Lonely Life

[lancashire lass]

Hi Everyone, You all seem to get some wise words when posting here, probably many of us think these things but don't allow our emotions to recognise them, as this would/could lead to heartache and change. Something that I am not able to do so easily. Hence why I am here.
I have been married now for 10 yrs. This is now my 2nd marriage, I have 4 wonderful girls (2 from each marriage).
The reason I posted my title as 'lonely' was because I was orphaned at 15 yrs old. This is when my judgement upon others and myself (for want of a better word) disfunctioned and I have looked after other peoples emotions before my own.
The reason I am so lonely is because we no longer live in the UK and our circle of friends has shrunk.
Lat year I was diagnosed with a rare cancer, which was succesfully removed but I had to have some ribs removed and need to have a CT scan every 3 months for the next 2 - 5 years and then they will reduce it to twice a year. But the knock on effect of this has been depression. I do love my husband but he does take me for granted and a fool.
When we married I knew that he was a cross dresser, this did not bother me so much as everyone had the right to freedom of expression, but during our marriage this has become more intense, i.e he shaves underarms, legs, private parts etc.
Not long after my illness he asked me what I would do if he wanted to take his dressing further, I said that I would leave him. But this has left me feeling very hurt that he even asked me.
Also he has had a 'SMS' relationship with a colleague at this work , where in Dec last year ( My op was in Oct), she asked him 'would he ever leave me for her?'. He said 'Not in this lifetime' this also leaves me feeling very hurt, what type of conversations etc goes on for an already married woman herself to ask someone something like that. (Everyone at my husbands work knows about my cancer) he says that she is a very nice person and that nothing else is going on, but I do not believe him, and this mistrust is breaking down my love for him bit by bit.
This leaves me with many questions and no answers, can anyone help me?:confused: :confused: :confused: :confused:

[David H]

I have been married now for 10 yrs. This is now my 2nd marriage, I have 4 wonderful girls (2 from each marriage).
The reason I posted my title as 'lonely' was because I was orphaned at 15 yrs old. This is when my judgement upon others and myself (for want of a better word) disfunctioned and I have looked after other peoples emotions before my own.


Welcome! Here are some links and insights that you may find helpful!

David

Start here for more insight:

Codependency:
http://www.50connect.co.uk/50c/romancestories.asp?article=12527

"Relationships heal when individuals heal. When each partner does their Inner Bonding work, their relationship system heals. When each person learns to take full personal responsibility for his or her own feelings of pain and joy, they stop pulling on each other and blaming each other. When each person learns to fill themselves with love and share that love with each other, instead of always trying to get love, the relationship heals."

Learn to love yourself:

"Real love is based in a universal truth that NO ONE can love you, respect you, cherish, or adore you at a level greater than you do these things for yourself. That the amount that you do love, respect, cherish and adore yourself is exactly the level that another will love, respect, cherish and adore you."
http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t113131/
http://www.4therapy.com/consumer/life_topics/article/6713/489/Learning+To+Love+Yourself

"The best relationships are made of wanting to be with the other person, but not needing to be. I think that goes for married relationships, too."
http://joy2meu.com/codependency1.html
http://joy2meu.com/codependent3.htm
http://karenscoda.blogspot.com/2007/03/more-characteristics.html

Do you recognise this ("Blowing hot and cold") in your relationship? (Mine was like this!)

"The way the dynamic in a dysfunctional relationship works is in a "come here" - "go away" cycle. When one person is available the other tends to pull away. If the first person becomes unavailable the other comes back and pleads to be let back in. When the first becomes available again then the other eventually starts pulling away again. It happens because our relationship with self is not healed. As long as I do not love myself then there must be something wrong with someone who loves me - and if someone doesn't love me than I have to prove I am worthy by winning that person back."
http://joy2meu.com/codependent4.htm

Choosing your relationship partner:

Emotional Unavailability, by Bryn C Collins, McGraw Hill, Page 7:
"... people choose to be with partners who remind them of the parent with whom they had the most unresolved issues ... it leads the person to choose essentially the same type of relationship time and time again ... the partner might come in different packages but the contents are emotionally similar..."
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You may eventually have to do "a 180" for your own sanity (to allow yourself to heal):
http://survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/divorce/no_contact.asp
http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11
http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/addiction.htm

You may also need to detach emotionally:
This is a good place to start understanding detachment:
http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm

Establishing Healthy Boundaries in Relationships:
http://www.coping.org/relations/boundar/intro.htm

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Many codependents are mutually attracted to narcissists...

More on Narcissists:
http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/personality_disorders/narcissism/faq6.html
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/FAQ/1804
http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/personality_disorders/narcissism/faq_index.html

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[lancashire lass]

thanks for all the links, I think I have now read most of it, it was very insightful and has helped me understand my self a bit more. I do not remember much of my child hood, (my mum died when I was 13 and my dad died when I was 16, so noone to ask!) but I can never ever remember one arguement in my house
I grew up with 2 very loving parents, that wanted me very much. But it is always the good people that die young and leave the bastards behind!

[keeky]

i love what you just said. good people go and the bastards are left behind.
so true!

hope everything works out for you.

:)

[David H]

I do not remember much of my child hood, (my mum died when I was 13 and my dad died when I was 16, so noone to ask!)

Hmmm. If your Mum died when you were 13, then your Dad died when you were 16, and you don't remember much, I'd respectfully suggest that there is a great deal of pain and hurt there that your mind is "blanking out" to protect you.

I'd certainly consult a therapist and do a bit of digging....

Find one here: www.bacp.co.uk (http://www.bacp.co.uk)

I'm in therapy to fix my codependency, caused by a miserable childhood....

David

[lancashire lass]

Hi David,

I/we have been in and out of therapy for about 5yrs now. I remember snipits but my family where methodists, very respectable members of the community and from what I can remember I was preotected from the outside world, i.e when all the hype of Ethiopia (early 80s) was on the news I was asked to leave the room, as I 'would have plenty of time to learn about poverty when I needed too'. My mum was away from home in and out of a hospice from when I was about 9. This has left me with very little social skills. I always felt protected and very important at home.
We had wonderful family holidays in our caravan ( at all times of the yr, snow and all!) we hiked, canooed, camped etc. They took very good care of me and took care of everything. So my memories are not about arguing parents, or moving home, just plain simple life with no events that stick out. The only reason I need therapy is to gain social skills and understand other people. Although my husband would disagree, he says that I do not give enough love and I am a cold person. But as we no longer live in the UK I do not have good access to Therapists, ( i.e I have to pay for each session which is 75 Euro).

[David H]

Hi David,

I/we have been in and out of therapy for about 5yrs now. I remember snipits but my family where methodists, very respectable members of the community and from what I can remember I was preotected from the outside world ...

They took very good care of me and took care of everything. So my memories are not about arguing parents, or moving home, just plain simple life with no events that stick out. The only reason I need therapy is to gain social skills and understand other people. Although my husband would disagree, he says that I do not give enough love and I am a cold person.

Ok, all understood.

My experience with cats and dogs is that if you show them love and affection they show you love and affection back...

David

[Hopeful0788]

Not sure if this would apply to you as a person but I do agree with David about Cats and Dogs. I would also like to add that I seriously lack social skills as well and am a very cut and dry person (or cold as your husband puts it). I however, was raised in a family were I didn't exist unless someone needed to be taken care of (could be you were helping take care of people alot if both your parents were sick which left you as a giver/caretaker rather than the one getting the attention???) That was my case.

Anyway, my therapist - who also is not cheap but well worth it - says that my coldness with others comes from a background of serious hurt. For example, first my parents and then I gave everything I had left in my hurt to my husband who promptly stomped on it and drained every ounce of life I had left out of me until I just don't have any feeling left (i.e. coldness).

Perhaps there were others in your life who could have turned you into what your husband says???? Or maybe he is just flat out wrong. Who knows....

People do tend to behave how they were behaved to as children though....