Ella
24th September 2001, 09:31 PM
:mad: :confused: :(
I have been married for 12 years and for most of those years I never felt like my husband loved me. He would never look at me with interest, not be very affectionate, etc. I was never quite sure what drew him to me in the first place, but his friends always said he was very lucky to have someone who looked like me. He often demonstrated a great affinity for looking at other women. He never approached other women, at least while I was around, but always indicated to them that he was not with me. For example, if we were about to walk by a woman he found attractive, he would step behind me like we weren't together. If he found someone very attractive he would tune me right out for minutes until she left or he had absorbed enough of her in his mind to be able to let go. He completely ignored me when we would go out and go about his own business. After we had children he quit being so obvious because it is tough to act single when kids are running around yelling "Daddy". However, the intense staring did not quit. I know he wasn't cheating because we were always together. I had finally had enough a few years ago and told him everything I was feeling and how he had killed my self-esteem., self-confidence and whatever else self- thing he could. He apologized and could not explain his actions . In fact, he stated that he did not realize that he was doing this. I had only spoken to him about it a half a million times before, but never before with threats to leave. This, I thought, caught his attention. Last year in November I was looking in the temp internet files, innocently, and found that he had gone to a couple of porn sites. I approached him and his immediate response was to deny it, but with persistance he owned up to it. He, however, told me to relax because he was just looking at nude celebrities and he had only done it a couple of times before, like this made it ok. I told him I don't care who you are looking at because you just cheated on me and for what reason? He said he was curious!!! I said," how could a 36 year old man be curious about the female body". I could understand, but not condone it, if he was a teenager. Personally I think pornography gives men a false perception of what most women are really like. Men, especially young boys, look past the air-brushing and cosmetic surgery and come to
think that women should look like that and can only get-off to these images.
I have two sons whom are being taught to look beyond physical beauty. Anyway, I thought here we are in a horrible mess, so I might as well throw at him one of my other concerns. That is, that I did not like that he masterbated everynight beside me in bed. He looked shocked and said he had no idea. He said he must be doing it while he is sleeping and sometimes I believe that , but sometimes I pretend to be asleep and he is looking at me. To this day, almost a year later, he still denies knowing about it, but he says he must be if I say he is. I have watched by staying awake all night, pretending to be asleep and I have discovered it is every night. Can this happen without him ever being aware of it? I absolutely hate it and told him it has to stop, but he says he doesn't even know about it, so how can he stop it. Also, out of all this I got out of him that he was masterbating, very much awake, 3-4 times a week. I have never denied him sex and am very much not a prude, but he was still doing this even when my sons and I were in the house which completely disgusted me. His response was when esle could he do it because he is at work or we are always together. I told him to get a life!!! He said that he felt our marriage was doomed and felt lonely and this is what started the looking at pornography and masterbating frequently (still denying the nightly activity as being part of the problem). I had no idea that he felt this way. I think he felt this way because we were not having sex as often simply because we were watching his sister die of cancer, they had found abnormal cells in me that needed to be further investigated and my father died and 2 of his close aunts dies (all in a 10 month period). I guess he felt I was neglecting his needs. Poor Boy!!! (I mean this in the most sarcastic way possible). I have been watching him carefully over the last year and still find he occasionally looks at women, but of course denies it even when I see it with my own two eyes, I think he is still masterbating because I find remnants in his underwear, but this has since stopped because I mentioned it to him. He said he has a prostate problem and he has not touched himself since the incident last November,. I feel like I don't really know this man and that he is hiding things from me and he has some sort of addiction. He denies everything so adamantly that I question my own sanity. I suspect him everytime he goes anywhere alone. i.e. the bathroom, on the computer, etc. I don't sleep very well at night anymore so I can see if he is still masterbating everynight and one night I woke him, at least that is what he says, and proved it to him that he was doing this because although he moved his hand away quickly he still had an erection. He couldn't deny it then, but still claimed he was sleeping. I can't take it anymore. Everything I say to him he tells me he is not doing anything, except he now admits to masterbating while sleeping, but nothing else. He feels that if he is doing it, then it must be subconsciously. He says I am hyper-sensitive right now and am looking for things that are not really there. Sometimes I wonder if what he says is true, but do my eyes lie. Even when I am not looking for it like when we visited my sister, I consider this a safe zone, I saw him checking out my 14 year old niece. I was absolutely shocked because I never suspected it and then I look over and he is he looking her up and down. He denies it and says he was "looking" at her thinking, "boy, are they ever going to have trouble with her." However, does this "looking" require doing a full-body scan. I was not looking for this to happen, but he says he didn't do it , at least not in the way I interpreted it. Any advice out there? I am feeling like I am going insane and that I can't take it anymore. Am I the problem or is he just messing with my mind? He says he is so scared right now that he is going to lose me, but I am not really sure what he is thinking, he seems sincere. Anway, any direction out there would be greatly appreciated. This is not something I can discuss with family or friends and turned to this site out of desperation. Thanks for listening.
I have been married for 12 years and for most of those years I never felt like my husband loved me. He would never look at me with interest, not be very affectionate, etc. I was never quite sure what drew him to me in the first place, but his friends always said he was very lucky to have someone who looked like me. He often demonstrated a great affinity for looking at other women. He never approached other women, at least while I was around, but always indicated to them that he was not with me. For example, if we were about to walk by a woman he found attractive, he would step behind me like we weren't together. If he found someone very attractive he would tune me right out for minutes until she left or he had absorbed enough of her in his mind to be able to let go. He completely ignored me when we would go out and go about his own business. After we had children he quit being so obvious because it is tough to act single when kids are running around yelling "Daddy". However, the intense staring did not quit. I know he wasn't cheating because we were always together. I had finally had enough a few years ago and told him everything I was feeling and how he had killed my self-esteem., self-confidence and whatever else self- thing he could. He apologized and could not explain his actions . In fact, he stated that he did not realize that he was doing this. I had only spoken to him about it a half a million times before, but never before with threats to leave. This, I thought, caught his attention. Last year in November I was looking in the temp internet files, innocently, and found that he had gone to a couple of porn sites. I approached him and his immediate response was to deny it, but with persistance he owned up to it. He, however, told me to relax because he was just looking at nude celebrities and he had only done it a couple of times before, like this made it ok. I told him I don't care who you are looking at because you just cheated on me and for what reason? He said he was curious!!! I said," how could a 36 year old man be curious about the female body". I could understand, but not condone it, if he was a teenager. Personally I think pornography gives men a false perception of what most women are really like. Men, especially young boys, look past the air-brushing and cosmetic surgery and come to
think that women should look like that and can only get-off to these images.
I have two sons whom are being taught to look beyond physical beauty. Anyway, I thought here we are in a horrible mess, so I might as well throw at him one of my other concerns. That is, that I did not like that he masterbated everynight beside me in bed. He looked shocked and said he had no idea. He said he must be doing it while he is sleeping and sometimes I believe that , but sometimes I pretend to be asleep and he is looking at me. To this day, almost a year later, he still denies knowing about it, but he says he must be if I say he is. I have watched by staying awake all night, pretending to be asleep and I have discovered it is every night. Can this happen without him ever being aware of it? I absolutely hate it and told him it has to stop, but he says he doesn't even know about it, so how can he stop it. Also, out of all this I got out of him that he was masterbating, very much awake, 3-4 times a week. I have never denied him sex and am very much not a prude, but he was still doing this even when my sons and I were in the house which completely disgusted me. His response was when esle could he do it because he is at work or we are always together. I told him to get a life!!! He said that he felt our marriage was doomed and felt lonely and this is what started the looking at pornography and masterbating frequently (still denying the nightly activity as being part of the problem). I had no idea that he felt this way. I think he felt this way because we were not having sex as often simply because we were watching his sister die of cancer, they had found abnormal cells in me that needed to be further investigated and my father died and 2 of his close aunts dies (all in a 10 month period). I guess he felt I was neglecting his needs. Poor Boy!!! (I mean this in the most sarcastic way possible). I have been watching him carefully over the last year and still find he occasionally looks at women, but of course denies it even when I see it with my own two eyes, I think he is still masterbating because I find remnants in his underwear, but this has since stopped because I mentioned it to him. He said he has a prostate problem and he has not touched himself since the incident last November,. I feel like I don't really know this man and that he is hiding things from me and he has some sort of addiction. He denies everything so adamantly that I question my own sanity. I suspect him everytime he goes anywhere alone. i.e. the bathroom, on the computer, etc. I don't sleep very well at night anymore so I can see if he is still masterbating everynight and one night I woke him, at least that is what he says, and proved it to him that he was doing this because although he moved his hand away quickly he still had an erection. He couldn't deny it then, but still claimed he was sleeping. I can't take it anymore. Everything I say to him he tells me he is not doing anything, except he now admits to masterbating while sleeping, but nothing else. He feels that if he is doing it, then it must be subconsciously. He says I am hyper-sensitive right now and am looking for things that are not really there. Sometimes I wonder if what he says is true, but do my eyes lie. Even when I am not looking for it like when we visited my sister, I consider this a safe zone, I saw him checking out my 14 year old niece. I was absolutely shocked because I never suspected it and then I look over and he is he looking her up and down. He denies it and says he was "looking" at her thinking, "boy, are they ever going to have trouble with her." However, does this "looking" require doing a full-body scan. I was not looking for this to happen, but he says he didn't do it , at least not in the way I interpreted it. Any advice out there? I am feeling like I am going insane and that I can't take it anymore. Am I the problem or is he just messing with my mind? He says he is so scared right now that he is going to lose me, but I am not really sure what he is thinking, he seems sincere. Anway, any direction out there would be greatly appreciated. This is not something I can discuss with family or friends and turned to this site out of desperation. Thanks for listening.