View Full Version : Help
Unregistered
2nd October 2001, 05:01 AM
I met my now wife over the net 2 years ago.We got along great & kept in constant contact.She lives in Australia & I lived in the USA.I'm 34 years old & she's 23 years old.The first time we met face to face was when I flew out to see her in August 2000.For the 2 weeks I was out there things went great.Then I flew back home & we continued to keep in contact.I couldn't be away from her any more so I moved to Australia in March of 2001.We got married in May 2001.Now it's not even been 6 months since we got married and things are falling apart.We almost constantly fight.We don't see eye to eye on anything.Sometimes our fights get ugly with name calling & things like that.When I see my wife upset I try & comfort her but she just gets more upset.during our fights she'll say things like "I wish I never married you" and things like that.we had a wedding video made & she refuses to watch it with me.She doesn't even like talking about our wedding.Another problem is that she has a very high sex drive & I don't.When she's in the mood I'm not & vice versa.She think's everything that's going wrong is because of her but I try & comfort her & tell her it's not.She keeps saying she wants out & then she doesn't & we make up.We both love & care for each other but how long can this keep going on?She asks me to change things she doesn't like about me & I do try really hard but it's not good enough for her.Any advice would help.
Liz
4th October 2001, 06:10 PM
The first years of marriage can be very stressful and you two didn't have much time to get to know each other beforehand. Your wife sounds rather unconfident and unsure of herself. There is also the added challenge of cultural differences that can affect the way we "hear" others and judge their behaviour.
There are a number of areas you mention where there are challenges: resolving conflict (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthconflict/), different sexual needs (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthsex/), basic relationship skills (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/), etc. There are various areas of the site where you can find information on these things and I've put some links in.
You might also find it helpful to talk to friends who've been married longer or even get some counselling (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/). It may just be that you've missed out on some of the getting to know each other that other couples will go through before they marry.
There are some good books about adjusting to married life (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthearly/) around as well. If you found one that suited you, you could read a chapter at a time and then talk about the issues that come up.
Perhaps at some point in the future a marriage enrichment programme (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) would be valuable for you.
You probably have more challenges to face than many other couples, but if you're patient, gentle and persevere, then things may begin to improve.
Unregistered
5th October 2001, 07:09 AM
Thanx for your advice but things have gotten worse since I posted my message.We still fight & she says she's not happy any more.She tells me I'm the reason she gets angry & frustrated so much because she was never like this before.We got into such a HUGE blowout a few days ago I lost touch with everything & instead of walking away because she was crying & saying mean things to me I picked up a glass cup & smashed it against my forehead which resulted in me getting 10 stitches.I honestly don't know why I did it.I've NEVER done anything so stupid & unlike me ever.She still keeps talking about seperating & then the following day she'll forget what she said & act like everything's ok.I told her I'd go for help but I told her she might need help to but blamed me for her outbursts when we argue.
Kate
8th October 2001, 10:21 AM
I really would suggest that you go and get some outside help. You could talk to your doctor and see if you can get referred for some counselling, or you can approach an appropriate local counseling group directly. We don't know what is available in Australia, but you could try the phone book, your doctor's surgery or the local church for information. Don't just let this fester. You both need help to understand what is going on and to learn to communicate better and how to deal with the frustration and anger you are feeling and the uncertainty of the situation. If your wife won't go at first, then go on your own, and she may be willing to come along later.
Keep in touch,
Kate
Unregistered
18th October 2001, 02:35 AM
Kate thank for all your advice.But nothing I do seems to work.My wife now tells me that she loves me but isn't "in" love with me.I asked her why she felt this way & she said she's been feeling that way for a while because of all the hurt she carries around inside her because of our arguments.I asked her if she isn't "in" love with me then why does she want to be with me.She told me that half of her feels like moving on & the other half doesn't.She said she doesn't want to see me hurt because of how many times I've been hurt in the past.Then later on she tells me she's starting to fall back in love with me.Very confusing to me.We didn't argue about this but we talked about like 2 adults.One minute we're getting along & the next something small might set her off & we argue.When we do argue she talks about leaving/divorcing me.Then she feels bad for me & starts acting loving towards me.The other problem we're having is our intimacy.She wants to make love almost all the time & I don't.Our sex drives are totally different.I try pleasing her in other ways but it seems to always lead to making love.I can't even kiss her without her becoming "in the mood".I don't know if it has something to do with our age difference(me being 34 & her being 23) or not.We do go out on dates,etc.But everything seems to almost end up dealing with our intimacy.
Kate
19th October 2001, 06:43 PM
Good to hear from you again.
The first thing that strikes me is your wife's use on words like love and "in love". In love tends to refer to romantic positive feelings that carry us along, but which are not sufficient when life gets a bit bumpy. Love is about decision, action and commitment. So when she says she loves you but isn't in love, I think she's saying that she doesn't always feel romantically loving towards you. (See All you need is love (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/loveis/).)
It sounds as if both of you are confused about what marriage is about, what you expect from it and about how to resolve your differences. Have you talked about getting some counselling with someone to help you work through your issues and come out the other side stronger? There are a number of books reviewed on the site which might help as I mentioned in earlier postings.
Sexual needs can change, so don't assume you are always going to be in this situation, but have you tried talking about your physical relationship, your expectations of each other, what turns you on, what doesn't, even how often you think is "usual" to make love. What is it that bothers you about making love so often. Is there some need in you that is not being met when this happens?
If it's difficult to talk, then why not agree some questions together and write your answers down, swap over and read what is said, agreeing first that you are going to accept what is said and not try to change each other. What really works in marriage is when you don't pressurise the other to change, but you can each feel free to choose for yourself to change for the sake and benefit of the other.
There is a wealth of information on the site that I referred to earlier. Perhaps it's difficult to know where to start. Might I suggest sorting out perhaps what you mean when you talk of love and in love, finding ways to argue constructively (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthconflict/) and if necessary seeking counselling (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/).
Last of all, does it matter that your wife seems to be sending confusing signals? Can you accept that that is where she is and rather than trying to solve it all at once, just try to take little steps forward to understand her and work with her.
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