My wife wants space.

[splashsam]

About 2 months ago I noticed my wife was becoming distant. I brought it up and told her there is something wrong and what was it. She told me she was stressed out. She was distant from me, my daughter and her parents. She is pregnant and 6 months along so I thought it was that. Well 2 weeks went buy and nothing got better so I brought it up and said what is it you want out, and that is when she dropped the bomb shell. Well she said she was unhappy and i didnt spent enought time with her. So I started trying to take her out and hang out with her more. That is when she told me she needed space, but I couldnt understand becuase space is what caused this. Will 2 weeks ago I moved out so she could have space, I only did it because that is what she wanted. Yesterday we had our 3 appointment with the marraige counsler and first time she didnt say i was bothering her. She just said she needs the space to work it out. She stopped going to church before this happened and I know if she goes back we will be on the road to recovery. The only thing I can do is back off and let her work it out. Let GOD work too. It took me a month to relieze this. The only thing that bothers me is how long. She is due to have the baby in 3months Im I going to have to wait tell then.

[Raymond]

One doesn't know how long it will be Splashsam but at least she is seeking help and I know you are praying. Pray that she gets the right counseling. It is not clear what the problem is from what you are saying, but at least you have a fellowship around you. If you are comitted to her for the long term these things can be worked out. Have patience and do what you can to help her. I know it's difficult.

Raymond

[splashsam]

She says the problem is I dont spend enough time with her. She is also pregnant which I think it plays apart. She says it doesnt and been unhappy for awhile. Which to me doesnt make since, since she is the one that wanted to get pregnant again and i was not ready. I moved back in the house yesterday and told her Im the one that didnt want this and Im not going to make myself misarable. I will give her the space. Come to find out on Saturday I sent her this email that pored my heart out and she turned around and foward to a friend of hers. This friend pretty much said I was full of it and didnt want to spend time with her and etc. She only met this friend 3 months ago and Ive never meet her. So I think this is part of the problem and that is why I decided to move back in.

[Raymond]

I'm getting confused now Splasham, maybe I'm tired. She keeps saying you do not want to spend time with her. You say you do want to spend time with her. She says she needs time alone. Where is this all leading?

Raymond

[splashsam]

Now you no why Im confused. She says that she has been unhappy because I didnt spend enough time with her. And she wanted out. So I started doing more with her and then she says she needs space to find her feeling. Remember she is 6 months pregnant. I dont know anymore at first I thought it was pregnancy related but now I dont know.

[Raymond]

Maybe she is not giving you the right reasons Splashsam. Could it be something else?

On the other hand she could have given up waiting for you to spend time with her and now you are trying, she is past it. There seems to be a cooling off, but you have to continue working to prove to her you care. To some people time is love, to others it's gifts, practical helps, touch. Find her love language. That will help you communicate your love to her.

Raymond

[splashsam]

I think I finely found out the reason. All before this started I noticed a change in her and I thought to myself someone is paying attention to her and that is when I noticed her being more distant. Yesterday I checked her email and found a email from a friend and this friend was saying how a old boyfriend was email her and it was giving her butterflies and knows now how she was feeling with Jason. I think Jason flirting with her and giving her attention mayed her relieze I wasnt spending enough time with her and just made the problem worse. Now she didnt do anything with him, but she is pregnant and her emotion's arent stable. The funny thing is Im not mad about that im more mad about she liad to me after I asked her at the beginning if there was someone giving her attention or she was having feelings toward. This whole time I new she wasent telling me everything. She was really feeling guilty that she was starting to have feeling towards someone else so she backed off. She stopped talking to him. I told her about it yesterday and she said she thought he was cute and just a friend. So yesterday she seemed alot better to me. And she wanted to spend more time with me.

[Raymond]

That's great Slashsam. Sorry to come back so late. I did read your post earlier.

Raymond

[Married for Life]

Hi Splashsam,

It is great that she is warming to you and wanting to spend more time with you. This is your opportunity to demonstrate to her how you feel about her. Without having any goal in mind spend time with her, encourage her with your words, tell her you love her, let her know she is beautiful and how attractive you find her. Do things for her, help her out around the house. Buy her something small to show her you are thinking of her. In fact remember back to when you were dating and you were always trying to catch her attention, do those things. Do those things for long enough and her love for you will deepen. Be consistent in this and do it because you love her and not for any other motive.

The book 'The five love languages' by Gary Chapman may help you to discover the way your wife perceives love, allowing you to focus the attention you give her in a way that makes her feel loved.

[splashsam]

Over the last 2 months have been crazy. 1 month ago we went to the marriage counsler and at that point she told me she was 100 percent done. I thought things were getting better at that time. So when she said that I got up handed her my ring and walked out. Well I ended coming back in after 15 minutes and we talked and she was done and said she knew since she first said it. Will we decided to stay in the house together in seperate rooms. Well a week went bye and I started noticing a change in her, she was asking me to go places with her and spending alot of time with her. This whole time we were talking about are situation and she was actually listening to me without getting irratated. Well as of right now all she wants to do is spend time with me and have me sit with her on the couch. She is 8 months pregnant now too. We just started having sex again, and I notice now she will say I love you first alot more. A week ago I asked her what was going on. I told her I know what she said in that she was a 100 percent done but you dont act like it. She said she is confused and she opening her heart to me. So I really dont know what is going on with her. All I know is to go with the flow and let GOD handle it. The hard part is not knowing and the roller coaster but I know I need to have faith and trust in him.

[Raymond]

Some positive signs Splasham. There are good things there as well as the problems. Don't think of divorce. God has put you together. From your part work it through as you are doing and as you say with God's help it will be worked out. A three ply cord is not easily broken, you her and God.

Will come back. Off to work now.

Raymond

[Raymond]

Hi Splasham again. I can't really add to what's been said except to say there's a person that loves you underneath all the problems she is having. She may need healing eventually but right now she needs you to listen to her and understand her. If the other stuff comes back remember what she is saying to you now which is the real her not the other stuff. The other stuff is her problem to be overcome with God's help and your help.

Learn all you can about marriage from a christian point of view and don't allow the enemy to rob you of what you could have together and what your baby could have. If she says she's through again don't be too quick to believe it. It will mean she is having problems again. Use the time now to strengthen yourselves together against this other stuff. Look at what she could be and what you could be.

God bless you both.

Raymond

[splashsam]

Well the other day she told me she wanted to be with me. I could tell she feels stupid for bringing it up in the first place. The thing now is we have to move on and keep working on it. I told her I wasent going to bring it up or use it against her. Our marriage is better right now then it has been in a long time. I just need to be there for her and she knows alot of this had to do with pregnancy and I thank God this was the hardest thing ive been through and without him I know I wouldnt of made it.

[Raymond]

That's great Splasham. You have learned a lot about her, yourself and marriage in these past months. This is how stability is built. You have done well in the patience you have shown. I find the more you love and show love the more they respond in surprising ways that really improves the relationship. You grow in it as well. No wonder the bible says husbands love your wives.

Raymond