Making a mess of it!

[Confused1]

I have been married for quite a while now and most of the time have been happy. My wife and I do argue quite often...she is able to say things directly, get it off her chest and then all forgotten. I am unable to do that and bottle things up. As a result I become distant and withdrawn. For some reason I met another woman, when I was drunk, and fell for her. She was divorced and initially we kept in touch via mobiles and e mail....occassionally meeting. As she lived about an hour away wasnt easy to see eachother.

Our relationship developed but I still had some feelings for my wife and kids. I know I need to stop seeing this woman if my marriage is to survive, but I dont know if I still love my wife, whether I ever did, or am just going mad! I have told my wife recently I dont know if I love her anymore and that I would like to sort things out. Should we work at this or have I taken things to the edge and beyond. I feel like the worst human being in existence and think I should move out just so my wife doesnt have to spend time with such low life. Please help

[Kate]

Dear Confused1,

I hope that somewhere in your confusion you can see that your marriage is something very special, and worth working at. You talk about not knowing if you still love your life or whether you ever did and you talk of still having feelings for your wife.

One of the myths of today's society is that love is simply about feelings, when love is actually an action word. It is really about wanting the best for another, choosing to care for them and put their needs first. It is about being open and vulnerable and letting them get to know you and show you how they value you. Feelings are involved of course, because they are signs of how we are reacting to people and situations around us. They are signs of our deep emotional needs and whether these are being met. But it is really dangerous to make decisions based on our feelings alone, because feelings change. For example in one single day I can feel angry, exasperated, warm, affectionate, irritated and proud of my husband.

You don't say if your wife knows about your affair and if she doesn't you need to think long and hard about whether you should tell her or not. There is a whole section on the site about affairs (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/) and how to come through them. Affairs are very damaging, but that damage can be turned into an opportunity to make a fresh start. You chose to continue the affair after the initial incident and you can choose to walk away from it again. The statistics for second marriages failing are far higher than for first time marriages, so there are no guarantees that you will be happy with the new woman in the long run. On the other hand there was a time when you were sure your wife was important enough to you for you to marry her.

If you want to make your marriage work, then the first step is to decide to walk away from the other woman for good - no further contact. Then you need to seek help for yourself and for your marriage.

You are obviously very unhappy with yourself and it would be sensible to find someone to talk to, so you can come to terms with what you have done. You will need to acknowledge what you've done and forgive yourself. You can see a counsellor or make an appointment with a local clergyman to do this or even a friend, but make sure it's someone you can really trust not to tell anyone else. They might be able to help you find ways to stop bottling up your feelings. I find it helps to write them down sometimes, even if I tear the paper up straight after.

Then you need to find some way to work through the differences in your marriage. If you think you have serious problems then you could go to marriage counselling (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/) together. If your main need is to build your communication and understanding of one another, there are a number of tips and articles about communication (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffcommun/), handling differences in personality etc. You could also consider an enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/datelist.html) together. Every marriage has its difficulties and needs support from time to time and its actually brave and wise to admit it. The trouble is that many of us set out on married life without realising that we need to work at our relationship and take time to build our relationship together.

Your marriage still has great potential for happiness, if you're both willing to work at it.

Kate

[Confused1]

Kate,
Thanks for the support....I havent told my wife about the affair and dont intend doing so. I think it would ruin any chance of our marriage surviving. I appreciate you guiding me to make a decision I probably knew I had to make anyway...that is to stop seeing the other woman. It is the only chance I have of giving my wife the attention she deserves.

I dont know of anyone locally whom I could trust to discuss my situation so I hope you will continue to provide me with some support and guidance.

It will be a long process and lots of things will need to change in my life. I cried for the first time in a long time yesterday and that felt so good.

I must learn to smile and have fun without it being destructive.That fun must also include my wife and kids.

Ill keep you posted of any developments!

Many thanks

Not so confused!

[Kate]

Thank you for your posting and for your openness.

The forums are checked usually every day by someone on the 2-in-2-1 team. We will give you whatever support we can.

Kate

[Confused1]

Have today ended my relationship with the other woman. It had to be one of the most difficult things so far, and I know she was upset and angry. I hope one day she can forgive me for the pain I have caused.

Now that part of my life is behind me I can begin the process of growing closer to my wife. I know there will be days when I question my decision and need to be strong.

Have looked through some of the accompanying material and I can see some very useful items there. My wife knows I have been looking for help and is interested in the articles. Lets hope they make sense to us.

[lady]

Dear confused1

I would just like to wish you all the luck in the world and to say how much I admire you for what you are doing. My husband and I are going through similar problems at the moment and I just hope and pray that he comes to his senses and realises what he stands to lose before its too late, as you obviously have. I think you have made the right decision about not telling your wife about the other woman, as long as there is no chance of her finding out from anybody else. You just have to put that behind you and live with that on your conscience and spare your wife the suffering.

I'm sure you have found this site invaluable as I have, we need all the support we can get at times like this don't we?

I hope everything goes well for you and your wife and that you have many happy years ahead of you.

Good luck
Lady

[Confused1]

Dear Lady,
it has been one of the most difficult few weeks in my life. Initially I put my feelings down to stress at work and the meeting of another woman as a way of relieving that stress. For a while it was good fun, the feeling of being free of all responsibilities at home and work. But then even that started to give me stress. I resigned from work on the 9/10/00, but after talking with my boss realised it was my home life I wasnt satisfied with. I decided to be honest with my wife, and at the same time with the other woman.
The other woman understandably was not happy because I was not going to be with her, but my wife was also not happy because I told her I didnt know if I loved her.
I finished my relationship with the othre woman yesterday and it hurt bad. Not being able to talk to her again will be difficult but I know I must avoid temptation if my marriage is to survive.
Thank you for your support and if I can help you in any way, perhaps to help answer some of the question you have I would be more than happy.

C

[lady]

Dear C

Thanks for your reply, and I'm really glad that you are getting it together and am sure you will be a lot happier in yourself.

Unfortunately, things are not going so well for me, although there is no other person involved my husband has decided he just doesn't want to be with me, he wants to be alone and doesn't want to try to repair the marriage in any way. He has hurt me so much in the last few weeks, and I really don't know whether I can forgive him or in fact whether I want to! Its a very difficult time as you must know, I feel I'm on an emotional rollercoaster at the moment, up one minute down the next, but I'm sure things have to get better soon, one way or the other. He tells me he just wants us to be friends, go out together maybe once a week! How can you be "just friends" with somebody you have loved and cared for for 23 years and have been apart from for just 5 weeks?!! He thinks love can just be turned on and off like a tap!! I think he's being totally unfair and unreasonable but there's just nothing I can do, I've tried everything and I'm tired of fighting to pull it together and of being unhappy. Maybe its just time for me to move on and live my own life, that seems to be what he wants. He even keeps telling me to find somebody else, I can't believe he can really hate me that much!

Thanks for your support, its nice just to get it off your chest! I really shouldn't be burdening you with this when you have problems of your own, but thanks anyway.

Lady