Just lost the plot

[Marcia]

Thought I'd start a new thread on my troubles and tribulations. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I am consumed with anger, all my life is consumed with anger. I initially contributed under the sexless marriage thread but don't want to bog that down with side chat.

I think I must be mad. H came home couple of days ago, I pick him up from the station which is only 10 mins away, and he was just so damned rude and when I told him not to be so ***** rude, he shouted and screamed that I don't know wht rudeness is. I do, I said, I live with a pig! Oh dear. So we don't talk and the following day he just stays in bed all day watching the TV which he always does when we have a blow up. That alone absolutely infuriates me. Lovely sunny day, how the hell can you hide in bed all day. What is wrong with him, us?

Last night I ignore his phone call to come pick him up, and when he came home he had bought some T-Shirts for our son, (who he has no time for), some exotic bread from M&S to go with dinner and some silly little fancy photo hold thingy for me, which he didn't give me, but left on the dressing table for me to find. What the hell is wrong with him, with us.

Sounds all so trivial but so typical of what goes on around me. He is impossible to communicate with and I end up thinking it must be me, and I've just got it all wrong and I am in fact just inadequate and quite, quite mad. He's told me I am mad and that my problems are nothing to do with him. Apparently I just like my mother!!

I am going to Relate next Tuesday in desperation of someone to talk to and to try to get something from another viewpoint and what is really going on and what I can do.

Just wanted to vent. Life just seems very grim at the moment. I'm off to do my volunteer bit now. At least that's enjoyable and away from here.

[Raymond]

Marcia, try and see the good side of your husband and not only the bad. We can only change ourselves not our spouses, but if we change they might want to change. Obviously he has his own problems. O.K. he didn't give you the presents directly, but at least he bought them, had you in mind so to speak. He is obviously very upset at your outbursts and there is a weakness there, but at least he is sensitive and what you do affects him.

I think if you were more positive about the good things you have and encouraged a little things would change a lot. It is very easy to be negative and criticise, much harder to praise and encourage, which is what we all need.

Raymond

[1aokgal]

Your husband was SO deeply depressed he stayed in bed all day. That is like wishing yourself NOT to exist! How does it feel to be responsible for making someone that unhappy?

Egad.......he brought you the little trinkets as a peace offering. How sad...you still cannot approve of someone who tries so hard to please you? Go do your volunteer thing somewhere else. While Rome is burning (your marriage) you fiddle somewhere else. Does that volunteerism make you feel good about yourself?

Here is a strategy. Reread your letter. There is more darn meaness in your dealing with your marriage than one can paint for you. Where is your kindness? Where do you see the man you promised to love in your eyes? It is obvious you do not respect or even like him. Let me understand this. You are the VOLUNTEER.

That means you are a FREEBY somewhere as in......NOT earning a living? You are FREE to come and go as you like making people feel good.

Your husband is NOT a FREEBY, he is not FREE to come and go as he pleases. He is a captive audience to the work world. He labors to.... put a......dare I say it??? ROOF.......over your nonfeeling little head. What does he get for to supply the groceries for you? He is the pig, you said. Got a mirror? Get a personal look at a real nasty person.

Do you have an idea of how many women would like to have a good guy who will go do a days work to make their little buns secure? There are so many women who would treat such a man like a king. I would suggest you take stock of you ...and him. I bet he is a real nice man because he did NOT knock you through a wall where you should be knocked through once.

You do not have a CLUE what being a woman is all about if you think you are a fine catch. . You do not have a clue what it means to love and be loved. If your husband ever smartens up to that he will leave you flat and move on down the pike to someone who will kiss him when he comes home and ask him if he wants to take his shower before dinner is ready. If you put that kind of love out there you might get back such a rich reward.

Do this without expecting anything in return and maybe you will get the biggest return of all ....someone who will love you until their last breath. Be worthy of that kind of devotion and you might find a happy life. Make HIM your volunteer project and then write us how life has changed for you.

1AOKGAL

[Marcia]

How dare you write such rubbish when you don't know anything about me and haven't troubled to read my earlier posts about 30 years of marriage problems. As for getting some kind of free ride you cheeky sod, I've just retired from a 40 YEAR FULL TIME WORKING LIFE, and still raised a family, and I have been THE BREADWINNER and kept a roof over our heads for the past 30 years whilst my husband who is an alcoholic pissed two businesses down the drain nearly losing our home on both occasions. AND it will be the pensions I'VE earned that will keep us in our old age too. I have had a very hard life with my husband who is actually a selfish man and a woman with less character and fortitude than me, would have left him to drink his life away and end up in the gutter years and years ago. But I didn't. I've supported him and propped him up and got him out of more scrapes and holes than you can possibly know exist.

I don't know whether you are male or female, and don't much care. But I suggest you get with some facts before you mouth off again on something about which you know absolutely nothing.

AND finally for your information, my h isn't depressed. Staying in bed is his way of avoiding taking any responsibility for ANYTHING in his life. That's what alcoholics do. Not that you'd know that, or much else it would seem.

[1aokgal]

Marcia...

I did read your ealier posts. You have been telling your husband of many years how lucky he is to have you and you certainly do think well of yourself.
You said before in one of your posts you wished you were free. Why not do your poor man a favor and make that a reality? It is obvious you despise and insult him and have no desire to make a harmonious life with him.

In fact you sound as a miserable person through most of your posts. Destined to be a loser who makes everyone around her miserable as my mother would have described your scenario. You are consumed with anger and hatred. A fly on your wall would vomit and die there is so much poison in the air from your self pity. I do feel terribly sorry for the man as I think your mouth and behavior would likely lead a strong man to the licquor.

I gave you good advise whether you like it or not to look really in the mirror and develop a sense of humility. You are lucky he stays...most would not. You will likely make each other even more miserable as the years pass. There is no love in you except that admiration you reserve for yourself.

Bet you spend every waking minute reciting this man's luck he got you. How glorious it must be to be Marcia who carried him along. Run...do not walk to the nearest church and ask for some humility and kindness. You are destined to be
alone, I think. The dear man will get fed up and hit the highway and may have the luck to find a good woman.

1AOKGAL

[Marcia]

You were entirely wrong in your massive assumptions but not big enough to admit it, and probably what you have written is really more about something much closer to you than to my problems. So do stop digging yourself in. You are obviously an ignorant and silly smug woman who knows nothing and understands even less about people, and even less about me. It's you who needs indeed to learn something about humility, and fast. Now, please just go away. Don't comment on things about which you very obviously know absolutely nothing and of which you have no experience. Oh, and BTW. my h is extremely lucky to have me, and he'd be the first one to tell you so.

[1aokgal]

Likely you relate all the time to the poor guy there how "lucky" he is to have you. He hears you through a closed door or from bed where he retreats. Funny, how someone so superior as yourself cannot get it that you drag your misery with you and wear it like a sweater. You put all the responsibility on your partner.

People who live as you choose generally develop disease related to stress. If you made some concerted effort you might reconnect to your husband. There must have been a lot of good in him for someone so great as yourself to select him. Narcissism makes it all about you and it isn't all about you. Perhaps you can rediscover a nice person as you might be instead of the cold shrewish partner you seem today?

When we are unhappy we often develop coping skillls that are not pretty. Maybe you are blinded like a horse going forward and don't get the picture? If you reread your posts you paint him as the bad guy and you are the poor victim. There is no empathy in your whole body for someone you chose to love. Maybe you decided for the long term you like misery? You are the acid tongued poor survivor you relate to us here. Perhaps you help to change some of the nasty scenario to be more harmonious. Everyone on here cheers for a person to become happier and change some negatives for better. Just a suggestion.

[Marcia]

You just carry on clinging with your death grip to your Beatrice Potter version of life and leave the rest of us to cope with real life best we can. You don't know what you're talking about. Your life experience must be very limited indeed. You're about as unbelievably smug as anyone could be. Hope you have the back bone to cope when it all comes crashing down around your ears as it surely will. Wonder how smug you'll be then. Bye.

[1aokgal]

Marcia.......


I will cling to my Beatrix Potter view of life and do it "Pollyanna" style..if you remember those lovely stories. Life can be very grim without humor and MAX effort to alter some negative aspects in a relationship. I am sure I can match your sad stories with life experiences but no gain to dwell on past but strive for future.

When one is NOT too old to learn or so in love with themselves.... one can often make life better for others. Love given freely is never wasted.

I have no desire to cramp your style. Continue to wail at the wall. You don't have a lot to offer but you wish to have a lot of sympathy. You will bring chaos and never peace into your home.

There is no giving in you. Sad.

[David H]

1aokgal: "Your husband was SO deeply depressed he stayed in bed all day. That is like wishing yourself NOT to exist! How does it feel to be responsible for making someone that unhappy?"

Hey okgal, I think you are being very harsh and judgmental here!

I think maybe there is some projection on your part in this thread -- It seems to me that Marcia is triggering something in you and you feel like attacking her!

(Yes, I know, I've done it to others as well! Not here, (I hope!) but I have done it!)

She needs and deserves support and as little judgment as possible, particularly when she starts a "venting" thread.... We all need this!

The man is depressed; I doubt that is Marcia's fault! She sounds very frustrated with her situation....

It is very, very difficult being the partner of a depressed person, particularly if it goes on for any length of time and the depressed person is in denial and won't seek treatment.

And out of difficulty comes frustration and out of frustration comes anger... haven't we all been there before?!!

David

[1aokgal]

Suggest you read other posts by Marcia.
It is all about her. Got your point though
Claudette

[David H]

1aokgal: "Suggest you read other posts by Marcia. It is all about her. "

Well, that's something she may try to address...

"Got your point though Claudette"

Ok, I've haven't done any reading in "Coffee Shop Chat" .... Maybe I should?!!

So she niggles you! That often happens to me with others and most times I don't even notice it's happening! And if I am honest with myself, the truth is some people irritate me purely because they remind me of me!

Even though your comments/observations may be true -- it is "judgmental" rather than supportive!

Being judgmental can often hurt the recipient and most times that is not the intention -- And I've done it before....

And what makes you think she didn't take notice of your comments in this thread? You might be surprised!

BTW, I've said to my daughter (and ex-wife) many times when she has had a moan to me about a partner, "Be nice to him..."; and it does work!

Take care!

David

[1aokgal]

Dear David...

You have not read other posts. There is history. Marcia does not niggle me. She is so far from my own problem solving as I note each are responsible in a marriage. She has nothing to do with my way of thinking. This area is supposed to be a help/outlet area. Your post is judgmental as you are just on the spot and read a couple posts.

It appears from the posts Marcia has no desire to add any help to her situation and seems to be a self pitying whiner who takes no responsibility whatsover in the problems. That offers no solutions and seems counter productive for her. It is unfair to discuss her here with you. Your comment has been noted.

[David H]

Dear David...

You have not read other posts. There is history. Marcia does not niggle me. She is so far from my own problem solving as I note each are responsible in a marriage. She has nothing to do with my way of thinking. This area is supposed to be a help/outlet area. Your post is judgmental as you are just on the spot and read a couple posts.

It appears from the posts Marcia has no desire to add any help to her situation and seems to be a self pitying whiner who takes no responsibility whatsover in the problems. That offers no solutions and seems counter productive for her. It is unfair to discuss her here with you. Your comment has been noted.

Ok, all your comments noted and the ones directed towards me are accepted. I'm not looking to fall out with you....

David

[1aokgal]

Lord, no...nor I either. Let us just say I probably live life rather Pollyanna and try to stay positive and keep a courageous spirit even through crap.

I had mental health under grad work but no degree in counselling. I sure had some personal heavy life experience. When you believe things can change through intervention, prayer, effort, etc. That is often a simplisitic approach. My track record has been one of altruism as this deflects from some issues that resist change outside my ability. (That is when you change what you can and get smart enough to stop whining over what you cannot change.)

I did work on suicide crisis phone line for a year. That was exposure at it's finest to problems. You can comment to me anytime. If I had it all figured in my own life I would not post here.

[Marcia]

Hi David. Nice to see your input. Too tired to go any further, but will come back to this thread. Spent most of the day at the hospital with H, but good news so very happy about that. He won't get better, but at least he's having a good period. Yes he does suffer from depession, but to understand the reasons why you have to understand the pattern of behaviour pretty common to most alcoholics. And you have to live with it to understand how this impacts on his family and the emotional damage it does. Will let you know how I'm getting on. Take care!

Any news on the job front yet???? XX