H starting to show remorse!!! HELP!!!

[Anne22]

Hi

Just looked on my email account and have just found an email posted last nite from my h along with an eard aswell!!

In it he thanks me for giving him the space to think (threw him out a week ago!!!) and that he now knows what he wants and that is to make me feel loved and to care for me!

I am having a wobbly time over this as he also sent me an E card - the first every saying SORRY PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!!!

It is as if the light bulb has just been switched on!!!

Oh what am I to do? He has never shown any remorse at all and after about 10 years of continual lying and cheating on me - I know in my mind he will do it to me again but my heart has been looking for this for so long!

What am I supposed to do when I love him so much??

Help

Love Anne22 xx

[Mike56]

Dearest Anne - a week is no time at all - and while you want him back, this man has spent 10 years cheating on you, lying to you, and making you unhappy.

May I gently suggest that YOU be the one to control WHEN / IF he comes back?

That may take you more than a week to decide, and the fact tht you are questioning things suggests you need that time. On the other hand, perhaps the short, sharp shock you delivered has brought him to his senses and he is a reformed and changed chap.

Mike

[callow]

Hi Anne

I am sure that your H is very sorry (for himself!). He has realised that there are consequences to his actions and he doesn't like the result.

His adultery is an addictive behaviour. I don't think he will be able to stop like that.

If you want him to come back, perhaps you could ask him to have 6 months of individual counselling before you start a relationship again. That way you keep the door open but you make sure that he really means what he says. Unless he has the counselling I don't think the addiction (whether it be affairs, alcohol, or violence) will have any hope of disappearing.

I have always thought to myself that if H wants to come back he will have to do this. I know he has problems and he hates counselling so for him to go through that for me and also for him would be a great start to a new relationship.

Just my thoughts

Sally

[Anne22]

Thanks

Mike - I know you are right and this week has been so liberating - I also feel he has always had all the control and by my throwing him out - things are definaley in my court now!!

I still see him as a cheat and liar but it is so hard when he has never shown any remorse at all even in the month since his mistress txt me and I allowed him to sty in the house!!! This is very different behaviour from him!!

I am in control of when and if he comes back and have sent a letter to my solicitor re: access into the house - keys etc. not sure what to do at the moment whether to change locks etc he still has his key!!

The main issue is for me at the moment is that the kids dont know he is out just that he is away - and as he is away so much anyway they havent even discussed where he is?

I know I need to tell them but its so hard and seems so final if I share it with them!!! What do you think?

I dont think I can continue knowing his most recent mistress is a senior manager at his work - he is a director!!!

Sally I know it is addictive behaviour and I am sure you are right that he feels very sorry for himself afterall he is losing the best things he could have wanted in life.

I have often said to him before I threw him out he has everything a loving wife and fantastic kids a great house and lifestyle!!! But then he always wanted more..................funny my daughter is doing GCSE Economics and says dad has 'infinite wants' - never happy with what he has got!!!! Sums him up very well actually!

I do feel I need to keep the door open but perhaps suggesting a period of separation would be he best bet!! Part of me still feels I need to divorce him and put the wheels in motion!!!

My h has never wanted to goto conselling and told the relate counsellor he was only there because I made him go - hurt me so much to hear him say that - as if he was just going through the motions and to be honest that was all it was as he was still having an affair at the time!!!

I appreciate all your thoughts thanks

Love Anne22 xx

[Mike56]

Hi Anne - keep strong! It looks like you're very much on the right track, and perhaps that thought on separation is worth following up?

Remember this is the man who has refused to go thro a process that may have helped you both - does that suggest that maybe he's either got stuff to hide or (more likely) isn't prepared to look within himself to explore his drivers and motivators and the reason why he has affairs?

Put this into one final context for you. He is a director - he is screwing one of his staff. That's not only highly unprofessional and immoral, but could well constitute gross mis-conduct depending on the context, nature of the business, supervisory contacts etc etc.

(Guess who else I know is doing that ! - Your husband doesn't work for CIC in Glasgow does he????)

Mike.

[calmfornow]

Hi everyone,
I threw my h out 9 weeks ago now and he is still doing his thinking. He too sent me a card a couple of days later apologising for what he had done but that's because he never expected to be thrown out in the first place. A week is way to soon so don't give in. Your h needs to look within himself and sort out the problems that he has because they are HIS problems not yours. Be strong, it is very hard and we are still trying but I look back now and know that this separation was needed for him and for me. I have grown and learnt so much over the past 9 weeks and continue to do so.
Take care,
Calmfornow.

[Anne22]

Mike - no he doesnt - thankfully we live in England!!!

He did refuse to go through the process you are right and I so think right now h has ended it with this current Mistress - must be quite a thing as it has been going on for 5 years and he has been working there for about that long perhaps a little longer! So replaced the other woman when we moved away very quickly!!!

He said to me that it was only about 2 years on and off with previous woman but said 3 years to the current/last mistress as it looked better!!! What is all that about!!!

He is/was screwing one of his staff - aparently in a diff department so not directly reporting to!!!

Calmfornow - thanks for that - I know what I am doing is right but sooooooooooo hard - I suppose my h only sent the card as it is realisation that I have thrown him out and he is desperate for me not to tell the kids!!!!

Thanks

Anne22 xx

[Mike56]

Hi Anne - why shouldn't the kids know? Althugh I'm not a parent, I do know that kids are remarkable resiliant and it may actually help them in understadning what's going on.

Stay strong - it will be incredibly hard for you, but this could just be the opportunity to build something wonderful rather than the pair of you just continuing repeating what seems to be the same old pattern again and again.

Mike.

[Anne22]

Mike

I am trying to be strong and I must say your posts really do help - I do feel in a strange way empowered!

I have a great counsellor who said the same - the kids are resiliant and my 14 year old daughter must have sensed something - strange though my h and I have rarely spoken in front of the kids for months now as he is away so often!

In a way good as we havent argued or shouted at eachother in front of the kids!!

I feel I will be a little relieved when they know only because I have never lied to them before and at the moment am struggling with this!!! My son is away til Sat so not having to talk to him but my daughter is here and hasnt hardly mentioned her dad since last Thurs - that is how absent he has been!

I do not feel lonely like I thougth I would coz I suppose he has never really been there for me emotionally in so many years! I am looking forward to another good nights sleep!

I miss the thought of the kids dad being here at home, I miss the thought of growing old with someone, I miss planning the future etc etc etc!!!

I am not sure if I have it in me to build something wonderful with him - not sure who he is anymore and sadly scared he would do it again and again!!!

I will not allow that to happen!

I really do appreciate your posts! Thanks

Love Anne22

[Monica_V]

Dearest Anne,

I can of course only advise you from my own experience, but you h and mine sound remarkably similar. My h also has infinite wants and is never happy with what he has.

These kind of people will never change, Anne. It has now been almost 8 weeks since my h moved out, and while the first 3 weeks were emotional hell and had he come asking to be forgiven I admit I would have taken him back, I am now feeling stronger and happier than I had in a long long time. We are trying to keep a cordial (if somewhat strained) relationship, and we are now setting the wheels in motion for a divorce ...

I was talking to a friend the other night for hours, and at one point we were wondering: Do we hold on to our cheating spouses simply out of love, or is it something else? Is the fear of change, or the fear of social judgement, or even the fear of having to admit a failure so strong and ingrained in all of us that we would rather submit to the psychological abuse that is adultery (and its aftermath) than facing a divorce?

I choose to save myself from the toxic presence my husband has become and I intend to pursue happiness with as much enthusiasm and dedication as I possibly can muster. I will become my best friend and will banish any self-destructive impulses (such as taking him back) that may cross my mind.

Things do get better with time. Allow yourself as much of it as you need (after all he allowed himself almost 8 years of cheating, didn't he?) before you make any decisions.

If you don't feel strong enough to think about yourself and your needs, think about your children. Your son might end up having some distorted notion that women have to put up with adultery because you did, and the same goes for your daughter, come to think of it!!

Stay strong, post often and take care of yourself.

Lots of love,
Mon XXXXXXXX

[Mike56]

Hi Anne - I'm delighted to read that you're taking ownership and controlling those things you can control. Good on you.

I have a theory that some people just cannot be in a monogomous relationship - they like being married, enjoy having a family and love their partner, but also have to have someone else "on the side". Perhaps your husband falls into this category?

Monica's final comment about your children potentially having a distorted view on adultery is also interesting.

Keep strong - Mike

[Annie2]

Dear Anne,

Thank you so much for the kind words you posted to me the other day. Your support was so much appreciated.

I think everyone who has responded on this thread make valuable points. I would say that your H sent you a mail which seemed to only state HIS needs (ie what HE wants). Did he at any point ask what you wanted? You have posted before about what your needs were and you told your husband too. He has never addressed them. So really, despite thinking that he has never shown any remorse, I don't think he has changed. You are mistaking him still only discussing HIS needs not yours. Is that remorse? Do you really think he will change now?

Stay strong Anne, you are doing brilliantly.

Take care,
Annie xx

[Anne22]

Thanks everyone for you posts - Annie great to have you back!

I have had a lovely day today with my daughter - shopping in Birmingham!!! Retail therapy really does hit the spot!!!!

My day went almost without a thought for my h although that all changed when I noticed a txt from him!! Wanted me to call him when it was convenient!

Anyway spoke to him this evening and we have arranged to meet on Friday to talk - he wants to have dinner I wasnt so sure!!! Will need to discuss what we say to the kids - he wants us not to say anything to them and move back in I know but I have made no promises to him.

I am already feeling nervous about seeing him - have told my daughter need to pop out in the afternoon for a couple of hours and she is cool with that!

Really do need to thrash these things out with him before he comes on Sunday!

Not sure what I am going to say but feel need to say he should get a more permanent place to stay until we decide what to do! (think he has been staying in a hotel this past week!) He hasnt told me where he is staying but will need to know as kids will ask!

God I am dreading it!

Thanks again everyone

Love Anne22 xx

[Coffeebean]

hey anne 22 just to say i'm praying for you tomorrow that all goes well in what ever direction it takes. I hope the evening goes well for you and you decide what you want to tell the children. Be strong and above all stay safe don't be emotionally blackmailed.

God Bless you and your family

With love and prayers x

[Anne22]

Thanks Coffeebean

Oh I am so muddled tonight!!! I asked my h to meet with me before Sunday so we could discuss what we were going to tell the kids! We met tonight and he says he is coming back on Sunday and I cant stop him! He says he has as much right to be here at home as I do as he is joing owner! He says I had no legal right to throw him out!

I must say he seemed also seemed very remoreseful and seems to be doing a complete 180!!! However I am scared in case he is manipulating me again!!! and scared of my emotions in front of him - stayed strong this evening!! Really rpoud of myself!

He says he doesnt want to tell the kids as he feels we could work this out cos he has now realised what he was giving up and my chucking him out was a real shock!!!! I dont know whether I can move on with him from this - I have been hurt repeatedly so many times!!!!!!!!!!!!! Plus need to think about whether he is a serial shagger - can he give that up or is it addictive as previous posts have pointed out!!!!

Oh what am I to do - Pray - a good start - I am going to find it hard having him here at home and still feel we need to talk to the kds as they probably know something is going on!!!!

Post again soon I need some more good suggestions right now!

Love Anne22 xx

[Annie2]

Oh Anne,

Look at what he is doing. He's ignoring your feelings, it's still all about him. He is taking control by saying 'you can't stop him moving in'. What about how you feel about it? Right now you need space, you need time to think and you need to feel like you are in control of your life. He is just about to flatten that in one selfish sweep. He is not thinking about you, he is only thinking about his needs, his self-respect, just him, him, him. I would suspect your children, by now, have an inkling of what is going on -they live with you both - so they probably would appreciate the opportunity to talk and be told things that they may have mistook or overheard wrongly.

Anne, he might change, he might be really sorry but right now he is NOT showing that. LOOK at what he is doing, he is ignoring your needs. He is making the decisions alone - move back in, don't tell the kids etc etc. No support over what you would like to do. Take a step back Anne, I know it hurts right now and a glimmer of hope might numb the pain, but don't mistake anything that isn't a glimmer of hope. In 6mths you could be right back to square one. It is you who needs to take control of your life not him. You must keep strong, you've done brilliantly so far don't let him take that away from you.

Annie xxxx

[Mike56]

I don't know the legalities Anne, but this man doesn't seem to have any respect for you. Quite apart from screwing around behind your back, he's now decided he's going to move back in without your agreement!

It's Saturday, so perhaps not the best day to get hold of a lawyer or Citizens Advice, but perhaps there are self-help / support organisations you could go to for advice?

In the worst possible scenario, consider whether you want to refuse him access - call the police if necessary.

Keep strong - Mike.

[Mike56]

Just building on this, IF you don't want him to move back in on Sunday, I think it's important that you make that really clear to him.

You could always soften that decision by suggesting that he finds himself somewhere local (for the children etc) and that once you'[ve considered your position and decided what you want, you suggest that the pair of you go through Relate or similar to get some support to help you both build a strong and sustainable relationship.

His response will inform your future thinking process. If he does force himself back into the home, is there anywhere you can go to remove yourself from the situation? I appreciate that the children may make that rather less easy than it may appear to me.

Mike

[Annie2]

Anne,

Mike makes a really good point. Make it very clear to your H what you want be it space, time or whatever.

I would however be wary of doing joint counselling right now. I think you need to strengthen yourself and work out what it is YOU want before having to listen to him. You seem to have always put him first and just because he is not living with you I don't think it means you will easily stop this habit. You need to work on your needs.

Take care Anne,
Annie

[Raymond]

Don't do anything you don't have peace about Anne and don't be forced into decisions you are not ready for yet. You need the luxury of time right now. You have things to think through as well. Keep being strong especially when it matters. Am praying for you as well.

Raymond

[Monica_V]

Hi Anne,

It sounds to me as though your H has already spoken to a lawyer, who has advised him not to leave the conjugal home. I would suggest that you may want to force his hand ever so slightly: When he comes over on Sunday, let him know that if he tries to move back in without your consent, you will be forced to start divorce proceedings on grounds of adultery and would request a court order to dictate provisional measures including alimony for you and the children and the use of the house until the permanent provisions are dictated. Undoubtedly any judge in the world would award you the house, as the children are staying with you, and he knows that.

If he implies you're bluffing, remind him you weren't bluffing when you chucked him out, and you're not bluffing now.

Make him understand that if there is any way to a reconciliation it would only be possible if you are granted the space you need, and if he's so insensitive as to try to bully himself back into your life, then you wouldn't hesitate to divorce him.

Whether or not you divorce him is for you to decide, but I would strongly suggest you try this option if you don't want him back in the house.

If he truly doesn't want a divorce, it will make him back up in a hurry and if he doesn't back up then you know he's just trying to play you, so at least you would know where you're standing ...

I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Take care,
Monica xxx

[Anne22]

Hi

Thanks everyone - I chose to talk to him over this past 48 hours - we thrashed out lots of things and I was in total control.

For better or worse I have agreed for him to return - on my terms only - for a an agreed time for him to show me that he means what he says. A last ditch attempt! I think my throwing him out has really shocked him and he now knows I mean business. It has been arranged that we will keep the flat he has on a short let so that if things do not work out, then he will go and live there until everything is sorted out!!!!

I have told him that he will be in the spare room and we will talk to the kids and tell them things havent been going well in our marriage and we are taking time to sort things out. He is very upset about this and really didnt want to tell the kids - however I feel they are probably much more aware of things than we think and I dont like lying to them and never had until this week telling them their dad has been away!!!

I have told him that it will be hard for me to forgive him and it is all up to him to show me that it is his marriage and me that he wants. He also knows that the first whiff of anything untoward he will be gone and for good! Hopefully he will not play awkward and insist on staying here - however I have taken legal advice about this.

Well there you have it - no doubt some of you will think I am mad - I have spent alot of time with my cousellor and she said it is important for you to be happy and my happiness is the key to it all - we all make decisions and choices and as long as I feel in control of those, then I will be happy.

I am very nervous about all this - very hard after 25 years with someone - I havent forgotten and forgiven all he has done to me and one of my conditions is that he must go on a long journey in couselling himself before I agree to anything like relate again!!!

I will post again tomorrow to let you know how things go today when he returns at 2pm !

Thanks all

Love Anne22 xx

[callow]

Hi Anne

Wishing you the best of luck. I really hope it works out for you.

I know that even after all I have been through, if my H came back remorseful. I would give him a chance.

Sally

[Anne22]

Hi

Thanks Sally - hard I know and I do feel my h is somewhat remorseful but still note sure of his true intentions!

My h came back on Sunday - was not in a good mood and I instantly thought I had made the wrong decision. My son was playing cricket until 1.30 and I told him to come back at 2pm as we would all be home and as we were going to talk to the kids about things I wanted to pick a time when they were both in the house. Anyway it turns out that he has really missed the kids as I thought he was angry for me not telling him our son was playing cricket as he would have come over earlier and watched him - he plays every 2 weeks on a Sunday morning and It didnt even enter my head that he didnt know - he felt I was stopping him seeing him!!!!! Great Start!!! I was annoyed as over the past five years at least I have asked him to give me and the kids more of his time - not less but he chose to be away more having his affairs!!! I found out about this in the evening when I asked him why he was so cold towards me and treating me so nastily and why he had been in such a bad mood all afternoon!!! When he came into the house he went straight away and hugged my daughter and my son and didnt give me so much as a nice look!!!!

I was really upset and annoyed with him as I thought this was going to be a new start!

We did tell the kids(or rather 'I') we were having marriage problems as sensitively as we could and told them we were working really hard to sort things out. I told them I had been very very sad and felt very unloved by their dad and hopefully that would change. I was very dignified and didnt diss their dad in front of them!
I told them they could talk to us at any time and hoped they would.

Before hand we had agreed that my h would talk to the kids about the flat he had got and he was going to tell them about and when I said daddy wants to talk to you aswell he just said 'you know what I am like I dont have much to say'!!!!! This made me really cross but I didnt let it show and when afterwards we were talking I asked him why he put his head in the sand again he said he didnt want to say too much to them. I then asked him if he had moved all his stuff out of the flat and he said he hadnt as he didnt know how things would go with us today and he didnt know if he would be going back there! I was really annoyed with him and said - what kind of comittment does that show me!!

I made a point of making sure the kids were all right and spoke to them both on their own my daughter (14) really didnt want to talk about it and I just said that we need ot keep everything positive and hopefully dad would work harder at showing me he loves me and she really hurt me by saying 'no doubt you need to work harder too!!!' I really felt like telling her more of the truth but just said that I wanted her to know I had worked really hard to keep the family together and will continue to do so. Hopefully she will want to speak to me - I wont force things onto her'

My son (11) asked lots of questions and I promised myself that I would not tell him any lies so he knows a little more than my daughter. Such a strange situation .................

Anyway after one of my horrid nightmares on Sunday I woke at 5am and we talked at 6am and I told him that the day before hadnt gone the way I wanted it to - he said he needed time & I needed to be a bit patient for him to be more loving towards me and I told him outright that time was running out.

So here we are - he is ringing me and telling me of his whereabouts etc - but last night he was in London on business - meeting clients at a hotel in Hyde Park at 7pm his secretary apparently couldnt confirm his hotel booking so he ended up having to drive home - text me to say he would be home at about 2.30am (if he left at 11 that would be about right!) When I woke at 4.40 he wasnt here so I checked my phone and he had left a message at 1.10am to say he was knackered and was stopping for a snooze in the car - then I text back to say where was he now and was he alright? Within 3 minutes he walked into the bedroom and said that he had got home and fell asleep in the car outside the house and my txt had just woken him up! If he was so tired - why couldnt he have made the effort to come into the house and got into bed!!!

I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me again!!!!

Sorry to ramble on!!! Thanks for reading this.............

Love Anne22 xx