spend $ 50 at a bar... not only I shouldn't spend a little bit of money on clothes for our son, but if I ever went out and got drunk?! He wouldn't stand for it! I wouldn't do it anyways, just because I don't have the desire to, but I'm sure you see my point. There are many, many other situations similar- they range from use of the computer -he gets upset with me if I stay up at night on the computer- though it is the only time I get to spend on the computer, the baby is asleep, my chores are done, and my husband is on the computer from the time he comes home from work until he goes to bed, ususally, and they range from that to having friends of the opposite sex ( he can, but he doesn't feel comfortable with me and my friendship with my male friend that I have been friends with for forever) to visiting family and so on... I just feel so trapped- I really want to make our marriage work- he was not like this before... this has only occured in the last couple of months. I'm so tired of arguing and trying so hard and not getting anywhere, to the point I have to give up or I'm going to have a breakdown ... any advice would be enormously appreciated! -Kris

Kate
9th November 2001, 09:23 AM
Dear Kris,

The first years of marriage can be tough and you have obviously started off with the extra challenges of a new baby. There are adjustments to make with each other when you marry and also when you go from two to three with a new baby. I guess neither of you expected married life and parenthood to be like this.

Have you talked to each other about what you expected marriage and parenthood to be like? Have you been able to share how you are each feeling and whether there are concerns and disappointments.

Prenancy and having a new baby can be daunting for both of you. Does your husband feel confident and involved in looking after the baby? Do you think perhaps he may be feeling left out and confused at present, either over handling the baby or left out because so much of your time and energy are taken up with the baby. Can you involve him more in looking after the baby and reassure him of your love, while letting him know of any struggles you are hving in coping with it all?

If you are feeling tired and down yourself, you might consider talking to the doctor and checking out that you are getting the right diet and rest ande exercise, so that your body can recover from pregnancy, child borth and breast feeding if you are doing that.

You mention lots of different issues but they are all ones that newly marrieds or engaged couples need to work through to udnerstand each others values and behaviour. You might like to have a look at the Basic Relationship Skills (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/) section and the early years (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthearly/) sections to see if you can find some articles or books to read to help you understand what is going on.

I do wonder if what you are experiencing from your husband are defence tactics because he doesn't know how to handle the new emotions and challenges that you are both facing. Perhaps it might help if you were to sort out some priorities and concentrate on trying to concentrate on the important issues and let other things ride, so that you're not always in combat or frustration mode.

Above all try and avoid just focussing on what is wrong and try and find things that you can share together to build common ground.

Kate