please help if you can

[maggieduck]

i have been married 9 years but been with my husband for 25 years we where very young high school sweethearts have 3 kids he cheated on me about 12 years ago and i put it down to us getting together so young we had 2 kids then so i gave him a chance and he promised he would never hurt me like that again we plodded along had another kid got married the house ect just a year and a half ago we lost his father to cancer which was very very traumatic to us as we had to do the caring and running up and down ect anyway cut a long story short caught him texting another woman it worked out the where friends but he left me insurce so i asked him to do a lie detector test as i felt he was lying to me phoned up booked it then the bombshell came he confessed to having 3 one stands 2 of which he used protection one he never i am totally devastated cant sleep always feeling ill we had such a good strong marriage i have lost count at the amount of people who said how great a couple and what a brilliant marriage we have and he threw it all away we are still together at the moment i am awaiting another house he wants another chance he promised he will never do that again he will give his nights out up as thats when he cheated i am so angry the time i was nursing his dad he was cheating how could he and even now we are left looking after his mother i have to do most things for her and he treated me like this i have never cheated on him or even looked at anyone else i am so gutted and the kids my god how hurt they where when i told the that we are separating but he keeps crying and begging for another chance and i don't know what to do i love him but i cant forgive him my heart is truly broken i really don't think i can stay but if i go we lose the house it would be a big financial struggle and more so the kids i can hardly deal with the hurt and i am trying to be strong but i am falling apart my parents ans some friends know we are splitting up but they don't know the reason behind it as i choose not to tell them i just cant believe he could do this to me he said there was no problems with us that its was just something that happened he thought he would get away with it and took the chance it was not the drink or our marriage and he is so sorry and has realized what he is losing and would do anything to keep us but i just cant i am so hurt at the moment and if i do decide to stay i really don't think our marriage can survive this i wish at times i could sleep and never get back up again the pain is so hard i always thought i had a great husband he has totally ruined my life this was his only fault what a fool he is as i know i was a good wife would do anything i could for him i worshiped the ground he walked on and he has 3 great kids he is a good dad and husband apart for this cheating if anyone one can be of help or give some advice i would be great full thanks

[Anne22]

Hi Maggieduck,

Not sure I am best placed to give you the advice you so need but just wanted you to know I am here for you and share some thoughts!

I to am in a similar position and have to tell the kids this weekend which the thought of is killing me - seems to be questioning my every move.

You are doing really well - you have already forgiven him in the past - so therefore he knew the boundaries. I know it is so hard when you love someone so much and of the loss of sleep blurs your rational thinking- I like you just cant believe that they would throw everything away so easily,

You looking after his family while he was messing around gives it a whole new meaning - I know from what you have written you are a kind and loving mum daughter and wife. Do not reproach yourself - you are not in control of his choices. He made very selfish decisions without a thought for you and the kids! I often wonder why people are capable of repeating this kind of betrayal like you and my husbands!!! Is it a behavioural pattern that they cannot break?

I know it feels like your life has been wasted - me too sometimes - however you have 3 great kids and a great future ahead whatever you choose!

I too have been very strong in front of the kids but fall apart and cry whenever they are not around - I have been seeing a great cousellor who has just very simply shown me that I am better than that - a survivor and should only chose love and positive things. The hard bit is deciding whether I feel my h can give me what I need anymore, without me being bitter and always feeling like I need to look over my shoulder for the rest of my life! Would he do it again?

Perhaps your being honest with your parents and friends might help you to make a few decsions - hard I know I protected my h for years but have now shared my torture and hurt, I must say sharing has given me alot more strength to cope.

Cope we must for the sake of the kids - go seek couselling if you havent already and be honest with your friends and family.

I too seemed to have a brilliant marriage - the perfect couple etc - met when 12 started dating at 17 and been together since - 25 years - 20 married! Never had another boyfriend! Here I am having just turned 43!!!!

I also feel like all my hopes and dreams are shattered but we do deserve love and honesty which however hard it is to stomach our h's have not been able to give us.

Good luck and keep strong - you have such a future - remember that - you are and have been a good wife - dont beat yourself up!!!

Take care - thinking of you today

((HUGS))

Love Anne22 xx

[David H]

just a year and a half ago we lost his father to cancer which was very very traumatic to us as we had to do the caring and running up and down ect anyway cut a long story short caught him texting another woman .... then the bombshell came he confessed to having 3 one stands ..... i just cant believe he could do this to me he said there was no problems with us that its was just something that happened ....


Sounds like your H is having a male midlife crisis (this is often triggered by the loss of a parent):
http://midlifecrisisforum.com/6/ubb.x?s=3106003104
http://www.pathpartners.com
http://fortysixty.invisionzone.com/index.php?act=idx
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=28&page=1

You may eventually have to do "a 180" for your own sanity (to allow yourself to heal):
http://survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/divorce/no_contact.asp
http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

You may also need to detach emotionally:
This is a good place to start understanding detachment:
http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm

David

[maggieduck]

hi i would like to thank ann and david for there posts i am just at a loss just now i am going to read up on the links that david has posted ann i know where your coming from its been a nightmare i keep hopeing to waken up and its just a dream but sadly its all true i just don't know how to go on from here i know he is trying very hard giving me more affection than he has ever in the 25 years i do think he realizes whats he has stand to lose i know i deserve better than what he has give me as a person but i am torn for family reasons and the kids and also myself i have never been alone left my parents house and we moved in together i love him with all my heart but i refuse to him cheating i just cant do that really believe in marriage but can it be healed if we stay together i know he says he will give everything up but is that a life for him only going out when we are together doing things together all the time not having his own freedom half of me would love that us being together all the time if it was before he cheated then that would be different i just don't know the way i feel i will never again trust him no matter what i am being paranoid just now when he texts when he is at work and its not good for me any way need to go just now to see to the kids once again thanks for posting back i do feel a little better writing it all down on here maybe some of it does not make sence but it makes me feel better talking about it take care for now

[Anne22]

maggieduck

I am with you when you talk about being torn for family reasons and the kids - I battle with that one everyday and am getting closer to the day that I tell the kids! Afterall all I wanted was a happy life and future with my family unit - a hubby who loved and cared etc!!! This is not what I have had!!! I hate to admit it but not had that for years!!! Probably best part of 10 years - in fact most of my sons life!

Time apart may be the key for you too - perhaps he needs to know what life would be like without you and the family for support!! He would then realise what he stands to lose!!!

I am sure my h is having a rude awakening at the moment - been staying away this past week - my decision not his!!! Dont think he ever thought I would throw him out!

Like you I dont know if I can ever trust him again and you and I will not be living a good life if we are constantly needing reassurance that they are being faithfull, honest etc !! I know I need to be loved and respected - good starting point!

Good luck in your decisions - keep strong and take care.

((HUGS))

Love Anne22 xx