What is wrong with me?

[Hopeful0788]

I think I have finally done it. I have lost my mind. I have been sitting here today thinking how much I want to find someone to date. My husband and I are trying to work things out, living together and he is acting wonderfully. However, I feel like I am tired of taking care of him and that I want someone to take care of me. Is this normal? Why do I have a sudden urge to go out and find someone interested in me? This is very strange to me as things seem to have been going okay. The last thing I really want is another person in my life so why this sudden desire to have someone show me interest? Has anyone else ever felt like this or am I have I finally lost my mind?

[Helen_uk]

Hopeful

I think your feelings are entirely normal, somewhere in the middle of all the mess and stress we forget that we are people. We need to be cared for and after a long time in a relationship where our needs haven't been met we start to crave someone to notice us.

Yes your h may be being wonderful now but there will always be a certain amount of history between you regarding what's happened. You can forgive, but it's much harder to forget all that. Probably your unconscious mind is just longing for a clean slate .

Helen x

[anna.p]

I do that too sometimes!

The excitment of someone being interested in me, especially as I still feel that I was second choice when H had an affair.

I want to work on my marriage and sort it out, but my mind still does wander on occassion!

[jo71]

We have to look toward the possibility of meeting someone new in our future. I think you'd be in denial if you weren't thinking these thoughts. You just realize that it is something you may have to explore at some point, and your mind is preparing you for that. I find myself looking at many men I talk to and in the back of my mind thinking, "Wonder what he would be like in a relationship?" I don't act on anything mind you, but I very often just wonder.
Jo

[Hopeful0788]

Thanks guys for the reply. I was wondering if I was the only one having these feelings. Since before I got married, I had stopped even entertaining the thoughts of anyone but my husband so I found it strange that after 7 year (2 together, 5 married) I would be thinking of someone else (not in particular, just anyone... ). Thanks for letting me know I am not alone as I very often feel.

[Hopeful0788]

Last night and this morning were really bad for me. My husband has school, were he met his o/w and even though they are not in class and even though I believe that he ended his affair, I was in miserable shape before he left for class, while he was gone and when he came home. All I could feel the entire time was anger and might I even say hate - I know that is a strong word but I am just trying to be real.

I thought about how nice he is being and how kind, etc... This is how it has been after every storm. The calm before the next storm. He is back to acting like everything is normal and great. Another thing I have noticed lately is that he is totally different around other people than when he is with us (me and the kids). When he is with us, he is all worry (money since he is not working to provide for us), complaints (he has back problems and hurts all the time unless he is around someone besides us). He doesn't laugh, make jokes or have fun with us the way he does with others.

I questioned him about this and he say how can he be happy when I am not happy - WHAT! He is making me miserable. I try to be happy, joke, laugh, take the family out to do stuff and the whole time he acts like it is killing him.

I too am a firm believer in marriage vows but I am not sure how long I can tolerate this misery. I feel like I am just waiting for the next problem. My daughter wrote in her journal that the person she loves is me and the person she hates is him. I asked her why (she was angry I read her journal but almost relieved that I saw it). She said that yes she knows he is trying to rebuild her relationship and make her like him but that he has had to many chances and she wants him to leave and for us to be happy.

How pathetic am I? My own daughter who is 12 is telling me what I already know which is scary. I have so many hopes that things would/could be different this time but how do you get past the feeling that you have hoped for that every time. I feel like I am doing a good job at emotionally detaching in a lot of areas but I also feel that this is kind of dangerous in the fact that I don't really feel anything sometimes. For example last night when he came home, he came and laid down by me and was hugging me and telling me about his class. All I could think about is why are you bothering me, please get away. But of course I didn't say that however I am quite sure he probably felt it even though he didn't say anything.

Also I am wondering as of last night am I staying because I am afraid that he will be a good person for someone else instead of me and I don't really want him to be happy with someone else besides me or am I staying because I really love him? Most days it is the latter but last night I just thought about how I know if I leave him he will change for the better and I will have missed out on the person I believe he can be......

I am sorry to ramble but am so confused about what I am doing I just really need some advice. Thanks for listening.

[jo71]

Hopeful, all of those things you are feeling I have very recently been feeling too. I have a 12 yo daughter too, and a 16 yo son, and sometimes things they say to me make more sense to me than anything anyone else has said. I don't know if it's because they see the situation how it really is, or if they are just really insightful...yes, kids are smart! Example: So many people keep telling me that my h is going to come back with his tail between his legs...but I know, and my kids know, that is never going to happen. They know the kind of person their dad is and know that this really is the end. Things my kids have said to me have sometimes really opened my eyes...and I don't even discuss our d w/ them, so this is of their own free thinking! Kids really don't get enough credit for how tuned into things they can really be. Like my daughter listing her heroes...she listed me and her brother, but not her dad. When I asked her about it, she said, "Well, he used to be my hero, but he hurt my mom, so really he's not anymore". So sad...but like I said, they're not dumb!

Also I am wondering as of last night am I staying because I am afraid that he will be a good person for someone else instead of me and I don't really want him to be happy with someone else besides me or am I staying because I really love him?

Wow...you really have me thinking about my own situation here. I know my h can be such a good person. If you had asked me 3 years ago to tell you 3 faults about my h, I wouldn't have been able to. He was always so considerate, loving, caring...these are qualities that I know he is going to (or already has) bring back out of himself in his new relationship, and I just think HOW UNFAIR...why couldn't he be that way with me and the kids over the past couple of years? Why did he become so critical and unsatisfied and harsh? Why did his expectations of everything go through the roof? It does hurt to think that all his good qualities will now be spent on someone else...and it should have been on myself and kids the whole time...then things wouldn't be where they are.

Jo