Hopeful0788
8th May 2007, 05:30 PM
This is kinda long but please bare with me and read it....
Okay. Life just hit me. My husband is talking to me about when does he get to feel better, when does he get to feel good blah blah blah and I was explaining to him that he never gave me a chance to show him any positive feelings because I was always trying to recover from the last blow and waiting for the next one..... (alcohol, drugs, women, etc not actual violence).
He asked me who was I actually angry with because I was so filled with rage. I explained that I was angry with him and for the first time I really realized HOW angry I am with me. Why am I so stupid, why do I keep allowing these things to happen to me, etc, etc.... He said "poor you, always the victim and never realizing how horrible you treat everyone else". A few things hit me just that moment, one was just how much I truly do want to get away from my husband. The other was that he is right. I have been so busy playing the victim that I never realized how I am behaving to others.
So, I told him he was right and that I have been hateful and mean and his words - "trying to manipulate the world and everybody in it" to suit what I want because I was tired of not getting what I wanted. He asked if I ever considered trying to allow people to make their own mistakes and be who they really are. I said I would if people would stop sucking me into all their problems.
He then explained how they seek me for advice because I am geniuly a good person but I suck myself in by trying to fix their problem instead of giving advice and then I get mad at them when I fail. He also said I am not failing anyone but myself. Smart man as I agree with all of the above.
So now what -
1. I do not want to be married to him, however, he says if I would look at myelf instead of him that I would want to and that maybe if I would let him be who he is supposed to be instead of trying to make him something he is not then I might like the person he is. I do not like him nor the person he is or has been. He says I have never gotten to see him for who he is because I was trying to create who I wanted him to be. I explained that I agreed but I knew that he couldn't be what I wanted him to be and that I wasn't willing to settle anymore and couldn't trust that the person he is supposed to be is good as he has only shown me evil. Yes - at this point I am selfish. He agreed and we ended the conversation.
2. He is right about everything he said about me so how do I change the person I have been for the past 30 years. I have no idea where to go or what to do next but I know that I have to stop my behavior and stop getting myself into this position.
Any advice? Thanks for reading and yes, I know Raymond, I am being too susceptible to others advice but I can't seem to hear myself or God at this particular time so I am hoping that maybe he will talk to me through someone else. (Please don't be offended, not being sarcastic but very sincere).
Okay. Life just hit me. My husband is talking to me about when does he get to feel better, when does he get to feel good blah blah blah and I was explaining to him that he never gave me a chance to show him any positive feelings because I was always trying to recover from the last blow and waiting for the next one..... (alcohol, drugs, women, etc not actual violence).
He asked me who was I actually angry with because I was so filled with rage. I explained that I was angry with him and for the first time I really realized HOW angry I am with me. Why am I so stupid, why do I keep allowing these things to happen to me, etc, etc.... He said "poor you, always the victim and never realizing how horrible you treat everyone else". A few things hit me just that moment, one was just how much I truly do want to get away from my husband. The other was that he is right. I have been so busy playing the victim that I never realized how I am behaving to others.
So, I told him he was right and that I have been hateful and mean and his words - "trying to manipulate the world and everybody in it" to suit what I want because I was tired of not getting what I wanted. He asked if I ever considered trying to allow people to make their own mistakes and be who they really are. I said I would if people would stop sucking me into all their problems.
He then explained how they seek me for advice because I am geniuly a good person but I suck myself in by trying to fix their problem instead of giving advice and then I get mad at them when I fail. He also said I am not failing anyone but myself. Smart man as I agree with all of the above.
So now what -
1. I do not want to be married to him, however, he says if I would look at myelf instead of him that I would want to and that maybe if I would let him be who he is supposed to be instead of trying to make him something he is not then I might like the person he is. I do not like him nor the person he is or has been. He says I have never gotten to see him for who he is because I was trying to create who I wanted him to be. I explained that I agreed but I knew that he couldn't be what I wanted him to be and that I wasn't willing to settle anymore and couldn't trust that the person he is supposed to be is good as he has only shown me evil. Yes - at this point I am selfish. He agreed and we ended the conversation.
2. He is right about everything he said about me so how do I change the person I have been for the past 30 years. I have no idea where to go or what to do next but I know that I have to stop my behavior and stop getting myself into this position.
Any advice? Thanks for reading and yes, I know Raymond, I am being too susceptible to others advice but I can't seem to hear myself or God at this particular time so I am hoping that maybe he will talk to me through someone else. (Please don't be offended, not being sarcastic but very sincere).