Me again. Need to vent, thanks. [Archive] - 2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums

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Hopeful0788

18th April 2007, 02:03 AM

WAWAWAWAWA AGH AGH AGH AAAAGH! Can I just say I don't know if I know who I am anymore and I know for a fact I don't know who my husband is anymore. Although I have absolutely no idea why, today was a horrible day. I was so filled with an unexplainable anger that I couldn't even act half normal.

Today was my husband's birthday and I woke up thinking I would do something nice for him today. I asked him if he wanted a special dinner or something and he said he had school tonight and would not be home until late so he didn't want anything. I knew this and didn't feel angry at all when he told me. I got up went to work and he went to work. Everything was fine. The I was on my way home an the world drastically changed to me for some very unknown reason.

All of a sudden I was very irrational, angry and filled with a very odd feeling of rage. I got home and my son was whiny because he missed his nap and I just started crying uncontrollably, again I can't explain it.

My husband came home from work to shower and change for school and I was very hateful even though I was trying not to be. He asked me what was wrong and I told him I hated him and he was what was wrong with my whole life because he had ruined it. Not sure where this came from because I don't believe that to be true....

Then as to top of the whole day for a grand finally I realized (a few hours later) that my husband was inadvertantly spending his birthday with his other woman. (They are in class together - that is where they met). Supposedly (I do believe him because she promised not to talk to him anymore) they no longer talk to each even though they are in the same classroom. So for my finally, I screamed at my children to stop whining, leave me alone and go play. Poor things, my misery is in no way there fault and I am sure they are already confused.

I am going to bed now before I do something else really stupid. I just finished apologizing and cuddling with my children and praying that my madness will end.

I am sorry this is so long but I really needed to get this off my chest. Please please pray for me as I am generally a very kind and loving person and fear that I have just lost my mind today.

David H

18th April 2007, 10:34 AM

Hopeful0788

18th April 2007, 09:25 PM

Hello David and welcome back. I appreciate your response and just wanted to give an update today. Although I feel like I have a very bad hangover type effect (I don't drink) I had a much better day today. I had my counseling appt and the counselor explained to me all about anger and the fact that it is a secondary emotion and pushed me to figure out what I was really feeling under the anger. This seems to have helped.

He also explained to me that I need to do some serious boundary setting with everyone and everything in my life and how there are basically two kinds of people in the world - givers and takers. Apparently I am a giver and haven given all I have in me so my emotional system is running on empty which explains the rollercoaster I have been feeling.

I have only had 2 visits but the way he explained my entire life to me (even things I didn't tell him) only based on the type of family I grew up in was amazing. I felt like he has known me my whole life.

Anyone have some suggestions on how I can start setting boundaries with my children without making them feel like there entire life is being turned upside down?

Here is a typical evening with me and my children - "mommy, mommy, MOMMMMEEEEY - I need this, I want that, I , I I I I about every five seconds. I try to say no and get them involved in something besides me but it always turns out with everyone being unhappy. They used to even follow me to the bathroom until I finally installed a lock on the door.

I think not having any privacy or alone time and not having my personal needs met were a few of the reasons I exploded yesterday. So my new goal is to work on me and the kids/boundaries.

Thanks for listening. Feeling better and had a good counseling session today.

David H

18th April 2007, 10:46 PM

I had my counseling appt and the counselor explained to me all about anger and the fact that it is a secondary emotion and pushed me to figure out what I was really feeling under the anger. This seems to have helped.

I have exactly the same problem. It is very common -- many different emotions are expressed as anger..

This is explained very well in "Emotional Unavailablility" by Bryn C Collins

From this book, I also realised that I am in an emotional "Grey Zone"

He also explained to me that I need to do some serious boundary setting with everyone and everything in my life and how there are basically two kinds of people in the world - givers and takers. Apparently I am a giver

Codependency again, and a feature of this is not being able to say "no" and having weak or non-existent boundaries... I have the same shortcomings...

I have only had 2 visits but the way he explained my entire life to me (even things I didn't tell him) only based on the type of family I grew up in was amazing. I felt like he has known me my whole life.

I had a similar enlightening from my own researches, backed by my weekly therapy sessions. Well worthwhile, as you are discovering.

The biggest benefit is that we will both be better people after healing ourselves and will move on to having better relationships in the future as a direct result of this.

Feeling better and had a good counseling session today.

Good!

David

Hopeful0788

19th April 2007, 01:29 AM

David - thanks again. I agree with you about coming out on the other side a better person. I have been home with my children and although no miracles have happened, I am already impressed with how much less fit throwing my son did when I immediately put him in his room and left him. He quickly realized that I was coming back and stopped his tantrum - get this- he even apologized to me (a two year old!) He came and said, "all better mommy, sorry and gave me a big kiss. WOW! Before I was always trying to get him to calm down and "explain" everything to him and he would just get worse. This is a very tiny step with a very big improvement for me.

The counselor said that I don't and should not explain anything to anyone if I don't want to and that to effectively discipline my children, I SHOULD NOT explain to them until after they have calmed down and then I should only tell them what they did wrong.

Now, I just have to figure out how to apply this to adults, ha ha ha.

It is just so pleasant to finally know there are people who TRULY understand me and who tell me that I am still a good person despite my really crappy feelings. )

Have a great night all.

Coffeebean

20th April 2007, 11:47 PM

hey hope don't be too hard on yourself. I have many a day like that and we don't even have a child yet!!!

The other day i was in such a mood with everybody i even fought with a chinees takeaway because she couldn't understand the phone number i was giving her.

I'm letting things out on the dog which i know is not a child but its the same anger where you just don't have any patience.

its perfectly reasonable for us to get cross with our h's after everything that we are going through. I actually celebrated my h's birthday and spent over £100 pounds on his treats only to be told the following day that he didn't really care for birthdays.

I think they way you handled the tot is great i hope i remember it when mine starts temper tantrums :) Don't be too hard on yourself or your kids i heard they can feel weakens in adults and are probably jumping on your last neaves. It doesn't help that your h still works with the ow. Be kind to yourself and just know your going to have days where you just want to lash out

Keep strong and god bless x