loseing the closest thing to me

[tec]

First Thing a big hello to all you lovely people great site keep up the goodwork

me i come across this site sitting here trying everything going out my mind becaues i am loseing the dearest thing to me my wife:(

my story
my wife and me have been together 17 years marred 7 two kids our boy 14 our girl 11. we have had hard times and good times but have come along way from nothing to what we have now we have both worked so hard to hard i think at times but have always been there for each other very close family. then kind that every body looks at and says they are rock. she is my dream my rock everything in the world. but the last few weeks have been hard we have not talked much i see her look at me diffrent at times.She is always out. so i have come home from work thurday gone shes out again i kick off about it when she comes in we have a barny and tells me she does not know her feelings for me any more wow at that moment my heart stoped. she has had enough of her daily routines and did not know her feelings any more so i said that i would give her some space but could not stay away the day after told her all the stuff what i would do to make it better then left and the same happend the day after but this time she told me that she was going away she needed this time and space i am now still waiting going out of my mind she phoned my son today i ask to talk to her and told her that i miss her dearly and ask do you miss me no reply only iam coming home friday she will not say that she loves to


its killing me becaues she will not tell me whats going on or if i have hope now i am starting to feel that friday the world is going to come down on me every body tells me to keep my chin up but i know my wife and feel its bad. i also know my wife loves me deep down very much and would never have an anfair thats not her but i think she has lost her feelings
o god help me i cant live with out that girl

[David H]

my wife and me have been together 17 years marred 7 two kids our boy 14 our girl 11.


How old are you and your wife?

David

[tec]

I am 35 my wife 34 she was 17 when we met. she followed me up the same road for 2 years every night. then we met at her brothers party and she pulled me away and it all started from there. 2 years she know every thing about me and i had not even met her

[David H]

I am 35 my wife 34 she was 17 when we met. she followed me up the same road for 2 years every night. then we met at her brothers party and she pulled me away and it all started from there. 2 years she know every thing about me and i had not even met her

Ok, Tec

Here are some links for you....

David


Start here for more insight:

Codependency:
http://www.50connect.co.uk/50c/romancestories.asp?article=12527
"Relationships heal when individuals heal. When each partner does their Inner Bonding work, their relationship system heals. When each person learns to take full personal responsibility for his or her own feelings of pain and joy, they stop pulling on each other and blaming each other. When each person learns to fill themselves with love and share that love with each other, instead of always trying to get love, the relationship heals."
Learn to love yourself:

"Real love is based in a universal truth that NO ONE can love you, respect you, cherish, or adore you at a level greater than you do these things for yourself. That the amount that you do love, respect, cherish and adore yourself is exactly the level that another will love, respect, cherish and adore you."
http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t113131/
http://www.4therapy.com/consumer/life_topics/article/6713/489/Learning+To+Love+Yourself

"The best relationships are made of wanting to be with the other person, but not needing to be. I think that goes for married relationships, too."
http://joy2meu.com/codependency1.html
http://joy2meu.com/codependent3.htm
http://karenscoda.blogspot.com/2007/03/more-characteristics.html

Do you recognise this ("Blowing hot and cold") in your relationship? (Mine was like this!)

"The way the dynamic in a dysfunctional relationship works is in a "come here" - "go away" cycle. When one person is available the other tends to pull away. If the first person becomes unavailable the other comes back and pleads to be let back in. When the first becomes available again then the other eventually starts pulling away again. It happens because our relationship with self is not healed. As long as I do not love myself then there must be something wrong with someone who loves me - and if someone doesn't love me than I have to prove I am worthy by winning that person back."
http://joy2meu.com/codependent4.htm

Choosing your relationship partner:

Emotional Unavailability, by Bryn C Collins, McGraw Hill, Page 7:
"... people choose to be with partners who remind them of the parent with whom they had the most unresolved issues ... it leads the person to choose essentially the same type of relationship time and time again ... the partner might come in different packages but the contents are emotionally similar..."

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Another possibility is that your W is having an early female midlife crisis (or transition):
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mid-life_crisis
http://midlifecrisisforum.com/6/ubb.x?s=3106003104
http://www.pathpartners.com
http://fortysixty.invisionzone.com/index.php?act=idx
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=28&page=1
http://lifetwo.com/production/node/20060824-types-of-midlife-crisis

Not everybody has a Mid Life Crisis -- most people go through a Mid Life Transition. About one third cannot cope with the MLT and it becomes a crisis. "MLT becomes a MLC when it takes on the "self-medication" of affairs, rampant spending, and other such unwise and hurtful behaviour."
MLTs/MLCs are triggered by some life-altering event such as the death of a parent, loss of an important job, onset of menopause, etc; even your children growing up and leaving home... "Empty Nest Syndrome"
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Empty_nest_syndrome
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/womenshealth/features/ens.htm
http://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/emptynest.html

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You may eventually have to do "a 180" for your own sanity (to allow yourself to heal):

http://survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/divorce/no_contact.asp
http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11
http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/addiction.htm

You may also need to detach emotionally:

This is a good place to start understanding detachment:
http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm

Establishing Healthy Boundaries in Relationships:
http://www.coping.org/relations/boundar/intro.htm

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Many codependents are mutually attracted to narcissists...
More on Narcissists:
http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/personality_disorders/narcissism/faq6.html
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/FAQ/1804
http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/personality_disorders/narcissism/faq_index.html

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http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1175/is_n3_v26/ai_13700396
Psychology Today, May-June, 1993 by Frank Pittman, III

Romantic Infidelity

Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of failing in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continue living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet.

An affair with someone grossly inappropriate - someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own - is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner.

Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.

Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.

People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born - any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up.

The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.

Both genders seem equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs, though women are more likely to reframe anything they do as having been done for love. Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be. Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious and willing to give up everything. Men in love lose their heads - at least for a while.

[tec]

Thx for your help and time David

but after waiting at home for the week while she had her break drostroying myself wheteher i had hope or not.

only to find out the bitch had taken the man from accross the road spending our money on him has been going on about 2 months now gutted down :( hurt and much more i want to kill him would be happy to spend 17 years inside
now i feel angry. i know i will get my head together i have to i love me kids to bits there my life and its this that has gave me hope and no man is going to stop that now.

17 years just like that gone i know everybody has there ups and downs really but man i just can not get my head round it i have only ever give that girl the best of my love 110% of the time i will go the four conrners of the earth for my kids. family man they always come first why why.

the way that she went about it to let me hang on all week praying over and over and all along she was doing this up there what a mug i feel
now i have to try and put my life back together again i will not let down my kids

[David H]

... find out the bitch had taken the man from accross the road spending our money on him has been going on about 2 months now gutted down :( hurt and much more ....


I appreciate things must seem very bleak right now.....

BUT these kind of affairs have a habit of blowing themselves out....

You are the father of her children and you've been together a long time.... You will get a chance to reconcile, I'm sure of that!

From what I quoted before: "it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it...."

In the meantime I advise you to do a 180

http://survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/divorce/no_contact.asp
http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11
http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/addiction.htm

This is to allow you to heal so that you have the strength to stop appearing needy and pleading to your W which is unattractive.

You still have a great deal to play for. Try to see how you can improve yourself and get back to that carefree, confident, attractive person your wife first fell for... This is essential!

It isn't over until its over -- and you are a very long way from that yet.

Things will get better! Good luck -- DO NOT GIVE UP YET!

Dr Harley will benefit you! Pay him a visit:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

David