susi
6th May 2007, 09:49 PM
Hi guys,
and hi hopeful 0788, thank you so much for thinking of me, that means such a lot. I've decided I'll keep posting here; the fact that my h read my recent posts and made fun of them really knocked me for six but hey,this is my thing and I am the one meeting all these amazing people, not him.
Well, I got through my holiday...it was weird, to say the least, but I am really pleased I went. Luckily the place was gorgeous, and they had room service because I couldn't really face going out at night on my own, watching all those loved-up couples...I did a heck of a lot of thinking (has anyone read "After the Affair", published by Relate?), and a lot of writing down my feelings and thoughts. My h rang me the first night I was away, saying how much he missed me....and I kind of lost it one night, feeling so sad and desperate, I rang him, and he phoned back straight away. Seems to me at least the neighbours have been trying their utmost not to let him and the girl spend any time by themselves, to the extend of staying around for a film they had seen several times themselves etc. Which I thought was quite touching really...
Well, so I got back and it was my birthday the day after. I met up with friends for brunch, which was lovely, and then he had promised to get a takeaway and a film, and we would spend the evening together. Unfortunately he was in a foul mood, because he had had a bad day at work, and he kept taking it out on me, and the whole thing felt really artificial and didn't go very well. I stayed away the following night, having arranged to stay with one of my really lovely female friends. When I came back the night after that he was "serenading" the girl (literally singing to her underneath her window - for Christsake!!). As soon as I arrived he went over to me, asking me about my day etc. It was pretty clear he had had too much to drink so he was really emotional, saying how much he loved me, how was worried this was the worst decision of his life, and we kind of spent quite a loving evening together. I have to say, even though I know it's not supposed to mean anything, it made me feel good.
Thing is, the basic problem is still there. I am convinced he is lying to me (and himself??) about the girl; he keeps saying the main issue is the gay thing but at the same time I see messages saying "at least we got to see each other tonight, I love you so much, you mean everything to me" from her, and from him saying"waiting for the day we can be together" (and then still claiming it's song lyrics and he feels for her like his little sister). I feel so confused because my instincts tell me he is lying to me but then he is being so convincing when he comes up with all his excuses - maybe the reason is that he has even convinced himself that he is doing nothing wrong?? This weekend he told me he is going camping with his best (gay)friend, but the girl has also been away all weekend........
I suppose the main probloem for me is that I feel I can't move on while still stuck in this limbo of trying to find out what's really going on. I feel I want to have a really open talk with him; maybe not just about the girl but simply about why he feels he has been unhappy in our marriage. Do you think that's a good idea, or do you think I am just wasting my time? I don't think I can confront him as such as he always gets really angry and defensive when I bring up the subject of the girl, and he accuses me of always having been too jealous.
Well, just to bore you with another example; he had been skyping people from all over the world a few months back, and I noticed there was this girl from Russia who had started sending him love messages. I asked him if he had told her he was married, and he said no. He then did tell her, and told me almost accusingly that she had now stopped contacting him - as if it was my fault he had lost "a friend"!!! Well, I noticed the other day he has started contacting her again as there were a few new skype photos of her on his laptop. I mean, surely I am right to object to him doing that sort of thing, aren't I???
I am still so confused, I would really appreciate any thoughts on the whole mess.
Anyway, Jo, Anne, Hopeful and Helen, how are you all doing?
Susi xxx
and hi hopeful 0788, thank you so much for thinking of me, that means such a lot. I've decided I'll keep posting here; the fact that my h read my recent posts and made fun of them really knocked me for six but hey,this is my thing and I am the one meeting all these amazing people, not him.
Well, I got through my holiday...it was weird, to say the least, but I am really pleased I went. Luckily the place was gorgeous, and they had room service because I couldn't really face going out at night on my own, watching all those loved-up couples...I did a heck of a lot of thinking (has anyone read "After the Affair", published by Relate?), and a lot of writing down my feelings and thoughts. My h rang me the first night I was away, saying how much he missed me....and I kind of lost it one night, feeling so sad and desperate, I rang him, and he phoned back straight away. Seems to me at least the neighbours have been trying their utmost not to let him and the girl spend any time by themselves, to the extend of staying around for a film they had seen several times themselves etc. Which I thought was quite touching really...
Well, so I got back and it was my birthday the day after. I met up with friends for brunch, which was lovely, and then he had promised to get a takeaway and a film, and we would spend the evening together. Unfortunately he was in a foul mood, because he had had a bad day at work, and he kept taking it out on me, and the whole thing felt really artificial and didn't go very well. I stayed away the following night, having arranged to stay with one of my really lovely female friends. When I came back the night after that he was "serenading" the girl (literally singing to her underneath her window - for Christsake!!). As soon as I arrived he went over to me, asking me about my day etc. It was pretty clear he had had too much to drink so he was really emotional, saying how much he loved me, how was worried this was the worst decision of his life, and we kind of spent quite a loving evening together. I have to say, even though I know it's not supposed to mean anything, it made me feel good.
Thing is, the basic problem is still there. I am convinced he is lying to me (and himself??) about the girl; he keeps saying the main issue is the gay thing but at the same time I see messages saying "at least we got to see each other tonight, I love you so much, you mean everything to me" from her, and from him saying"waiting for the day we can be together" (and then still claiming it's song lyrics and he feels for her like his little sister). I feel so confused because my instincts tell me he is lying to me but then he is being so convincing when he comes up with all his excuses - maybe the reason is that he has even convinced himself that he is doing nothing wrong?? This weekend he told me he is going camping with his best (gay)friend, but the girl has also been away all weekend........
I suppose the main probloem for me is that I feel I can't move on while still stuck in this limbo of trying to find out what's really going on. I feel I want to have a really open talk with him; maybe not just about the girl but simply about why he feels he has been unhappy in our marriage. Do you think that's a good idea, or do you think I am just wasting my time? I don't think I can confront him as such as he always gets really angry and defensive when I bring up the subject of the girl, and he accuses me of always having been too jealous.
Well, just to bore you with another example; he had been skyping people from all over the world a few months back, and I noticed there was this girl from Russia who had started sending him love messages. I asked him if he had told her he was married, and he said no. He then did tell her, and told me almost accusingly that she had now stopped contacting him - as if it was my fault he had lost "a friend"!!! Well, I noticed the other day he has started contacting her again as there were a few new skype photos of her on his laptop. I mean, surely I am right to object to him doing that sort of thing, aren't I???
I am still so confused, I would really appreciate any thoughts on the whole mess.
Anyway, Jo, Anne, Hopeful and Helen, how are you all doing?
Susi xxx