Sexless marriage for religious reasons?

[dragonladi20]

I posted this question in another thread and then noticed a special section for Christian marriages. I would definitely like to get some opinions from a Christian perspective.

I have a different problem. My hubby and I lived together for over a year before we got married. We had a very lively, fulfilling sex life. He proposed and approx. 3 months before the wedding, we stopped having sex. When I asked him about it, he told me that he thought we should "get right before God" before having sex again. It sounded logical b/c he's pretty religious.
On my wedding night, we did not have sex. The next morning, my hubby jumped on me and had business-like sex. At the time, I thought he was going through the motions as if he were making sure I could not get an annulment.
We have not had sex since that time. When I persisted questioning him about the lack of sex, he told me that he would have sex with me if I demanded it. However, he was drunk at the time and I don't believe him. I don't feel I should have to chase him down to have sex. Attempts at seduction have failed although he is more open to the prospect if he's drunk. Unfortunately (or unfortunately depending on your perspective), he doesn't drink. He hasn't had a drink in approx. a year. If he did drink, I think the drinking could become a problem so that's out.
On the other hand, hubby has raised my standard of living an incredible amount. He is kind, caring, gentle, generous, patient and would be a perfect hubby if he would just be sexy again.
Note: He is not having an affair - we are pretty inseparable. He works at home. I stay at home. He doesn't hang out with friends, go to parties, etc. He goes to the store and is back very quickly. He is a homebody who stays at home even more than I do.
He's not gay. He was an enthusiastic, sexy man b4 marriage.
My looks haven't changed and I'm considered quite attractive. I'm confused.
At the present time, I am trying to figure out whether or not I can continue like this. I don't believe in cheating so a decision to remain in the marriage is potentially a death sentence for my sex life (that I used to have).
I believe he has promised God to abstain from sex until he has regained his millionaire status. He is working hard towards that goal and is on his way but it takes time to get back to where he was and meanwhile we're getting older.

What the heck do you think is going on??? How do you think I can get through to him?
http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/images/statusicon/user_online.gif http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/images/buttons/report.gif (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/report.php?p=25559) http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/images/misc/progress.gif

[Raymond]

Ah there you are Dragonladi, you've moved. Help my wife says it is tea time now. Am I meant to say anything?

Briefly what strikes me straight away just as something to think about as a starter is this. Does your husband have a strong conscious? I am thinking particularly in you both having sex before marriage. Would that be something he is having guilt about? You mentioned he talked about getting right with God.

If you can let me know that then we can move on.

God bless you

Raymond

[Raymond]

Hi me again. Had my tea. I must say your problem is pretty unusual. How long have you been married? I get the feeling that there is not a natural reason, but a spiritual reason perhaps. He is clearly capable of sex.

You say that you think he has made a covenant with God that he gives up sex if he can be a millionaire again. What actually makes you think that? It seems a pretty materialistic thing to do which I don't believe God would honour. Is he the type to give lots of money away to good causes or is he selfish with it?

Can I ask what sort of church you both go to? Is Jesus the centre of it or is it a religious sort of place, but with not so much power or love? What I am really asking is are they capable of helping him?

This will set the ball rolling between us. I will pray of course. He seems a very individualistic sort of man with strong character. Am I right?

Let me no about the sex before marriage question Dragonladi. It might or might not have a bearing. Why did you pick that name?

Raymond

[dragonladi20]

Hi, Mike.

Hubby and I had our second anniversary in February.

I never considered that he might be doing penance b/c we did have sex before being married. Once I realized how committed he is to God, I must admit to some surprise at the premarital sex angle myself.

Hubby and I go to a Baptist church - when we attend. We have had some difficulty in find a church that does not have a lot of "political" infighting, jealousy, and powerplays. Both of us find that to be distracting and, in fact, deleterious to our Christian life. It is an unwelcome distraction when we are merely trying to worship.

When we do not attend church, we watch a service on TV on Sunday. Each morning, we read the Bible and hubby takes a special prayer time alone afterwards.

I have always been impressed by my husband's devotion and the fact that he truly does live his religion. God is always in this thoughts and in his actions towards others. I truly admire that about him.

I, too, believe that there is a religious source to our problem but have not been able to figure it out. It does not help that he refuses to accept counseling from the pastor on this. He feels it has to do with his personal relationship with God.

(Dragonladi is kind of a catch-all name that I use for the internet. No special significance - unless I'm playing on-line poker, that is. lol)

[Raymond]

Dear Abby

You will find all sorts of opinions about abstinence floating around. Orthodox Christian teaching is quite clear. Sex is a wonderful gift to be enjoyed in marriage.

Having sex before marriage is damaging especially if you want to be faithful to Jesus. It can be done.

I agree with what is said about leaving a bit of your self behind in each sexual encounter. This is particularly true for women, but it is also true for men. Sierra won't agree but he is not looking at things from a Christian view. The situation looks different to him.

We have recently had a TV series called "No sex please we are teenagers" (http://www.romanceacademy.org/) here in the UK. The young people chose tos top at kissing. They struggled to abstain from the sexual lifestyle they had already developed but grew in self respect and understanding about what relationships are really about.

Don't be taken in by the "everybody's doing it therefore it's ok" message that is in our culture.

In your own situation, why not foucs on really getting to know each other as friends and find out if you want to marry. Then get on and marry and enjoy a wonderful sexual relationship. In the meantime why complicate it with activities that will tempt you down the path towards a full sexual relationship. It's very hard to draw the line and stop if you are giving each other pleasure with foreplay. Sort out what you want for the long term future and then enjoy God's gift in His way. The bible is clear that sex before marriage is wrong and apart from finding it harder to stop if you are using foreplay, you are still attempting an intimacy which is meant for marriage.

For books on the subject try eros defiled (http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0877847819/2in21/) and an excellent leaflet from Nicky Gumbel Is there anything wrong with sex before marriage (http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1842910558/2in21/) published by Alpha (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/services/htb/).

Best wishes for the future

Liz

I didn't write this it was on the site when I got into it.

Raymond

[Raymond]

Hi Dragonladi, the previous message came up when I logged on. I don't know where it came from, but it is interesting.

Thinking about your husband there may well be some guilt there for indulging before marriage, but no amount of penance can ever remove that guilt. If there is guilt there because he believes he didn't act correctly in the situation and it was on his conscience he needs to bring it to God and receive His forgiveness. We are always promised forgiveness where there is repentance. The enemy will try and keep us in guilt and condemnation, but if Jesus took it and we have repented we do not need to carry it. That is one of the main points of the gospel. I say this in case it is that. You are the only one who would know or would be able to find out if it is that or not.

This I do know that it is God's will that you both flourish in the sexual area of marriage (as well as in other areas). It is commendable that your husband has self control and discipline, but I believe it is seriously misplaced in this instance. I don't think any strong and mature christian would sanction his actions in this, even though he may be doing well in other areas.

It's a shame about the churches you go to. There are a lot of good churches around. It would help if he had good fellowship. I,m glad you enjoy something on TV on Sundays, but communication with mature christians would help your situation and break down his independence a little I feel. I enjoy Joyce Meyer at breakfast time. You can get it on http://www.joycemeyer.org/ if you're interested. she makes a lot of sense to me.

If there was a way to get your husband to see what he was doing to you it would be great. No doubt you have talked about it and I am sure you are praying (aren't you). If you had special christian friends you could ask them to pray as well.

Raymond

[dragonladi20]

Raymond,

Hi, thanks for taking the time to respond so thoughtfully.

Hubby and I actually do attend church. We simply don't attend church every Sunday b/c the politics get to be too much. We take a break, watch the TV ministeries for a couple of weeks, and then go back to church. We are still "church-shopping" to find a more suitable home.

Hubby would NEVER discuss this with our Christian friends - just as he won't discuss it with our pastor. He is old-fashioned in this way.

The sex before marriage issue caused me some concern and I clearly recall our discussion on the subject. I asked him how he could reconcile it with his conscience and he replied "Christians need love, too." - which made me laugh and, actually, now that I think about it, lulled me into a false sense of security!!!

Both hubby and I enjoy Joyce Meyer and several others. We like T.D. Jakes, Creflo & Taffy Dollar, also. There is also another gentleman that I really enjoy who is more Scripture oriented than the others but whose name escapes me at the moment. I can actually recall Taffy Dollar speaking about sex in a Christian marriage. Although he seemed to be paying attention, I recall thinking that hubby had completely tuned her out. I have been and will continue praying.

I shall look at the references you have so kindly provided.

Thanks again!

[Raymond]

Hi Dragonladi again. A bit of light reading for you if you are interested. If not just log off. I hope you are not offended. They are christians but are pretty frank. http://www.themarriagebed.com/boards/viewtopic.php?t=23563&highlight=abstinence

Raymond

[dragonladi20]

Hi Dragonladi again. A bit of light reading for you if you are interested. If not just log off. I hope you are not offended. They are christians but are pretty frank. http://www.themarriagebed.com/boards/viewtopic.php?t=23563&highlight=abstinence

Raymond

Thank you so much. It looks like this site will be rather enlightening! Judging from what I've read so far, at the very least I'll be counting my blessings. I guess my situation could be even worse. Life is just full of surprises, isn't it? I'm a bit pensive tonight - I could never have imagined I'd be in this position.

[Raymond]

Obviously you have to sift what you read on there Dragonladi, but there is good stuff amongst it if you find the right threads.

I was thinking this morning is your husband sacrificing everything for money, even his sex life and yours?

Just a thought.

Raymond

[Raymond]

I could never have imagined I'd be in this position

What did you mean by that. the website or your position in marriage?

Raymond

[GRanrock]

I can't imagine a "sexless" marriage, and I'm assuming that many who view this forum are Christians, are at least believe in Bible principles. Here's what the New Testament says about sex in marriage:


1 Corinthians 7 (The Message Bible Translation)

To Be Married, to Be Single . . .

1 Now, getting down to the questions you asked in your letter to me. First, Is it a good thing to have sexual relations? 2-6Certainly—but only within a certain context. It's good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it's for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I'm not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them. 7Sometimes I wish everyone were single like me—a simpler life in many ways! But celibacy is not for everyone any more than marriage is. God gives the gift of the single life to some, the gift of the married life to others.

[Raymond]

A good translation Granrock. It brings out a lot.

Raymond