almost too shocked to post this

[susi]

Hi guys,

haven't posted for a few days, and am feeling so many emotions at once at the moment I don't even know where to begin.

Two nights ago I came home late from seeing a friend. My h was in what is now "his" room, snoring extremely loudly, wearing nothing but a hoodie which I knew belonged to THE girl. His mobile was lying on next to him, so - I know...desperation and all that! - took it into my room to have a good look. Well, I found lots and lots of serious love texts from him to the girl and vice versa. Things like "I am constantly thinking about you, completely in love and head over heels for you my darling" and one, extremely suspicious text from him to her saying "ha ha he he just received receipt from hotel. Its going through shredder right now. I love you...". Well, you can imagine how I felt. I was shaking so hard there was no chance of getting any sleep but I also thought there was no way I could confront him as long as he was still conked out and obviously had had too much to drink - again!
A few hours later he walked in and I let rip. He kept saying that I had got it all wrong; because everyone had talked about her having a crush on him they had been playing this fantasy world where they sent lots of love messages to each other but none of it meant anything other than friendship. He said he felt for her as his little sister, and that she had been flattering him, and it made him feel good but nothing had happened. When I asked him about the hotel thing, he said that that was a quote from a song, and when was he supposed to have taken her to a hotel as he didn't have any money anyway. Which is true...
Then the really weird thing; it all became terribly emotional and we ended up cuddling, and then we actually ended up having sex. And cuddled some more, woke up a few hours later and had sex again. And then the real bombshell...
He started off by telling me he had visited a gay sauna place when he was in Israel last autumn. He then also told me about a few other instances where he had had brief, accidental encounters with gay men - when I say accidental, he apparently didn't initiate anything and he never actually had sex with a man. Last weekend he went to a gay club with his friend, who is gay, and said he hadn't enjoyed the clubbing (felt too old for it) but had enjoyed the male attention. He said he had been curious about having sex with men for a long time, had always felt attracted to the idea, and that was basically what he wanted to be free to persue now because the urge had got stronger and stronger over the last few years.
We talked for hours after that, and in a really strange way I almost felt relieved - and very sad - to finally hear something that just instinctively to me felt like the truth. He said he had been so scared to tell me, and hadn't been sure he ever could. That's probably why I had been feeling he was lying all along. He also, all through that day said he suddenly felt so much better and so relieved, and felt as if the "sun was shining again".

Well, as you can imagine I have been feeling sort of stunned ever since all this. We are relating to each other in a more friendly way, or maybe I should call it kinder, but I am bascially still in shock. I suppose I had always known that he had some fantasies that included guys but I thought that's all they were: fantasies! I am stunned that he feels so strongly that he has to separate from me. I am also strangely relieved that it wasn't really anything to do with me; I can't change what sex I am after all!

I still have those messages on my phone (I forwarded them to myself), and looking at them I still have moments of doubt. The girl's mum and her partner also think the two of them are just playacting and there is nothing going on. So I could go along with what everyone, including my H says around me and believe them - and him.

The thing is also that he has asked me to tell absolutely no one about this, which makes it hard to talk to friends now. Thank God for this forum!

A very confused and extremely sad
Susi xx

[Helen_uk]

Good grief Susi, talk about the plot thickens.

Well I'm sure you must be feeling very confused by it all, but I would go with your instinctive feeling. It sounds as though your h is very confused too, about his feelings and now also his sexuality.

I know some men do experiment with gay sex when they are confused about their sexual identity but he really should have told you this before, if only for the sake of your own sexual health.

I think I'd be having moments of doubt too in your position. It's a lot of information to take in.I think you need some time to think about this carefully and wait for the shock to settle down before you decide what to do.

Do you know why he felt the need to confess all this to you now ?

Take care.

Helen x

[jo71]

OH (((((((((((SUSI)))))))))))

Hun he his playing you like a flute...he is lying lying lying, and taking advantage of the love you have for him to make you believe him. I'm so so very sorry...I know this isn't the kind of thing you want to read. Sometimes though it takes someone on the outside to give you perspective. I don't know your h, but Susi, I feel like he has fed you some major lies. I don't even know if I'd believe him about the gay thing. You are probably asking, why would he make that up?...well, it would certainly tone down your suspicions about the o/w wouldn't it? You can maybe create some kind of creative lie for one text...but not for as many as he has. Lyrics to a song??? Come on! I'm so angry about him doing this to you. I wish I could tell you to be strong and kick his a** out, but I know how much you love him...I wouldn't be able to do that myself.

But Sus, giving him the benefit of the doubt, just for a moment...let's say he's being honest with you. Let's say there is nothing going on w/ him and the o/w. Does he not respect you enough to put an END to this "playacting"?? It's obviously hurting you, and you've made that well known to him. If he really wanted to honor your marriage, he would block her calls, and he would tell her that their little "games" are over. If he can't do that Sus, he's disrespecting you in a horrible way.

Let's say he's telling the truth about being gay-curious. What difference does that really make? Another person is another person...o/w...o/m...it's still being disloyal to you either way. What if he said he had had "accidental encounters" with other women? Would you react differently?

I want you to take yourself out of the middle of this mess for a moment. Look at the big picture, as if you were looking from the outside in, and try to see things for the way they really are. I know so well what it's like to be blinded by our love...we want so desperately to believe that our spouses are being loyal, that often we will believe just about anything they tell us...because it makes it easier. It makes us feel better.

Good luck hun. Just please stand up for yourself and don't let him continue to take advantage of your loving and kind heart.

Love,
Jo

[Ginger God]

OH (((((((((((SUSI)))))))))))

Hun he his playing you like a flute...he is lying lying lying, and taking advantage of the love you have for him to make you believe him. I'm so so very sorry...I know this isn't the kind of thing you want to read. Sometimes though it takes someone on the outside to give you perspective. I don't know your h, but Susi, I feel like he has fed you some major lies. I don't even know if I'd believe him about the gay thing. You are probably asking, why would he make that up?...well, it would certainly tone down your suspicions about the o/w wouldn't it? You can maybe create some kind of creative lie for one text...but not for as many as he has. Lyrics to a song??? Come on! I'm so angry about him doing this to you. I wish I could tell you to be strong and kick his a** out, but I know how much you love him...I wouldn't be able to do that myself.

But Sus, giving him the benefit of the doubt, just for a moment...let's say he's being honest with you. Let's say there is nothing going on w/ him and the o/w. Does he not respect you enough to put an END to this "playacting"?? It's obviously hurting you, and you've made that well known to him. If he really wanted to honor your marriage, he would block her calls, and he would tell her that their little "games" are over. If he can't do that Sus, he's disrespecting you in a horrible way.

Let's say he's telling the truth about being gay-curious. What difference does that really make? Another person is another person...o/w...o/m...it's still being disloyal to you either way. What if he said he had had "accidental encounters" with other women? Would you react differently?

I want you to take yourself out of the middle of this mess for a moment. Look at the big picture, as if you were looking from the outside in, and try to see things for the way they really are. I know so well what it's like to be blinded by our love...we want so desperately to believe that our spouses are being loyal, that often we will believe just about anything they tell us...because it makes it easier. It makes us feel better.

Good luck hun. Just please stand up for yourself and don't let him continue to take advantage of your loving and kind heart.

Love,
Jo

Jo....I think I might be seen as the biggest cynic on this forum and I didnt want to post what you have just said......

The guy is just a user..

Sorry Susi....:(

[susi]

Thank you guys, and thank you Jo for voicing what I had been wondering myself, and then thought I was being just too paranoid...

I am wirting this in haste as we are about to go away to work together for the next three days (!!). Please keep in touch; hope I'll be able to get on line where we are going.

Susi xx

[Anne22]

Susi

Sorry but I can really relate to all these stories and lies - because we still love we seem to look for every positive thing -whatever - I did this for years - but I am sorry to say Jo is probably right - dont let him play you!!!!

You are truly worth so much more!!!

Take care - and good luck over these few days!!!!

((((HUGS))))

Anne22 xx

[Hopeful0788]

Susi,
Run for your sanity while there is still hope. He sounds a lot like a pathological liar and it seems to come so easy to him. You need to pick yourself up before you are anymore lost in him then you are already. Stop allowing him to play you as a fiddle if that is possible. I have been in the same situation and it is sooooo difficult because you love sooo much. I can clearly tell from all your postings that you are a lot like me in the fact that you are the giver and he is the taker. Try to read some of the links David posted about emotional detachment if you haven't already. They have helped me some. Also, if you can read about codependency that is a very good topic too. For you own sanity at this point, you either need to speak with the girl and her family and your husband and put an end to this nonsense, at least in front of you or you need to get the heck out of dodge. Everyday he is tearing you down bit by bit and soon there won't be much left if you keep going on like this.

Keep in mind however, if you move from your home you lose a lot of rights so I wouldn't really recommend this unless it because a matter of safety but I at this point would DEFINATELY talk to everyone and end this crazy situation. If your H is not wiling to put an end to it then he doesn't have an ounce of respect for you and you should find a good support system who will help you throw his but out.

Sorry to sound so mean, but he is making me VERY angry as I can relate to your feelings a lot. Try to do what is best for you and the kids since he obviously isn't able to.... If you need anything, feel free to email me at morton0788@yahoo.com.

There is room to heal yourself and your family but not if this situation continues the same as it is. Think of how your kids (I believe that you have some???) are viewing everything. How are they going to be able to respect their parents or themselves and imagine if you would want your children in a marriage like this. It is well known that our children grow up to find partners like their parents, please stop the cycle before it is too late. (((((HUGS and LOVE)))))