not too surprised

[winnie]

About 3 years ago my husband of 27 years told me he didn't think he loved me anymore. we have 4 kids and they are all grown except my son who is 17.iv'e always tried to be an attentive wife and also juggle trying to raise the kids.i found a strange number on our phone bill so i called it and a woman answered. i ask him who it was and he said she was a friend and there was nothing going on except talking.since he was always home after work i believed him.But it hurt me cause at this time he wasn't sharing with me .communication between us was almost none excitant. i ask him what we could do to remedy this problem and he said he had thought about leaving but had changed his mind. so for the last 3 years nothing has really changed in our realationship. everytime we made love i felt as if Iwas going through themotions cause afterwards he didn't show me any attention. I carried on everday life as a wife does and continued to doeverything Icould think of to help. about 11 months ago I moved into the spare bedroom,hoping that he would say lets work this out and want me to move back in. All the while i continued to get together with him 2to3 times a week. for sex. I ask him not too long ago if he loved me and he rolled his eyes and said lets don't bring this up again. about 2 months ago I came home from work finding him texting someone on his cell, and he said it was a coworker on a different shift than him and he could tell her things and he trustedher to keep it to herself. I felt hurtcause he didn't confide in me about what might be going on at work or with his life. 1 month ago he started coming home from work acting real depressed ' so I suggested he go to the doctor. The next day i asked him what was wrong and he said he still wanted to leave me and nothin since3 years ago had changed. He said we had grown apart and although he was still concerned over my well being he didn't love me anymore and that this should come as no surprise to me. That was so cold and I just sat there and said O.K. He moved out a week ago and now he wants us to just be friends. He told me and the kids it had nohing to do with another woman.I don't think he was having a physical relationship with any one but I feel this coworker was tring to direct him on what he needed to do. which she should have not interfered with a marriage that could have possibly have worked out if he would have been willing to try. I feel he has no loving feelings for me anymore cause he said it wouldn't bother him to see me with another man in the present. what do you think about this.

[Raymond]

I'm seeing this all the time on this site. "I don't feel I love you anymore".

Love is also a decision, an honouring of the vows made in marriage. I believe good feelings follow correct decisions after a little while. If marriage is built totally on a subjective feeling then we are all in trouble. Thankfully it's not.

Somehow your husband has been deceived into believing he doesn't love you anymore. If we try and look into ourselves to find out if we love anyone we shall more than likely find nothing. Love is an act more than a feeling although feelings will always follow. We have the gift of tremendous feelings leading up to marriage which can last for a couple of years perhaps, but we will need to work at it thereon and relate for who we actually are to the other person after the initial feelings have subsided.

I think your husband is a victim of the deception of our age portrayed in the media and other places, where everything revolves around my feelings of being in love and when that's finished it's over. Whether anything happened with this woman I don't know but it seems likeley she has influenced him.

Marriage should be a far more enduring thing where we purposely love our spouses, appreciate them and try to uderstand them. this gives the bedroom far more meaning.

I think it likeley that your relationship has detioriated because things were not worked on perhaps. Hopefully he will come to his senses. Don't blame yourself. There are other forces against marriage at work all around us in these days. If we can recognise that we can take appropriate steps.

Raymond

[winnie]

thank you for your thoughts on this. I tried to tell him that exactly what you were talking about. I showed him love everyday in the ways I realated to him It seems that all he did was try to push me away. He calls the house almost everyday to check on our son and it seems to me that he misses being here but I feel like this decision he made to leave must be carried out. I told him before he left that I hoped he wasn't making a mistake. I feel as if he will not want to return so I am getting on with my life in hpes that someday ,someone will appreciated me for the kind and patient person everyone else sees in me. Thank you Raymond

[Raymond]

I hope you and your son really make it on your own and that this will not damage him and that you are able to make a new life for yourself after all this.

Raymond

[1aokgal]

Dear Winnie....

It is so sad to hear your story of this long time marriage and how you have been thrown away like an old shoe after 27 years. That is the horror story of the ages that one can be a loving and faithful partner and someone then says...I don't love you anymore.

Love is a choice and though things can change in a relationship with the ebb and flow of time, children and circumstances ....you had a right to expect more from this man. His cell phone games and such sound disgusting and hurtful.

You are going to need healing time and a lot of survival skills to carry yourself and family without the main breadwinner..as I beleive him to be. You should get good legal advise on what help is available for you and your children financially. Then you have to nourish yourself and keep well and use help from family and friends to get through this time. You sound like a competent woman and good mother. Remember the children have a lot of emotional problems when a father leaves the home so they will need help.

There is life after the end of a marriage/divorce. Today women go on to find a better man in time. Keep yourself attractive and perhaps find a counselling group for separated/divorced or join a singles group at your church. Build up a network of good friends. He treated you badly but maybe this is the best thing that ever happpened in your life. Someday you will love again a better man.
Good luck to you. Keep cheery.