Insight: Romantic Affairs....

[David H]

Something to think about! (My emphasis & italics)

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1175/is_n3_v26/ai_13700396

Psychology Today, May-June, 1993 by Frank Pittman, III

Romantic Infidelity

Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of failing in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continue living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet.

An affair with someone grossly inappropriate - someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own - is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again.

Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.

Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.

People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they
suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born - any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up.

The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.

Both genders seem equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs, though women are more likely to reframe anything they do as having been done for love. Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be. Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious and willing to give up everything. Men in love lose their heads - at least for a while.

[David H]

Bumpity-bump!

[David H]

Bumpity-bump!

Bump-Bump!

[Annie2]

David,

I think you're a genius!! I read all that and thought 'wow'. It's so true.

annie
xx

[David H]

David,

I think you're a genius!! I read all that and thought 'wow'. It's so true.

annie
xx

LOL, I didn't write it, I just came across it! But it is so insightful that I keep bumping it regularly!

And so helpful in gaining perspective, which is very hard when somebody you love is involved with somebody else!

"An affair with someone grossly inappropriate - someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own - is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again."

And that part is so relevant to my situation.... Went round to my ex-g/f's flat the other day to return something she requested....

She'd been shopping; it was on the kitchen table. I noticed one of those 6-bottle cardboard carriers the supermarkets give you when you buy from the wine/spirits section... In it were two bottles of wine and a large bottle of cheap vodka (for the OM). On another occasion she told me about the OM being ill in bed and asking her to go out and buy him a bottle of brandy... The OM is a near neighbour -- ex-g/f and OM have a strange (non-couple type) relationship -- he has no contact with my 10-year-old son and she only sees him when she hasn't got son -- they go out on the town together -- their every activity seems to be connected with alcohol on his part -- they seem to do very little "couple" type stuff...

David

[aqua]

Hi
I'm new to posting here but have been a long time lurker. Hello to you all.

I read about romantic infidelity and it sent a chill down my spine! I could relate to it totally. Scary.

I had what I thought was a good relationship for 2O years - married for 13 years. Then last year I stumbled on my husband's affair. It hadn't been going on long and I only snooped because I felt something wasn't quite right. My husband's excuse was he had been feeling depressed (never had this problem before usually Mr Enthusiasm) and he didn't feel loved (bah!).

Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of failing in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continue living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. So true!


Anyway, since the 'enlightenment' last November I was finally told who the other woman was a few weeks ago. An alcoholic granny with two marriages under her belt. My husband moved out in January and I have as little to do with him as possible.

An affair with someone grossly inappropriate - someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own - is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. AgainSo true !


Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces.... No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.

Haven't reached a conclusion on this part yet... but will be true! I have made the descision to divorce my husband. I don't want to but what choice do I have? He has completely devastated me. My children (9 and 11) are coping remarkably well but it has still wrecked their lives.

Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious and willing to give up everything. Men in love lose their heads - at least for a while.

Yet again true to some extent. My husband has given up an awful lot to be with someone who might not be around much longer ( dicky ticker, insomnia as well as being an alcoholic!). She lives with her elderly father. My h hastold me he's never coming back, but he hasn't though of divorce. My children asked him to come back and try again for them, but no.

I have made no attempts to be nice to him. I ashamedly admit to using the children as pawns (they are unaware of this) because I feel so totally betrayed and can't cope with being all sweetness and light. I want him to hurt like I hurt. I can't bear to look at him. I've blown any hope that he may see the error of his ways.

David H - any useful websites for a no hoper like me who needs to come to terms with all of this?

Many thanks for reading the rantings of a dumped wife!

Aqua

[David H]

Hi Aqua

I've blown any hope that he may see the error of his ways.

He won't because an affair is very addictive... And more than likely he was in denial before hand...

And in the case of a male in depression, an affair is just one of many "self-medicating" behaviours...

David H - any useful websites for a no hoper like me who needs to come to terms with all of this?

Firstly you are not a "no-hoper"! More than likely over time when you have healed yourself and moved on a bit, and maybe found somebody better, you will realise that your husband may have done you a favour!

David

Start here for more insight:

Codependency:
http://www.drirene.com/cofam.htm
http://www.50connect.co.uk/50c/romancestories.asp?article=12527

"Relationships heal when individuals heal. When each partner does their Inner Bonding work, their relationship system heals. When each person learns to take full personal responsibility for his or her own feelings of pain and joy, they stop pulling on each other and blaming each other. When each person learns to fill themselves with love and share that love with each other, instead of always trying to get love, the relationship heals."

Learn to love yourself:

"Real love is based in a universal truth that NO ONE can love you, respect you, cherish, or adore you at a level greater than you do these things for yourself. That the amount that you do love, respect, cherish and adore yourself is exactly the level that another will love, respect, cherish and adore you."

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t113131/
http://www.4therapy.com/consumer/life_topics/article/6713/489/Learning+To+Love+Yourself

"The best relationships are made of wanting to be with the other person, but not needing to be. I think that goes for married relationships, too."

http://joy2meu.com/codependency1.html
http://joy2meu.com/codependent3.htm
http://karenscoda.blogspot.com/2007/03/more-characteristics.html

Do you recognise this ("Blowing hot and cold") in your relationship? (Mine was like this!)

"The way the dynamic in a dysfunctional relationship works is in a "come here" - "go away" cycle. When one person is available the other tends to pull away. If the first person becomes unavailable the other comes back and pleads to be let back in. When the first becomes available again then the other eventually starts pulling away again. It happens because our relationship with self is not healed. As long as I do not love myself then there must be something wrong with someone who loves me - and if someone doesn't love me than I have to prove I am worthy by winning that person back."
http://joy2meu.com/codependent4.htm

Choosing your relationship partner:

Emotional Unavailability, by Bryn C Collins, McGraw Hill, Page 7:
"... people choose to be with partners who remind them of the parent with whom they had the most unresolved issues ... it leads the person to choose essentially the same type of relationship time and time again ... the partner might come in different packages but the contents are emotionally similar..."

----------------------------------------------------------

Another possibility is that of a male midlife crisis:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mid-life_crisis
http://midlifecrisisforum.com/6/ubb.x?s=3106003104
http://www.pathpartners.com
http://fortysixty.invisionzone.com/index.php?act=idx
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=28&page=1
http://lifetwo.com/production/node/20060824-types-of-midlife-crisis

Not everybody has a Mid Life Crisis -- most people go through a Mid Life Transition. About one third cannot cope with the MLT and it becomes a crisis. "MLT becomes a MLC when it takes on the "self-medication" of affairs, rampant spending, and other such unwise and hurtful behaviour."

MLTs/MLCs are triggered by some life-altering event such as the death of a parent, loss of an important job, onset of menopause, etc; even your children growing up and leaving home... "Empty Nest Syndrome"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Empty_nest_syndrome
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/womenshealth/features/ens.htm
http://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/emptynest.html

----------------------------------------------------------

You may eventually have to do "a 180" for your own sanity (to allow yourself to heal):

http://survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/divorce/no_contact.asp
http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11
http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/addiction.htm

You may also need to detach emotionally:

This is a good place to start understanding detachment:
http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm

Establishing Healthy Boundaries in Relationships:
http://www.coping.org/relations/boundar/intro.htm

Doing "Plan A" and/or "Plan B" might help...
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

----------------------------------------------------------

Many codependents are mutually attracted to partners with narcissistic traits...

More on Narcissists:
http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/personality_disorders/narcissism/faq6.html
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/FAQ/1804
http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/personality_disorders/narcissism/faq_index.html

[aqua]

Hi David

Thaks very much for the links. They'll keep me busy reading for a while !!

...maybe found somebody better, you will realise that your husband may have done you a favour!

I couldn't bear the thought of getting involved again !! Plus the fact that despite everything I still love my husband. I must be nuts!!

"As long as I do not love myself then there must be something wrong with someone who loves me - and if someone doesn't love me than I have to prove I am worthy by winning that person back."

True - I have never loved myself. I always wondered what my husband saw in me...I think it's too hard to prove I'm worthy. Too much has gone on, it's passed the point of no return.

"The best relationships are made of wanting to be with the other person, but not needing to be. I think that goes for married relationships, too."

I think my husband thought I needed him rather than wanted him. I guess that's why I have been restricting his access to the children. Just to prove to him that I don't need him to help he with the family etc. I've managed quite well as a single mum so far. I've projected the image of someone moving on, refreshing my appearance, looking happier, giving 110% at work etc but on the inside I'm a mess. This is the side nobody sees. I go to Relate counselling, but I'm not sure what good it's doing, plus it doesn't help when my counsellor starts snoring and I have jangle my keys to wake him!

"... people choose to be with partners who remind them of the parent with whom they had the most unresolved issues ... it leads the person to choose essentially the same type of relationship time and time again ... the partner might come in different packages but the contents are emotionally similar..."

Had to laugh - totally not true in my case.

I've been doing NC but I don't think it's doing much good.

Anyway, thanks again for the links David, it's much appreciated and it's given me plenty to think about.

Aqua

[David H]

I couldn't bear the thought of getting involved again !!

Because you are not ready yet! Given time, you will be!

Plus the fact that despite everything I still love my husband.

Been there, doing that... (but not with your husband!)

David

[Desperate]

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/4368/coping_with_infidelity_and_divorce.html (http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/4368/coping_with_infidelity_and_divorce.html)

I can't recall how I came across this Site but anyway, it is a must read for all you out there. Have a look.

Sean