Weird Dilemma...

[Couple06]

Hi,

My partner and I have been married for 4 months and I am 3 months pregnant. Everything was going fine until last few week. I sensed he was very stressed and distant. After pressing him for answers, he revealed that he might be gay.

Because of the fear of rejection, we cannot turn to family or friends or colleagues. We both really want to stay together and have this baby and we would like to be able to give this baby a normal family life. We would like to stick together and work through this and do things the right way but this is all very difficult.

Any advice would be very much appreciated.

Thanks

[jo71]

I don't understand why your partner wanted to get married in the first place. You don't realize that you're gay within a 4 month time frame, am I right? How long did you two know each other before you married?

You're in a tough situation now for sure. Did you ever see that movie with Madonna called "The Next Best Thing"? I know...that's just a movie, but they ended up living together and raising the child together, even though he was gay. I don't know, maybe it can be done.

Good luck. Hopefully someone here can give you some more advice.

Jo

[Couple06]

I know what you mean. It would have been so much simpler if I had known this fact before the wedding. We had a really big and expensive wedding and hundred's of guests. I have questioned him about all this, but he said he was in love with me and touching me was not so much of a problem then and marrying me was what he really wanted to do.
Now, he is really struggling to be close to me. He said he always had this internal battle but when we met he said he fell in love with me, so he thought everything would be fine. Things were fine after we got married but things changed after I got pregnant. Though, he says he's always wanted a child, he's saying that this pregnancy could have triggered this situation and he is finding it hard to suppress this side of him.
Could this be a phase?

[Mike56]

Could it be some form of commitment fear? I accept he wanted to get married - but having a child puts a whole new perspective on things. Just a thought?

Mike.

[jo71]

Maybe it was triggered by the pregnancy, but he had to have had curiosities in the past. I would say you two have a lot of decisions to make. Does he think he can surpress these tendencies? Everyone has fantasies...is that maybe all this is? Or, will he resent you (and your child) in the future for holding him back from what he wants to do? A lot of these questions he may not be able to answer, but after all you've done for him now, marriage, family, you deserve for him to give you as much info as you need so you'll be able to make decisions. I suggest counciling in the meantime. Sorry you're going through such a hard situation.

Jo

[Couple06]

Actually, I have been asking myself that very question and I have put that question to him too. He doesnt know to be honest because he referred to this pregnancy as the commitment to heterosexual life and that scares him as he is realising that this is not who he is. So, I guess or may be hoping to be more correct, that this is a form of commitment fear. If this is the case, we could work through it but he is saying his feelings are more basic than that.

[Couple06]

Thanks Jo,

I am trying to get as much info out from him as I can. He did express that he wanted to suppress it all but I personally feel scared about how strong he is. Im scared that just like the wedding (which seemed right at that time), the decision to be together and raise this child might not be what he wants eventually. I personally want some sort of guarantee but he is just not able to provide that.

[tinkerbell1075]

That is hard. You want him to stay and be a part of the marriage and help you raise this child but at the same time do you want to be part of marriage where the other person feels they are there only out of obligation and not because they want to be? Adults can deal with resentment (as hard as it may be) but its different when there is a child involved especially if his actions end up conveying that eg....provides for the child but is not loving toward him/her etc...

I am in the situation where I can try and work things out with the person I love when he says he is not in love with me anymore but then is he only trying out of guilt? If we end up staying together I may always wonder if he really wants to be there or what he's really thinking when he says I love you.

I don't think someones tendancy to be gay can be triggered by a pregnancy, but I do agree that getting married and becoming a "father to be" is a lot to deal with in just a few months time. At the same time, you got married and are a mother to be as well and you aren't finding excuses to pull away. It could very well be just a " I can't handle the commitment" thing but I wouldn't think most men would use being gay as an excuse.

Have you noticed anything strange while you have been together? Things that you can look back at now that you didn't realize then. Overly friendly with male friends, lots of short relationships with women before you, that sort of thing? I don't think you can just decide you are gay in 4 months time. I'm not saying there is time line on that sort of thing because everyone is different but it just seems really quick to decide something like that. I know this isn't what you want to hear but is it possible that he married you knowing he was gay and getting married was his way of trying to deny the fact or prove that he isn't?

I can't imagine how confusing this must be for you. Getting married and expecting a new baby would be stressful enough without having to worry about something like this.

[Couple06]

Hi TinkerBell,

Everything you are saying makes perfect sense to me. I have asked all those questions myself and sought all those answers from him. He's saying he wants to try hard but he's changing his mind a lot. He's not stable and he's not the reliable, sensible and strong guy I married. I can be hopeful about doing things right and making it all work but I really dont see him capable of doing the same.

I feel really hurt and frustrated as if I had known about this last year, before the wedding, we could easily have done something about it and avoided the mess we are in at the moment. I feel really really alone as I dont feel I can talk to anyone about this. No one would understand and I dont want to be a subject of pity. I am even more concerned about the coming baby as my husband is quite detached re the pregnancy.

Not sure what to do or who to talk to. I do feel I need family support but since, the matter is so sensitive, we cant turn to anyone as yet.

[tinkerbell1075]

Have you tried talking to family but not giving any specific details. Like maybe not telling them that he thinks he is gay but maybe that the two of you are dealing with some commitment issues. At least this way they know you are dealing with something and can provide some support.

If there is some slim hope that Mike and I can be together again I know that I would be there. I am leaning on my family for support but at the same time I try not to give too much detail as I don't want to make him out to be the bad guy just in case by some miracle we can work things out. I don't want my family to have a bad opinion of him and then have to accept him again

What about counselling...Is he open to that sort of thing. Maybe not necessarily for the 2 of you quite yet but even just for him to sort out what he is really feeling? It would be hard for the 2 of you to work things out if he is still really confused about himself.

[Couple06]

Thanks Tinkerbell...

We are hoping to meet a counsellor on Monday but till then, it's like waking to a nightmare everyday. Sometimes, Im really scared when it comes to the baby. If it was just me, things would have been a lot simpler. The thing with him is that he is unable to make one decision and stick to it as he used to. Yesterday, he was quite positive and today he is doubtful again.

Im trying to get as much info out of him as possible. He's saying he does want kids but then, when it comes to this pregnancy, he is hardly able to relate to it. He hasnt been able to show much interest in this pregnancy. I increasingly feel that it's all a commitment fear for him as before the pregnancy he was saying that he had hardly questioned himself about the whole gay issue.

I do feel like turning to family but we are both very close to our families and it will be very difficult not to tell them what the whole problem is. I think counselling would be our first step. I know it cant work out a miracle but I think this will help my husband think straight. Im really scared at the moment as at this time, I really need him and I cant rely on him, nor can I turn to family for support. It's all very frustrating.

[anna.p]

I have been reading your post, but haven't replied cos I can't give and practical advice for you, but if you are feeling lonly and scared that I do understand, you will ahve really good days and then bad ones, be as strong as you can be, patience is one thing I am learning to have.

Please remember you are not alone, and I have found everyone here really helpful,supportive and non judgmental.

Be strong
anna

[1aokgal]

Couple 06.....

You are in a really bad situation. Maybe you were a great smoke screen so this man could makehimself look straight to his family, friends, and himself.
Here is what I think. First, you need to find out you (and that baby) are free of any sexually transmitted disease ASAP. This is the world of AIDS.

Then, if you still have any contact with him.... use protection. He gave you the biggest lie of all...about who he is. You were not given the truth and you have now got the responsibility to bring a child into this marriage. That gross deception from the beginning was a fraud. This lie could be grounds to annull the marriage but he owes your child the duty of support.

I would not lie for him. Be honest with your family. Tell them the truth of this situation. You will need pre-natal care and help so I hope you have a good health plan. This kind of stress should not detract from the care you take for yourself to assure a healthy child. This man should stay until you are able to deliver the child and you take one problem at a time.

You will love to be a mother and share your life with a child in future. My 31 year old daughter is a great joy to me every day. You can always replace the man but cannot replace your children. Don't lose the joy of the moment.

Treat the man with polite courtesy and get whatever help you can get. He owes you a big apology plus financial support to deliver and care for this child. Remember you will have to deal with him for the next 18 years so long as you are connected by this child.

Good luck. Try to think about the positives of this situation in the baby.
Stay close to your family and friends for emotional support.

[Couple06]

Thanks 1aokgal,

We went to see the counsellor yesterday.

In fact, I realised that he just doesnt love me at all. He just feels he has a certain responsibility towards me because I have had to leave my country and family for him. This was the point he was stressing, which means that guilt is keeping him with me. When asked by the counsellor, he said he doesnt want to be with me. So far, he'd been saying that we had some options, to have an abortion and we then concentrate on our relationship, or we raise the child together and he goes for counselling to deal with a heterosexual life or he leaves me. I just realised that the only option ever was to make this separation least painful so that his family, friends and relatives wouldnt blame him. I feel this is his biggest problem. He doesnt want to face rejection. I dont feel he's concerned about me or this baby. He just doesnt want us.

This is very painful. Im at work and having to act normal and calm. It's very frustrating. I do feel we need to tell his parents and do something about this situation. I might have to give up my job and go back. It's such a shame, I had a great position and great pay back in my country and Im not getting that back either.

[calmfornow]

I'm sorry but this man is just thinking of himself here. He doesn't care about you or the baby so please do protect yourself and confide in your family and friends. You need to do this. You did not cause this problem, he did by not being honest with you in the first place. He now expects you to deal with this on your own and with a baby on the way. How selfish is that? He needs to deal with the problems that he has caused and you need the love and support that your family and friends will give you. You say that he doesn't want to face the rejection but that's just tough. He has forced you to have to face and deal with rejection by him. What a selfish man. This thread has made me so angry.:mad:
Take care. x

[Couple06]

I have been debating about what to do regarding this pregnancy. I know for a fact my husband doesnt want this child and I am not sure I can do this on my own. We have been thinking of termination.

Today, as I was coming in the train, something really bizarre happened. There was a girl reading a book on the seat in front of me. I managed to catch a glimpse and the only thing, I read in that book was the following:

"No woman in her right mind, these days, would seek to prevent a birth, should she be so lucky as to conceive."

I tried to read it again and I read the sentence before and after that line hoping that it was just a coincidence that this girl was reading somethig about pregnancy but none of those sentences made any sense. Should I be taking this as a sign?

[David H]

"No woman in her right mind, these days, would seek to prevent a birth, should she be so lucky as to conceive."

I tried to read it again and I read the sentence before and after that line hoping that it was just a coincidence that this girl was reading somethig about pregnancy but none of those sentences made any sense. Should I be taking this as a sign?

Trust your instincts....

What is your "little internal voice" saying to you?

David

[1aokgal]

When you have this man's child you have a link with him for 18 years whether you like it or not. Do you still have time to terminate the pregnancy? Do you really want to do that? Big decisions for you.

My daughter had an abortion and I learned of it after the fact. Six months later she was expecting with him and gave birth to a little girl. He was prowling other women when the child was a couple months old so that did not last. They share custody pretty well today and he married. My daughter, 31, is a great mother, stable talented hard working girl. She has yet to ever think about another real relationship though as he burned her so bad emotionally. The child is now 9 and a sweet kid. I don't think we regret her choice.

She wanted to be a mother or would not have engaged in unprotected sex. Accidents don't happen today. Perhaps the wish to conceive is subliminal but you got pregnant knowing the ways to prevent.

You need a lot of support network and a good health insurance plan for the expenses involved. I hope you have all that. You need a lot of help during this time. This man owes your child support and physical help. Do NOT let him walk away playing denial games. Get some pastoral counselling which is usally free. Get your partners responsibilities outlined.

I think you must face that this guy is a loser as a partner. He is a liar and wants you to deflect others opinions away from his deception and life choice. Who cares if he is gay? He is no man . He is dishonest and hides behind a sham marriage. I would choose to annull the marriage and use fraud as the grounds.

Weigh your options to abort or not. I understand you may deeply regret to end a pregnancy. Can you be a good mother? I think you would not regret to carry the child and raise it. The only negative is continued contact with this man or shared custody. I would not share a cat with him.

I really hope you tell your family where you stand so they can help you. Don't let anyone make your decision. This is between you , your child and God. Good luck and keep a lot of good thinking as it is not an easy path. My daughter did it and she is an extraordinary young woman. She has made a big success of her life and I truly admire her courage. I take care of the child two weeks each month she sleeps here and I take her to school as mom is on a night shift for awhile. She is 11 years on the job and makes great money. It can be done. She made it through this problem and does not regret that beautiful little girl.

[Hopeful0788]

Hello. I wasn't sure wether I should reply to this or not but I decided to just so you will have some ideas to think about. This post will probably make me look like a REALLY bad person but I wanted you to know all the things that could happen or may happen, etc..

First, let me state my opinion by saying I disagree with abortion with the one exception of a violent rape, (not the type of rape where a person is involved with someone, ends up making out and decides halfway through the roll in the sack that they don't want to have sex).

However, I do not agree with having a child you do not want either. There are alternatives such as adoption. I know several people who would do almost anything to be able to have children and raise them as their own in good loving environments.

Now here is the part that will make me look bad - I have a 12 year old girl from a previous relationship. I got pregnant when I was in high school and dated the father until she was 2. The entire pregnancy I was miserable, did not want to have a child and was very angry with God since I WAS taking birth control everyday. I thought of abortion but quickly learned that I would in no way be able to face the emotional pain of killing a child, even if it wasn't a child yet (some people's view, not mine).

I had my daughter and raised her the best way that I knew how. However, I do still have resentment about this as I never wanted any children and I suck as a mother. She has effects from this, always trying to please me, always craving attention from anyone and everyone and always trying to be perfect. I realize these things are my fault and the guilt that I have is tremendous. When I think of the type of adult she is going to be I wonder if I made the right decision.

I can honestly say that I don't believe any child deserves to live this type of life and if you are unable to do better, you should give the child up for adoption. You do not want to suffer the guilt, the obligation or the resentment of having a child you can not raise by yourself on top of all the other problems of dealing with the child's father - UNLESS you are completely stable (both emotionally and financially), are 100% sure that you want a child and know for a fact that you will give the child all the love, compassion, time, attention and devotion that God says we are supposed to give children.

Another thing to consider - if you keep the child and later remarry or get involved in another or any relationships - the child and the new partner are going to be affected by your choice. If you are dating later and you have kept the child -NEVER bring a partner to meet your child until you are CERTAIN that that partner is the one you will be with forever because your child will become attached easily and then constantly feel abandoned when/if partners do not work out. If you do end up in a serious relationship later then that partner will have to be extrememly confident in themselves, patient, loving and devoted to not only you but to the child and to be able to deal with the EX on a regular basis and support you through any trials and tribulations that come up - (which they normally do).

I am only speaking from my opionions and experiences. Of course these situations will not apply to everyone but do happen to some and should be carefully considered (in my opinion).

I also believe that if you are too far along for an abortion to be safe at this point. I love my daughter VERY much but she still suffers in spite of my best efforts. My marriage suffers because of my daughter/husband's relationship (my daughter hates him and he can't ever be enough for her). However, we still do have good times (all of us) but it is a constant struggle and you will need an outstanding family support system to get through whatever your decisions are. You should definately not try to handle everything on your own, no matter how strong you feel or think you may be because it will come back to bite you later - again my experience, yours could be different.

Good luck.

[Couple06]

Hi All,

Thanks for your help and advice.

We have been doing a lot of thinking and talking though we are now beginning to feel really drained and more often than never having difficulty with coping with family, friends and work. I guess it's high time to come out of our isolation and seek some family support and advice.

We have been to one session of counselling. I am not sure how much that has done for us/how this will help us with the future, but we are hoping to go for more. I am not sure if we are being naive...

Actually, we talked about the pregnancy yesterday. My husband doesnt want to have this baby even though he loves kids. He feels though abortion is considered wrong, it will be a bigger mistake to bring a child into our lives right now as we are both unstable. He doesnt think he will be able to cope with it and what he's going through at the same time and I am not sure if I can do this on my own. But still, I am not fully convinced. I guess I am being more emotional than practical. I guess Hopeful, this is exactly what I needed to hear from someone who's been through such a situation/who's had to make such a decision. I however would like our family's view on termination. It is a very painful decision to make.

[Hopeful0788]

I think I might be missing something....
I am in NO WAY suggesting termination, just wondering if you have considered the third alternative - adoption????

Do not listen to anything he says about this baby if you are not planning to stay with him because he is only considering himself and trying to get out of his obligations. YOUR family will be the most help in this situation - speak to them constantly and keep your support/communication open with them.

Good luck and I will be praying for you.

[Coffeebean]

I hope this helps but i am 5 and a half months pregnant and like you when i found i was pregnant my husband started carrying on saying he still had feelings for his ex fiancee. It carried on through the 3 months pregnancy and i also considered abortion thinking if the marriage was over i could not possibly have him in my life whilst we brought up this child but after many hours of sleepless talking to my mother and praying i found that personally i would much rather raise the child even though i would find it difficult then live with the guilt of having killed my child and every year thinking she would be so many years old obviously i haven't done anything and now past 5 months after my mother steped in with the threat of a divorce lawyer and taking me and the baby (and the dog) away my h settled down and hasnt mentioned ex fiancee but gone back to the husband i know it is very difficult though because the trust has gone. But i am happy to be looking after my daughter and i have decided to accept my h's word that he had a blip in our marriage.

It is something i have been reading up on seriously and apparently a lot of men struggle when they find their wives are pregant and panic

i dont now if this helps

[Couple06]

Hi All,

I spoke to my sister this morning...I told her the whole situation and she spoke to her husband and called back after a few minutes saying that they are there 100% for me if I need them. My sister reckons it's wrong to have an abortion, not only in terms of killing a child but also in terms of my health. I know what you mean Coffeebean as when I see babies and toddlers, I feel a strange sadness already. I dont think I want to live with this guilt. I know I will love this baby. So far, my husband has only spoken to a male cousin and his dad, and it is very strange how men have a different way of approaching things to women. My f-i-law was trying to get to the roots of my husbands emotion. He took upon himself to come and see while my husband was away and I was really offended by his indirect implications and 'suggestions'. He felt I should do more for him. I do not swear normally, but I really felt like it when he was talking to me. If my husband was attracted to me, we wouldnt be having any problem but he's not and that's the whole point.

I dont really want an abortion. I dont know how I'd feel towards it in the future. If I do have the baby, I dont know if I could give it away either. I havent been thinking clearly because I have been feeling really lonely and I really dont know what I should do. But I think with my sister knowing about this, I have a bit of support and may be I should disregard how my husband is feeling towards it and do it on my own. He may well be panicking. He is, in fact and may be these emotions stem from this pregnancy.

I just had a call from my sister. She and her husband have offered to 'adopt' the baby if need be or my mum can look after it. She will be more than happy to do so. And I could then focus on my career and life without having to worry about the baby too much. I think I like this option. Im feeling a bit relieved now. So glad I spoke to my sister.

[Hopeful0788]

I am very happy for you that you have this type of support. That is wonderful!!! Even if you did not want to give the baby to them permanently they sound as if they are willing to do whatever it takes to help you get on your feet. Congratulations. Ignore the h's advice and do what you feel is right for you and the baby without his interference. Time to focus on you and take care of you. :D

[fluffer]

What a nightmare 2 be in. Don't for god sake have an abortion for his sake. Sounds a bit to me like he's having problems faceing up to his responsabilitys, but thats his problem not yours. Your head must be in bits.
Maybe he needs to go away for a while and sort out what it is he really wants, but he should have done that before the wedding. I know exactly what it's like having to put on a brave face for work, but sometimes that bit of normality can be the only thing that keeps you on an even keel. Maybe your going to have to get your head around going it alone with your baby.? But for sure that would be better than doing it with someone who dosen't want to be there.!
Good luck, and don't feel alone, people are here to listen to you, and you wouldn't be the first woman to be let down by a man..

[Couple06]

Hi All,

Thanks for your support.

A number of things happened yesterday after I sent this post. I called my husband and told him about my sister's offer. He totally went out of control. We had to take time off work just to talk and sort things out. He was very very angry and unstable. He didnt like the idea at all. He didnt want to buden someone else with what should be his responsibility. He told me his views and after a couple of hours, I just felt I was left with no choice, but I still said I would like to tell my family before making such a decision. My family was very supportive. They were totally against the abortion and they said the mental trauma I would have to live with would probably scar me for life. They asked me to come back home. My husband again reacted badly because he felt I was letting him down when he needed me.

Right then, he received a text from his dad saying he had told his mum and he needed him to come home alone so they could discuss things. She was very upset. I wasnt sure what to expect, but she was very supportive towards me and the baby. His parents are against the abortion as well. Though, I feel I have some support, he is feeling totally torn.

He is feeling a lot of pressure from both sides of the family and he feels he needs to commit to this baby even though he's not sure he can. I told him he doesnt need to be involved but he is saying he has to as this is his responsibility. He is emotionally very unstable and I can understand as he's had to tell his parents his feelings and tendencies and that was very painful for him and his parents, especially his mum who is really nice lady. I am really concerned for him. He feels he's let them down and he's having difficulty coping with everything.

[callow]

Hi Couple

I can understand your concern for your husband. However you have to do what is right for you.

The way I understand what you have written is that your husband is trying to talk you into an abortion. Please do what is right for you, and not what is right for your husband. As you say he is mentally unstable at the moment and not in the right mind to be making such important decisions.

I am neither for or against abortions, but I don't like to see a woman talked into it when it is not what she wants. As an aside, when I was a theatre nurse we had one patient who had IVF for a baby. The partner then talked her into a termination for what ever reason. She went back and forth with her decision all day. Luckily for me by the time she decided to do it I was off duty. I would have found it very hard to assist in that procedure.

All the best

[Couple06]

Hi Callow,

Thanks for your advice. I just had a call from my f-i-law and he asked me to do what my husband wants as he's very unstable and he doesnt want him to do something we all might regret. He said he called me because he couldnt say this in front of my husband.

My f-i-law was a nurse and he's worked with mental patients all his life and he feels very concerned of the way my husband is talking and acting. I am too but I am not sure I will be able to deal with the trauma of having an abortion. My family is totally against the abortion. It's almost as if Im having to choose between the baby and my husband.

[Hopeful0788]

For God's sake - who is the cotton pickin grown up? If you are that concerned about the man and the father in law is that concerned, have his but committed!!!! Personally I think this is all a huge plot to force you to have an abortion. How selfish can a person really be. I am very sorry for you but someone has to consider you and your feelings in this. Are you even doing that or are you just so concerned about your husband you are willing to throw your own health and emotional/mental stability out the window?

I apologize if this message sounds harsh but I am afraid for you and your baby and wanted to make sure I got my point across. You have a very strong support system which I think you should be using. Consider the possibility that after the abortion YOU could be the unstable one in this whole situation and it doesn't sound like your husband or his HORRIBLE father will be around to support you then!

[Coffeebean]

i'm so sorry you are going through all of this. Personally - just from personally experience i would not allow this man to blackmail you into having an abortion just because he don't want the responsiblity. It is not him who will suffer the after effections both emotionally or physically. I think you said you were 12 weeks this means that the baby is already a baby and you will have to suffer physically to abort her/him. Your h will walk away from this (or try and stay with you) but it is you who has to live all your life with this reminder.

I would take your family up on their suggestion (not to raise the child) but to go stay with them for a while whilst your h decides what he wants to do. It seems to me that he wants his cake and to eat it to. I know this is very difficult and time is not on your side it took me 2 weeks to get over my emotional trauma and start facing the world and deciding what i wanted to do. But i don't think it is a case of your husband over your baby either way if your husband wants out by getting rid of your baby all you will acheive is for your husband to be able to walk away with a clear (in a manner of speaking) conscious and not have to feel he has to support you in any way.

God bless you and protect you as you go through this time

[Couple06]

Hi All,

We met his parents again last night. But before that, let me run you through what happened during the day.

In the morning, I was fine, and strong knowing I would be having the baby, but my husband was feeling lost and confused again because he did not know what to do. He was questioning what he'd be able to give to this child and he felt he was being forced to commit to something he's not sure he can do. He looked very low and I felt he was feeling the pressure and I was honestly worried about him. By lunchtime, I had received a call from his dad saying due to his mental state, he is giving my husband priority to decide on the abortion and I know my family is against it. I am against it inspite all my apprehensions about having this baby since this is my first. And by then, I got so confused and lost, I really started to feel the pressure and broke down. I called my husband, asking him what I should do, if the termination would be the way forward. After a long chat, I finally decided to consider it. Btw, I am 16 weeks pregnant. After looking at websites, I realised that this is a medical procedure and there are many risks involved including infertility, trauma and essentially me becoming unstable. I didnt feel comfortable and decided to talk to my colleague and boss and they were very supportive. By that time, I knew I shouldnt let myself get talked into it.

When I met my husband again, he was calm and understanding and respected my decision though again he was saying, he didnt know what to do next, how he would cope and what he could give to the child. His mood got better at his parents' and announced that we would go forward. His parents asked him again to decide about the termination even though I told them I was not prepared for it and I didnt want to. Anyway, he told me he felt more stable at his parents'. I have already suggested that we move back in with them to stabilise him as he is not coping in our new house, which we will next week.

This morning, he woke up feeling extremely low. He told me he hadnt slept all night. He had been thinking about our decision to have the baby and been worrying about the future again. I was feeling a bit emotional and angry at the whole situation anyway, and I felt bad afterwards. He looked very very depressed, totally lost and I felt really scared. I feel he needs professional help though we are seeking counselling. I feel may be a psychiatrist would be better or group therapy but not sure where to turn to. He was shaking his head as though in disbelief but not saying anything and this is still worrying me. He has decided to go away for the weekend to a friend's as he feels he needs the space to clear his head. I was/am reluctant but have no choice. He looks very unstable, unhappy and I feel frustrated I cant do anything about it. Earlier this morning, I had complained about him not thinking about me and he just replied that 'I cant support you until I can take care of myself'. Should I just let him go? Is it safe especially with the mental state he is in?

I dont know what I should do to help this situation...He's already told his parents about himself which I thought was his biggest worry but now, it's about the pregnancy and committing to a child that's burdening him. Somehow, I feel a bit responsible. I again questioned myself about the termination whether I was doing the right thing even though I know it is affecting him this much. I have told him that he doesnt need to get involved but he feels it's his duty to and now, he feels obligated to stay in this relationship for the child's sake but he also feels uncertain about how long he can do it for.

Right now, Im feeling extremely worried, stressed, restless and frustrated.

[calmfornow]

Right, I have posted before on this thread and feel compelled to post again.
I just cannot believe that you are having so much pressure put on you by this man and his parents. From the sounds of it I think it would be extremely unwise for you to move into his parents house. It will only get worse and they will stop at nothing to force you into terminating this pregnancy. Let me just say this. The baby has been conceived by both of you but only you have the right to decide what you are going to do. Your h has NO RIGHTS over what your decision will be. If you allow yourself to be pressured into having a termination, not only is it a medical procedure with complications but you could well end up resenting your h and his parents for the pressure they have put you under. Please please think of yourself in all of this and stop trying to please everybody else. Your h is confused but only he can sort himself out. Leave him to it. Move in with YOUR family and they will support you so that you can consider your options without pressure.
He says that he feels obligated to stay in the relationship for the sake of the child. SELFISH SELFISH man. What about you? Let him go. This is his problem and he needs to grow up. He needs to be a man.
Please take care,
Calmfornow. x

[David H]

I just cannot believe that you are having so much pressure put on you by this man and his parents.

[....]

From the sounds of it I think it would be extremely unwise for you to move into his parents house.

[....]

Move in with YOUR family and they will support you so that you can consider your options without pressure.


Yes, you are quite right here, IMO!

She needs to remove herself into a supportive environment where she will receive loving support and NO PRESSURE.

If she does not have access to that kind of environment, I'd suggest she'd even be better being on her own for a while...

David (who is anti-abortion but pro-choice)

[callow]

I agree with everyone else.

Please take yourself to your family and get their support. Do what is right for you and the baby. You can't be influenced by your husband and his family.

At 16 weeks you are quite far gone and in the termination you will have to give birth to your baby. It is quite an undertaking and harrowing from the women I have spoken to that have had it done (medical/genetic reasons). I do not know if the NHS will do them at this stage unless it is for medical reasons. You have to go private.

During the whole of this, you seems happiest when it was agreed that your sister would look after the baby. Concentrate on this.

Sally

[Coffeebean]

i'm so sorry to hear how things are going especially how far gone you are. I know that nhs are relucant to abort at 12 weeks although they will do it which means at 16 i think sally is right and you will have to go private but you will have to give birth to your baby. I think you are being bullied and don't quite understand why your father in law feels he can tell you whether or not to have your own baby. There are many council support to help single mothers and i remember your family are really supportive to you during this time. Don't let them all get to you i know your husband is struggling but he may get over the trauma and difficulties he is going through and come back to you, could you ever forgive him for making you kill your child?

God bless and keep strong I hope you are finding all the support and advice you are getting here helpful and not adding more stress and confusion to you x

[tinkerbell1075]

I agree. I am neither for nor against abortion. I believe that every woman and every situation is different and you need to do what is right for you. After all, you are the one who has to live with either the decision to terminate or having to raise the child on your own. You are the only one who knows what you will be able to handle and what you will not. Its not an easy decision to make especially when time is an issue. But do not listen to anyone else and/or what they want. Do whatever is necessary for YOU ALONE. I will pray for you and your baby no matter which route you choose to go.

[Couple06]

Hi All,

Im sort of ok at the moment, feeling very down though. My husband has decided to have the weekend to himself, he wants to give himself some time and space to step back and reflect on everything. I was planning to go to relatives but there were some difficulties, so I have asked a friend and her fiance to come over and spend the weekend with me as I didnt want to be on my own, which they have agreed to.

I am worried about my husband but I am feeling a bit disgusted too, especially when I see him looking at guys. Sometimes, I feel I want to go away from him but I feel I have to stay. I am not completely sure about my feelings for him at the moment. I do feel hurt when I think about his interest in other men.

I am 4 months pregnant and constantly having mood swings and I want to be looked after and dont want to be part of such a mess. I dont always feel strong and I am constantly asking myself why I am having to go through all this. I look at other couples, especially older ones, and I wonder how they have been together for so long, how the husbands would have reacted at the announcement of their respective wives' first pregnancy, how supportive they must have been throughout. Or when I see pregnant women, I see how serene and happy they look. Well, all these things just make me feel down because I have non of that and not sure if I ever will.

On the other hand, my husband's parents are really worried and are relying on me to keep an eye on him. He does scare me especially when he's feeling low and that's probably what's keeping me here. Today, I couldnt help think that he's the guy who wanted to kill my baby.

I guess these are all due to my emotions going wild due to the pregnancy but at the same time, I try to be practical. I am reading a lot about depression, gays and marriage problems. I have been reading about depression, and panics of first-time fathers. I have found that many fathers-to-be experience some sort of panic, and depression because they feel they are not ready to provide for the child which is probably true in our case. During this time, some dont even feel any attraction towards their wives, feel they have fallen out of love and they even think of leaving because they want to run away from their responsibilities. But eventually, they come round and feel the joy to be a father. Could this be our case? This has been making me think whether I should just be patient. It's not easy as this is my first time and I was looking forward to lots of support from him which is simply not there. He doesnt even feel anything for me and he's made it very clear. He did use to before the pregnancy and I keep wondering whether subconsciously, he is running away from this responsibility by saying he's gay, so cannot be a father and so, normal rules do not apply to him. He doesnt have to stay and take care of me or the baby as he's gay. Could that be possible?

[David H]

he is running away from this responsibility by saying he's gay, so cannot be a father and so, normal rules do not apply to him. He doesnt have to stay and take care of me or the baby as he's gay. Could that be possible?

I think most likely he is bi-sexual and needs to deal with that...

(I'm tri-sexual -- I'll try anything sexual at least once....)

David