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View Full Version : Bad Marriage or is it? Please Help


nana40
20th October 2001, 08:14 AM
I have been married for about 19 years. The man that I am married too has had another wife before with two children. I love the children very much, but now they don't love me or even like me when they use too. The ex-wife use to call all of the shots when we were married and no I did not break up the marriage, it was already done with before I came around. What I need to know is what can I do? I am tired and exhausted with name calling and cutting me down by my husband. He seems to think it is funny for he laugh's everytime he makes me cry. He does it quite often. He tells me I am nothing, that I know nothing, that I am a bitch, and that I do not know how to take care of the family yet I am the one who has done it for over 20 years. All I expect is a little bit of respect and acknowledgement. Is that Too much to ask for? I have thought of divorce but am a person that believes in for better or worst. I have just had about my worst though for 20 years. I also have a handicapped son that has good insurance with my husband and I would never be able to provide that for him. Please help me and tell me what to do. I can't take very much more of this abuse, yet I don't know what is right or wrong anymore. Please Help me. P.S. My kids are starting to do things like smoke, drink and smoke pot. Help me Please! I need some answers and just lost my father unexpectedly. He is gone and now I have no answers! Please help!
:confused: :confused:

Kate
23rd October 2001, 03:14 PM
Of course you deserve respect. Abuse, verbal or whatever kind, is not appropriate to any marriage relationship.

I don't know how easy it is to have a calm conversation with your husband. Would he listen if you tried to explain how upset you are? When he criticises you, does he just put you down, or does he explain how he wants you to behave. Perhaps next time he does this you could ask him calmly what he does actually want and does he think his behaviour is helping the situation.

You might like to consider talking to your doctor or a counsellor to help you cope with things. In the end it sounds as if you might benefit from some joint help, if your husband is prepared to admit that is necessary.

You do need to hang onto your own self-worth and remember that your husband does not define you by his hurtful words, which are an expression of who he is, not who you are. I know how precious it is to have a husband who loves and affirms you, but if you accept the value his words seem to put on you, you will just get dragged down further.

There are a couple of books on the site about verbal abuse here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/womenrisk/).

You talk about the things your children are getting involved with - it is frightening to see our children getting drawn into using drugs etc. Are there any drug or alcohol support programmes locally, where you could get advice? These may be run by local schools, churches or local government departments.

When everything seems to be falling apart around us, it's hard to know where to turn. I'm sure you miss your dad a lot.

For me it's times like this when my faith is particularly important. I believe that I am lovingly created and matter to God, that he has forgiven the mistakes I have made and that I have a future with him. This gives me something that no one can take from me and a hope for the future. That hope is the one hope in this world that is available to each of us.

I hope and pray you can find a way forward.

Kate