Carol63
23rd April 2007, 03:16 PM
Hi All. I found this site by chance and have spent the last several days reading lots of your posts. It's great to see how you all support each other through your trials and tribulations. I have my own dilema and I'm not sure what to do next. Here's my story. It goes on a bit but I wanted to give you a reasonable picture of my circumstances.
I've been married for almost 17 years (together for 23). We have two daughters aged 8 and 6. Looking back we've never had a perfect marriage - who has? - but I realise my H has never been the caring sharing sort I wanted. Our marriage has been slowly deteriorating for years now. When we disagree we usually start with a short but heated argument and end with silences. Sometimes they'd last hours or days, more recently for weeks. We're both stubborn and neither of us wants to make the first move to make up afterwards. Currently we haven't spoken properly since the Christmas holidays unless something urgent needs saying.
H is obsessed with golf. He plays at least three times a week, including the whole weekend. He is a night worker so has time during the days as well to play. I work full time with a commute to London and as soon as I get home he offs to bed for some more sleep while I have to take over child care, cleaning, housework, getting kids to bed, getting their school stuff ready, so on and so on. H seems to want to lead the life of a bachelor. He comes and goes (usually to golf) without consulting me whether it's convenient. Just adds the next game to the calendar. He gets back at me in other ways too. We have a family car and he has a work car. The family car is kept garaged but it's a very tight fit in the garage and because he is also obsessive with keeping it clean and in mint condition, I'm terrified of trying to drive it out of the garage in case I scratch it. Hence I never drive it unless he gets it out first (i've been on the end of his wrath before when I've scuffed the alloys). When he goes golf he deliberately leaves the car in the garage, knowing I'm too scared to get it out and meaning I've no transport unless I want to battle busses with the kids. I guess it's a control thing. BTW, our latest silence started when he came home from a golf game and had a go at me for not putting on a load of washing!!! I had actually been out all day with the children as it was the Christmas holidays.
Well, this weekend I'd had enough. I asked if I could have the car out on Sunday and he said no. He didn't have to leave until 10.30am for golf so I just grabbed my bag and said 'bye then!' and left him with the kids. He shouted that he was leaving at 10.30 and I replied "you know what - tough!" I went out for a little while but was back by 10.45am. He left straight afterwards. This morning I got up to find a note saying "I will not take the kids to school or collect them until things change". BTW, I get up and get the kids ready and he does the school runs because of our work patterns. I find this note such an immature action! Why could he not say 'we need to talk' or approach it a different way? If he really was to stop doing school runs, I would lose my job - where would that get us, apart from more into debt than we already are! I've been thinking for the best part of a year now whether I'd be better off leaving him. I really don't have any feelings for him any more. However, we have a house that's extended but not finished so it would probably be hard to sell, and lots of joint loans etc that need paying off. I worry about what I would do if we split. I could not maintain my current employment as a single parent. It's the worry of the unknown I suppose and starting again. I know without a doubt that it would not be an amicable divorce and H would play as dirty as possible.
Oh another thing. He's arranged to go on a golf holiday to Spain for a week in May. I told him at the time I didn't want him to go (we cannot afford it) but he booked it nonetheless.
I guess I'm just looking to hear any advice or for your thoughts.
Thanks for reading.
Carol
I've been married for almost 17 years (together for 23). We have two daughters aged 8 and 6. Looking back we've never had a perfect marriage - who has? - but I realise my H has never been the caring sharing sort I wanted. Our marriage has been slowly deteriorating for years now. When we disagree we usually start with a short but heated argument and end with silences. Sometimes they'd last hours or days, more recently for weeks. We're both stubborn and neither of us wants to make the first move to make up afterwards. Currently we haven't spoken properly since the Christmas holidays unless something urgent needs saying.
H is obsessed with golf. He plays at least three times a week, including the whole weekend. He is a night worker so has time during the days as well to play. I work full time with a commute to London and as soon as I get home he offs to bed for some more sleep while I have to take over child care, cleaning, housework, getting kids to bed, getting their school stuff ready, so on and so on. H seems to want to lead the life of a bachelor. He comes and goes (usually to golf) without consulting me whether it's convenient. Just adds the next game to the calendar. He gets back at me in other ways too. We have a family car and he has a work car. The family car is kept garaged but it's a very tight fit in the garage and because he is also obsessive with keeping it clean and in mint condition, I'm terrified of trying to drive it out of the garage in case I scratch it. Hence I never drive it unless he gets it out first (i've been on the end of his wrath before when I've scuffed the alloys). When he goes golf he deliberately leaves the car in the garage, knowing I'm too scared to get it out and meaning I've no transport unless I want to battle busses with the kids. I guess it's a control thing. BTW, our latest silence started when he came home from a golf game and had a go at me for not putting on a load of washing!!! I had actually been out all day with the children as it was the Christmas holidays.
Well, this weekend I'd had enough. I asked if I could have the car out on Sunday and he said no. He didn't have to leave until 10.30am for golf so I just grabbed my bag and said 'bye then!' and left him with the kids. He shouted that he was leaving at 10.30 and I replied "you know what - tough!" I went out for a little while but was back by 10.45am. He left straight afterwards. This morning I got up to find a note saying "I will not take the kids to school or collect them until things change". BTW, I get up and get the kids ready and he does the school runs because of our work patterns. I find this note such an immature action! Why could he not say 'we need to talk' or approach it a different way? If he really was to stop doing school runs, I would lose my job - where would that get us, apart from more into debt than we already are! I've been thinking for the best part of a year now whether I'd be better off leaving him. I really don't have any feelings for him any more. However, we have a house that's extended but not finished so it would probably be hard to sell, and lots of joint loans etc that need paying off. I worry about what I would do if we split. I could not maintain my current employment as a single parent. It's the worry of the unknown I suppose and starting again. I know without a doubt that it would not be an amicable divorce and H would play as dirty as possible.
Oh another thing. He's arranged to go on a golf holiday to Spain for a week in May. I told him at the time I didn't want him to go (we cannot afford it) but he booked it nonetheless.
I guess I'm just looking to hear any advice or for your thoughts.
Thanks for reading.
Carol