Can anyone offer any advice?

[paul&nic]

We have been married since June 2006 and have come to a difficult point in our marriage. Nic is writing this thread.

We met in 2003 and by the end of 2004 were pregnant with our son (I also have a daughter from a previous relationship). He was born in August 2005 and I didn't bond with him straight away and subsenquently suffered post natal depression. I went to my GP and went onto anti-depressants. These were fantastic and I felt able to come off of them in March 2006. One month later we were told that my mother had terminal cancer with less than one year to live. (She is however still battling on although is not expected to live much longer.)

Two months later we were married. A stress in itself!!!

At the beginning of this year we realised we were in some financial difficulty and after several discussions with the bank my husband declared himself bankrupt.

Not surprisingly we aren't getting on as well as we used to. Although we understand with all the pressure we have had recently we wouldn't be as close as ever, we are saddened to find ourselves in the situation where we are unsure as to where our future lies - together or apart. We both feel that testing times such as these either pull a couple together or push them apart. We are considering going to counselling, but feel lost to know what to do for the best. We love each other dearly but there is nothing between us, at present, aside from the children. As parents we are fantastic but as husband/wife/lovers, we are pretty much useless. We bicker a lot of the time and there is no intimacy at all.

Can anyone offer any advice? please?

[Hopeful0788]

This probably won't be the advice that you are looking for, but I would go to at least 3 counseling sessions and then evaluate where you both are. The other option is to agree that you both seek individual counseling first and then go to marriage counseling together and go from there. The times that you have gone through thus far are enough to pull people apart early in a relationship when there is not a good starting foundation....

Hope this helps.

[Raymond]

I'd stick it out. You are under a lot of pressure just now, but you love each other and will grow if you watch out for each other. You say there's not much intimacy but that will come when there's not so much pressure on you. Try and look for the things you can enjoy now. You cannot solve everything in one go. Life will pan out if you stick together, besides your child will have two together parents as well. You're not going to let things beat you are you? C'mon. Go for it together.

Raymond

[callow]

Hi

I think that the fact that both of you are looking to solve the problems is a good sign.

Try this website http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/enq.pdf . It has an emotional need questionnaire that you can both fill out and discuss where the problem lies with your relationship.

Also try and get the book "The Five Languages of Love" by Gary Chapman. Basically it says that we all have different love needs and you both may be different. For example one partner thinks that by buying gifts they are loving when in fact the partner wants to be touched and cuddled.

All the best and keep communicating.

Sally

[2ruTexan]

Everything Sally said, I would totally recommend. The Five Languages of love is one of the best books in the world for anyone. We all feel love so differently and tend to give it the way we like to receive it. I think it is wonderful that you are asking for help together...that should tell you that there is something worth fighting for. With all this stress, I can't imagine any couple doing well unless they have been together for many, many years. Chances are, you may also be getting depressed again. Ask your spouse if it seems that you might be...or a friend. Those of us with Depression are usually the last to say "oh yeah..I think I'm depressed". If you are depressed, here is a major rule of thumb...Never, never, make ANY life changing decisions while you are depressed. Counseling sounds great, but again, if you are depressed, that has to be addressed first. I hope that helps. :)

[paul&nic]

Thank you so much to the replies we have received. We are sat here smiling - the first time in a long time!!!

Reading other peoples thoughts actually puts things in perspective a bit more, like 2rsTexan says, the fact we are both asking for help speaks volumes in itself. We are looking into counselling and reading material. We have also booked the grandparents Thursday night so we can have a bit of time out from the children to just be us for the evening.

Thank you again for responding, knowing that complete strangers care enough to take the time to respond has really touched us. We'll keep you updated!

Nic and Paul

:) :)