Sex again after an affair

[Devastated Dave]

My wife recently had an affair but we are putting it behind us and making a new start.

The only problem is everytime we get close to having sex again we both seem to get uncomfortable which "kills" the moment. I think we are both worried about what each other is thinking.

Anyone offer any advice on getting over this hurdle?

[Dave]

Dear Dave

The first thing to say is "Well done" to both of you - it takes courage and determination to pick up the pieces and start again.

It takes time and effort to re-build the trust that is essential for you to be vulnerable and intimate together. An affair undermines the trust in your relationship, and really fulfilling sex only exists in an atmosphere of trust. Probably the first thing you both need to do is to talk to each other about your feelings as you approach making love. Concentrate on your emotions (for example are you afraid, angry, confused, jealous) rather than on your judgements or thoughts. If simply sharing these things verbally is difficult, then how about trying to write down your main feelings in a simple letter to each other - and then, when you've read each others letters, try and share together where your feelings are the same, and where they differ. You need to remember that each of you may have very different feelings, but that its OK to be different - let the time of communication build up the trust together.

One of the Partners to 2-in-2-1, Dr Peggy Vaughan, has written a good short article on "Recovering those loving feelings after an affair" (http://www.dearpeggy.com/com008.html) that you might find helpful. We'd also recommend that you think about getting one of the excellent books listed in the section on Infidelity and Affairs (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/) such as the "Monogamy Myth" (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/monogamymyth/) by Peggy Vaughan or "Surviving Infidelity : Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain" (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/infidsurvivesubotnik/). Why not read through the book together and talk about what you're learning from it?

Finally, don't forget to romance each other! Maybe you need to take the time to falling love all over again! Take time to re-build the excitement you found in each other when you first met, and don't let the temporary lack of sexual desire for each other become a wall between you - if you re-build the communication then joyful sex can be the reward rather than the objective.

Good luck
Dave


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