Pandy
17th April 2007, 04:29 AM
I've finally come to some realisations about my situation. I'm sorry to anyone who's been reading my posts because I've been doing a lot of flailing around, struggling to understand why I've been flailing around at all. I've been angry, frustrated, upset and, frankly suicidal. I've said a lot in my frustration - threatening counter-complaints against my wife, questioning the integrity of the police, and I've just realised why this has all been happening.
I have simply been unable, and probably subconsciously unwilling, to face up to the reality of the situation and instead have been fighting everything I could with indignation. I know I destroyed my wife's love for me in a big way last year. Love's a funny thing, it seems to fade and you don't really understand what it is until you don't have it. It makes you feel worthwhile, or it should. And that's probably why I went so badly off the rails and destroyed everything. Because I haven't felt worthwhile for a very long time, if ever. Then when you lose what you didn't even realise was there, you see that love is when you're happy that a person simply exists. They are, they breathe, and you love them for it. They do funny things, they do nice things, they say nice things and that is enough, you love. But even if they do bad things, you love and accept.
Like the love for your children - a total unconditional love that can never be removed. They are, so they're loved, and you have joy because they exist at all. In the perfect world it makes you worthwhile because you love, and even more if you're loved back.
I spurned the love I had because I felt worthless. Or perhaps I felt worthless because I couldn't see the love. Whatever it was last year, it took a while for me to see that I was loved, but after what I did it was then impossible to get back anything because of the betrayal, the disappointment I'd caused. We struggled for a year and I know she was and is hurting.
But this whole thing has made me flail around in utter desperation, because I now doubt that there was any love at all, ever. Your children, your mother and father, your siblings - it doesn't really matter what they do it's unlikely you would deliberately try to put them in prison. Because there's love there, you can't take it away. And if there isn't love there's at least empathy. The inherent desire to understand and help if you can. You avoid seeing those you love as worthless.
Your husband or wife is the closest family you can have. If you've been together for any length of time you've shared the ups and downs, the hurt and the happiness. Through everything if you stick together you should at least feel worthwhile in your efforts. If it fails and the love goes, at least there's enough respect that you can sort things out for the best and remain civil, especially if there are children involved. And I think there's always at least an iota of love there even after such a thing (unless it was never present at all).
And this is why I'm flailing. I have been working so hard the last year simply to try to feel worthwhile again in my wife's eyes. I have provided as much as I could in a material sense - new car, computers, etc - being a man of course. But also with counselling, improving my attitude, dealing with my failings. At every turn I have been knocked back down within a few days, shown that in fact this all means nothing. I have tried to become more understanding, to talk openly and honestly. To no avail.
But what's been so hard to accept, and what I've been flailing around fighting against is the realisation that I am so worthless (and therefore unloved - or vice versa) that I don't even deserve the chance to work this out properly and have the opportunity to support my children in the future. So worthless that she'll stick to her guns and potentially imprison me. So worthless that I'm actually not important to my children, because she's quite happy to explain to them that she had their daddy put in jail, if that happens.
This means that there is no love now (my own fault), but also that there probably never was from her. Because it simply isn't possible or concievable to attempt to imprison someone you love - especially when it's for something they didn't do (assault). I know, I've been flailing around threatening counter-complaints, but it's nonsense, because I couldn't do that to her - to think of her in a cell even for a night is appalling. I couldn't do that to my children, who love her. And I couldn't explain to them that I'd done that. This probably means I love her more than she does me.
But I am, or have become, so worthless to her that she's happy to explain to them that she put daddy in jail. She's ok with the possibility that I will never have a decent job again, and be able to provide for them. She's fine for the children to know this as they grow up. I wondered why I've been feeling so reluctant to see them. How can I explain to them that I'm seen as so worthless to them that their mummy is trying to put me in prison? I simply can't see them in these circumstances, I expect it will be some time before I do considering the way things are going.
If she reads this, I just want to say that it's the last time I'll ever post on here. And that I love her despite what she's going to do to me.
Goodbye folks, take it easy, it's been fun.
I have simply been unable, and probably subconsciously unwilling, to face up to the reality of the situation and instead have been fighting everything I could with indignation. I know I destroyed my wife's love for me in a big way last year. Love's a funny thing, it seems to fade and you don't really understand what it is until you don't have it. It makes you feel worthwhile, or it should. And that's probably why I went so badly off the rails and destroyed everything. Because I haven't felt worthwhile for a very long time, if ever. Then when you lose what you didn't even realise was there, you see that love is when you're happy that a person simply exists. They are, they breathe, and you love them for it. They do funny things, they do nice things, they say nice things and that is enough, you love. But even if they do bad things, you love and accept.
Like the love for your children - a total unconditional love that can never be removed. They are, so they're loved, and you have joy because they exist at all. In the perfect world it makes you worthwhile because you love, and even more if you're loved back.
I spurned the love I had because I felt worthless. Or perhaps I felt worthless because I couldn't see the love. Whatever it was last year, it took a while for me to see that I was loved, but after what I did it was then impossible to get back anything because of the betrayal, the disappointment I'd caused. We struggled for a year and I know she was and is hurting.
But this whole thing has made me flail around in utter desperation, because I now doubt that there was any love at all, ever. Your children, your mother and father, your siblings - it doesn't really matter what they do it's unlikely you would deliberately try to put them in prison. Because there's love there, you can't take it away. And if there isn't love there's at least empathy. The inherent desire to understand and help if you can. You avoid seeing those you love as worthless.
Your husband or wife is the closest family you can have. If you've been together for any length of time you've shared the ups and downs, the hurt and the happiness. Through everything if you stick together you should at least feel worthwhile in your efforts. If it fails and the love goes, at least there's enough respect that you can sort things out for the best and remain civil, especially if there are children involved. And I think there's always at least an iota of love there even after such a thing (unless it was never present at all).
And this is why I'm flailing. I have been working so hard the last year simply to try to feel worthwhile again in my wife's eyes. I have provided as much as I could in a material sense - new car, computers, etc - being a man of course. But also with counselling, improving my attitude, dealing with my failings. At every turn I have been knocked back down within a few days, shown that in fact this all means nothing. I have tried to become more understanding, to talk openly and honestly. To no avail.
But what's been so hard to accept, and what I've been flailing around fighting against is the realisation that I am so worthless (and therefore unloved - or vice versa) that I don't even deserve the chance to work this out properly and have the opportunity to support my children in the future. So worthless that she'll stick to her guns and potentially imprison me. So worthless that I'm actually not important to my children, because she's quite happy to explain to them that she had their daddy put in jail, if that happens.
This means that there is no love now (my own fault), but also that there probably never was from her. Because it simply isn't possible or concievable to attempt to imprison someone you love - especially when it's for something they didn't do (assault). I know, I've been flailing around threatening counter-complaints, but it's nonsense, because I couldn't do that to her - to think of her in a cell even for a night is appalling. I couldn't do that to my children, who love her. And I couldn't explain to them that I'd done that. This probably means I love her more than she does me.
But I am, or have become, so worthless to her that she's happy to explain to them that she put daddy in jail. She's ok with the possibility that I will never have a decent job again, and be able to provide for them. She's fine for the children to know this as they grow up. I wondered why I've been feeling so reluctant to see them. How can I explain to them that I'm seen as so worthless to them that their mummy is trying to put me in prison? I simply can't see them in these circumstances, I expect it will be some time before I do considering the way things are going.
If she reads this, I just want to say that it's the last time I'll ever post on here. And that I love her despite what she's going to do to me.
Goodbye folks, take it easy, it's been fun.