Is Divorce the right thing!!!

[Anne22]

Hi

Just spent the last 48 hrs trying to sort out the muddle in my head!!!

Still not sure what to do about my life - wish a fairy could come and elighten me!!! I know in my head I should divorce him for adultery but my heart just keeps stopping me from thinking about it!!! The finality of my 20 year marriage and 25 year relationship ending!!!!

I worry about the financial position I will be in - have no money coming in myself and reliant on my h wages for everything!!!

What can I expect from my h in terms of divorce and what in terms of separation!!!

At least I slept for the first time last night - was so physically exhausted!!!

I may have slept better because as I had agreed with my h not to' talk' about us when we are alone - he says he feels so nervous around me - poor thing!!! - so I sent him a very long email telling him exactly how I felt about things - am conscious that I have repeated alot of things but hey - made me feel better - of course he didnt respond!!!

His head is stuck so far into the ground I am suprised he gets enough oxegen to breathe!!!Ostrich!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am grateful to Helen for her divorce advice and would be gratful if anyone else can given me their perspective!!!

Sorry to ramble on - just finding having noone to talk to hard!!!

Love Anne22 xx

[jo71]

Funny that your h says he is nervous around you. I am a wreck around my h nowdays. Just getting an email from him just now, before I even opened it, I started shaking uncontrollably and felt like I had a brick in my stomach.

I wish I had some div advice to give you Anne...I apparently am going to be needing some myself very soon.

Jo

[Helen_uk]

Jo

I have to admit David's 180 thing works, the less contact with Steve I have, the more I relax . I know you both are not in a position to do that at the moment , but when you can, try it.

I have had little contact and was feeling quite a bit better, today he has txt and phoned ( mainly about things of his he wants to sell ) and I feel quite jittery now.

I ignored the phone calls because I was actually at the hospital having some fluid drained out of my knee , but then got a barrage of txts because he has no money and needs to seel his things fast. I txt back I had just left the hospital and would ring later, he then txt why didn't I ask him to take me .. AAARRRGGGHHH.

He blatantly hasn't cared and cares only for his own situtation ( which is of his making ) and then I get abuse for not replying quickly enough.

Anne

I honestly don't think you can even begin to think about a decision this big while you are still, to all intents and purposes , living together. Divorce would make the financial situation more clear cut in the long run, but your h has an obligation to the children at least whatever happens in the meantime.

I'm now in a similar situation as my health doesn't allow me to work and of course I no longer have Steve's income , but , because I have an adult son living at home I can only claim disability benefits ( DLA and SDA ) and not income support or Housing Benefit . Eldest son has a reasonably good job and pays his way, but I don't think it's his place to support me !

There should be a local benefits advice shop near to you, but they can only advise on the situation you're in, as opposed to the one you may be in. As far as I recall my ex h had no obligation to support me , only any children.

I think you'll find that things will take a natural progression as time goes on, and you have to deal with the problems as they occur , at the moment everything seems worrying because your future is so uncertain, and yep, I know that's scary.

All I can say is try not to panic , there will be help available as and when you need it.

Take care.

Love

Helen xx

[jo71]

Jo
I have to admit David's 180 thing works, the less contact with Steve I have, the more I relax . I know you both are not in a position to do that at the moment, but when you can, try it.

Really right now, I don't think we could contact each other any less. He hasn't spoken to me directly since we had our argument almost 2 weeks ago. He talks to the kids maybe once a week, but he calls their cell, so I don't even hear this voice. I only see him when he picks them up or drops them off...and then he doesn't stay long. I think the reason why it's easier for the one who leaves is they are starting fresh. They don't go back to the same house they lived in for years and years that have family photos hanging everywhere and a joyful memory in every corner. They are starting with a clean slate. As much as I hate to move (my house is my dream home), I think when I do things will start to become a lot easier, and the 180 thing will happen easier too.

Jo

[Helen_uk]

Hi Jo

Yes ! I absolutely hate being in this house ( although I love my home )even though all his things are packed away, we started here with such hope for the future. I spend as much time out of it as possible , then I really want to come home again, it's a vicious circle. And you're right, so many memories, must be even harder for you .

They do walk away and start again, so are not faced with what they've left behind, personally I don't think they can cope with the guilt.

Helen x

[tinkerbell1075]

I agree with with jo and Helen....it is alot easier for the person leaving to start fresh and move on. It doesn't necessarily mean the situation hasn't affected them too but they don't have to put up with the daily reminders.

Its a week today that Mike moved out and everyday I have to look at some of the stuff he still has here and as well the empty spaces where most of his stuff used to be. I have to get used to sleeping in the bed by myself where we once slept and woke up together and sometimes thats the hardest part for me. Wondering when to take the pictures down,when to stop expecting him to walk through the door and when to stop looking out the window for his truck to pull up. It is almost like a version of torture as they get to sleep in a new bed and a whole new atmosphere with no reminders of you around.

I keep going back and forth between "Out of sight, out of mind" and "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". Unfortunately for me Mike has been away from me for long periods of time before so I don't think not having me around everyday will phase him much.

[Hopeful0788]

When my husband and I seperated before (we are back living in our house now) I left because I knew I would be able to cope better out of our house. When I got my apartment with a fresh look I had never felt more liberated in my life. Also, another thing I would consider about your dream home - is it only YOUR dream home or the two of you? When something is completely you (including decorations, furniture, etc) it is much easier to make new memories than to keep reliving old ones... Just a thought.

[jo71]

I have to get used to sleeping in the bed by myself where we once slept and woke up together and sometimes thats the hardest part for me.
Definately...I'm having a really hard time with that too. Confession...I haven't turned down the blankets on my bed since my h moved out (almost 6 weeks). I've just laid down on top of the comforter every night with a throw blanket over me. I just have that ritual in my mind of he and I, every night, turning down the covers at the same time and climbing into bed together. I can't bring myself to do it alone now. Silly, I know, but it's just one of those hangups that I have now.

I keep going back and forth between "Out of sight, out of mind" and "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". Unfortunately for me Mike has been away from me for long periods of time before so I don't think not having me around everyday will phase him much.
Same with my h. He did major traveling for probably more than half our marriage, so he's very accustomed to being away from home. Actually, that has benefited me too, because I learned how to deal with him not being home every night too. I'm not scared being alone at night...so that's a good thing that came from it.

Jo

[jo71]

Also, another thing I would consider about your dream home - is it only YOUR dream home or the two of you? When something is completely you (including decorations, furniture, etc) it is much easier to make new memories than to keep reliving old ones... Just a thought.
No, it was both of ours. I never made a single decision about anything in that house without consulting him first. So that's another reason why it's so hard...even when I move, I'm taking all the stuff with me...so our furniture will still bring me memories of picking it all out with him. But it will be nice too for the first time to finally make decisions by myself. If I want to paint a wall...by God I'll paint a wall! :)
Jo

[Hopeful0788]

I know this may seem unreasonable to most people, but I refused to take anything with me when I moved out - especially our bed. I had a garage sale and an auction and used that money to buy new (used but new to me) stuff. If my husband wanted to keep something, he kept it and paid me for it or we came to a mutual agreement about it. When I moved into my apartment I had all new (used, mostly thrift store stuff) things that I personalized. This worked out very well for my emotional state.

When we got back together, we combined his stuff with mine and are making new memories together. It is VERY amazing how much attachment we have with "stuff" and how much of our emotions are tied into it.

When starting over fresh, I would definately recommend getting rid of anything that gives you negative feelings. The less negativity you have around you, the more positive you are able to be.

Of course I am very depressed right now, so I could just be talking out my a-- but it always made me feel better before. :)