jo71
5th April 2007, 03:05 PM
my first time on here-just reading trying to feel better.my story is the same as all the ones ive read.Loving/kind husband 13yrs--suddenly says doesnt want to be married anymore.i asked how we can resolve it -and he stated doesnt want to resolve it.He doesnt feel we have anything in common anymore .The same ole---no longer IN love with me--still loves and cares for me but not IN love.thinks we shud separate.WOW
a brick in my face.Im planning a second honeymoon.Im planning happy times to come -since we are empty nesters .He says he doesnt want this anymore.The usual we have all heard----confused/doesnt know whats going on/needs time to think--YET doesnt want to resolve it or try to take steps to fix it---just move out.
i feel i was fed little bits to get used ot the idea.today he says-i think i shud go live at my dads--what do u think--asking my approval.Go if thats what u need to do.I as everyone else-believes 99 percent there is someone else.no one says they re moving unless they have somone to go to. or somewhere to go.behavior and small indications leads to believe a young chickie at work is his diversion.if i was prepared or if we fought -then i cud see it coming--but behavior as usual.no indication anything differnet in our marriage.
then the big blow to reinforce his point or throw me off the time line---i havent been happy for over 3 yrs now.
wow--are u kidding me 3yrs--we have had great times last 3 yrs.i thought this was my future--my partner for life -into our old age--we have built our future for retirement--have sacings/property-have done all the right things.second marriage for both--married late in life 34--so i thought this was it for life now.writng helps to vent--then nite time comes and its thinking time.i try to keep busy during the day--the more people i tell the better i feel---but the nites are hard.yes--friends nd family devastated-say you ll get passed it--you are young and beautiful and will find happiness again---right now that doesnt make me feel any better.
i go from loving and missing him to hating him.how can he do such a thing.In a matter of 10 days since we talked about what was happening -he has moved out.wow that was fast.Of course just a few things-will nn more as time goes by.---any help or comfort wud be appreciated---in USA----not uk
the post -about the marriage is as if they are dead.well with death there is a greaving period and a finality.With separation/divorce you know he is still out there and long for him-theres that glimmer of hope.
I wanted to start a thread for you, shocked, so you can get some help and advise.
Unfortunately, your situation sounds so familiar. What is it with marriages anymore?? I guess I'm just old fashioned, but people just do not seem to take marriage seriously anymore.
I'm very sorry you are dealing with this. Your h sounds a lot like mine in that his mind is made up...no warning for me, no trying to talk it out, work it out. He told me he wanted to leave on Jan 28 and moved out on March 4...prior to Jan 28, I had NO idea this was on my horizon.
You sound like you have your eyes open though...you know there's a good possibility that he may have been with someone else. A lot of people, myself included, until they are hit with hard evidence, want to be in denial that this could be true because they want to believe in their spouse's loyalty more than anything.
How old is your h? It sounds very much like a MLC (midlife crisis). David H has posted some good links to MLC issues. I think he was going away for a few days but if you search the board, you should be able to find his links.
My h also told me that he hasn't been happy in the last year or two. I was crushed the other day when I read where he wrote to his mother that he was now the happiest he's been in a long time. The great people on this board made me see that he's going to say that, and he's going to even believe that, even if it isn't the case, because it's how he is going to justify this whole decision. If you felt like your h was happy, he probably was...you sound like you were both very close and you probably would have picked up on it if he weren't. But he is lessening his guilt by saying how unhappy he has been.
The best thing to do right now is just let him go. Don't beg and plead him to stay...it will only make you look weak and needy...not attractive qualities. Not only that, but you need to give yourself a chance to start detaching from him. Do you two have any kids together? If not, it will obviously be easier to start detaching.
(((hugs))) I know how you feel...it sucks and it's so unfair. I'm in the states too. If you want to email me anytime, it's *edited out* at yahoo dot com.
Jo
Here you go...I found some of David's links for you:
You told us he was having a Mid-Life Crisis
What you see and describe *is* the MLC
AD's from the doctor *might* help.
Find out more about male MLC (OTOH don't; it's very depressing)
http://midlifecrisisforum.com/6/ubb.x?s=3106003104
http://www.pathpartners.com
http://fortysixty.invisionzone.com/index.php?act=idx
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=28&page=1
David
a brick in my face.Im planning a second honeymoon.Im planning happy times to come -since we are empty nesters .He says he doesnt want this anymore.The usual we have all heard----confused/doesnt know whats going on/needs time to think--YET doesnt want to resolve it or try to take steps to fix it---just move out.
i feel i was fed little bits to get used ot the idea.today he says-i think i shud go live at my dads--what do u think--asking my approval.Go if thats what u need to do.I as everyone else-believes 99 percent there is someone else.no one says they re moving unless they have somone to go to. or somewhere to go.behavior and small indications leads to believe a young chickie at work is his diversion.if i was prepared or if we fought -then i cud see it coming--but behavior as usual.no indication anything differnet in our marriage.
then the big blow to reinforce his point or throw me off the time line---i havent been happy for over 3 yrs now.
wow--are u kidding me 3yrs--we have had great times last 3 yrs.i thought this was my future--my partner for life -into our old age--we have built our future for retirement--have sacings/property-have done all the right things.second marriage for both--married late in life 34--so i thought this was it for life now.writng helps to vent--then nite time comes and its thinking time.i try to keep busy during the day--the more people i tell the better i feel---but the nites are hard.yes--friends nd family devastated-say you ll get passed it--you are young and beautiful and will find happiness again---right now that doesnt make me feel any better.
i go from loving and missing him to hating him.how can he do such a thing.In a matter of 10 days since we talked about what was happening -he has moved out.wow that was fast.Of course just a few things-will nn more as time goes by.---any help or comfort wud be appreciated---in USA----not uk
the post -about the marriage is as if they are dead.well with death there is a greaving period and a finality.With separation/divorce you know he is still out there and long for him-theres that glimmer of hope.
I wanted to start a thread for you, shocked, so you can get some help and advise.
Unfortunately, your situation sounds so familiar. What is it with marriages anymore?? I guess I'm just old fashioned, but people just do not seem to take marriage seriously anymore.
I'm very sorry you are dealing with this. Your h sounds a lot like mine in that his mind is made up...no warning for me, no trying to talk it out, work it out. He told me he wanted to leave on Jan 28 and moved out on March 4...prior to Jan 28, I had NO idea this was on my horizon.
You sound like you have your eyes open though...you know there's a good possibility that he may have been with someone else. A lot of people, myself included, until they are hit with hard evidence, want to be in denial that this could be true because they want to believe in their spouse's loyalty more than anything.
How old is your h? It sounds very much like a MLC (midlife crisis). David H has posted some good links to MLC issues. I think he was going away for a few days but if you search the board, you should be able to find his links.
My h also told me that he hasn't been happy in the last year or two. I was crushed the other day when I read where he wrote to his mother that he was now the happiest he's been in a long time. The great people on this board made me see that he's going to say that, and he's going to even believe that, even if it isn't the case, because it's how he is going to justify this whole decision. If you felt like your h was happy, he probably was...you sound like you were both very close and you probably would have picked up on it if he weren't. But he is lessening his guilt by saying how unhappy he has been.
The best thing to do right now is just let him go. Don't beg and plead him to stay...it will only make you look weak and needy...not attractive qualities. Not only that, but you need to give yourself a chance to start detaching from him. Do you two have any kids together? If not, it will obviously be easier to start detaching.
(((hugs))) I know how you feel...it sucks and it's so unfair. I'm in the states too. If you want to email me anytime, it's *edited out* at yahoo dot com.
Jo
Here you go...I found some of David's links for you:
You told us he was having a Mid-Life Crisis
What you see and describe *is* the MLC
AD's from the doctor *might* help.
Find out more about male MLC (OTOH don't; it's very depressing)
http://midlifecrisisforum.com/6/ubb.x?s=3106003104
http://www.pathpartners.com
http://fortysixty.invisionzone.com/index.php?act=idx
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=28&page=1
David