OMG...I can't believe this...

[jo71]

Let me start off by saying I WAS WRONG to look at my h's email. Please don't flame me for doing it because you couldn't make me feel more guilty than I already do. I KNOW it is disgraceful...and I feel very bad about it. I've only done it twice now, but both times I've stumbled across things being said about me.

***GOD WHY WON'T HE JUST CHANGE HIS FREAKIN PASSWORD???***

HOWEVER...here is what I read today. An email from his mother to him. Just chit chat at first, then, "Can I ask you a question? There is a rumor that Jo has had multiple affairs? Is that true? Not that it justifies what you are doing, but it makes it more understandable. I know the flesh can be weak."

Guys...I will stand before God one day and face every sin from my life...but one thing He will never be able to judge me for is adultery. I have been the most absolutely loyal wife that my husband could have ever asked for. And after everything he has put me through...I feel like I am just being dragged through the mud right now all over again, because of his mother saying this. Just another huge punch in the gut.

I will say that there are 2 occasions when my husband was suspicious. Once there was a guy at my work who was coming on to me heavily. I stayed nice to him to keep the peace, but he interpreted it as there being a chance that I might consider *being* with him. I finally had to get mean toward him and tell him to leave me alone, there is no chance in hell of us ever getting together. Now, I disclosed everything about this situation to my h. But my h then saw on my cell phone where the guy called me one weekend. The conversation was about 1 minute long...basically consisting of me telling him to not ever call me again. But I didn't tell my h about this phone call, and he thought I was hiding something. We talked about it and we cleared the air...but I think he was still a little suspicious after that.

The other occasion cracks me up...my h found a pair of boxer shorts in our laundry room that he didn't recognize. And that's it. Disregarding the fact that they were the size of one of my son's friends at the time...almost little boy size. But he asked me about them at the time, and I didn't think twice about them...just told him I don't know, maybe one of our son's friends left them over when he slept at our house. But he brought up this incident recently the day that I found out about his o/w, so I only just realized that this was another occasion that he was suspicious of me.

Now back to this rumor. There are only 2 possibilities. 1) He started this rumor so that he would not be disgraced by his family. They have been very supportive of me and very disapproving of him since our separation has been made known. And I could certainly see him saying to someone, "I don't know, but I think she might have had affairs...", or something like that, just to make him seem less guilty. 2) Maybe there is no rumor, but maybe his mother just wants so badly to justify her son's actions, and this is just her way of asking him if he thinks I have ever had an affair...because if he responds to her that he thinks I might have, then she'll feel less negative toward him.

Ok - so what do I do now??!! I want to defend my honor. I have done nothing to deserve having such a horrible and untrue rumor spread about me...not to mention these things being put in my h's head (if he isn't the one who started the rumor in the first place). But how do I address this issue with his mother now without her knowing that I read his emails?? Maybe I should just come clean about it. I know, honesty is always the best. I guess that is what I should do. I'm so upset...I'm shaking so bad about this I can hardly type.

I need your help guys.

Love,
Jo

[Anne22]

Oh Jo!!!

God why is it we have to be tarnished with the same brush just to sort of justify our h actions!!!!

I must say that was one of the things my h said - he thought I hadnt been totally faithfull to him!!! Like you I have never strayed or ever would while I am married to my h!!!! But I suppose they are looking (and their family members) for ways to lessen the cause!!!!

How disgraceful of your h mother to even go there!!! But then I have been told by many friends and cousellor that my h family will stand by him whatever and however disgusted they are with what he has done to me and the kids!!!

I would just do nothing at the moment - I wouldnt react - you may need to use the email account again and he would change the password if you come out with it!!! I must say I dont agree with this sort of thing though personally!!

Remember you do not have to justify YOU!!!! When all said and done you know you are in the clear!!!! If these rumours are spread then I would step in and have a chat with your h mother and family and friends!!!! She needs to be made well aware that you have been a faithful wife!!

How dare she - God I can understand you being so upset - however you are strong enought to rise above it all - keep dignity and let it take its course!! If it continues I would go ahead and 'defend your honour'!!!!

Remember it is just a tool for your h family to lessen the blow of what a sh.. they have brought up!!!!

By the way I dont think it is a good idea reading your h emails - as I feel it can possibly hurt you more than him - I have only been on my h email account when I have asked him - he let me but I unearthed a whole load of horrible sexual emails sent back and forth between female colleagues and him!!!! Really hurt me!!! Plus there is the trust issue - I know he has broken it so therefore an argument for doing this!!!!!

Good luck

Lots of love & hugs - keep strong my friend

Anne22 xx

[jo71]

Thanks Anne. I appreciate your honesty about the emails. I totally agree with you that it's not right...it's just so easy and tempting to look. I don't want to look again, but now I'm wanting to see what his reply will be to her!

If these rumours are spread then I would step in and have a chat with your h mother and family and friends!!!! She needs to be made well aware that you have been a faithful wife!!

I just don't know how I would know if/when they are spread. I mean, they're obviously being spread right now.

The thing is, she has always loved me so much. I've always gotten along so well with her...like a mother and daughter. Since all this has started, she has been physically ill, almost as bad as I have been. She calls me or emails me every few days to check up on me and the kids. She is a religious person and has her prayer groups praying for us.

If she wants so bad for her son and I to get back together (which she has more hope for right now that even I do), why would she say this to him?? Does she not see that even if there were any chance in us getting back together, this is certainly the opposite way to go about helping that to happen. I don't know what she thought she would accomplish is saying this to him, except to clear her own negative thoughts about her son...even if at my expense.

OOOHHH...I'm SO hurt by this. I think of all the people in the world to be accused of this, why me? It's so unfair!

Jo

[Helen_uk]

((((((((Jo ))))))))))

Its a strange feeling but one I frequently have myself called the NEED TO KNOW.
If I had access to Steve's email or mobile now I would probably go through it with a fine toothed comb.He's telling me nothing so it would be a way of finding out . BUT I'm glad in a way I don't, it hurts so much ( as you've found ) when you hear what's being said.

I''m torn by the need to know and the knowledge that I'm better off not knowing.

Your m-i-l has no right to accuse you of anything, even if she is doing it to justify what her son has done, but you are now in the tricky situation I've been in so many times myself, knowing something and not being able to say anything without admitting how you found out. That feels like hell and it's so frustrating.

I am so so sorry, I really don't know what gets into them sometimes, I think an alien comes and takes them and swaps them with a stranger in the night.

Stay strong Jo, you are keeping me strong !


Love

Helen xx

[jo71]

((((((((Jo ))))))))))
Its a strange feeling but one I frequently have myself called the NEED TO KNOW. If I had access to Steve's email or mobile now I would probably go through it with a fine toothed comb.

Right? It's almost like when I went into his myspace acct. Now I was a little more innocent on that one. But I found out about the o/w that way, and I didn't feel quite as guilty about being in on that account of his. I guess because we were still technically together. Now that we're seperated, I don't have the same rights anymore, so this does now weigh on my conscience a lot more.

I just can't quit saying those words over and over..."multiple affairs". As if a rumor of one affair wouldn't have been bad enough, the rumor starter had to make it multiple affairs. Yeah, that'll get her.

I'm such a wreck now. I'm about to leave work early because I can't even concentrate anymore. The hard part is, my h has our kids today, and I'll be seeing him this afternoon when he brings them home. God I hope I can bite my tongue and not say anything. At this point, he hasn't even read the email, as he's been with our kids most of the day. I just don't get how he can do this to me.

The most unfair part of all this is, he is the one who is leaving me for another woman, yet I have made sure to point out to the few people in his family that I have talked to that he has not physically been with the o/w...he just wants to divorce so that he can start a relationship with her. I've gone out of my way to protect his image to them. So here I've been trying to make him NOT look like a cheater in the eyes of his family, but HE (IF he started this rumor) is making me look like I am.

Jo

[Helen_uk]

((((((((((((((((Jo ))))))))))))))))))))

Sometimes they can be such bas*****.I am lost for words .

It seems like plain cruelty , I don't know how people can do these things. How they can cause so much hurt and then turn it around on to you. I wish I could do more to help.

Helen xx

[Anne22]

Jo

You sound like you are making yourself ill with this worry - Over the past 24 hours I have been thinking about you and this rumour situation and what I would do if I were you!!!

I think I would speak to my m-in-l - if she is the religious woman you say she is she will believe you if you go to her!!! Tell her that you have heard some rumours - dont tell her how or where from but that you have always been faithful to her son and her family and would have never done such a thing. Tell her how shocked you are and how sick you feel about it and that you want to get to the bottom of who is spreading the rumours!!!!

I really think you shouldnt tell her where you saw the rumour!!!!! Keep that as your trump card!!!!

Good luck and I hope you are feeling better soon - keep posting to vent your anger - dont lose your cool when you see your h especailly if kids are there!!!

Thinking of you lots

((HUGS))

Anne22 xx

[Helen_uk]

Hi Jo

Have there been any developments ? Did you say anything to your h last night or did you manage to sit on the knowledge ?

Post soon and let us know how you are .

(((((( hugs ))))))

Take care.

Helen xx

[jo71]

Hi ladies. So yes, h stopped in after bringing the kids home yesterday. I did not say anything to him about the email. I actually didn't say much to him about anything. I couldn't get it out of my mind, which made it difficult for me to be too warm and friendly! I feel so unnerved when he comes over. I think this is partly because I am just now starting to realize how much control he had over my life. I think I was blinded by this throughout our marriage by the love I had for him.

I have calmed down some since yesterday...the pain is still there, and I still keep hearing those dreadful words in my head, but I'm at least not a shaking nervous wreck today. I have been thinking more on how I'm going to go about this. I think I am first of all going to wait a few days before I address it. I talk to several people in his family quite often, one of which is his cousin who I have grown very close to in the past year. She's a very straightforward person, and I have a feeling that if she hears about this, she will ask me about it, giving me the opportunity to set the record straight without even having to address the email that I read. If that doesn't happen though, I'll give it about a week, then I'll call my MIL and *lying thru my teeth...oh boy* will tell her that I heard about it from someone else in the family, and then I'll set it straight with her.

I know one thing I shouldn't do is get back on his email again, but honestly, I HAVE to know what he responds to her. I *think* what will happen is he will tell her that he suspects that I have, but doesn't know that for sure. That's fine, because that is not a lie...I think he does suspect something, even though it's so far-fetched, but I think he has probably let his suspicions turn into beliefs because that makes him feel less guilty.

IF however he tells her that I have...ok AFTER I pick the pieces of my heart up off the floor, then I will probably give him a nice lecture...again, only after waiting a few weeks and I'll tell him that I heard it from one of him family members also...and I'll tell him that they told me that he was the source of the rumor.

I wish it didn't matter to me...if I didn't love this family like they were my own, I could just let it go. But they are all so dear to me...I'm closer to them than I am with my own extended family. That is why all this hurts so much.

Love,
Jo

[Anne22]

Jo

I went to see my counsellor the other day and after we talked about the issue of my strong feelings of love for my h and how I even felt love after all he has put me through - she said well - lifes a sh..!!!!

I was a bit taken aback by this but she is right!!!

I think you have really controlled yourself really well and I think it was right to delay things as you have - I can only imagine the self control - your a star!!

Hold things together as you have been until you are ready to discuss it with the m-i-l or cousin!!!

I too know what its like to keep picking up the pieces of my heart like tonight when I tried to talk to my h again - like talking to a wet piece of fish!!!!

Anyway after an hour of me chatting and leaving healthy silences in the hope he might answer or talk he admitted that he is probably only there with me because of the kids as they mean everything in the world to him!!!! Funny that but it didnt seem to hurt him while he was shagging all the sl..ts!!!!

Sorry about that but I am so upset and am here again in the wee hours needing to vent!!! Plus doesnt help that his parents are here for Easter and I am playing happy families although all know about the situation and all putting heads in the sand as my h does all the time!!!!Apologies for rambling on!!!!

Likewise I have been like my inlaws daughter they never had for the past 25 years and have been very close to them - hard to move on as you know the family unit as a whole will shatter!!!!

Good luck Jo and (((((HUGS)))))

Anne 22 xx

[Helen_uk]

Hi Anne

The wet fish part did make me smile ! Yep talking to Steve is like talking to a brick wall, no emotional response, long silences if I'm not talking. He's like a block of ice .

The only time he has contacted me has been to ask for certain items of stuff he wants. Most of ths done by txt. I've seen him once when he fetched some clothes on tuesday , making conversation or trying to, I asked him if he had plans for the weekend. He replied he was going to his brother's in London, but stop asking because it is no longer my business where he is or what he's doing.

My family are away for the weekend , eldest son is still here, it's easier in some ways because I don't have to see the concern on their faces,to be honest I'd rather be with strangers right now!

I hope you manage to get through this weekend Anne without killing someone !

Take good care.

Love

Helen xx

[Anne22]

Hi Helen hope your bearing up!!!

God I am having an awful time - the in laws are here and they know about everything but now have not only got h burrying his head in the sand but them doing the same too as if nothing has happened!!!!

I feel so low - my h has this really nice way of putting me down in front of them and I am a bit sensitive as you can imagine!!!

H & I fell out yesterday morning and he said' just be neutral while my parents are here' I really felt like hitting him and said 'well if you dont want to talk about us then we can just do that via a solicitor'n- I dont know what to think or do for the best I was so upset!!!

The my h produced an egg for me this morning -cant remember the last time he gave me one and I said as much to hi mother she said just enjoy it he is trying!!!!

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like standing in the middle of the hallway and screaming - they are all in front of the box watching the golf and I am so upset!!!!

Cant wait to see my counsellor again!!!

Sorry about all this girls - I hope you are both having a jollier day???

Love Anne22 xx

[Helen_uk]

Hi Anne
I also had the day from hell yesterday. I allowed myself to be taken out by my mother, spent 3 hours wandering around behind them at a park , feeling like s**t looking at all the happy families enjoying a day in the sun. Then spent an hour sitting in the bloody car park with them because they said it was too early to go home.I could have screamed . No matter how hard it is having your h there, trust me when I say it is going to get far worse once you throw him out , I always thought I'd cope, but I'm not coping at all. I can't bear the uncertainty of not knowing what's going to happen to me , I'm 43 , have absolutely no money and I don't know which way to turn.

I have sat and looked at the meds I have and I don't know which is the harder to do, stay alive or not.I'm living on cigarettes and coffee, I've lost almost a stone in weight in 10 days.I went and saw Steve today and probably, knowing me made things 10 times worse. It seems everytime I do something or say something, it's the wrong thing. I have these horrible moments of complete panic and end up phoning him over and over, he ignores me. He doesn't answer his phone, he rarely answers txts and has basically said today that by doing this it just confirms that I will never change. He has said he is sleeping in his car and has no money so his main concern is how he's going to get through the month . Meanwhile I'm supposed to believe what he tells me, even though it changes quite often, not keep contacting him and basically f*** off.

I've been hurt before but never to this depth , and there is no comfort to be gained anywhere.

Helen

[jo71]

I've been sleeping very little since making the email discovery about "my affairs". I am trying so hard to delay bringing this up for just a little longer, but it's so hard to deal with without saying anything to anyone. I can't talk to anyone in his family right now because I know I'll just spill everything. I just lay in bed for hours every night, imagining him reading that email (which is has done now, but didn't repond to his mother, unless maybe he phoned her). I imagine all his family members saying these lies about me, I imagine what I will say to them (any of them) when I do talk to them. I try to remember the couple of times that my h was suspicious of me, and analyze if there was anything I did that made me at fault. And there is nothing. I think if there were, this would be easier to deal with.

In all this thinking, I come to realize that my h isn't a horrible person. He's very very wrong for telling these lies, but I think that right now, he is feeling a lot of guilt and disapproval from his family, and he is grasping at whatever he can find to justify his actions to himself and to them. I think he almost wants to believe that I had been unfaithful to him so he would feel better about abandoning me and the kids. However, I will not allow him to take from me the respect from others that I have so rightly earned. I have decided that when my h gets back in town, I'm going to talk to him, somewhere away from the kids (cause this could get ugly), and tell him that he's going to have to find another way to ease his guilt...NOT by dragging me down to his level.

My h's mother also made a comment to him (in another email) that he was raised "VERY differently" than me, and that he and I have "different philosophies about raising children", and she thinks this is part of the root of our problems. She means this as a boost to her family, and against my family. Well, first of all, that is not even close to the root of our problems...we were usually on the same page about raising the kids. But she is correct, we were raised very differently. His parents did drugs, lived a lifestyle of rock and roll and partying, and divorced when my h was 17. My parents have never done drugs, took us to church every week, and are still married to this day. Not that my family is sparkling clean, we all have our share of disfunctions, but she's in the wrong ballpark to suggest that she raised her son better than my parents raised me.

Also, one quality my h has learned from his mother is to stick your head in the sand when there is a problem. My h and I have been through a lot together, and I remember at some of our lowest moments (being on the verge of bankruptcy at one point), he still put on an air with his mother that nothing was ever wrong. This is the same thing he did with me. When we had problems in the bedroom (more recently...and the main cause of our marriage failing), he never addressed it with me as a big issue. Just like he learned from her...just pretend everything in life is peachy...even when it's not.

I don't know why I'm rattling on today. I guess because I have so many thoughts going through my mind, I feel like my head is going to explode if I don't get them out. If you've read this whole ramble, thanks for listening. :)

Love,
Jo

[Nito]

Hi Jo,

I'm new here, but listening and offering you moral support. Bank holidays are a pain, as it doesn't look like there are many people around to respond to threads (I'm itching for a new perspective on my own problem).

In the meantime, don't let the h drag you down. He may not be being vindictive, but he still doesn't have the right to tell lies about you.

Be strong, and smile. :)

All the best,

Nito

[Helen_uk]

((((((((Jo ))))))))

My head is the same and I keep rambling on to different people in the hope that if I can get it all out, my mind will calm down. Some people have the capacity to " shut down " thoughts, and right now I'd give everything I have for the ability to do that !

I'm going to phone my doctor tomorrow ( when he re-opens after the bank holiday ) because if I can't get something to calm me down soon, I may end up murdering the next person who asks if I want a cup of tea ! Family are being very kind and understanding,and obviously worried, but it doesn't help !

I am going to at least try to go with David's " no contact " theory , be interesting to see how long that lasts.

It's interesting that your h has learned so much from his parents and is it seems determined to carry on the " ostrich " tradition. Do you think one day they will ever hold themselves accountable for their actions and stop looking for somewhere else to lay the blame ?

Take care.

Helen xxx

[jo71]

I'm sure some men do Helen, but I doubt my h ever will. Very rarely have I heard him say, "I'm sorry...I was wrong". There are a some times he has said, "I'm sorry...", but it's always followed with a "but". Example, "I'm sorry I yelled at you...but I just can't stand it when you...." There is a saying that when a "but" follows an apology, it erases everything you said prior to that.

Helen, I wonder if there are divorce support groups in your area. Right now it sounds like you could really use a chance to get out and meet with people who have been through what you're going through. Kind of like a big live group of the people on this board! Try www.meetup.com. I'm looking into that right now for myself, because every weekend that I sit home alone, wondering if my h is with his o/w or having a good time, it's driving me crazy. And on the few occasions that I go out or talk to family or friends, I feel like they must be getting sick of hearing about my problems...so really this board is the only place I've been able to really talk to others who know how I feel.

Jo

[jo71]

Hi Jo,

I'm new here, but listening and offering you moral support. Bank holidays are a pain, as it doesn't look like there are many people around to respond to threads (I'm itching for a new perspective on my own problem).

In the meantime, don't let the h drag you down. He may not be being vindictive, but he still doesn't have the right to tell lies about you.

Be strong, and smile. :)

All the best,

Nito

Thanks Nito. I hope you and your wife work things out...I really do. My h and I had issues similar to these...and these things shouldn't be marriage breakers.

Good luck,
Jo

[tinkerbell1075]

This is one of the reasons Mike and I have such trust issues. I too read his emails. His password wasn't hard to figure out and I thought I was justified because if he is cheating then I have a right to know by any means necessary.

I didn't find concrete evidence of cheating (no steamy emails back and forth) however in knowing his email password I was also able to sign onto his MSN messenger. I wanted to look at his contact list and when I did so I got an IM from another woman from the ship. She said "hi" so I replied "this isn't Mike, he isn't here, this is his girlfriend" I should have left it alone but the womans picture was of a beautiful Asian woman ( and knowing my ex had a tendency to go for Asian women...I am Asian) ...I became suspicious and immediately saw her as competition. She immediately signed off and I interpreted this as guilt on her part. I confronted him about who she was. He said she was just a friend but of course now he wanted to know how I got an IM from her. I told him that he had left the computer on and signed in one day and the IM came in then and I felt the need to reply so that the other person didn't think he was ignoring them. But this happened a few more times and eventually I admitted that I did access his email at some point. He didn't get mad at first but I think thats because I was crying so hard about the state of our relationship he felt bad.

When we had our last falling out, me checking his email was a big part of why he thought our trust with each other was damaged beyond repair. I justified it as NEEDING TO KNOW. I didn't think there was anything wrong with it at the time but now I know what a violation it was. I wouldn't want anyone reading my emails whether I had something to hide or not. This is a big reason why I apologized for the way things were between us. I know that things can be different as I would never do it again but he will always wonder if I am and that thought is what may prevent him from ever loving me again no matter how much I promise things will change.


You could say that the email was also sent to you in error, but of course I wouldn't encourage you to lie. Things will snowball and inevitably make the situation worse. But i know how hard it is to hold something inside because you can't admit how you know. Eventually it will eat away at you until you can't take it anymore.

[tinkerbell1075]

keep in mind that you don't owe his mother anything. You know that you haven't been unfaithful and you just need to make sure that he knows that! Yes, she may plant seeds of doubt in his head but he shouldn't take what his mother speculates over what his wife says! I know you want to defend yourself but she is not your judge. You don't deserve to have your name tarnished but as long as you and your husband know the truth, thats all that matters.

[jo71]

Thanks tinkerbell. I know, you are so right...I really have no right to ever read his emails. It's just so hard to not look when you know things are being said about you. I just wish he'd change the password...that would solve that problem. But if I tell him to, he'll know why. Not that it would really make any difference in my marriage now anyway...our marriage is OVER...he's made that clear. Not in a really harsh way...he's put it about as nice as you can when you tell someone you no longer want to be married to them, but he's not given me any indication whatsoever that there's any chance of reconciliation. So I'm just trying to accept everything now.

I know I don't owe anything to his mother, or even my h or anyone else in this world for that matter...it just doesn't make it hurt any less when the people you have considered your family for 17 years are thinking low about you. Here it is after midnight in my part of the world, and I can't sleep again because I'm so concerned everyone is thinking horrible things about me. I'm one of those people who actually care (too much) what people think of her...and I often I wish I didn't. It would make things easier.

Jo

[Anne22]

Jo

Please try not to worry about those horrid rumours - I too care about what other people think too much but you know in your heart the truth!!

We care about you and know you to be a honest kind and considerate person - to hell with those horrid people - they are all just looking for way for your h to justify himself and waht he is guilty of!!!

I truely believe in Karma!!!! Just wait - what goes around comes around!!!

Try to be happy for YOU!!!!

Look after your self and try a nice milky drink to sleep!!!

(((HUGS))))

Love Anne22 xx

[jo71]

Thanks Anne. I am hating life right now. Just another punch in the stomach...story of my life lately. He just emailed me that we need to get busy getting info together for a mediator or an attorney. In the past, he has said that he didnt want to go through either of those ways because he thought we could work it out ourselves, so now that he is saying this, totally different than what he wanted from before, I am wondering, why the sudden change in feelings about that? I emailed him back that I thought he didn't want to go that route, but havent heard back from him yet. Just another step toward D-Day. Life sure does suck sometimes.
Jo