I will not be bullied

[Annie2]

Friends,
I will not be bullied off this website. I have found this site to be such an enormous support for some time now. Many of you will remember the posts I made some time ago about domestic violence and about what my husband did. My husband joined in on that thread, and you will remember his admissions. You may even remember being shocked and posting back to him. Have a look at the thread 'can't do it anymore'. He has now seen fit to delete those the night he was released on bail. Why? Because he lied and denied everything. Who cares! He is not worth it.
I can look my children in the eyes and say I have not once lied, exaggerated or manipulated anything throughout this ordeal. He can't.

Enough is enough. I'm back and I will not discuss anything to do with this anymore other than to say I am proud that I have finally stuck up for myself and not backed down to the bully who has controlled, manipulated and lied to me for 18years.

Support very much needed here.
It's good to be back,
annie2
xxx

[anna.p]

As long as you can stand tall and 'come judgment day' know you were right, that is all you need to know.

be strong we are behind you

anna x

[Annie2]

Thank you,
I really can and am standing strong right now with all the available support. I feel a sense of peace and despite what lies, threats and emotional blackmail he can throw at me he will never hurt me again. This is a whole new beginning for me.

[Pandy]

Nobody's bullying you. They're simply trying as usual to save their skin, family, marriage, life, children from the havoc and destruction you're attempting to wreak by a completely overboard action. Having your husband arrested and imprisoned for assault when he did not touch you is not rational. Doing that in the knowledge it will ruin his ability to support you all for the rest of his life is not rational. Not taking him up on the offer of sorting this out for the best of the children and yourself is not rational. Basing the initial charges on exaggerated lies is not rational.

Your husband loves you and all he wants is for you to be happy and cared for now. He is certain this can't be with him and in that knowledge comes peace and the simple, pure desire to make things right.

For the rest of your, and your children's lives, would it not be better to come to peace in yourself and with your husband even if he no longer is that, and work for their future and make sure they know they're loved and that even if their mummy and daddy can't be together they still both love them beyond belief?

[Annie2]

Refer to 'Pandy's' recent post about not wanting to work his butt off to 'feed them' (children and wife). How peaceful.

I not once said he touched me I have said throughout and consistently that he threatened me. In his mind it's ok as long as he didn't touch me (ie no evidence).

Again, I do feel peaceful that I have done the right thing and I have told the truth. He threatened me and based on the past I take those threats seriously. He did it once infront of an 8yr old who he gives no credit to be able to tell the truth on her own. He has excused his behaviour throughout and missed the point - he threatened me but he did not touch me. I had no injuries but he threatened me. If he can say he did not threaten me with a hot iron and with a punch of his fist then God help him. He justifies all of this in his mind because I was shouting and arguing (as was he). 18years worth of excuses and being told it's my fault for pressing the wrong buttons. I am now free from that and I now believe that I should not be threatened or hurt and I will not be.

As I have said before on other posts, he has never come home and beaten me to a pulp but he has hurt me and he has threatened me. Is that ok? Should I just live like that? Should I just accept that if I argue with him then it's my own fault?

I have been in counselling for a year. Counselling he now says that I should not have stopped (I stopped a few weeks ago). During counselling I came to the point many times that our marriage was no longer working. I told him he told me he would no longer pay for counselling as it was clearly doing more harm than good. He must always get his own way.

He has been posting on this site, which I discovered after discovering he had an affair. He posted on here and told me too that his affair happened because he always felt guilty in our relationship for the bad things he had done. In counselling too he said this. Has this man changed? Is this guilt or are these just more excuses? When he had his affair I begged him to come back, I desperately wanted our marriage to work. But when he blamed me and told me it was my fault I stood my ground, then he swapped tactics and said it was because he felt guilty. This went on for months until he wore me down. I took him back with the hope that he meant what he said, he would change. He never did. He is still excusing what I and others see as unaccpetable behaviour - threatening your wife with a hot iron. I have for a year worked on all my feelings about our relationship. At no point did I ever feel revengeful. I have, as he has accused me of, never sought revenge. It is not in me to do that. All I have done is try to work through it. I've cried, I've argued and I've shouted and this year has been very hard. But affairs are not easy to work through. Yet, during arguments he has been physically aggressive. Is that ok? It is not for me and because through counselling I have been able to say that and feel more confident about saying that it just no longer works. I will not and I can not put up with it. Couples argue, couples communicate badly but people should not have to live in fear that if they do they may be hurt.

Shall we let the children learn that is ok too? Because that is what he is doing right now. He knows what his daughter saw and he is justifying it and hoping that she thinks it's ok because she heard mummy argue too. Not once have I wanted her to be involved in this and I said from the word go that I would not use her to back up my story. My only concern is that she is never made to believe that it is acceptable.

If anyone here thinks I am over the top for reporting him to the police for threatening me with a hot iron and a punch then I would love to hear from you. If a 14 stone man punched a hot iron at you would you 'percieve' it as a threat? In his eyes I have gone 'over the top' and he was justified. I am so tired of excusing his behaviour and I have now stood up for myself. I have failed for years to do it alone and to be heard that I do not like it so I looked for help and I phoned the police. I now have the support and confidence to say no more. Does that make me wrong?

He has made me out to be a liar to save his own ego. Despite saying that he wants a 'peaceful' solution he has posted throughout talk of taking all my financial support away for me and the children. My youngest is 3 years old. He sent me a letter advising me to phone the mortgage people, put the house on the market and find my own income. Is that peaceful? Quite simply for the first time ever I have consistently stood my ground and not come to his rescue. He is on his own and I will not help him. I hoped he would tell the truth but his 'survival' has always been to lie, hide and blame others.

[Pandy]

I will not be bullied either. I was bullied continually that morning by verbal assault, debasement, insult and shouting. I asked for it to end repeatedly. I tried to leave as quickly as possible. I gesticulated but did not touch anyone. The complaint made against me was that I had thrown numerous punches, which I did not. That I had held an iron to within a centimetre of her face, which I did not. My daughter was upset more at my wife's reaction than what she had seen ("See?"). My younger daughter was upset at heresay from the elder daughter.

I have been bullied into homelessness and potential criminal charges. Bullied into losing my home and my children.

You are no better than me. I was trying to improve for you. So in fact you are much much worse. You are punishing me for something I didn't do and that you admit I didn't do. This threat you perceived that morning was a reaction to the threat I perceived from your irrationality. The surprise of the day was that *I* was arrested for trying to leave as quickly as possible.

You are angry, bitter, irrational and trying to punish me for 17 years of history and hurt, never mind your future and that of your children. Let me say it again:

"Your husband loves you and all he wants is for you to be happy and cared for now. He is certain this can't be with him and in that knowledge comes peace and the simple, pure desire to make things right.

For the rest of your, and your children's lives, would it not be better to come to peace in yourself and with your husband even if he no longer is that, and work for their future and make sure they know they're loved and that even if their mummy and daddy can't be together they still both love them beyond belief?"

I do not manipulate, bully or hurt you any more. Sadly I may have taught you that, but for me for a long time it's been about pure survival against your irrationality and psychological roller-coaster. You know that's true and you also know what you're doing is not right, it's neither rational nor fair, on me or the children.

[Annie2]

You punched a hot iron at me did you not?

You threatened to punch me did you not?

Forget all your reasoning as to why in your mind that is ok. Did you do those things? Your version 'gesticulating' is just so watered down.

I never said you put an iron 1cm to my face and I never said you through punches. I will say that in a court of law and i have said it consistently, I did not say those things. I did not say that you put the iron 1cm to my face or that you threw punches.

But you punched a hot iron at me. Did I deserve it?

You threatened to punch me. Did I deserve it?

[Annie2]

When he dislocated my fingers, when he slapped me, when he pinned me to the floor when i was pregnant, when he pulled me hard onto the floor when I was first pregnant and then lost the baby, when he pulled my hair, when he punched my arm, when he put his hands around my throat ALL of those things and many more he has excused with 'I pushed the wrong buttons', I pushed him to do it.

Now, I will not agree with that. I have no evidence, he destroyed that, but I do not care what happens anymore. I never deserved that, I never deserved to be threatened. I should be able to shout, argue and express myself without the threat of violence. I do not care if no one believes what happened I have peace and lots of it knowing that I feel confident and strong enough now to say that threats or actual hurt is not acceptable.

I will never expect my children to grow up believing that it is ok to threaten someone, it's ok to hurt someone. Can he look my children in the eye and say that now?

[Pandy]

Your husband loves you and all he wants is for you to be happy and cared for now. He is certain this can't be with him and in that knowledge comes peace and the simple, pure desire to make things right.

For the rest of your, and your children's lives, would it not be better to come to peace in yourself and with your husband even if he no longer is that, and work for their future and make sure they know they're loved and that even if their mummy and daddy can't be together they still both love them beyond belief?

[Annie2]

I am happy. I can care for myself. Truth makes things right. I have always, still do and always will tell the children how loved they are. I will always support them in their relationship with you which means not involving them in my feelings. I have always done this and I always will.

If you are suggesting this can only be done if I drop the charges then that will not happen. I have told the truth. You punched an iron at me and threatened to punch me. I do not see how you expect me to feel that was not threatening. I do not see how you expect me to feel that it was acceptable. I was threatened, felt threatened and I do not find it acceptable. I have tried for years to explain this and I have tried for years to say I can not live with that. This time I am saying it loud and clear a different way. This time it is not just me you have to persuade. It's all the authorities and me and at the end of the day it is your children who I will never use in this that you have to look in the eye and say what your 8 year old child saw was 'not that bad'.

If you can say that you did not punch the iron at me and you did not threaten to punch me then carry on. If you have nothing more to say I suggest you stop breaking your bail conditions.

[Anne22]

Hi Annie

I really missed you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God am I pleased you have returned.

I am so pleased you have got rid of the loser - he is bad for you and you are worthy of so much more - you know that - without all the slagging eachother off!!

This correspondence is way below you - you do not need top justify your decisions - you know you are right and truthful in all your do!

Try not to rise to the challenge of responding to him only use this forum for positivity and move on - just live each day for you and your children.

You are a great mum and have done everything for them - including being brave and getting rid of the cheating, beating loser of a h!

Congraltulations for taking the first step of the rest of your life - we are survivors and we will find better people to share our lives with who are worthy.

We will be happy and we have eachother to help build ourselves every step of the way.

Go girl - remember our post - put on that funky music and strutt in those shoes in the garden - be who you want to be and not what others expect!

I am here whenever you need to chat - I need your support too!!!

Take care honey

(((HUGS)))

Loe Anne22 xx

[Helen_uk]

Hi Annie

So pleased to see you back here , you have friends here , don't let ANYONE bully you off the forum.

Welcome back.

Love

Helen xx

[cheryl*]

Glad to see you back

[cheryl*]

Hi

It will be hard but keep going , be strong . You dont need him . You would never trust him " not properly " I think the trust once its gone thats it . I had same experience I was married to a rotten cheat for 17 yrs . I went through it all with him .It wasnt easy I finally divorced him ,It took me 3 years to get over him . He acts as though we should be good mates , as if nothings happened ! Im paying double the mortgage I used to but hey the house is worth 4 times the amount it was " GREAT " . You will be ok , From someone who knows what your going through xx