Unsure what to do.....

[Desperate]

I have about hit bottom with my marriage. I have been married 12 years and have two small children. I can say that most of my marriage I have been unhappy. My husband and I went to counseling a couple of times together in the early years, but, after that he downright REFUSED to go. Since then, I have sought counseling on my own off and on. We have been separated three times.

I am unhappy because I feel I carry the weight of managing our household all alone. I work 7 days a week, sometimes 10-12 hours a day. Along with this, I am responsible for 90% of the cleaning and cooking, raising the children, managing our finances, lawnwork - well, you get the picture. He works 45 hours a week, gets to watch TV, read the newspaper, etc.

I approached my husband a couple of weeks ago upset about the whole situation again. I told him we were in desperate need of marital counseling, but, of course, he REFUSED.

Today, on a whim, I decided to check our internet history. Apparently this past weekend he was busy perusing the Personal Ads for our city.

I don't understand why a man would rather seek another woman than go to marriage counseling.

I have read all the material I can get my hands on regarding marital issues, I have gone to counseling, consulted with friends, consulted a priest. I have screamed and yelled at my husband. I have cried. I have tried talking calmly to my husband or gently reminding him that I needed help with things. Nothing seems to be working here!

I am in desperate need of advice - some real help...

[June]

Have you thought of "working to rule" and only looking after yourself and the children. Let him get his own meals and iron his own clothes. Tell him you'll start looking after him when he starts looking after you again.

[songbird]

hi,

All sounds frighteningly familiar to me.

Have you asked yourself what it is about you that allows you to continue in this relationship, year after year ........... when you are doing all of the giving and not getting anything back.

Why do you want to continue living in this unhappy situation, with a man who quite clearly doesn't make half as much effort to keep the family and marriage and home going, as you do?

Do you love yourself?

If you were a loving friend , watching your life from behnind a pot-plant for a month ......... what would your opinion be?

Does your husband want to continue in this marriage ............ is he prepared to put in any effort aside from working outside the home?

Somewhere on this site there is a bit call 'Why should I be the one to change?' by Michelle Wiener-Davies of Divorce Busting ,I read it with interest ............ why not have a look .......... you might find a few ideas.

I think you sound like a very strong and wonderful woman ............ learn to love yourself a little more .

Sometimes I wonder if women stay in very unsatisfactory relationships, allowing themselves to become lower and lower in the hope that if they sink low enough their husband will remain higher and as such will be the 'night in shining armour' whom thay have been waiting for since childhood, and rescue them from this terrible life they are living.

Don't wait for him to save you ................save yourself.

best wishes. x

:) :)