Is depression making him feel unloved?

[2ruTexan]

Hi! I'm new and have posted a couple responses on here and thought I should ask the question that brought me here in the first place. To make a very long story short, I am in my second marriage to a wonderful man. My first marriage ended after he left me for another woman....ugly divorce, etc. My current husband is also divorced for similar reasons (his w had affair, etc.). Anyway, he is a great husband and wonderful step-father to my 16 yr. old son & 14 yr. old daughter. He is honest, totally dependable, hard working, and I never worry about him having an affair or anything like that. When we met, I had moved up the corporate ladder to a upper managment position, was an "independent woman" raising 2 kids on her own and made a good bit more money than him. Before we were married even a year, I got transferred to another state and he came...no problem. Once here, he got a great job and makes alot more than the 2 of us were making together. So....after being one of those women who burned the candle at both ends for 20 years, I crashed. I started having health problems and in the end was diagnosed with PTSD (stemming from abuse as a child) and major depression. I ended up loosing my job after being "Director of the year" 3 times! I was told that it is not uncommon for adults who were abused as children. The doctors say that it is something like the vets from Vietnam. Some do OK, others came back and never functioned well at all and others came back and did great for years and then just suddenly shut down from PTSD. I can't describe how bizarre it is to go from someone who could take college courses, work full time, play wife and mother and keep a spotless house, etc. to someone who can't get out of bed and can't sleep without having horrific dreams. So here is my question, my poor husband married "superwoman" and ended up with this. I feel terrible that my 1st husband who was a jerk got me during the good years and now I have fallen apart with this wonderful man. I have to clarify that while he did have a hard time with it at first, once he got all the details and understood the diagnosis, etc., he became nothing but supportive. He works hard and then picks up the slack for me when I'm not doing well. He is not at all what you would call a "touchy" kind of person and rarely discusses feelings, emotions, etc. As a result, I can't really talk to him about how I feel because he is more about "actions". The problem is that the more I try and don't succeed to become the women that I was, the more useless I feel, and the more depressed I feel. It just keeps going in circles. Doctors, therapists, etc. say it may take "years" to fully recover given everything I kept buried all those years and that having a family history of depression doesn't help. They also keep having trouble finding the right medications, etc. I have to stay on each new med for a month "to see if it works", go through the side effects, etc. and then they take 2 or 3 weeks to get you off that med and then start a new one, etc. I guess my question is, if he isn't one to discuss emotions, and I have trouble with actions, how to I make sure he knows that I love him? We aren't fighting or anything, we just don't talk. He doesn't complain, he just does his thing. I do realize that given that I am depressed, it may look worse than it is. I don't know. Any thoughts would be great. :confused:
Thanks so much!

[Hopeful0788]

My husband is also a non-talker. We have been through so much stuff and he just keeps it all to himself which makes my depression even worse because the person I love the most won't speak to me about anything. He originally said he was afraid of making me worse and then that he was hurt and confused because he was doing all he could but nothing helped. So, he turned to other things and people. All this didn't come out until we went to counseling sessions.

Every situation is different but I can tell you that I truly believe it is extremely important for both of you to be able to talk to each other openly and honestly or it could take you a lot longer to heal and by the time you do, he could be a mess inside and not know what to do. I would strongly suggest counseling for the both of you. Either individual or together. Depression is a black hole that swallows up not only the person who is depressed but everyone who has constant contact with them. Medication is only part of the answer. Good therapy, a hopeful spirit and a willingness to relearn a way to look at the world are all parts of recovery.

I am very sorry you are going through this and pray that you feel better as quickly as possible. I don't know if you like to read but some books I would recommend are by Dave Peltzer. They detail and recount all the horrid things that happened to him in childhood and how he made a decision to be a survivor, what he did and how he recovered and became a better person. They are very inspiring and gave me the feeling that at least I am not as alone as I felt/feel.

I have found everyone here to be supportive and think that you will too. Just knowing that you want to talk is a good starting point for recovery.

[David H]

So....after being one of those women who burned the candle at both ends for 20 years, I crashed.

Burnout! Not physically or mentally healthy. You are now experiencing the mental consequences... and perhaps the physical ones as well (caused by your mind, IMO -- seen this many times before..)

.... in the end was diagnosed with PTSD (stemming from abuse as a child) and major depression. I ended up loosing my job after being "Director of the year" 3 times! I was told that it is not uncommon for adults who were abused as children.

Are you dealing with your childhood issues? I have some and I found a really good local therapist here: www.bacp.co.uk (http://www.bacp.co.uk)

The doctors say that it is something like the vets from Vietnam. Some do OK, others came back and never functioned well at all and others came back and did great for years and then just suddenly shut down from PTSD.

Yes, but in those cases the PTSD is chronic and has become a psychosis. My mother has this from how she was treated as a Jap POW in WW2...
Do you think this applies to you?

I can't describe how bizarre it is to go from someone who could take college courses, work full time, play wife and mother and keep a spotless house, etc. to someone who can't get out of bed and can't sleep without having horrific dreams.

This is classic depression debility. (1) Stop thinking about it because those thoughts will depress you further. (2) Try to let go of this and accept YOU ARE NOT THE PERSON YOU WERE! Acceptance is the key here...

So here is my question, my poor husband married "superwoman" and ended up with this. I feel terrible that my 1st husband who was a jerk got me during the good years and now I have fallen apart with this wonderful man.

This is guilty thinking -- making you feel bad again -- try to stop this kind of negative thinking! You are thinking yourself bad!

The problem is that the more I try and don't succeed to become the women that I was, the more useless I feel, and the more depressed I feel.

Of course This is the key! You are setting yourself up to fail! Accept that right now YOU CANNOT BE THE PERSON YOU ONCE WERE!

Just try, every day, one day at a time, to take one small step forwards and be better than you were the day before! Have a day-off occasionally!

Eventually you will be way forward of where you are now! And can then move forwards even further!

my question is, if he isn't one to discuss emotions, and I have trouble with actions, how to I make sure he knows that I love him?

Keep telling him and back it up with some action from you. A kiss, a hug! How hard is that?

He doesn't complain, he just does his thing.

Bingo! Yahtzee! He's action-man, not talking-man. Actions speak way louder than words -- what does this tell you about him? HE LOVES YOU! You are SO LUCKY to have that. It is very precious....

I do realize that given that I am depressed, it may look worse than it is.

Of course!

A view of depression below...

David

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=121351&page=0&fpart=1
I thought I'd spend some time discussing the symptoms of depression so that others can actually have a bird's eye view.

[Depression] ... a pain that can't be healed with a band aid or antiseptic, but can be healed with time, love, compassion, understanding, medication and therapy.

When most people hear the word depression, they automatically think of feelings of sadness or being blue/down in the dumps. But when the mental health professionals use the word, they are describing depressive illness.

According to them it is a label for a collection of symptoms that can consist of persistent irritability, excessive guilt, shame, low self-esteem, difficulty experiencing pleasure, changes in sleep, appetite and weight.

This is a very serious health concern as it affects a person's health, his relationships, the ability to work efficiently, ability to concentrate and think clearly. It can even lead to death.

There are two groups of mood disorders: unipolar (or depressive) disorders and bipolar disorders. A person with unipolar suffers only with depression. A person with bipolar suffers ups and downs in mood, energy level, ability to think clearly, and need for sleep, among other symptoms. A person with bipolar can also have a mix of both depression and manic symptoms at the same time. The person can have racing thoughts and yet complain of being depressed. The mood of a person with mixed symptoms or mania is often irritable or explosive rather than euphoric.

The symptoms for Major Depression are: depressed mood, loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities, feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt, loss of appetite, an increase in eating, especially carbohydrates and sweets, or weight loss/weight gain, trouble staying asleep, waking up early in the morning and being unable to get back to sleep, or oversleeping, restlessness or sluggishness (when feeling sluggish, the person may actually move and talk more slowly; the face will be much less expressive–as if the person is wearing a mask), fatigue and loss of energy, inability to clearly, concentrate, or make decisions and thoughts of death or suicide.

Then we have Masked Depression. The symptoms and behavioral problems listed have sometimes been referred to as masked depression. They are: chronic aches and pains, compulsive social activities: partygoing, dating, avoidance of being alone, workaholism, and thrill seeking. These are all behaviors designed to keep someone from feeling depressed. We have impulse-control problems: rage attacks, sexual compulsions, shoplifting and gambling. Repeated accidents and multiple surgeries for vague complaints.

According to Sigmund Freud's work and developed by his followers, depression is based on the childhood disappointment of wishes for parental affection and affirmation, and the child's failure to fix a parent's unhappiness. This then leads to: low self-esteem, guilt, and shame based on the belief developed in childhood that personal inadequacy is the reason why parents were not affectionate or were unhappy. A sense of emptiness and a search–doomed to failure–of someone or something to fill that emptiness. The person will also feels ashamed of his intense neediness.

Rage regarding the unmet needs, directed at the image of the parent who has been internalized which will lead to unrealistic expectations, repeated disappointment in current relationships, and conflicts over expressing rage to important others.

There are many other psychiatric disorders that are often found together with mood disorders and they are: substance abuse, eating disorders, anxiety disorder and panic disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder.

Now, please take a few minutes and think about your spouse. Have you seen any of these traits in him/her lately? If so, you are seeing depression at work. Your spouse doesn't hate you.

The love that he/she has for you is still there, buried very deep beneath the childhood issues that he/she is currently facing head on. According to one source, he got relieved of tremendous amounts of hang-ups during his depression. He was relieved of his guilt. Once the issues are resolved, the fog disappears, the person will come out of the depression and will be a much better person, more settled and mature.

[Raymond]

What a wonderful husband you seem to have Texan. I shouldn't try and be the person you were before. I think you need lots of rest. You are learning a lot from this. I'm sure you have expressed how sorry you are about the circumstances to your husband, but you are adapting to a new pace of life. About expressing your love to your husband, learn and find out what pleases him. You could read the five languages of love mentioned somewhere else on here. Where there's a will there is a way. It seems like you are in receiving mode at the moment and you need to accept that. You need his help and he is willing to give. We all have to learn to give and receive without feeling guilty.

Raymond