I need to talk

[jools]

Hi everyone
For those of you who remember my story (ongoing) I just need to talk. 10 months since the split and i've been doing so well. Had some real good days and felt like I really don't want him back BUT i've slipped back. I just have SO much anger in me at the moment. Basically he confirmed what i'd suspected ie) that he's been "seeing" the woman that i'd suspected of an inappropriate friendship with before we split. Now whether the relationship had been consumated before or after the split doesn't really matter to me. I just feel SO ANGRY! I've always supported him financially and emotionally and now he's got himself another strong, financially independent woman (own business) - and I think that's what's annoying me so much. AND she's a lot younger! It's like he's landed on his feet while i've been left on my own to cope (though I have the advantage of having the company of our lovely daughters). He's just had another business disaster and it helped for me to say - this time he'll have to cope on his own - but now he's got another meal ticket.

And i'm so angry that it's taken him till now to admit that he's "seeing her". Another worrying aspect of this blossoming relationship is that my eldest daughter has such hatred for this woman that she's told me that she'll never speak to her father again if he is with her. She says she'll make him chose between them. So i'm just seeing a future with a family at war. This is all so bloody horrible and I just want to rip his stupid head off. And I thought I was making progress!!!!! Maybe it's like the menopause (tho I haven't done that one yet) - where you have to go a year with nothing before you know you're out of it. Oh someone say something to help put this in perspective PLEASE!
Jools :eek:
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[Mike56]

Well, I can empathise with that lot! But the answer is right there Jools, "he's got himself another meal ticket".

Sounds like a loser to me. Revenge is a dangerous emotion - but revenge is also a dish best served cold.

Mike.

[Annie2]

Jools,

I am here for you. I truely understand how it feels when things seem so unfair. But lets put it into perspective. He has not been honest, he has clearly needed your support throughout your relationship. Do you honestly believe or have faith in him that he has 'landed on his feet'? If this man is incapable of living life without using people then he has not landed on his feet, he is being carried for now.

You on the other hand have. You have been strong and you know your weaknesses. You have been honest with yourself too and that is what counts. If you can sleep at night and have peace in your heart that not being with him is (among all the doubts) the right decision then you have well and truely landed on your feet. Happiness can only follow.

As for your daughter. That is hard but she is her own person. She will work it out on her own and all you can do is listen. She has her whole life ahead of her to make decisions and change them. Your relationship with her is seperate to hers with her dad so focus on that.

Take care Jools, let yourself feel what you feel but try and understand why because that is how you will move on from it.

Love,
Annie xxx who knows what she is talking about!

[jools]

Hi Mike
It's just that stupid irrational childish urge to shout "It's not fair!" I want to be over all of this. (Thanks for replying.)

Thanks Annie too. Those are lovely sentiments and have brought tears to my eyes. Glad I came back here. Jools. XXXXXXXXX
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[Raymond]

You cannot do anything about what happened to you now Jools. But Mike and Annie are right.

He has not landed on his feet. You have to protect yourself from bitterness and revenge. That's something you can try to do something about, otherwise it will have a bad affect on you. Forgive and forget is for your health not his, unless he was sorry.

In a way you have a fresh start. You maybe would have liked him to now make a mess of everything without you, but don't let yourself get pulled in by these emotions. You won't be free until you have forgiven, forgotten and yes wish him well as hard as that is. Vengeance belongs to God not us. Hatred can drag on until the grave and it can destroy you.

Be strong and move on.

Raymond

[Annie2]

Raymond,

I'm not sure where my faith is right now. But if I believe one thing I believe is that you don't have to look hard to find Him. I haven't prayed and I haven't been close to chatting to Him (the odd cry out) but I do know in my heart that He is there. I feel His presence and I feel Him carrying me right now. I do not believe that if there is a God then He is the revengeful sort. I believe He is the all loving and all forgiving God that he wants us to be. I believe we all have chances every moment of our lives and He only guides us. I believe when we meet Him then it will be no surprise in our hearts how he feels about us. I do not believe you can hide from Him, you can hide and cover the truth as much as you think you can but if that were true why would have to try so hard to do that. The truth can not be hidden from Him.
I say all this Raymond because it gives me strength that whatever happens in my life I want to believe that He is there for me and He alone knows the truth. It can be covered on this earth and it can be twisted but at the end of the day the truth will never disappear.

Sorry for the sermon just working on or out my faith.
xx

[Mike56]

He'd arrived in Heaven, and was looking back on his life on earth. As he looked, he saw his life laid out before him as footsteps in the sand on a long, beautiful sandy beach.

There were however two sets of footsteps - one beside the other. Turning to the white gowned, bearded figure beside him, the man asked of God "whose are the second set of footprints?"

The answer came in a calm, quiet voice - "mine - I walked with you through your life"

The man looked further along the beach - at a point where he knew he'd experienced real trouble and pain in his life, there was only one set of prints so he turned to God and told him angrily that when he'd needed Him, God had clearly not been there.

God smiled gently and turned to the man, saying, "there are indeed only one set of prints my friend - because then I was carrying you".

Keep strong and stay positive - anger and a wish for revenge is natural (I do understand) - but they are also very, very destructive emotions.

Mike.

[Raymond]

Thank goodness that you know Him Annie. You can make your situation work for good if you let Him.

With regard to revenge. The very fact that it belongs to Him is the reason we can let it go. If He wasn't a God of vengeance life would not be fair in the long run, but that not our problem it's His. Thank goodness He is also a forgiving God as you say, but only where there is repentance or a change of heart towards Him through His son, who paid the cost of it.

As Mike says be strong (and pray).

Raymond

[Annie2]

Cheers Raymond, Mike,

I think I do know Him or I know what I think rather.

With regards to revenge. I have felt revenge in the sense that I have felt angry and the same sense of unfairness as Jools but I have never and would never do anything about that. I have learnt to live with it, talk about it and work through it. I have never sought revenge because it is not in me and for that I thank Him.

The biggest thing I worry about is why do I reflect or seek Him only when times are hard. When I am happy I must be honest and say I dont look to Him as much. I know this is me and this is my selfishness or lack of grattitude.

Anyway, not sure where my faith lies in terms of what I would label it, only that I do believe in something and I do feel that I am being carried right now.

Sorry Jools, didn't mean to highjack your post with all of this.

[Monica_V]

My dearest Jools,

I can really sympathise with how your're feeling!! As you might remember my LEECH (Lying Egocentric Execrable Cheating Husband) has been carrying on an affair with a 24 year old bint for a few months, and they had the plan to have him stay married to me for at least another year so that I would continue to take care of his business!!

Since he moved out, his finances have started going down the drain rapidly, despite my best efforts to keep everything above water. I promised I would continue to work for the company at least until the divorce was final but obviously I don't get to decide how the money is spent anymore, so he's blown the tax money on things like drinks at the Hilton Park Lane in London with his bint while I have been racking my brains on how to pay all the bills!!

At this point, I am realising just how lucky I am that he's out of my life. I literally feel like a 200lb weight has been lifted from my shoulders because that's what my life would have been like forever: worrying myself sick to be able to honour all responsibilities while he's out living the life of Riley!!

I wish his bint all the luck in the world. She's going to need it, by the time she realises who he really is, he may have sucked her dry!!

It's not my problem. He's not my problem. I am my first and utmost priority and I refuse to let my LEECH stand in the way of my HAPPINESS (yes capital happiness), because I deserve every ounce of it I can get!!

Your daughter has every right to stop talking to her Dad. He has not only betrayed and disappointed you, he's doing it to his girls as well, and children are far from being ignorant of the situations between grown-ups. Don't encourage her, but don't try to defend him in her eyes either. She has already been disappointed by one parent, don't make it 2.

Hugs,
Mon XX

[jools]

Thanks
I agree with all you've said. I'm just so annoyed and disappointed with the fact that i've made such good progress and here I am again at the obsessing stage! Logically, you know all the things you should be doing and thinking and saying - but it just isn't happening! It's like some little part of your brain that you have no control over decides on the attitude for the day - and you just have to go with it! I know we can take certain positive steps to override some of the negative feelings but overall we have no control. Well that's my view on it anyway. Keep telling myself that time will sort it out -- but i'll be SO mad if a couple of years down the line he's all loved up with new younger model and i'm still on my own. Yea, I know --- out with negative thoughts and all that. Just needed to rant again cos that's how it is today. Thanks all.
Jools. XXXX :D (sickly grin to convince myself!)
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[Raymond]

I think I do know Him or I know what I think rather.

With regards to revenge. I have felt revenge in the sense that I have felt angry and the same sense of unfairness as Jools but I have never and would never do anything about that.

The biggest thing I worry about is why do I reflect or seek Him only when times are hard.


You can actually know Him for sure if you wanted to Annie?

One can't control what they feel. Emotions just come. What we can control is what we do and if you are doing the right thing the feelings of wanting revenge will grow less and less.

It is better to seek Him in hard times than not at all, but you can know Him in the good times as well. Faith grows and God accepts where you are now. The main thing is to ask J into your life and receive all His forgiveness and let Him come along side and help you.

Raymond

[Anne22]

Hi Jools

Sorry you are having a blip at the moment!

I am sure that is all it is - you may feel cheated and let down and really p'd off with the situation but remember - you are so much better off without him!!!

Think positivley - she is welcome to him - you have your girls and a bright future ahead without him!!

She is living with a lying cheating loser and his true self will emerge and probably be too late for her too!!! They deserve eachother - you are better and deserve better.

I believe in Karma - what goes around comes around - their path is not pure and once a cheat always a cheat - he will cheat again - on her!!!!

Continue to move on and try and ignore those feelings of injustice - I know they are hard to ignore but what he has done is inexcusable and it looks like your daughter is right there with you! Shame she feels like that but then we must allow our children to feel the way they feel - just think about what he has been prepared to lose - could you imagine your own daughter never wanting to speak to you again - doesnt bear thinking about does it!!

Stay true to yourself and let that strong, positive woman emerge again and ignore those feelings you have of anger you have at the moment - they will pass - remember you are the winner in all this NOT HER!!!!

She really doesnt know what will at some time 'hit her'

Good luck and know we are here whenever you need us!

(((HUGS)))
Love Anne22 xx

[jools]

Hi Ann
And thanks for your kind thoughts. He's not deliberatey mean - just weak and doesn't think things through. Quite strange in school today because i've been wondering what to do with all this anger and a woman vicar came in to do the assembly and started telling the kids about forgiveness and how anger is a bad thing. How you can only find peace yourself if you can let your anger go. I really felt that someone had set me up! But it did hit home. I'm working through this and know that I will feel a lot better in time (we all will). So thanks again.
Love Jools. XXX
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[Helen_uk]

Hi Jools

Sorry to hear everything that's been going on, have e-mailed you.

Take care.

Love

Helen x

[David H]

God smiled gently and turned to the man, saying, "there are indeed only one set of prints my friend - because then I was carrying you".


Remembering some words from a George Burns movie "Oh God" http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0076489/

God (addressing his comments to mankind in general): You may not have much faith in me, but if it helps, I have faith in you..."

David