Marriage Problem / Please help

[saveld]

My wife and I have been married for 23 years. We have 3 children, 19, 17, 10. I thought that we had a good marriage. We argued but I always thought that we would work everything out. My wife works in the mental health field. When I was 9, I was abused by my older brother. I never told anyone until I met my future wife in college. I thought that she would leave me but she stood by me. In Jan. of this year, my wife got really upset with me. I had a heart attack 6 years ago due to smoking. I quit right after but have smoked off and on for the past year. In January, my wife told me she was tired of my lies about smoking. She looked at me and said that she did not think that she loved me anymore. She said she wasn't sure if she would ever love me again. We have been living in limbo ever since. She claims that I have always been controling to her. She told me that she has been unhappy in our marriage for the past 20 years. I was floored. I have always been quite, maybe because of the abuse. My wife had always told me to seek help but I thought that I didn't need it. I was wrong. She said that I didn't help out enough around the house. In the past 3 months, I have started theropy, I have helped her around the house, but it dosen't seem to be enough. There seems to be a wall between us. I begged her to go to marriage counciling with me. She refused. She said that I was the one who needed help, not her. I got home from a business trip last week and she told me that she made an appointment with the councilour. I thought this is great but why did it take 2 1/2 months to come to this desicion. We live in a small rual town in Michigan. I have always had problems with her family. She has two sisters who married local boys. I have always been on the outside as far as her parents. I felt like an outsider. We live 2 doors down from her parents. I met with her parents to tell them how I felt. We talked for 3 hours and I think that we have worked out our issues. My wife told me that she was afraid that my parents were going to hate her for what was going on in our marriage. She wanted me to finally tell my parents what my brother did to me. I finally got the courage to do that. It did not make a difference. No change at all. Whenever we would argue, she would bring up the abuse and blame that as the root of our problems. I think that that is a part of it but, we are both stubburn and like things our own way. I love my wife very much. I want this marriage to work but I feel that I am the only one who does. I think that she loves me but she is hurt and is trying to hurt me right now. I do not know what to do. I try to be nice and do whatever she needs but it dosen't seem to be enough. Is the marriage over? Should I continue trying or just give up? I just don't know.

[Ray L]

I dont understant this thing
I have been married 10 years and Im in trouble, my head hurts thinking about it. Our marriage has been a constant roller coaster, fights and make ups accusations and blaming and we have 5 children, how crazy is that.
She is now a fully fledged member of AA and I am sick of everything. I just cant take the up and down any more, I am 40 this year and I feel that the last 10 years besides the children whom I love have just been a series of dysfunctional blunders from one mess to the next.
I have reached the end f the line **** it anyway, I am so tired, I feel so ****ing alone and lost. If I leave I loose the kids and everything but whats the point in keeping this up for another 20n years, I could go insane
regards
Ray

[Raymond]

Hi Saveld. You seem to have your problems but I think your wife is being a bit paranoic about you being abused. It seems like she is blaming it for everything when it wasn't really your fault. I was abused over quite a long period at the same age you were. It can be overcome. (In my case I gradually became whole through christian faith, but that's just by the way).

I think all you can do is keep loving her and expressing it in helpful and practical way, like getting help for yourself for instance. She will do what she does and you can't control that, but that doesn't stop you doing the right thing. At least you will be putting up a fight for the marriage and for your self esteem as well. Consider it a wake up call to get things sorted out which only you can sort out.

Ray why has your wife turned to drink or was this a problem when you married her? At least she is trying to help herself. she will need your help as well although you need help also it seems.

Raymond

[saveld]

Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Last night I had my golf league. When I came home, my wife was working in the yard. I thought that it would be a good time to talk. Two weeks ago, when we went to church, I cried in church. We go to the church where we were married and all of our children were baptised. I started to think about happier times and I guess my emotions got the best of me. My wife said that it was embarrasing to her. This past Sunday, I got up early to go to church. My wife went to 10:00 a.m. mass and I went to 8:00 a.m. mass. I was afraid that I would cry in front of her again so I wanted to go by myself and sure enough, I did. All Sunday, my wife was distant to me. I thought that she was mad at me for going to church without her. Yesterday, I told her why I went to mass by myself. She said why are you telling me this. You never went to church with me in the last 20 years. I know that this is not true but I let it go. After 23 years of marriage, I can't beleive that it is coming to an end. I am trying to save our marriage, doing anything that I can but it does not seem to be enough. She made an appointment to see the theropist this Monday but I do not know why. I do not think that she wants to save our marriage. I think that she wants out. If you did not have a 10 year old son, I think that she would be gone already. When we were talking, she said that I had ruin the marriage by my anger. I am in theropy dealing with my issues and I think that it is helping. I know that it will take time but I do not think that it will help. I have hurt my wife and I think that she has given up on our marriage. I wonder sometimes if she has found somebody else to give her the happiness that she desearves. I never thought that we would be in this situation but we are. The talk did not go well. When we went to bed, it was like a wall was in the middle of us. I stayed up until 2:00 a.m. thinking about my life and crying. I love her so much and there isin't a darn thing that I can do. I hope when she sees the theropist that she will see that our marriage is worth saving but right now, I think that it is a lost cause. It will take two to work on the marriage. I am tired of trying without any hope. I hurt so much. I cry all the time. She told me last night that when I went to see my parents last summer for 3 weeks that she did not want me to come home. It just seems that she wants to hurt me all of the time, anyway that she can. Everyone that I talk to tells me that every marriage that last a long time will go through something like this. I just do not know how much longer I can take this. She told me that I didn't help her enough around the house and I am doing that now. She said I was controling and I have backed off and given her her space. It just is not enough. I feel so lost and alone. She has her family and I have nobody in this town. I miss my wife. I want her back. What can I do?

[Helen_uk]

saveld

I know what you're going through as I'm in a similar situation but there really isn't anything you can do to make someone love you or want you.

My partner has already left and I thought it would only take me a few weeks to get over it, but I don't think I realised how painful it would be.. and is.

If you have no family locally then you need to find support anyway you can , is there no-one in your church that offers any form of counselling ?

My partner too told me that things needed to change but over the course of the last 3 weeks he has just become more and more distant and I think , although I threw him out because of his infidelity, deep down it was what he wanted, I released him and he's ok with that. He is busy planning his new life whilst I struggle on trying to survive . Life is hard and it is lonely and soemtimes I'm not sure I can keep going, but what's the alternative ?

Like me , you have children, so there isn't a choice ,I'm told it gets easier but there is no time frame, everyone is different.

Take support from wherever you can and don't be ashamed to cry , it can help release the tension ( I've cried buckets the last few weeks ) but it won't bother your wife if she has already withdrawn her feelings, these days I do my crying alone.

Take good care of yourself.

Helen

[saveld]

Thanks Helen. I guess it helps just talking about my problems with someone. I know that you cannot make someone love you. I think that my wife still loves me but she is just hurting right now. In theorpy, I have learned that when someone is hurting, they lash out out at people who they love because the think that they will always be there. I guess what really has floored me was that my wife said that she has been unhappy for 20 years. My wife has always been someone who has always spoke what she felt. I don't understand how I could have missed the feelings of her unhappiness. I keep running back our marriage in my mind, trying to pick up on any signs that we were in trouble and I just can't see them. We agrued but always talked through our problems. I just do not know anymore. I will continue seeing my theropist and getting help. I always thought that it would help us get back together but I have to come to the conclusion that there is a good chance that we are over. I need to get better for me and my children. I think that it takes 2 people to make a marriage work. One way or another, things will get better. My dad always told me that you have to hit rock bottom before you get to the top. I feel that I am at the bottom of a cave, trying to work my way out and every time that I make 1 step forward, I slip and fall back 2 steps. It cannot go on this way. I want to live a happy and productive life. I hope that it will include the woman that I love but if not, so be it. I will always love my wife, no matter what happens with our marriage. She is my soul mate. I hope that we can work things out. I guess that we will see.

[saveld]

Monday, April 30, 2007
My wife is going to the therapist today at 2:00 p.m. I hope that she will get some answers and help for our relationship. I went to a conference on Thursday and stayed until Sat. Evening. I bought my wife some flowers and left them on the table. She did not even thank me for them. I thought that I should not call my wife when I was gone because I know that she needed her space. She did not call either so I guess things have not changed at all. Went to church yesterday by myself. I was doing really good until the priest started to talk about forgiveness. I started to cry again. I wish that I could control it better. I am not crying a lot but when I do, I really let go. I tried to help my wife yesterday in the yard but she didn’t want any at all. She told me that she liked to do it herself. My sister keeps telling me that I need to protect myself and my children. It just seems that my wife is a different person anymore. I do not know if it is the change of life or that she just cannot stand me anymore. I keep thinking that I will wake up and everything will be back to normal. I do not think things will ever be the same again. I feel lost and confused in my life. I always thought that my wife and I would be together always but now, I think that it is over. I just do not know what she is waiting for. She has told me that I have changed and she likes it but that I should have changed 20 years ago. How can I change if my wife did not even tell me that she was so unhappy. I wonder sometimes if my wife has found someone else, either emotionally or sexually. She is so distant to me anymore. I hear say I love you to her friend on the phone and I just cry. I just want to hear her say I love you to me again so much. I don’t think it will ever happen. I hope, one way or another, she will make up her mind what she wants to do. I can wait because I do and will always love her, but I do not think that it is good for our children to prolong this. One way or another, she needs to decided weither she wants to work on the marriage or get a divorce. I just want her and myself to be happy. Through therapy, I have found out that I cannot make my wife love me, I cannot make her do anything that she does not want to do. All I can do is wait for her to decide what she wants. I hope that she will decide soon because it is tearing me up inside. One way or another, this needs to be on the way to solution.

[Raymond]

You can only do what you can do Saveld. She is going through something, but at least she is trying to get help by going to a therapist. Try not to blame yourself for everything. It is a difficult time for you. I think you have to live a little bit like a single person for a while to get you through this period. Standing back may help you to see a little clearer while she is like this. When she needs you you will know it.

Raymond

[saveld]

I agree with what you are saying. I had golf last night and when I got home my wife had just gotten back from the therapist. I could tell that she had been crying and I just wanted to comfort her but my therapist had told me that it was very important that I not ask her how her appointment went and what she talked about so I didn't. It was hard seeing how unhappy she was but I think that she would have been more upset if I tried to comfort her. I will wait for her to talk to me. I noticed that she has made another appointment with the marriage councilour for two weeks from now. I think that we will probably need to go together. I am not looking forward to that but at least that should be a 1st step into helping our marriage one way or another. I guess we will see.

[saveld]

Wednesday, May 2, 2007
We went to my sons concert last night. I had to pick up my daughter from a track meet and then take her to a friends house for her class. I got to the concert a few minutes before the start and my wife asked me to go to her car to get the camera. I was afraid that I would miss my sons singing but I got back in time. My wife barely spoke to me at the concert. I tried to start up a conversation with her in between the groups but I know that she did not want to talk to me. After the concert, she took my son to get some ice cream, I was not invited, we were in separate cars, so I drove home. We watched TV with my wife and son for a little while but barely spoke. I was tired after the early fire call so I was in an out of sleep. It is getting to the point that I do not even want to be home anymore. No matter what I do, it is not enough. No matter what, she does not want to have a relationship with me. I feel so alone. I guess my wife feels that I have really hurt her. Whenever we talk about the relationship, she zings me pretty hard, trying to hurt me as hard as she can. I do not know how much longer I can take this. This morning, I woke up, and I was hugging my wife in bed and she kind of was hugging me with one arm, barely. It was 6:00 a.m. And for some reason, I started to cry. I went into the bathroom so my wife could not see me cry. I got dress, and even though it was early, I went to work. I cried the whole way to work. I went to my office and just cried for 10 minutes. I was thinking about my life and marriage. It just seems like there is no point to it anymore, the marriage that is. I know that my wife has seen the marriage councilor, and I thought that it would get better but it has not. She has another appointment for 2 weeks from now but she has not told me if I am supposed to be there. I have an appointment with my therapist today. I hope that it gets better soon. I have my good days and bad days, probably ½ and ½ . I just wish that she would talk to me. I think that we can work out our issues but we need to discuss them.

[tes uk]

I have been married almost 23yrs. Now my husband tells me he is not in love with me anymore . this revelation came about after much promptoing about why he was so distant with me, He says i am his best friend and that he loves me but is not in love with me.... my head is all over the place aND I DONT KNOW know what to do or how to act. We decided to try and work on things and over the past few weeks we have gone away for the weekend and tried to recapture what we had... I am trying so hard to be what he wants and trying not to be clingy but it is so hard not to continually ask him how he feels about me. I feel he is just hear because of the kids and because he doesnt want to hurt me. I feel that he is waiting for me to come to terms with things and that then he wiil go... please help..

[David H]

I have been married almost 23yrs.

[....]

... please help..

Best to start a new thread of your own....

David

[Raymond]

It just seems like there is no point to it anymore, the marriage that is. I know that my wife has seen the marriage councilor, and I thought that it would get better but it has not. She has another appointment for 2 weeks from now but she has not told me if I am supposed to be there.

But that is a good sign Saveld. She is interested in solving the marriage problems, that is why she is seeing the counselor. Try and be patient and allow her the space to get sorted out. She seems to be trying.

Raymond

[saveld]

I know that it is a good sign. She is finally seeing someone about our marriage and I am happy about that but it is so hard to be in the same house with her and basically not have contact. We talk about family things but whenever I try to bring up the relationship, all she wants to do is hurt me. For the last 3 weeks, I have been very careful about what I talk about to her. I make sure that I never bring up our relationship because it just sets her off. I hope that this is the beginning of a new day in our relationship but one never knows. I am afraid that when we both go that it will be a very hurtful experience. I have talked to my
therapist and she said the 1st meeting will be the hardest, that there are hard feelings and issues that need to be worked out on both sides. I need to remember why we are there and keep my cool no matter what. When I met with the marriage councilor, she said that she would meet with me once and then meet with my wife once. My wife is going for her 2nd meeting on the 14. She must have alot of issues. It helps to write about our problems and get other peoples ideas about it. Thank you for answering.

[David H]

whenever I try to bring up the relationship, all she wants to do is hurt me.

Your wife has a lot of anger.... and anger must always have an object

When you have healed more, you will be able to take her anger, she will feel release and you will both be better for it...

David

[saveld]

Thursday, May 3, 2007
In preperation for our 1st meeting with the marriage councilor, I have decided to write a list of pluses and minuses of our marriage:
Pluses
1. She is a loving person.
2. She is a great cook.
3. She is my best friend.
4. She is always willing to try anything for me just to make me happy.
5. She is a great mother.
6. She has always been respectful of my family.
7. She has always not had a problem with me taking our children to see my parents for a month in AZ.
8. Her love has been total until now.
9. She is a great person.
10. She is a wonderful lover.
11. She is a good person.


Minuses
1. She told her family that I was abused, even though I had asked her not to. I feel that it was a break of a confidence.
2. She can be very stubborn, as I can be. We like things our own way.
3. She can be hurtful in the things that she says.
4. She has always taken her family side whenever there were any problems between her family and I. Example...When her parents refused to ask us if we wanted to live in their house when we were building our house even though they had let her other 2 sisters live in their house when they were building. I thought that it was an insult. She took her parents side and said that it would not have worked out. Her parents didn’t even offer the choice and I was hurt. She did not see my point. There have many other instances of this.
5. She has no idea and doesn't understand how hard it has been to live in the same town that all of her family lives in. When we have an argument, she goes right to her sisters and talks to them about it.
6. We do not communicate well. We do not tell each other what is bothering us. This leads to many arguments.
7. She is closer to her work friend, a female, than me. She says I love you to her on the phone which really bothers me.
8. She said that she has been unhappy for 20 years and yet had never said anything about it until now, communication issues.
9. She feels that all of our problems are my fault and I think that we both have had problems with each other in the marriage.

Things that I think That she has had problems with me.
1. My smoking. I have lied about my smoking to her. I have been smoke free for 2 months now.
2. Lack of communication from me.
3. I had a problem calling a porn site for several years. I just do not understand why I did it. I was getting enough love from her. It was a form of release but also it was a form of cheating that I have stopped since this all has happened.
4. I have had a problem with lying for years. Through therapy, I am now dealing with it and I am not doing it anymore.
5. I had an anger issue that was probably due to the fact that I was sexually abused in my youth. Instead of talking about what was bothering me, I would hold it in until I blew. After I blew up, I was fine but this was not healthy. In therapy, I have found ways to let go of the anger without letting it build up.
6. She thinks that I have verbally abused her and our children. I was always the disciplinarian in the family. When she was growing up, I think her father was very strict. He told his kids where to go, how to do it. She is worried that because I was a strict father, that I verbally abuse the children. I have talked to the kids and they do not feel that way. I think that with my anger issues that I did verbally abuse my wife. This is probably why she never told me how unhappy she was in our marriage and I feel very sad for it.
I am currently in therapy for my anger and I have found ways to let my anger go in a healthy way. When all of our problems came to the surface in January, I tried to make changes for the good. She said that I didn’t help out enough around the house. I am now doing my share. I have stopped lying and smoking. I have tried to be nicer to her and my family. I am in therapy. Her only comments lately is that the changes are twenty years to late. I am hoping that through marriage counciling, we can work on our problems and save our marriage. Hopefully it is not too late.

[saveld]

Friday, May 4, 2007
I had my band concert last night. I wanted to make sure that I thanked everyone and I also said thank you to my wife. Usually, she waits to tell me how the band did after the concert but last night she just left without talking to me. No big surprise but it did hurt that she did not talk to me. I know that she is seeing the marriage councilor and that is a good thing but it is so hard. I feel so alone. My dad called my father in law yesterday. He was just trying to help but because he called I had to go over to their house and talk to them. They did not know how much I had told my parents. My father in law started up again about my problems. I told him that both my wife and I have problems together and that nobody can help us go through this. I did tell him that I wish that I would have never moved to the same town that my wife's family lived in. He asked me why and I told him because it would have forced Lori and I to communicate better. He seemed upset when I said it. I always thought that we could work things out but I just do not know anymore. My wife is finally seeing someone to talk about how she is feeling and I should be happy about that but I am just so sad. This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I cried again and my daughter saw me. It hurts so much to see the pain in her eyes. She knows that I am having a hard time with this and there is nothing that she can do. I just believe that it has to get better. Things cannot stay the way that they are. When my wife is around me, she has such a hurt look on her face. When a friend calls, she brightens up and that hurts even more because that is the look that she use to have when she talked to me and that doesn't happen anymore. Maybe I should move out to give my wife a chance to think about things. I just do not know anymore. I think that my wife has already made the decision to end the marriage but she doesn't want to be the one to end the marriage. I can only believe that it has to get better, one way or another. I just know that sooner or later, things will have to change. I think that if my wife and I get back together, how am I going to live in this town. My wife has told her family everything about our problems. How can I look at her family and know that they know everything. It is so embarrassing.

[saveld]

Monday, May 7, 2007
Not much has changed in my life. My wife is still being very distant to me. I did tell her parents that if we have a family function, and my wife's friend y is there that I will leave. I do not feel comfortable around her. I think that she has been the driving force behind my wife being the way that she is, right or wrong. Based on what happened at the Easter dinner, with my wife hanging around her and not me, I just do not want to be near her. I have decided that I have done all that I can to save this marriage. My wife has an appointment next Monday with the theorpist but I do not think anything will change. She will not see the feelings that I have concerning her family. She will just blame my feelings on the sexual abuse and say that her family has treated me just right which I feel is not the truth. My wife has always sided with her family when a problem has come up in our relationship. I used to understand that and be able to handle it but I guess that I just had enough. Someone can only take so much. My wife has decided to take us down this path. I do not know where it is going to lead us. I think that she has already made the choice to split but feels that she needs to see the theorpist just to say that she tried to save the marriage. The wall between us is growing and there is no way to stop it. I know now that she does not love me and probably never will again. I need to do what is best for me and my children. I think that that means to separate from my wife. It might lead to a divorce, probably, but it is not healthy for us to remain together. The children see what is going on and I think that it is started to bother them. I am not looking forward to Mother’s Day. I will try and be as nice as possible to my wife and give her the day but it sure will be hard. I know she will want to spend it with her friend. Yesterday, I did the clothes, vacuumed the house, and cooked dinner for my wife and I did not even get a thank you until I told her that I had vacuumed. What a surprise. Oh well. Another day without my wife. I guess that I am really getting used to it. It is not hurting me as much anymore. I guess you can get used to anything if it happens long enough.

[Helen_uk]

saveld

Have you thought about seeking therapy for yourself ? Sometimes it helps to have someone to listen just to you, and to pour out all the hurt and fear too.

It sounds as though, mentally at least, you are preparing to move on.

I hope either way, things work out for you.

Take care.

Helen x

[saveld]

Helen,

I have been in therapy for the past 2 months. With what was going on between my wife and I, I just could not deal with it by myself. When I 1st started going, I told my wife. Her responce was that she thought it was a good thing but it was 20 years too late. This is one on the reasons that I feel so depressed. No matter what I do, whatever I try to change, it is not enough. We have been having these problems, at least they have come to the surface, for 4 months. She is only now agreeing to see the marriage councilor and I do not think that it is even her choice. I think that her parents forced her into seeing the councilor. My wife never told me how unhappy she had been for the past 20 years. We had 3 children during this time. She couldn't have been that unhappy if we had 3 children could she? I just do not know anymore. My wife is seeing the marriage councilor for the 2nd time on Monday. I dread, if it will ever happen, the 1st meeting that we will have together. I think that my wife has alot of anger that she needs to deal with. I sound like a sap but I love her so much. I hurts me to see what we have become but I cannot live this way anymore. I need to have some solution to our problems. I cannot keep feeling this low and drepressed.

[saveld]

My wife and I have finally had a talk about our marriage on Sat. night. She went and saw the councilour last Monday. I thought that it would help us and point us to the road to recoverary. Boy was I ever wrong. She brought up things that she felt were wrong in the marriage. It was really hurtful but I did not get angry or mad. I tried to listen to her. She said that we have not communicated for years and I agree with her. We have never felt comfortunable to tell each other how we felt about each other. She said that when she would get home from work, I would never talk to her and that hurt her alot. She said that she does not see any problem in the way that her family has treated me in the past. I guess that I should have seen that coming. She has always picked her family over me. T really thought that we had a chance, that we could work things out but after talking to her, I see that we do not. We are living a sham marriage right now. I think that she wants to end the marriage but she does not want to be the one to file. I have been meeting with my thearpist now for 2 months. We have been making progress with the issues that I have. I guess when I started, I thought that I would be working on saving the marriage but now I see that I need to work on me. My wife has given up on the marriage. I need to realize that and move on. There is so much hate and anger in her eyes. I do not know where it is all coming from. I asked her if she had had an affair and she told me now and said that she was upset that I could even ask her that. I think that she has been having an emotional affair with her best friend at work. Her friend has become her confidant, replacing me and it hurts so much. My wife told me she has felt this way for 2 years but again, she never told me how she was feeling. How was I supposed to know that she was this unhappy? I see that she does not trust me anymore and most likely never will again. That really hurts the most. When all of this started with my wife in Jan. I thought that my 2 older children needed to know that I was abused so I told them. Now my wife said I should have never said anything to them. So much for honesty. The marriage councilor has referred her to someone else to help my wife. My wife finally told me why she had been seeing so many doctors in the past few weeks. They found a lump in her breast. Breast cancer runs in her family. She said that it was none of my business and that is why she had not told me. I guess I need to get on with my life. I was hoping that things would change after she told me what she was so unhappy for but it has only made it worse. I keep thing that I should have seen this coming. Looking back, I see that there were signs but I choose not to see them. I still love my wife and feel that she is my soul mate but after talking with her, that is not enough. She does not feel the same way about me and I need to move on. I have a meeting with my thearpist tomorrow and I am going to dicuss with her about a seperation. Maybe if we do not see each other every day, it will be eaiser to deal with. I feel so empty inside. I have lost my best friend forever and it hurts so much.

[saveld]

Well, its been a while so here goes. I went to visit my parents in Az in June and my wife informed me that she was filing for divorce. I interviewed an attn. from Az and filed before her to protect my rights. I still love my wife but I know that our marriage is at an end. I have my good days and my bad days. I try not to cry in front of the children. it has been very hard and I am continuing my theorpy but it hurts so much. My lawyer said it should be all over by Christmas. Merry Christmas.

[saveld]

I went to therapy today and dealt with alot of issues concerning my upcoming divorce. I need to let go of my wife. The marriage is over and I need to realize that. I have tried everything that I could to show my wife that I love her and that we could work on the marriage but she has given up. We have our lawyers and this is the road that she has chosen. She is agrees to joint custody for our child but she wants phyiscal custidy to her. This will be a problem. My lawyer tells me that that will mean that she will determine when and how I can see my child. This is not exceptable. We should have joint custody. My family is leaving for a week vacation with her side to Virginia Beach. I will miss them and it will be lonely without them but I need to get through this period in my life. I wish that god would take the love that I have in my heart for my wife. It would make it so much easier to deal with. I still love her and probably always will but I need to move on.

[saveld]

I have been having a hard time coping with everything. My wife and I are still living in the same house and will until the divorce is final. I feel like a failure because of the breakup. i know that i cannot force my wife to love me again but when I look into my sons eyes and he ask me if we are getting back together, it hurts so much. I realize that I have hurt my wife but I have corrected the problems that I brought into the marriage but it does not do any good. I keep saying I can do this, divorce, but now I do not know if I can. The more that we get into it, the more sad I get. I want to try and work on this marriage but wife wife does not. I just do not know what to do. I want her back but it is not going to happen. I hope that god can help me through this painful time. I feel so lost and alone.

[asiarose27]

Hi
So sorry for your pain and sympathise the feeling of lost & feel alone
Please do not feel you're alone.As you can see there are lots of people with the same problems & pains like yours.At least you & your wife are church goers and believed in God:that will help you a lot while you'll go through of divorse process.
Don't feel it that was all your fault,childhood problem is a part of your behaviour but nobody is perfect.Please forgive yourself,your wife,and instead of feeling lost & feel alone,please pray.When i lost my dad unexpectedly & my mom passed away:i felt so emptied and felt alone & lost.My husband couldn't sympathised & empathised my feelings of lost & alone.He didn't helped me at all.I cried everyday & night for over a years and still i'm feeling so sad when i think about them.I didn't feel happy for years and i searched for happiness although i'm a buddhist i tried meditation which helped only for while you're doing.Then i found'The 7th Great Prayers for an abundant & blessed life''and '' prayer power for peace & happiness''(21 days affirmation prayers) at www.prayerpower.com (http://www.prayerpower.com). i found peace & happiness and felt loved.please try to read a book''Prayers for people under Pressure by Jonathan Aitaken'' published in 2005 at www.continuum (http://www.continuum) books.com.It's including for the pain & feel alone of divorce process.Hope prayers will help you!
Saw

[saveld]

I have finally accepted the notion of the divorce. It is not what I want and I do not believe in it but my wife is going to continue it weither I accept this or not. I will always love my wife but sometimes, that is not enough. I will get through this one way or another. It will be a tuff road but things will get better. They have to. With God's help, I will be a whole person again. I know that I will be okay and I hope that Lori will finally be happy.